Telling DH he's taking the P

[yourtakingtheP]

I've name changed because I know SILs on here

AIBU to tell DH he's taking the piss out of me and to sort his shit out?

We are under a lot of stress, a lot! We've have 2 DC and he has 2 from previous marriage. We now have all 4 DC full time and SS involvement so a lot of stuff going on.

This week he's been on AL and out everyday, helping someone do this and someone doing that and just assuming I'll do all school runs which is all 4 in all different schools with all different finishing times and takes about 1hr 20 min to do the round trip and be back home.

The last few days kids have been full on, not naughty but just a lot, he hasn't been home. I told him I'm overwhelmed and he needs to help out. He decided to stay home today to in his words "help me" but he's done fuck all but sit like a miserable fucker on his phone so the kids have all still come to me, I've done all the washing prep the uniform, sort the cat, do the food shop, cook dinner, pack packed lunch's and made sure homework's done. I asked for help and dinner dishing up and his idea was turning his phone off and waiting until I've done everyone's to dish his own.

He's snapped at one of the DC and shouted to loud over nothing so I said let's calm down and leave it; its not a big deal. He turned on me said I'm under estimating him but I've told him before he needs to be aware that sometimes he goes in to harsh with punishments and his reactions don't warrant the punishment but apparently I should just stand there and watch and say nothing but he can fuck right off of he thinks I'm going to let me DC think it's okay to be treated that harshly when they don't deserve it and mum will just watch. We're both in separate rooms atmosphere is awful but AIBU? Should I of handled it different?

I think you overestimating him. He sounds diabolically shit. Why are you doing everything for his children and he is so ungrateful? Nope. Stop that.

He says he is grateful and because he's told me he appreciates how much I do that's enough and he's stressed and tired but guess what do am I!

I had to reduce my hours at work and therefore my earnings, he isn't bothered about money but he's a slender I'm a saver so I like having my own account too but it's just being wiped out constantly getting things for 4 DC

Stop paying for things from your money.

If you want to stay, tell him you're thinking of leaving him and his first lot of offspring to it and he can be a part time dad to yours.

His reaction will tell you next steps.

Tell him the school runs are his problem tomorrow and for the foreseeable.

Honestly I'd split. He and his dc can have their own home. You have yours.

If I said this he would expect the DC to stay with me in the home due to SS involvement they need stability and he wouldn't have anywhere to take them so it would be very much like I'm the solo parent and he comes and visits and has contact ect

All money is joint money now and he doesn't care what I spend I just miss having my own

Yes, do this, he needs a fucking wake up call.

There is no legal requirement for you to also take the step kids when you separate. Move out- frankly I'd shock him completely by leaving all 4 dc with him and saying "I'll be here Saturday morning to take my two out for the day" - many a man have done this!

I no there's no legal requirement but he knows I could never make them homeless and I could never leave my DC. They have been through so much and they crave stability, love and regular meals

They wouldn't be homeless. He can rent a flat with them.

You need to stop getting things for his dc. Joint money or not. He knows where shops are. Tell him he needs to be making the decisions regarding his own dc and what they need.. Managing 4 alone is shocking. Maybe switch the WiFi off and play ignorant.. He need a bloody good jolt... Or a divorce..

Why would SS take HIS DC away from him and give them to you if you split up?

That doesn't make sense unless SS have concerns about him being a danger to children.

SS wouldn't take them away from him, SS have taken the DC away from their mum and placed them with us which is ridiculously cokplicated

If I only buy things for my DC then he would wonder why I'm purposely excluding them when I know they next X or Y but buy them for my DC and then the children would miss out or go without. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to punish the children but I need him to wake the fuck up and pull his weight

How old are all the dc?
What hours does he work?

Do you work?

But you aren't their parent.. Does he let you parent other ways like telling off?

DC ages range from 14-5.
He works just under full time hours, I work almost full time but have had to reduce my
Hours for the next 4 months because there's to many appointments, meetings ect and I couldn't spin all the plates. DH does deal with all SS meets/appointments but our youngest has health issues and has regular appointments and flare ups at the minute which takes up a lot of my attention

Do you normally do all the school runs? It's odd if he usually does half that he then did not this week while off work

Yes he wouldn't be phased if I told any of them off and I have done but none of them are bad kids, they rarely need properly telling off but he's always said I'm to soft so I don't think he would ever worry about me properly telling them off and even if I did I think he would more think wow something major must of happened because it's just not how I parent

School runs usually are done by whoever isn't working or depending on what our shift patterns are, so somethings he could do more or sometimes I might all depending on who's at work and who's at home

It's very difficult when there are step children involved who you clearly love. Have you had a conversation with him about expectations, and explained how unhappy you are with his involvement?

Oh op you poor thing. He is horrible. You sound lovely. They always see the loveliest ones coming. You need to divorce him and the sooner the better. He will drag you and all your kids down with his selfishness and laziness and it will get harder and harder to get out. He won't step up till he has to.

Also, what 'punishments'are you talking about? That sounds worrying

Sounds like my ex. He would do anything for anyone often at the expense of me and his kids. He just loved getting praise off others and cared alot about what people thought about him. Shame he didn't care what we thought about him. If I ever complained, I'd be painted as the villain. How dare I begrudge his mother/sister/brother/work mate/ random acquaintance help. What a bitch!

Had many conversations with him about pulling his weight at home. Got me nowhere. Good luck OP.

Exactly, HE would expect it, and you'd tell him no, that's not what's going to happen. If you keep being a wet blanket about it, nothing will change.