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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop ex seeing DC toddler

31 replies

queenbbn · 08/02/2025 21:48

I left my ex partner and father of my child several months ago due to constant arguments, his lazy parenting, drug abuse, verbal abuse and just his general nastiness towards me.

He pays me between £100 - £150 a week but I am the sole carer of our DC.

He will come over at the weekends for 4/5 hours and then go socialising with his siblings/friends etc.

All he does is play with DC and then fall asleep on my sofa until I tell him it's time to go home as I don't want him staying in my house.

No real parenting.
He has never cooked DC a meal.
Never washed DC clothes.
It has probably been a year since he bathed DC and put him to bed.

He is a pretty useless father.

He is also a marijuana user and crashed his car several years ago whilst drinking driving.

I do not feel comfortable and will not allow him to take DC to his flat due to the above reasons and because of his he refuses to help me parent our son like for example come over and do some chores whilst I sleep/shower etc.

So he came over today and said some really hurtful things to me again for no reason and unprovoked.
I have told him he can't see DC anymore as I don't benefit from his visits and he will have to take me to court.

He made some threats towards me and I have now ordered a Ringdoor camera and CCTV because he is always making threats and I have had enough.

I feel bad for my son who loves his dad but I think it's best that I stop him visiting due to his threatening behaviour and honestly I don't think DC is missing out on much.

AIBU?

I am also considering getting a restraining order on him as I am sick of his abuse.

OP posts:
starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 15:35

queenbbn · 09/02/2025 15:30

It's like I can't do anything for myself.
I can't even book hairdressers, see friends and everything evolves around his schedule.

It is impossible to arrange anything but he has his freedom and can do anything he wants,I don't think that's fair.

He wants to come today and I have told him it's almost 4 o clock it will be 5 by time he gets here and DC goes to bed at 7.30pm.

He just doesn't listen to what I say, I have just repeated he will have to make a schedule if he wants to see DC and he is not to come to my house anymore.

Ringdoor bell is being installed tomorrow.

I think you just need to be firm. Tell him he can arrive between say 10-11 and leave between 5-6 (unless he stays to do bedtime) and if he hasn’t arrived in that time, no visit is happening for the day. You don’t have to sit in all day waiting for him to turn up or suddenly say he wants to visit at 5pm, that isn’t fair on you or your child.

You don’t need to stop visits but you can definitely put some control back on them.

Whatnowthenfordone · 09/02/2025 15:36

starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 12:59

If you used majority of this reasoning in court, a judge would laugh at you.

Your child’s relationship with his father is meant to benefit him, not you. He doesn’t have to come and do your
chores whilst you shower or sleep. Come and look after your son whilst you do those things maybe but definitely not doing your housework.

Your son loves his dad, as you say and his dad makes the effort to come over every weekend.

I would be firmer with your boundaries, for example, not letting him get to the point of falling asleep on the sofa. I would also start allowing him more independence with looking after your son, he won’t ever learn to do the caring for him if you’re always there.

It’s very likely a court would order an overnight stay a week at the very minimum based on what you’ve said.

Except it won’t get to court. The man can’t be arsed to stay awake when visiting his son. Can’t be arsed to make him a meal. He’s not going to take it to court.

Caroparo52 · 09/02/2025 15:37

Do it. Protect your ds and yourself as 1st priority. If and when he sorts himself out them you can negotiate contact agsin. You are not his afternoon doss house.

Whatnowthenfordone · 09/02/2025 15:38

starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 15:35

I think you just need to be firm. Tell him he can arrive between say 10-11 and leave between 5-6 (unless he stays to do bedtime) and if he hasn’t arrived in that time, no visit is happening for the day. You don’t have to sit in all day waiting for him to turn up or suddenly say he wants to visit at 5pm, that isn’t fair on you or your child.

You don’t need to stop visits but you can definitely put some control back on them.

Show quote history

Why should she allow a man who verbally abused her into her home?

starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 15:45

Whatnowthenfordone · 09/02/2025 15:36

Except it won’t get to court. The man can’t be arsed to stay awake when visiting his son. Can’t be arsed to make him a meal. He’s not going to take it to court.

Show quote history

You’d be surprised how quickly a lazy parent becomes very involved suddenly when court is mentioned!

The amount of awful parents (awful for whatever reason) who do end up taking it to court just to spite the other parent is insane.

starsinthedarksky · 09/02/2025 15:46

Whatnowthenfordone · 09/02/2025 15:38

Why should she allow a man who verbally abused her into her home?

Show quote history

She doesn’t have to, it was just a suggestion.

She can also use the same rules for going out somewhere. For example “I will be at X location between 10-2, please meet us there for you to visit child”.

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