Telling DH he's taking the P

[yourtakingtheP]

I've name changed because I know SILs on here

AIBU to tell DH he's taking the piss out of me and to sort his shit out?

We are under a lot of stress, a lot! We've have 2 DC and he has 2 from previous marriage. We now have all 4 DC full time and SS involvement so a lot of stuff going on.

This week he's been on AL and out everyday, helping someone do this and someone doing that and just assuming I'll do all school runs which is all 4 in all different schools with all different finishing times and takes about 1hr 20 min to do the round trip and be back home.

The last few days kids have been full on, not naughty but just a lot, he hasn't been home. I told him I'm overwhelmed and he needs to help out. He decided to stay home today to in his words "help me" but he's done fuck all but sit like a miserable fucker on his phone so the kids have all still come to me, I've done all the washing prep the uniform, sort the cat, do the food shop, cook dinner, pack packed lunch's and made sure homework's done. I asked for help and dinner dishing up and his idea was turning his phone off and waiting until I've done everyone's to dish his own.

He's snapped at one of the DC and shouted to loud over nothing so I said let's calm down and leave it; its not a big deal. He turned on me said I'm under estimating him but I've told him before he needs to be aware that sometimes he goes in to harsh with punishments and his reactions don't warrant the punishment but apparently I should just stand there and watch and say nothing but he can fuck right off of he thinks I'm going to let me DC think it's okay to be treated that harshly when they don't deserve it and mum will just watch. We're both in separate rooms atmosphere is awful but AIBU? Should I of handled it different?

It's not giving you a hard time to advise that you put in some boundaries and tell your pisstaking husband to actually parent his children.

Yes nobody here is going to tell you there is some magical super wand you can buy from the high street. All you need to do is waft it around in front of your oh and lo and behold, he will transform into a handsome, caring, thoughtful and respectful human being.
That doesn’t exist.
Posters are telling you that you have chosen the beast. This isn’t a fairy tale. In real life a beast is a beast is a beast.
Can he change? Again posters are saying from vast experience, no. He is unlikely to change.
The best you can do is lay down the law and tell him you will leave. You have to be prepared to go through with your ultimatum though.
That would mean he is entirely responsible for parenting 2 of the children and parents the other 2 EOW. Let’s face it, he isn’t going to go for 50/50 is he? Then you could ( if you wanted) have the 2 step children to stay with you say once a week. That would be your choice though.

Stop being a doormat. Don’t do any chores for him, don’t was his clothes don’t make him dinner. 14 y/o it’s minimum is old enough to take themselves to school.

sit him down thus evening sncc xx have it out. Say you need an equal division of labour or you will leave. You need stability and regular jobs for everyone.

each of you take two to school. Rain or shine unless Ill. Share dinner making and getting ready. It needs to divide and conquer. Stop making allowances. This is nonsense behaviour from him and from you for allowing it.

I think you're getting a hard time BECAUSE people want to help you. You've come across too kind/a people pleaser so responders are having to up their responses to get through to you.

This all sounds new, raw and complicated.
If SS are involved you can ask them to put on a taxi for the oldest/older two for school.
Doesn't mean they will agree but they might. They do have the power, but not necessarily the funds.
It can have an end date if that makes them happier.
Write down everything that needs doing in the house and for the kids, extra curricular etc.
Tell him what you can manage.
Ask him what he is willing to do going forward.
If he won't agree then I think you have your answer.
Tbh though, whilst things are in this adjustment period for everyone, you maybe seeing this is how he copes with stuff outwith his control.
Not yours to fix.

I meant to add SS really should be supporting here in these circumstances.
Don't see them as the big bad wolf.
Hopefully your SC are getting therapy & guidance via school and or outside agencies.
Don't be afraid to ask the older kids to help out either. Most 14 year olds know how to work the washing machine/wash up or cook an uncomplicated meal.
I hope you find your solution because you sound amazing 🌼

You've had to reduce your hours and your salary to look after his children, i.e. your stepchildren? He sounds monumentally shit. Tell him to shove his fake gratitude up his arse and start parenting his children.

Work out a budget for what you are spending on his children (including what you've spent already) and tell him he has to arrange regular payments to you to cover that.

Pretending I'm your husband for a minute, why should I change? You do everything and I can come and go as I want. What are you going to do about it?

Wake-up, he's treating you like an appliance.

You aren’t getting a hard time for being decent to your SDC. You’re getting a hard time for letting your DP walk all over you and then moaning about it.

I see why you feel like you have to take it all on, but it is your choice to do so. Your DP has chosen not to and you are filling in the gaps. Those gaps are just going to get wider and wider as he realises he can slack off and you will pick up whatever he can’t be arsed doing.

Does he earn a lot more than you? Why is it you that’s dropped your hours and not him?

You have had children with an utter loser who has dumped two additional children on you.

You must not have an ounce of self worth to be tolerating this.

What about the two children you have borne, and the life they have because of this loser?

Their poor mother run ragged because their father is a loser.

YOUR children should be your priority.
Why are you accepting this from such a waster.

When you burn out, YOUR children will lose out and wonder why mum put others ahead of them.

Tell him leave and bring his two children with him. He is not interested in any of his children but your responsibility is to your two.

I appreciate this reads as harsh but by allowing him to be a waster you are a part of the problem.

Tell him leave WITH his children.
He needs a real dose of reality.
He knows your a mug.
Show him you will not allow this continue.

I certainly didn't intend to demean your efforts with your SDC. It goes without saying that you are a kind, well-intentioned, nurturing person. I can completely understand your sense of obligation to them now.

He's got you over a barrel as he knows how much you care for all the children, not just your own so he feels secure that you wouldn't leave him to look after your step children on his own. Therefore, he feels safe to act like an arsehole with no consequences.

Even if you wouldn't stop looking after your step children if you did split up, he needs to be worried that you might do this.

I think he's in denial at the reality of his life. If you can find the space and time, a heart to heart is needed now or he'll end up divorced again.

He needs to understand that he has four children and that means a huge amount of parenting and you can only do so much now your energy and attention is spread over four children. (You sound lovely).

Compare and contrast your life with his. Could you have a week off work and "do" what he did, a bit of "helping" him parent while you basically relaxed for a week?

This seems to me a situation where a kind calm talk is warranted. Assuming he is not an arse, then I imagine he feels overwhelmed as are you, and a joint approach is needed with that clear statement from you that this cannot go on as it is. Good luck.

He's not going to change, @yourtakingtheP . He's got you where he wants you. He knows you're a soft touch and won't let his kids suffer.

YOU need to change.

Ah I see, this is tricky. I feel like it shouldn't be you doing all this though, it should be their dad. If you said it's too much for you, would he step up? Feel for you and the kids.