To think DH is being ridiculous about nephew playing with DD’s toys?

[NoseyAd107]

So, we had BIL and SIL over today with their DS (6). Lovely kid, well-behaved, gets on well with our DD (4). They were playing nicely when DS started playing with some of DD’s toys – mostly her dolls and the Barbie house. DH suddenly pipes up and says, “Oh, those are DD’s special toys, let’s not mess them up.”

I was mortified. DD wasn’t bothered at all – in fact, she was happily playing along. But DH kept making little comments like, “Maybe you’d rather play with the cars instead?” (which, ironically, DD also plays with all the time!). BIL and SIL didn’t say anything, but I could tell SIL was a bit ??? about it.

After they left, I told DH he was being ridiculous, and he doubled down saying, “They’re her toys, and I don’t want them getting ruined.” I pointed out that (a) DD was fine with sharing, (b) he doesn’t bat an eye when other kids play with them, and (c) DS is SIX, not some rampaging toddler who’s going to destroy them. He then muttered something about “boys should play with boys’ toys”, which… just no.

I honestly didn’t think DH was that old-fashioned, but now I’m wondering if I’ve been blind to it? AIBU to think he’s being completely OTT? And if so, how do I get through to him?

Posting here before I actually lose my mind.

That sounds like a very uncomfortable play date. If I was SIL I think I'd be avoiding future play dates with him present. If he carries on he could have an impact on DDs social life.

I’m surprised at your DH, but from your DN’s point of view, it’s probably novelty value - I doubt he has a Barbie house or Barbies at home. I’d point this out to your husband, and tell him that toys are toys. I’d also challenge your husband on saying that a six year old would “spoil” a four year old’s toys - I expect he would think DN were being a bit precious if he objected to your DD playing with his toys at his house on the grounds that she might spoil them.

Maybe you should buy him a doll for his birthday 😏

I’d be super worried about it. The fact that he told nephew not to play with them out loud. But gave the reason that he didn’t want him to mess them up. It means your DH knows it’s wrong to tell a boy not to play with dolls. But deep down he doesn’t think it’s wrong enough to still allow it. That to me is really concerning.

Because one day you might have a son and let it play with dolls and his penis will drop off / he'll catch gay and your husband's manliness will be called into question

That is a terrible attitude and I would want a very serious conversation with him before I had any more children

This has nothing to do with ruining the toys and everything to do with his views on boys playing with what he perceives as girls toys . You’ve married a man with very out of date and quite offensive views and the only good thing is that you didn’t have a boy yourself . I certainly would be having a conversation about his views and wouldn’t be having anymore children .

Ooh. Not great.
I notice you said:
'I honestly didn’t think DH was that old-fashioned'
So I'm guessing he is 'old fashioned' in other ways? Like what? How old is he, out of curiosity?

I wouldn't have any more children with him - what if the next one is a boy who doesn't fit into gender stereotypes, your husband could damage him for life with his attitude. I expect you were embarrassed and mortified by his behaviour - but he is the one who should be ashamed!

This^
I can’t even imagine my DH making this sort of comment at the play date.
Even if your DH didn’t mean the problem of gay catching his comments were very rude from playing and sharing point of view. WTF???He basically was against DN playing with DD. If I was your in laws I would think twice before meeting you somewhere again.
If it was also about “ gay catching” ...
Imo you need to think carefully about what happened and whether he’s got other similar traits and have a conversation with him. We all make mistakes sometimes but this one looks a bit too deep to be an accidental one-off.

So he's happy for DD to play with "boys" toys (cars), but not a visiting boy to play with "girls" toys??

Yeah, he's being weird and ridiculous.

Show him this thread!

Also please sign your daughter up for rugby immediately!

No honestly I would be worrying if he is going to apply such misogynistic and sexist views that affect her going forward. Eg. not allowed to do STEM as they are boys subjects etc.

Please sit him down and talk to him gently about it. Nobody is perfect remember

Says more about your DH than it does about the 'possibility' of any adverse effects on the child. Is your DH 'confused' sexually?

I had 2 girls then a boy. My boy used to dress up with his sisters in dresses and heals, push prams, "feed" dolls. He even had his own pram.

Likewise the girls would play with their brothers cars, soldiers etc.

One of my girls was obsessed with dinosaurs from the age of 3 and I bought her "boy" clothes because they had dinosaurs on.

They're kids, let them be kids and use their imaginations and have fun.

He is so out of order here. Toys are toys. It sounds like he has a lot of hidden stuff to work through.

An attitude that normally comes from believing girls and women are ultimately inferior! His sexism will no doubt affect your daughter sooner or later, and I'd be surprised if it doesn't already influence your relationship dynamics. What an arse.

This is the real issue

Funny that he didn't object to dd playing with cars? How does that work? Or were they pink cars which made it ok?

How toxic of him.
Poor nephew.
If I was SIL I would be giving your house a very wide berth.
I wouldn't want my daughter hearing that either.
Your husband sounds toxic in his views.

Take it very seriously.
He's made a right show of himself.
When she goes to school, parents who get that vibe from him will avoid him and talk about him.
Believe me, not good.

Your husband is an idiot. Whether this is a boys shouldn’t play with ‘girls’ toys thing or he’s just being weird and precious about DD’s things. I’d have been really embarrassed.

Good luck when DD wants birthday parties or play dates with any boys from school. DH will end up the talk of the playground and the invitations everyone avoids/declines.

My DD (12) has lots of male friends, they have always played with her toys over the years and even more recently, now they are becoming teens, they will still let her mess around giving them make overs with her make up and hair products etc. They are all yet to catch the ‘gay’.

You don't have to be perfect to know that toys are toys and children can play with whatever they want.

If it's his brother or sister that's the DC's parent, then they can tell him he's being a twat too...probably better coming from them...