when people say 'don't let them get to you'... to ask just how exactly?

[VUtterlyFedUP]

If people are capable of getting to you, it's usually because you are emotionally involved and care what they think. So when they give you a load of undermining abuse, it's upsetting.

One of my brothers consistently does this to me. I wish he loved me. We were very close until our twenties but now I get nothing but undermining nastiness. It really hurts and I really take what he says to heart.

Does anyone have any tips or tricks to not feel that sick feeling in your stomach, the churning of anxiety and feeling so worthless and squashed when someone says critical underminign and nasty things to you? The problem is I still care so I have no way to access that 'don't let it get to you feeling'.

How?

thank you for all your replies. I am reading them all carefully.

there is alot of sense here but I can't get to that 'fuck you' place for some reason. I suppose I'm still hoping in vain I know for us to get back to a more normal interaction.

I feel like if I stand up to him he will just hit back metarphoricly speaking again this is just about verbal abuse harder. I dont think its a bullying if you stand up to them they back off situatino but who knows. this has been low level endemic nasty criticism for years and is either worse recently or Ive reached breaking point.

For me, the switch happens when, instead of letting them sit rent free in my brain and upset me, I tell myself to feel sorry for them having to go through life as a horrible person/doing/saying nasty things. Then, next time it happens, just think in your head 'I feel sorry for you' and either respond with just a 'mmm' to what they say or don't respond at all and change the subject.

And for the record, both my brothers are exactly like you've described. I do the above and have stopped trying to engage with them too much.

Oh and just to add, he can only make you feel this way if you allow him too.

If he says things like 'that's weird' don't acknowledge it and just start speaking about something else and make excuses shortly after to end the conversation.

When he says things like this, let a little ping go off in your brain and have a inward smile at the control he's now lost. Try it once, becomes easier!

I don't think you should stand up to him, I think you should avoid him completely. Any discussions about that event for your parents should be done in a group forum and you shouldn't communicate with him outside of that. That at least means that other people witness what he is saying.

I'm wondering whether you have become more successful than him and that's why he's trying to punish you.

I'm wondering whether you have become more successful than him and that's why he's trying to punish you.

that's interestign @healthybychristmas . what makes you say that?

I said it because he didn't always used to be like that and I wondered whether that was because he was more successful at that point and that was the way he liked it. That could be in terms of romantic relationships, friendship groups, career, money, housing situation. Some of those things might not bother some people and other things really would be their tipping point. So if you tipped the balance, even unwittingly, that could cause rage, frustration, jealousy and paranoia on his part. it might be interesting to look back at what was going on in your life at the point when he changed. This doesn't mean any of it is forgivable but it might be interesting to understand exactly what's going on in his head. I'm sure he isn't acknowledging it to himself anyway though.

I'd not thought about it that way but I think you could be on to something there.

You fake it until you make it.

You don't let them know they are getting to you. Then you work on realising you don't deserve their crap in the first place.

Imo tell him you have accepted his and his partner's invitation decline to attend whatever family event you are planning, why would he want to come when he thinks it will be a rubbish party.

Send the family his apologies immediately.

For example, for some women they are used to their friend being thefatter friend. They don't care that their friend has a bigger house or a better job or anything like that. It's the weight that bothers them. When their friend starts to lose weight and particularly when they approach the same weight as each other, then some women start to really panic and get absolutely foul.

@healthybychristmas this is very interesting. I think there could be something in this and it might be why he has got worse.

To use your weight analogy, say I was fat and lost some weight that unbalanced the relationship and led to the friend starting to be foul. Recently, the last few years, I have lost a ton of weight and it might be this that is making him worse.

It's not weight obviously I am usign it is as an analogy but if you are right and there was a switch in our relationship, the thing I think may have caused his attitude to me, if I am right, in more recent years became much much more of a bigger thing. It's not the only thing but I think it could be why I am noticing it more now.

You don’t have to retaliate verbally you just have to maintain your own boundaries:
“that’s “weird”? Ok what’s your bright idea?”
”ok so is that going to be your contribution just slagging me off? Cool.”
”I’m just trying to make this nice for mum and dad but if you’re going to be shitty I’ll just go. [hang up]”
”no Chris, this isn’t me telling you so you can critique it. This is me telling you so you can iron a shirt and turn up on time.”
“[Flat voice] What’s your point Chris?”

It’s totally 100% normal to be upset, but to keep allowing people to hurt you by giving their opinions and tone any kind of weight is not healthy.

Live your life. Make your own life choices. If they’re with you, great. If they're not, forgive them once. But then limit and manage your communication with them. Don’t open your heart to people who are going to trample on it.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother who abused me emotionally and then financially then finally physically. My sister was treated like a princess.

My mother cultivated a smear campaign and I was nearly sectioned as a teen on her description of made up behaviour. She was simply trying to make me look mentally unwell and unreliable so she could easily discredit me if I was ever brave enough to speak out. She lied to family and friends to isolate me and make sure I had no support and that nobody liked me. If I reacted she used it against me if I didn’t react in the hope she would get bored she got worse and did more . I couldn’t win.

My sister soon joined in with the campaign and it became a game to them I think to try and sabotage every area of my life after I’d left home. It carried on for years and years. Going NC didn’t help as they would still do all sorts of malicious things to sabotage my work, relationships, my children .

In the end I gave up and decided to move miles and miles away and changed my name and changed profession. It was the only way a clean break and the only way to have any peace in my life.

Yes because one thing affects the other. So using the weight and allergy if you were the fat sibling and he was the thin sibling then maybe he had more confidence, had a healthier relationship with a girlfriend, found it easy to sail through interviews etc. Then you lost weight which he might think he was glad about, but then you had your own great relationship, started to go up the career ladder because your confidence was boosted etc and he realised that everything he had had always been in comparison to what you had and now he is in the descendant and you are in the ascendant. Of course it might be just one of those things or it could be a knock on effect e.g. you lose weight, you gain more confidence, you get a better job, and you get a better house, and you get a new car… It might be the new car that triggers him!

@Therapyhelped that sounds incredibly painful for you. Let's hope they are both driving each other mad right now. I am glad that therapy helped.

The weight analogy…

That's not what that means! You're misunderstanding it. It means grow a thicker skin and learn to ignore it

Try and have a few stock phrases to shut him down. As pandering to him isn't working, it's reinforcing that he has this power over you and showing him yoh care what he thinks. 'I was answering a question about arrangements not asking your opinion'. 'If you'd like to organise it so it's less 'weird' then that's absolutely fine with me'. 'Do you think that's a helpful comment? What are you trying to achieve by saying that?' Or simply 'ok. Anyway...' and completely ignore without reacting. All said in a completely neutral voice so you don't get accused of being over sensitive/ hysterical etc.

Being upset about someone treating you like this is completely normal

I’m lucky I found an extremely kind very experienced psychologist to work with , I think that even though I’m far away from the people who caused me pain I will continue to need to work on the health of my mind for a long time to come as it had affected me physically as well. I have to be very aware at all times of how I’m feeling and make sure I don’t miss any sessions. It’s been hard but the main thing now that gives me so much happiness and security is knowing that I don’t have to be scared anymore in this moment or going forward. But I still need to work on a lot.

Imagine in his head he had the thought that he was the success and you were the failure. He realises you are doing well and he isn't and jealousy kicks in. With his new partner telling him he's right and stoking it, the negativity grows. He believes he's right and nothing you do will change how he as another person feels.

Grieve who he was and the relationship it was. Expect him to be the person he now is. Expect him to not like you. Once you can grieve and accept, and probably go through some anger too as you did not want this situation, you'll move on.

I'm so glad you found such a good psychologist. Yes it does take longer than you think at first to get over such bad treatment and abuse. I'm so glad you're on the right path now.

When you learn that other people’s behaviour is not about you, it’s a symptom of their own insecurity and powerlessness, nothing can get to you. As a pp said, you need to come from a mindset that you are in control of your reaction.

People can only upset you if you give them permission to. I don’t say this to victim blame, you can’t always help it if you are upset by something in the moment, but honestly, you’re upset because you have low self esteem and somewhere inside, you believe the things that are being said.

Take the power away from them by remembering that the only reason they’re saying it is to make themselves feel powerful because they feel powerless and unhappy. It’s liberating when you finally accept that.

Someone once told me “Somebody else’s opinion of you isn’t fact” and it helps me a lot. Just because someone thinks I’m stupid/awful/irritating it doesn’t make it true and some arsehole who doesn’t wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire most certainly doesn’t get to decide my character.

I also think OP that wanting something that isn’t gonna happen is bad for you. I’m sure your brother loves you in leave to because they’re family” way, but I know you want a more personal kind of love. But have a word with yourself that it won’t happen - the sooner you realise the sooner you can move on.

Or the way I see it is, just because one person finds you annoying not everybody will, because we’re all different and perceive personality differently. Would I want to associate with somebody who thought I was stupid and was rude enough to tell me, anyway? Nope! So they don’t matter a jot. What matters is the people that like/ love me and treat me respectfully. OP, you’re never going to control what your brother does. You can only learn to accept yourself, warts and all, and learn to control your reaction to things he says.

@Teanbiscuits33

but honestly, you’re upset because you have low self esteem and somewhere inside, you believe the things that are being said

I do have low self esteem but that is not all that is upsetting me here. take the 'weird' example I posted above. It makes me feel really stressed that I'm letting people down but also which is separate that if he isn't happy with everything, that this will become a stick to beat me with in future. Rationally I know the answer is well you didn't lift a finger to organise anything so you can F- off but my brain computes it as a horribly frightened fear of ' gosh I must keep him happy otherwise I am in for a lifetime of these failings and decisions of mine being used again and again to attack me for my uselessness.

@Teanbiscuits33

Would I want to associate with somebody who thought I was stupid and was rude enough to tell me, anyway? Nope! So they don’t matter a jot. What matters is the people that like/ love me and treat me respectfully.

this last sentence is really important. I will write it down and refer back to it. I need to work it up into a version that would act as a response to attack. like if he is shitty to say in reply 'please don't speak to me like that, it matters to me that the people I love treat me respectfully'. No point in saying people who love me as that's opening a door I just don't want to.

@Therapyhelped thank you for posting on this thread and I am sorry you have had such a difficult and painful time. how did you find the extremely kind very experienced psychologist that you referred to.