Feeling disappointed by baby’s father behavior

[Homebirthmama]

Dear Mamas,

I would love to hear how you feel about your partner’s behavior since your baby was born.

I heard that new dads can find the first months quite challenging, I.e. feeling neglected by their partners, not quite knowing how to relate to the tiny newborns who mostly needs their mum. My husband was so looking forward to the birth of our baby, who frankly is a dream ( feeds a lot, doesn’t cry much) and he had 6 weeks paternity leave to enjoy it. Having to suddenly become the one who cooks and clean and is constantly asked to do things for me or hold the baby when I shower didn’t seems to give him any joy( always acted stressed) . He looks always lieo he’s doing me the biggest favor and resentful and ready to snap. The house is a total mess and he can only cook simple things like eggs, so he’s really just warming up food that friends made for us, but acts like it’s such a big deal. It seams that he feels unappreciated, even if I thank him constantly. The other day he shouted at me because I brushed some crumbs off the couch on the floor he hoovered that day - as I set quickly because the baby was crying and I needed to feed him ( I’m breastfeeding and we’re not using a bottle yet, so I’m the only one waking up up to 8 times during the night and the sleep deprivation is real) - so he started shouting at me while I was holding our crying baby and I felts so deeply angry and disappointed. I tried to respond calmly but he kept shouting so I told him to fuck off ( we never say this to each other but he was shouting while I was holding our baby and I really meant it). well, he lost it, started shouting even more and would not leave the room, saying things like “ you will respect me” ( never did this before). He didn’t stop until I cried and then he was sorry and apologized. But something in me broke, with the awareness that he is not able to control his anger even with our baby in my arms. After this event I feel really low and don’t expect anything from him. I actually ironically lost a lot of respect for him. I feel like I leave with a big baby who’s ego is very fragile and he will go for a tantrum if I make the mistake to express my anger or appear ungrateful. I don’t think it’s right to say fuck off to your partner, but how would your respond to be shouted at while sleep deprived and while holding your 5 weeks old crying baby?

would love to hear your thoughts and your experience of your partners. Thank you mamas.

You are both tired and overwhelmed. You shouldn’t brush crumbs on the floor and swear at him and he shouldn’t be sulky and miserable. weather is awful and this phase is tough and also can be boring.

can you get out for a walk or a coffee today and say ‘we are both finding this hard can we clear the air’

I think the above is good advice. It’s a very emotional time at the beginning, most of us have said things we’ve regretted in the heat of the moment. Try and get out for a walk, put it down to tensions running high, and put it behind you.

I think you are right and walking together has helped ( yeah the weather doesn’t help). Although he stresses a lot when the baby cries and not sure going to a cafe will help right now. To show compassion to each other is always a good idea, but I don’t feel I can be honest on telling him how hurt I am by his behavior as I know he will respond from a place of anger ( he always does). I have proposed couple therapy and he begrudgingly agreed saying only because he wants this person to show me how wrong I am ( which is really not the right mindset..)

would love to hear your experience of your partner as it might help me get prospective.

Op is a grown up in her own home. She can shove a few crumbs on the floor if need be. Better than sat in them mushing into the sofa... Anyone juggled bf and trying to grab some food themselves? Isn't an abusive event... Unless a twat dh makes it one.

Just noticed your user name op. If a few crumbs stressed him out how did he handle the mess of a home birth?

How was he parented? How did his dad treat his mum? New parents can revert back to what they experienced as children. He may be able to recognise this and change or you may now be starting to see the man he is as a father. Now is probably not the time for you to be thinking about this and making big decisions or future plans but I would bear it in mind. If abuse does start the sooner you leave the better it will be for you and your child.
It may also just be the stress of such a big life change and lack of sleep and that is something you could work through. That doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable though. He needs to be accountable for his own behaviour.

I don’t feel I can be honest on telling him how hurt I am by his behavior as I know he will respond from a place of anger ( he always does).

You mean he gets angry? How does he express that? And "he always does" means this has happened on multiple occasions?

That's not good, is it?

Sorry but your partner sounds useless and needs some home truths and you need to find some ways to make it easier for both of you.

When I had DD DH stepped up. He cooked all meals, steralised all pump parts and bottles, he cleaned the house (with instruction) and even made me daily coffee, breakfast and lunch for the first month. To me this should be the norm. Especially if breastfeeding.

I'd look at ways to make things easier though. You say he can't cook. Can you plan meals he can easily prepare without much skill, sausage and mash, pizza, ready made lasagne, pie, pasta and jarred sauce type things. Not ideal long term but for the time being. You can do the shop from the sofa and have delivered. We did this and it made life a lot easier for DH who can cook to a basic level. Also on days when he was back at work i could easily do them too with baby in a sling. I also included some easy grab items for lunches when he was back working.

Sleep wise. You say you're doing night wakes. Are you sharing a bedroom? If so then he's likely still being woken up. Disturbed sleep isn't going to help him. The best decision we made after the first few weeks was for DH to sleep in the spare room for the first 6 months. I had to wake up as was breastfeeding, he didn't. It meant at least one of us was functioning fully. Made the world of difference. He also took over for an hour or so when DD woke up and was fed so i could shower and rest a bit solo.

Why were you doing all domestic household tasks before you had a baby?

Why hasn’t he learnt to cook? Is he disabled? Or just a spoilt brat who thinks it’s women’s work?

as I know he will respond from a place of anger ( he always does).

Op do you mean he always does since having the baby, or before?

Because if before, it's not just because he's tired, is it.

I completely understand how you feel you've lost respect for him. Losing his temper like that is over the top and a red flag.

You might not have seen this side to him before if you've not experienced testing situations.
Has he lost his temper and been abusive before?

Imagine if the OP said "I'd hoovered up and everything was tidy, and then he just brushed the crumbs off himself onto the newly hoovered carpet and didn't apologise straight away or clean them up - why couldn't he have put the crumbs in the bin, or cleaned them up himself!"

Everyone would be furious. I'm not a domestic goddess, but that would have annoyed me.

Sounds more like the OP and her husband are at a v stressful time - new baby, poor sleep, and both are feeling frazzled.

I can’t really believe that people are defending the husband here, this woman has carried and given birth to his child, is breast feeding so hardly sleeping whilst dealing with hormones, recovery from birth etc and her only crime is to brush some crumbs on the floor and telling her husband to fuck off!

His behaviour is awful! If he’s finding the adjustment hard then he needs to speak up and ask for support not scream and shout at a vulnerable woman holding a newborn baby!

As for only being able to cook eggs etc - there is no excuse for his, he isn’t incapable of cooking just because he has a penis!

He's selfish to the bone and you're scared to be honest incase you annoy him.

This will not end well OP.

You've given birth, your body is healing and you're breastfeeding his child.

And all he can do is reheat food and cook a fucking egg???

You need to sit him down and tell him all about himself and what you expect from now going forward.

As you're scared of him, make sure you have a friend or family member in the house when you do - even if they're just mooching about the kitchen or in any other room.

If my partner dared to say “You will respect me” at any time, under any circumstances he’d be told to fuck off again and be fucked off permanently. 😳

You deserve better than this OP, stressed or not it’s unacceptable to put someone else on egg shells in their own home.

Having a newborn baby is incredibly stressful. You are both tired, overwhelmed, stressed and at times feel like fish out of water. Babies don't come with a manual. You learn as you go along, sometimes we misjudged/make a mistake, simply because it's all new and can be quite frankly terrifying! Your partner sounds anxious and overwhelmed, and possibly feels he doesn't know what he's doing. Brushing crumbs onto the floor after he'd hoovered was not a good move, neither was swearing at him. You need to both have an honest conversation with each other. He needs to tell you calmly if he's struggling, as do you. Taking out his emotions on you is not the way forward. Do you have any other family help available to you? If you do, take it, so you both can have a break. Try and get out as much as possible. Go for a walk. I know it's not easy with all the baby gear you need!

I agree with this. I have a 9 month old baby and I can absolutely say those early days are prime time for making mountains out of mole hills, the little things feel big when you’re exhausted, overstimulated and adjusting to a big life change.

Oh come on, yes it's very stressful having a newborn in the house but shouting "You will respect me" and making the OP scared to talk to him?

Add to that, he's had 9 months to learn to cook more than a bloody egg, since he was too bone idle to learn before the OP got pregnant.

I can't believe some people are putting it down to 'just the stress of a newborn'.

I don’t think you need couples therapy.

You both just need to apologise and come up with a solution to not let the exhaustion and demands of a newborn get to you both.

There is a reason why having kids breaks up relationships because it can be so overwhelming.

If he’s got 6 weeks paternity leave then you should be sleeping during the day as much as you can.
He should not be feeling resentful holding the baby whilst you shower.

You’re also not incapable of cooking and cleaning and you of course shouldn’t be brushing crumbs onto the floor (regardless of whether the baby is crying or not).

You need to sort this out this week because once he goes back to work, it’s going to get much tougher.
You will be the one cooking and cleaning and he will be tired from work.

Set up a schedule now of how it’s going to work.

It does get easier once baby starts sleeping better.

Congrats on the baby OP!

IMO I’m surprised that so many previous posters are minimising the H actions.

He isn’t cooking cleaning properly (really he should have been doing his share from the beginning of to ur life together), he shouted at (and scared?) the OP and blocked her from leaving a room. He isn’t helping in the night.

Abuse often starts in pregnancy or with childbirth and he is showing he has no respect or care for you.

I’m sorry you e been treated this way.

My DH looked after us/did everything with both of my DC, my job was to heal, care for and enjoy baby then baby and sibling and our family.

I’ve not long returned to work (new promo role at that) and he is sharing the nights wakes with our 16m. And just doing shit, we both do.

But then he and I always shared housework. And no, I didn’t have to ‘give instruction’ to a grown man.

You could say that you understand how he is feeling and that you do respect him, but you must draw the line at being shouted out. Tell him that if he shouts at you again then he will get told fuck off again.

All in all it's high time for matey boy to grow up, I mean, who screams at someone you must respect me? True respect is earned and cannot be demanded.

Men don't have the hormones we experience that stop us throwing the baby in a bush initially and running 😂

My DP was and still is great. He only got 2wks paternity leave and our daughter was hospitalised again after 2wks so he was rushing about between work and hospital, doing most of the night stays so I could rest at home (horrendous birth).

He did the cooking and the housework. He's not great at housework but it was enough to get by. He did all the bottle washing and cleaning of my breast pump etc so I always had clean stuff.

He also woke for every feed through the night to help out if needed (I didn't ask him to do this) and once we moved to formula he pretty much expected that feeding would be his job if he was there.

As soon as he got home from work he'd take over looking after the baby, but our first used to immediately fall asleep on him so he didn't need to do a huge amount with her. He also did all the bathing. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've bathed my 2 kids since they were born. I have a bad back so it's safer for everyone if DP does all the bending and lifting.

He's also never complained once about having to do any of this parenting as he understands it's half his job. Dads shouldn't be 'helping out' - it's their job too.

OP just be aware that if he's like this now it's likely to get worse. Me and DP both find the kids harder and more stressful to deal with now they are 2 and 4.

If you pander to him to that extent what exactly is the point of him being at home for 6 weeks?

And he shouted at the OP whilst she was holding the baby

How bloody dare he?

He's not remotely doing her 'job' whilst she's recovering from the birth and tending to THEIR baby

I think those early weeks are all about team work and both having time to bond with the new baby. I know ypu are feeding so naturally will be with the baby more but sounds as though the expectation is your partner does absolutely everything else and only holds the baby when you shower. Perhaps he can sit and have a cuddle whilst you cook or do some tidying. You can also put the baby down for a few minutes.

The op's dh presumably isn't also bf their dc... To the numpty trying to defend the dh....