To think DH is being ridiculous about nephew playing with DD’s toys?

[NoseyAd107]

So, we had BIL and SIL over today with their DS (6). Lovely kid, well-behaved, gets on well with our DD (4). They were playing nicely when DS started playing with some of DD’s toys – mostly her dolls and the Barbie house. DH suddenly pipes up and says, “Oh, those are DD’s special toys, let’s not mess them up.”

I was mortified. DD wasn’t bothered at all – in fact, she was happily playing along. But DH kept making little comments like, “Maybe you’d rather play with the cars instead?” (which, ironically, DD also plays with all the time!). BIL and SIL didn’t say anything, but I could tell SIL was a bit ??? about it.

After they left, I told DH he was being ridiculous, and he doubled down saying, “They’re her toys, and I don’t want them getting ruined.” I pointed out that (a) DD was fine with sharing, (b) he doesn’t bat an eye when other kids play with them, and (c) DS is SIX, not some rampaging toddler who’s going to destroy them. He then muttered something about “boys should play with boys’ toys”, which… just no.

I honestly didn’t think DH was that old-fashioned, but now I’m wondering if I’ve been blind to it? AIBU to think he’s being completely OTT? And if so, how do I get through to him?

Posting here before I actually lose my mind.

It sounds like he’s never witnessed a play date before. How embarrassing.

That isn’t weird, it’s sexist.

Very odd behaviour from your DH. All of my boys at some stage have wanted to play with dolls/prams/Hoovers/My Little Ponies/played dress up in "girl" costumes. And other times wanted trains, trucks, cars etc. It's just playing and exploring! I've always just let them crack on - so long as they're happy, that's all that counts. He needs to stop being sexist - he'll be saying they'll make him gay next! (Also not a problem if they are ultimately!).

Wow! I'd not be planning on having any more children with this one OP, and really hope that your DD doesn't start showing a preference for Action Man, and the colour blue! What a weird attitude in this day and age, is he actually homophobic?

@NoseyAd107 are either of BIL or SiL related to your DH? Did they not call him out on it there and then?

I would be putting my foot down with a very firm understanding here, OP. You’ll have a very difficult time raising older kids and teens with a man like this.

Google "flow chart boys and girls toys", see the appropriate images, show it to DH, tell him to stop being a twat.

(It's basically
"Do you operate this toy with your genitalia?
Yes -> it's not a toy for children.
No -> it's for both boys and girls)

I would post a link or pic, but not sure where we are with that on this site ATM...

He was being ridiculous, and how sad for your DD and your nephew because his attitude will send them bad messages.

What would he do if you had a son?

There’s nothing nicer than kids just innocently playing: DS today cuddling his baby doll and pretending to put on lipstick like mummy, then making his trains crash. I’d be furious if he were getting policed on a playdate because he likes wearing pretty hair clips or whatever.

My OH is exactly like this. He does not want our DS playing with dollies and stuff like that. Hilariously, DS loves playing with DD's dollies and went one better and said "no, daddy, I'm the mummy!". I bet the clever little man has noticed dolly play makes daddy uncomfortable and is doubling down on the game! Though my OH doesn't say anything, he just does the eyes of worry. Maybe DS will grow up able to change a pooey nappy without grimacing?!

I'd be very worried to have a girl with this man! Very old fashioned views. I hope she isn't a tom boy when she's older, he won't like that will he.

Wow. That's... just bonkers.

I absolutely hate this attitude! He is out of order, make sure he knows this. Gender stereotypes damage both boys and girls. Also, playing a variety of toys in different ways is very beneficial for kids so it would be unhelpful to their development to restrict it. Maybe he didn't realise he held this attitude, I think its good it's addressed now while DD is so young.

God,I'd be really embarrassed if my DH behaved like that 😳 you are going to have to have a serious talk with him about his sexist attitude!

Yikes, thank god you don't have a boy with him!

Honestly if his attitude is that boys shouldn't play with dolls I would be worried about what he thinks girls shouldn't do (as you have a DD). Is it going to be "girls can't play football"? "Girls can't do maths"? "Women should focus on looking after the babies and keeping house"?.

Indeed. I would have a massive problem with this. What if your dd strays outwith his idea of appropriate play for a girl? What if she develops a love for cars, dinosaurs, digging? Certainly, lots of girls happily joined my son in those interests and my dd2 is already v excited by dinosaurs.

Wider society places too much nonsense children. I would not accept it at home.

How embarrassing, but it's definitely still very much a thing with some men.
Did you say something at the time OP?
I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut.

He then muttered something about “boys should play with boys’ toys”, which… just no.

This is not only ridiculous of him but potentially damaging to your children (especially if you have a boy with him, though it's serious enough that you should not be considering any more children with him until he sorts himself out).

Ask him directly what he'd think of a gay son.

I have boys and people like your husband make me so cross. Toys are toys and playing with dolls is beneficial to both sexes (and I'd like to see him try and take my youngest's baby from him... that doll gets more attention than a real baby some days!).

That's ridiculous and so rude of him.
Our kids sometimes had special toys they they didn't want to be messed up and we just put them away before we had other kids to visit.

But that isn't what happened here. Sounds like he was playing nicely. I think that's so sweet that they were playing together and he wasn't avoiding the "girls toys".

I suspect he'd put a lot more effort into playing with a DS if you had one.

Clearly got some unresolved issues there, do you think his parents may have said something to him when he was a kid?

Is it possibly a hygiene thing?

Of course it isn't.

Otherwise he wouldn't direct him to the other toys.

It's a man being a dickhead thing.

Christ that’s mortifying.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Were you planning more children? You can’t risk having a boy with this idiot can you?

Yanbu. The “dolls aren’t for boys” vibe is unattractive to say the least. It would make me seriously worry if I was planning another baby in future that if it was a boy, what kind of toxic masculinity would he be passing on (and to an extent, with your existing daughter).