To stop ex seeing DC toddler

[queenbbn]

I left my ex partner and father of my child several months ago due to constant arguments, his lazy parenting, drug abuse, verbal abuse and just his general nastiness towards me.

He pays me between £100 - £150 a week but I am the sole carer of our DC.

He will come over at the weekends for 4/5 hours and then go socialising with his siblings/friends etc.

All he does is play with DC and then fall asleep on my sofa until I tell him it's time to go home as I don't want him staying in my house.

No real parenting.
He has never cooked DC a meal.
Never washed DC clothes.
It has probably been a year since he bathed DC and put him to bed.

He is a pretty useless father.

He is also a marijuana user and crashed his car several years ago whilst drinking driving.

I do not feel comfortable and will not allow him to take DC to his flat due to the above reasons and because of his he refuses to help me parent our son like for example come over and do some chores whilst I sleep/shower etc.

So he came over today and said some really hurtful things to me again for no reason and unprovoked.
I have told him he can't see DC anymore as I don't benefit from his visits and he will have to take me to court.

He made some threats towards me and I have now ordered a Ringdoor camera and CCTV because he is always making threats and I have had enough.

I feel bad for my son who loves his dad but I think it's best that I stop him visiting due to his threatening behaviour and honestly I don't think DC is missing out on much.

AIBU?

I am also considering getting a restraining order on him as I am sick of his abuse.

Is there a family member who could supervise visits?

I think you need to be careful about your wording
"I have told him he can't see DC anymore as I don't benefit from his visits and he will have to take me to court".
You also say your DC loves his dad. It's not about helping you, it's about your DC having a relationship with his father. Using phrases like the above could go against you if it does get to court. If your child does stop seeing him and he is told that it was because you didn't benefit from it that could cause a lot of problems.
However, if he is abusive and a risk to your child then yes, stop contact and go through the courts for a restraining order and decision on contact.

His reasoning will be "I will come and help" but he doesn't do anything but play a few games and fall asleep.

I have worked hard to get my son eating healthily and into good eating habits and he will come along with junk food from Greggs and try and feed him pies and pizzas etc, he just doesn't have a clue on parenting.

I would be terrified of leaving DC alone with him as he has no idea what to do, he constantly asks me "how do you do this"? I just of told him a million times.

His family have had kids took of them in the past and adopted so I am very worried any any of his family being alone with DC to be honest.
I found out all this afterwards.

Child comes first we don't get to play god. Your child has a right to know his father but also has a right to be safe. It's not dad's job to do your chores but it is his job to spend quality time with him. You could look at a contact centre if no one in family friends to supervise

It's like all week he works and at weekends our DC only gets a few hours of his time and then he goes out with his friends/siblings.

I have suggested that he could book a hotel close by and come round in the morning and take DC child but he doesn't get here until 3/4pm and is gone by 7pm.
I feel he should put DC first as he doesn't see him much.
There is no real schedule to his visits and at the moment DC isn't sleeping and I am exhausted.

A contact centre sounds like a good idea, do I just contact them directly?

I really don't want him coming into my house anymore, he is too aggressive.
Last week I was feeding DC and couldn't leave him in the high chair and asked ex to post key back through the letterbox as he leaves it in the door!

I only realised the next day at lunchtime when I was taking DC out, he just can't be trusted with DC alone.
In the past he has left the oven on, front door open etc.

I think supervised visits benefit your child if he is kind in his interactions with your child and if he isn't exposed to the drug use etc and as you said your son loves his Dad, it's about what is best for your son and for him to feel loved by his Dad. It must be incredibly annoying that he doesn't actually help you, and hard doing all the work yourself but I'd say that supervised visits (is there someone else who can supervise so that you don't have to deal with him?) benefit your son. I know of a few absolutely amazing single mothers who do absolutely all of the parenting and still allow the Dads contact because it benefits their children, and they are amazing women. One day their children will realize how much their mums did for them.

@Eenameenadeeka
It is incredibly hard doing everything myself.
It's awful when he comes round criticising what I do as if he is an expert.

He tells me my son will hate me when he is older and is just generally very toxic and nasty.

I just wish I didn't have any contact with him to be honest and I didn't have to have him in my house.
How do I arrange a visit in a contact centre?

DC gets very happy seeing his dad and genuinely loves seeing his dad.

Ex has also started to badmouth me to DC saying things like "Mommy is so nasty" and trying to turn him against me.

You shouldn't "stop" him from seeing his child, what you should do however is stop him doing it at your house. Your house isn't a place for him, your house is your house. If he wants to have visitation, then he arranges to do so in another location.

You can go NC with him, set up visits where he picks the child from a central location after you've dropped DC off. You don't owe him fk all, and you definitely don't need to take any of his shit.

Set up all communication via a intermediary, there's even apps that do it.

Get him the fk out of your life.

You're in the right and in the wrong at the same time.

Your concerns are justified but what isn't justified is stopping him seeing his child because of them. You don't have the right to stop him. It's his child.

You also said he "can't see DC any more as I don't benefit from his visits" that "I" is problematic. It doesn't matter if you benefit, it matters if DC benefits.

What I would do is arrange conta t somewhere that isn't your home. As long as this man is in your home, he will continue to see it as a visit to what used to be his family home. He will continue to think he can call asleep on the sofa of someone else's home and he will continue to leave the parenting of his child to you

Arrange, as formally as possible, set times that he has your child and agree on whether he will pick him up or you will drop him off.

It's not your problem if he doesn't know what to do. He's a parent, so he has to learn just like you had to. Noone is born knowing what to do, including mothers.

Thank you for the advice, I have taken it on board.

I have suggested that his sister acts as a point of contact and to drop of DC to his mothers at set times.

I hate having him in my house, all he does is fall asleep on my sofa, leave crumbs of foods everywhere and never cleans up after himself.
It's like having 2 kids.

The visits are to play with DC and to have digs at me and tell me what to do when he has no idea on parenting.

I will text him now to arrange this and see what his reply is.

You don't really care what his reply is. Don't ask what he thinks. Set the message that the visits are no longer at your house, if he doesn't like it, he needs to make other arrangements - not you, He needs to make other arrangements. Youre not his mum. Your house isn't open to him any more.

Be strong! Be clear

At most I would tell him if he wants to see DS HE arranges meetings at a contact centre and I will bring DS.

it doesn't sound like he or his family are of any benefit to DS. Of course DS enjoys seeing him as he plays with him just like in the other toddler enjoys seeing any other adult that always plays with them. The fact your ex badmouth you to him is not good and overall I don't think he's a good influence on DS's life.

Personally I would hope that leaving the responsibility to organise a contact centre to CS is just too much effort for him and he fucks off

there's no way I'd be using his sister or his mother for contact supervision

its really hard having your ex come in your house all the time so I would 100% tell
him that he needs to propose a routine and a means f the contact being safe whether it's a family member or supervised contact centre (yes you can contact directly). But it's not all down to you to sort out. He needs to do it too.
you do not have to allow him in your house at his whim

You are not being unreasonable uto have boundaries and to stop him from abusing your home, but you would be unreasonable to deprive your child of a relationship with his father by stopping all contact.

You can say no more visits to your home.

Start off with arranging for DC to be available for a 3 hour supervised (perhaps with Ex's mum or another relative you trust) excursion every other weekend, say 11:00-14:00 to include taking him to a cafe for lunch then going to a play park.

Over time it might grow to longer times and more responsibility if he starts demonstrating he (your ex) is capable of that and if DC wants to - he (your ex) may grow up, in time, and as DC grows up the relationship will evolve.

So he crashed his car because he was pissed and he’s a drug user, yet you still went ahead and had a child with him? thinking he would change?

Both of those things would be a red flag, particularly the first one. Just from your one post I could have told you he’d be a shit dad. Irresponsible etc…

I don’t believe that the majority of ‘shit dads’ are great beforehand. There are always red flags but some people chose to ignore them and this is the result… Sad all around really.

You don't have to let this man who caused you distress into your home, your sanctuary, your safe place. His presence upsets you and unsettles you.

You're not in a relationship and he doesn't live there so there's no reason to expect him to help you round the house.

He's a useless deadbeat who doesn't do childcare. Put him in that box and accept that's his limitations.

But it's wise to promote a relationship between father and DC.

You don't want later accusations of parental alienation, or 'why did you never let me see my dad?'

So your solution is to arrange meetings in a neutral place.

It's nearly spring, so depending where you are, parks, the beach, the countryside, playgrounds would allow them time together, exercise and fun with none of the stuff he's shit at and you resent.

If money is ok, wildlife places, kids' shows etc would be fun to do.

If just being around him pulls up bad memories, include friends and family for emotional support and someone else to talk to.

Keep those meetings fun and superficial.

It's sad. But you need to make the best of it and promote a relationship - on your terms, that respect your space.

I'd be tempted to meet at soft play. You can sit near the door and ex can manage dc.

Op. I have to be honest and tell you that NONE of what you mentioned about him would stop him from having contact in the family court. Family court purports that contact is for the child's benefit. You have to be careful as if he pursues the court route he'd end up with more contact than you're offering.. possibly even shared care. The bar is set very low. I'm just warning you. None of these reasons are good enough to stop contact in the eyes of a judge.

I would lodge with 101 that you had to order him to leave your home because of his verbal abuse of you in front of your shared child.
Tell them he was under the influence of drugs if you feel he was.
Create a paper trail.

Ask for it to be noted.
Get the video bell and do not allow him in EVER again.

Tell him to take you to court if you feel your child is not safe in his care.

Meeting him outside the home could be a solution too, but do you want contact with him?

OP it sounds a lot like you won’t let him parent.

of course he doesn’t know how to, you won’t even let him take your DV to his flat. You get annoyed he doesn’t do your chores for goodness sake?

You complain he goes out with his siblings and friends, but you kick him out the only place he’s allowed to see his DC. What on earth else is he supposed to do?

Id be getting verbally aggressive with anyone treating me like this. And he’s right, if you keep alienating him from your child, they very well might grow to dislike you,

It's just impossible to are age anything with him as on weekends he doesn't get up until late and will get arrive here by 3/4pm, DC goes to bed at 7.30pm.

His family are all the same as him, his mother didn't even visit DC when he was born, shows no real interest and yet ex complains about DC not seeing his family.

He had told me to "sort it out" with arranging visits at a centre as he will be taking me to court and it costs £300 apparently.

He completely catfished me, her was together for 5 years and in that time he never showed me who he really was.
It was only after I got pregnant that he revealed his true colours.

I only found out about the drink driving at the crash by chance when his friend let it slip.

If you used majority of this reasoning in court, a judge would laugh at you.

Your child’s relationship with his father is meant to benefit him, not you. He doesn’t have to come and do your
chores whilst you shower or sleep. Come and look after your son whilst you do those things maybe but definitely not doing your housework.

Your son loves his dad, as you say and his dad makes the effort to come over every weekend.

I would be firmer with your boundaries, for example, not letting him get to the point of falling asleep on the sofa. I would also start allowing him more independence with looking after your son, he won’t ever learn to do the caring for him if you’re always there.

It’s very likely a court would order an overnight stay a week at the very minimum based on what you’ve said.

Make the arrangements to meet regardless of whether you think he'll turn up or not, at a time that is reasonable to any reasonable person and a place that is accessible for both.

Be consistent and appropriate. Soft play, sports day, walk in the park.

Ensure the arrangements are in writing. Keep a copy.

Be there with your child.

Take notes of his behaviour. Did he turn up? Flake at the last minute?

Keep a journal. Photos and flyers of events you invited him to.

You need to show you've been accommodating, positive about encouraging contact, reasonable in your arrangements for appropriate activities, all along.

Clear that his drug use and unpleasant behaviour means that all contact is in a suitable public place.

I'd bet he won't be organised or able to produce anything like this evidence. Don't tell him you're doing it.

I have told him he can't see DC anymore as I don't benefit from his visits

Contact visits aren't for your benefit, they're for the child's. Should he be doing more? Absolutely. But to deny your child the right to see their dad because it's not beneficial to you is not the way to go. Maybe supervised visits in a contact centre could possibly be the way to go for now.

It's like I can't do anything for myself.
I can't even book hairdressers, see friends and everything evolves around his schedule.

It is impossible to arrange anything but he has his freedom and can do anything he wants,I don't think that's fair.

He wants to come today and I have told him it's almost 4 o clock it will be 5 by time he gets here and DC goes to bed at 7.30pm.

He just doesn't listen to what I say, I have just repeated he will have to make a schedule if he wants to see DC and he is not to come to my house anymore.

Ringdoor bell is being installed tomorrow.