when people say 'don't let them get to you'... to ask just how exactly?

[VUtterlyFedUP]

If people are capable of getting to you, it's usually because you are emotionally involved and care what they think. So when they give you a load of undermining abuse, it's upsetting.

One of my brothers consistently does this to me. I wish he loved me. We were very close until our twenties but now I get nothing but undermining nastiness. It really hurts and I really take what he says to heart.

Does anyone have any tips or tricks to not feel that sick feeling in your stomach, the churning of anxiety and feeling so worthless and squashed when someone says critical underminign and nasty things to you? The problem is I still care so I have no way to access that 'don't let it get to you feeling'.

How?

But again @VUtterlyFedUP remember that you can’t control what he does, only your reaction to it. When he says or does these things, they are symptomatic of is own issues and they are meant to pull you down so that he can have power over you. As that sinks in over time, you will learn to ignore him.

So what if he uses things as a stick to beat you with? It’s not your responsibility to make everything perfect, you’re only one person, it’s impossible. Besides which, when dealing with people like him, nothing you do will ever be right anyway so even if you really tried, things will never be perfect because he will always find something to criticise. Just stop giving him the reaction he wants. Ignore him completely!

You don’t need to make everything your sole responsibility. He sounds abusive, who gives a shit what he thinks!? Abusers are lacking in areas themselves!

Have a look at Mel Robbins and the Let Them theory. I've found her podcasts really helpful

@Teanbiscuits33 I don't think he's an abuser in the knowingly cruel sense of that word. I think he's just got a heap of problems and issues with his life and me that he takes out on me because if he treated his wife like this she'd leave him. I'm the punching bag. I haven't explained it very well but what I mean is at core I don't think he's a bad person and he's just slid into this habit of taking it out on me. I suppose I'm saying I think he does it more unconciously because he feels bad about his own life than doing it deliberately. I guess that probably doesnt matter as whats important is the effect on me. If someone stabs you in the stomach then in terms of your own life and how you need to deal with it, it doesn't matter if it was deliberate or accidental, you still need to go to a hospital and have the wound stiched up. NOt sure I've explained that very well. Sounds like I'm making excuses for him but not what I meant.

@nutbrownhare15 thank you I will look for thta.

He knows what he’s doing though, and it’s abusive. How do you know what goes on in someone else’s marriage? He might do it to you because he knows it bothers you and you won’t stand up for yourself, but either way, the most important thing is the knowledge that he’s a bully and his behaviour, although directed at you, has nothing to do with you. He’s far from perfect himself.

I’d take the mindset of feeling a bit sorry for him that he is clearly very unhappy in life to feel the need to go about dragging others down instead of addressing his own shortcomings. No human is perfect, and that very much includes him!!

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You're very articulate and perceptive about the nature of your response, and the thoughts and feelings that come up for you, and that's massively in your favour as it will help you process new ways to handle this.

There's a life coaching model which I think is based on CBT, which might be useful. When I've used it, it's helped - i need to use it more!

It goes: circumstances trigger your thoughts. Thoughts drive your feelings. Your feelings drive your actions. Your actions shape your results.

So your model might go:

Circumstances: brother says something critical
Thoughts: I'm letting everyone down/this will haunt me forever
Feelings: fear, anxiety, doubt
Action: appease brother/change plans (what is the action?)
Result: you don't enjoy the event/you change what you had intended to do

The trick, which has to be learned, is to ignore the feeling but change the thought.

The feeling is what's causing you pain - that shock fear punch to the stomach- so it's natural to focus on that. But it won't change without the thought changing, as the feeling is really in response to your thoughts, not the circumstances themselves.

And the trick to changing the thought is to come up with a believable alternative. You won't be able to get the results without believing your thoughts, so replacing "I'm letting everyone down" with "everyone will love this" when your brother criticises isn't believable. But, thinking "he's being grumpy" might be easier to believe. Then your model becomes more like:

Circumstances: brother says something critical
Thoughts: he's being grumpy
Feelings: mild annoyance/compassion
Action: shrug, invite constructive input, move ahead with plan
Result: event goes ahead as planned

Sorry for length - this helps me when I remember to do it! Best if you actually write it down in a way that's true for you

@DesparatePragmatist that is absolutely brilliant.

I've read about CBT before but thought it was more about conning yourself to believe (in your example) "everyone will love this". You've explained it so brilliantly. I get that - a believable alternative. this is so interesting.

I've never heard it explained so clearly before. thank you . I will think about this more.

I'm reading the book about the "let them"
Theory by Mel Robbins. It's helping me not take on other people's shit and to care less. It is helping. A bit.

I'd say you need to avoid him. Dont ring him. A short text if you have to. Avoid any interactions. Does he ever initiate contact.

Can you ask him what his problem is with you? It's not you it's him but if he can't tell you then you'll just have to it go.
I'm in a similar position altjough I'm sad about it but have had to let it go for my own well being and luckily I can avoid speaking to them for a majority of the time. It's all over a m8scommunication but has gone on too long now and until recently I didn't even know what it was about.

Can you ask him what his problem is with you

He would just deny there's an issue and starts attacking me about other things.

I've got a fairly good idea what his problem is. He doesn't like me and is angry and bitter about lots of things in his life that are of his own making.