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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends meeting without me

60 replies

CocoBean22 · 09/02/2025 14:45

Me and two of my friends used to meet up once in every school holiday with our kids who are the same ages.

Last time in the Christmas holidays I was meant to go but couldn't make it due to work commitments so had to drop out.

I found out yesterday from one of the friends that she is meeting up next week with the kids and the other friend, I acted cool when she told me and said 'oh that will be nice' but deep down I'm a bit hurt and not sure if I'm over reacting but feeling like this?

Part of me feels like messaging the other friend saying 'Hope you have a nice time next week with friend X' just to make a point that I'm aware they are meeting up without me but not sure what this will achieve 😔

AIBU for feeling a bit miffed they haven't asked me this time or should I let it go as obviously we are allowed to meet who we want when we want and don't have to be invited every time and still be friends?

OP posts:
TemporaryPosition · 09/02/2025 16:23

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 14:52

Are you 15?!

You need to stop being so immature. People are allowed to meet without you, they don't owe you an explanation nor do they need your permission.

OP I fully understand why this would hurt you. Don't pay any attention to people here who want to gaslight you and hurt you further. This is a totally normal response to your situation. I don't know if I could be as bold as to do what a pp has suggested and ask why you're not invited though! Is that something people do? I would fear that it would guarantee I was never invited ever again. But then, I don't think I would enjoy the company of people who made me feel like that going forwards.

ValentineValentineV · 09/02/2025 16:28

How are the meet-ups normally organised, it mainly one friend who instigates it or do you take turns. You could suggest something nice for Easter holidays perhaps and try not to be hurt about the next week get together.

Runningoutofthyme · 09/02/2025 16:31

So when you messaged them to organise the meet up for the upcoming half term, have they declined?

IsawwhatIsaw · 09/02/2025 16:36

I think the point was that their meet up was not hidden from you.
FWIW I don’t think friendships of 3 are always the best. I’ve got a couple of these friendships that are ok but have let others go..

Fairyliz · 09/02/2025 16:36

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:49

Exactly what have they done that would constitute treating OP poorly? Like genuinely, I'm not being snitty, I truly cannot see how they've treated her badly here.

Show quote history

Genuinely, if you met up with two other friends every holiday and then you found out the next holiday they had arranged something and not invited you, would you really not be a tiny bit hurt?
I know you don’t have to invite people to meet-ups but surely if it’s a regular group you invite everyone?
I have several friendship groups and a WhatsApp group for each one. If I want to do something I put one message in the chat and then people can come if they want/are available.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 09/02/2025 16:44

@Fairyliz I agree with you. The trouble is the options for what happens next are either:
OP says nothing and internally stews on the issue like a pressure cooker.

OP sends a slightly PA text to her friends to let them know that she knows and potentially gets their backs up.

OP speaks to both her friends to establish what's going on, sort any possible issues she might be unaware are there (not saying that there are any) and clears things up.

Obviously the third option would be best but it isn't always that straightforward when two other people and a bunch of emotions are involved.

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 16:48

Fairyliz · 09/02/2025 16:36

Genuinely, if you met up with two other friends every holiday and then you found out the next holiday they had arranged something and not invited you, would you really not be a tiny bit hurt?
I know you don’t have to invite people to meet-ups but surely if it’s a regular group you invite everyone?
I have several friendship groups and a WhatsApp group for each one. If I want to do something I put one message in the chat and then people can come if they want/are available.

Show quote history

No I genuinely wouldn't, I think it'd be incredibly weird to take it personally that some of my friends have a separate relationship from their relationship with me. It's not like they're being secretive and sneaking around, they've told her about it!

I'd message my friends and say "So when are we doing our meet up this holiday ladies? Any ideas what we want to do?" because I get on well enough with my friends to communicate with them like a grown up and not take them meeting without me as a personal slight?

If the answer was then "oh well since we're already meeting up just the two of us we don't want include you" then I might be hurt.

DaisyChain505 · 09/02/2025 16:54

Do you have form for cancelling a lot or not being available?

I’ve been in these situations before with friends who constantly would cancel plans or just never be available or even initiate plans so in the end stopped inviting them!

VanillaVein · 09/02/2025 16:59

Such schoolgirl drama.

Original poster
CocoBean22 · 09/02/2025 17:00

JudgeBread

The only reason she told me about it was because I said 'Have you seen XXX lately?' To which she then replied
'Oh I'm actually seeing her next week'

OP posts:
NoDramaLama55 · 09/02/2025 17:05

Well if you ask them what's happened they will either apologise and invite you along and you'll always know you were never invited in first place and that's a bit awkward or they will shrug and say yes you were not Invited... and nothing moved forward. I just don't see what will be gained from saying anything tbh,

Crumpleton · 09/02/2025 17:06

You're not being unreasonable to feel a but upset.

TBH if it had of been me that couldn't make the meet up last time I'd have been the first to send a message arranging one for the up coming school holiday.

ValentineValentineV · 09/02/2025 17:20

CocoBean22

Had you arranged to see them in the upcoming half term? If you haven’t it’s not too late to if you want to see either or both or both if them .

kitchenplans · 09/02/2025 17:25

CocoBean22 · 09/02/2025 16:13

Thanks for the replies.

For people saying 'so they aren't allowed to see each other when I see one at Gym'

It's not about that, of course we are one or the other separately outside of our group meets.

The point here is this is our 'usual once a school holiday term time group meet up' that they are having on their own.

There's have been occasions when I've seen one and not the other and the other way round but the difference here is that's usually when we all catch up during a half term.

But why are you assuming that their meet up is instead of rather than in addition to the three of you meeting up? It sounds like you want a meet up with all three of you, so you put in the effort organise one? They'll either decline (you know there's something off), accept or open their existing plans up to you to be included.

If you don't ever make the effort to make plans with people, you will find that you end up losing touch and stopping getting invited to things. It's not necessarily malice, just that people tend to reciprocate invitations. So if you never invite/arrange, you end up dropping down their priority list, as they're prioritising return invitations for people who invited them somewhere.

CandyCane457 · 09/02/2025 17:28

I can understand why this feels a bit hurtful.

Yes, I can see how they easily made the plan when they were last together etc, but I do think there’s something a bit “off” the way the friend you saw recently so openly told you she was seeing your third friend next week but in the same breath DIDNT invite you. Like why did she not say “I’m seeing xyz next week, do you fancy coming along?” I don’t know why she just told you but then didn’t invite you, when it’s an event you’d usually be part of.

Do you ever make the effort to be the one to arrange plans? Do you have a group WhatsApp for the three of you? Could you just message them and ask if they fancy getting together soon?

Overthebow · 09/02/2025 17:35

Why don’t you ask them to meet in the holidays? Just start arranging it yourself.

Mary46 · 09/02/2025 18:07

I find 3 is tricky dynamics. Yes op it can be hurtful. Are their kids closer. Maybe you could suggest an easter catchup with them.

Coconutter24 · 09/02/2025 18:33

SunshineAndFizz · 09/02/2025 15:08

Yeah they probably arranged when they met.

If you want to go, why not just message the friend who told you and say 'hey, nice seeing you at gymnastics, <my child> would love <the cinema> if you're still going? Friday at 5pm wasn't it?'

You can’t just invite yourself like that!

Coconutter24 · 09/02/2025 18:44

Have you asked if they’d like to do anything in the holidays or suggest a place to go see if they want to? I wouldn’t mention their meet up and certainly not with a passive aggressive message or you’ll never be invited again

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 19:04

CocoBean22 · 09/02/2025 17:00

JudgeBread

The only reason she told me about it was because I said 'Have you seen XXX lately?' To which she then replied
'Oh I'm actually seeing her next week'

Ok? I'm not sure why you think that refutes anything I've said, she's not hidden it from you when she very easily could have. Why would she bring it up before you mentioned it? That would be a weird thing to do. She doesn't need to run her social life by you!

You're assuming you've been snubbed without just talking to these people, who are apparently your friends, to arrange your usual meeting together. Stop being passive and take the lead!

CarpetKnees · 09/02/2025 19:16

YABU.

Any individuals from a group can meet with any other individuals. Indeed, as you say you have done.
If you want to see both of these families together, then ask them / put something in the WhatsApp.

Do NOT send that ridiculous passive aggressive comment. You will make yourself look very immature.

Also, remember with friendships, sometimes they evolve. Just because you have met during school holidays over the last couple of years, doesn't mean that is going to continue forever. In fact it is very unlikely to.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/02/2025 19:23

How about asking them if they'd like to meet up during half term and suggest a couple of days?
They might ask you to join them, or they might say yes to another meetup with the three of you.
If they just say they haven't time to meet during half term, you have your answer - they don't want to see you as a three, at least at the moment.

winter8090 · 09/02/2025 19:38

I've been a similar situation and really understand how upset you are.

I don't think you should mention it. I did. I think it will just cause an atmosphere. If your friends are like mine they will continue to meet and leave you out just to prove the point that they are free to do as they wish (which of course they are)

How about pointing a positive slant on it and suggest that you all get together soon.

Your not alone in feeling how you do.

winter8090 · 09/02/2025 19:42

CarpetKnees · 09/02/2025 19:16

YABU.

Any individuals from a group can meet with any other individuals. Indeed, as you say you have done.
If you want to see both of these families together, then ask them / put something in the WhatsApp.

Do NOT send that ridiculous passive aggressive comment. You will make yourself look very immature.

Also, remember with friendships, sometimes they evolve. Just because you have met during school holidays over the last couple of years, doesn't mean that is going to continue forever. In fact it is very unlikely to.

Of course they can.

But the point is the OP usually gets invited and this time she's left out.

It's a good point that friendships do evolve.

Whistledown2 · 09/02/2025 19:57

OP some of the posters have not been kind to you here (hardly unusual🙄) so I'd like to agree with others that I think your response (hurt/upset) is normal. You feel sidelined and exclude, whether that was the intent (I'm sure it wasn't) or not, they're your very valid feelings, don't let anyone take them away from you.

I would not send a PA message. I would just arrange in the group for the next holiday meet up, ignoring the one just taken place.

I agree anyone can meet up with anyone and don't need to ask 'permission' but when you're a 'group' who does things together regularly it's a very different dynamic.

I hope things get sorted OP

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