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Original poster

Feeling sad about DH's moods and effects on the family

76 replies

kiddiedad · 08/02/2025 21:45

He's always quite miserable, but lately, it's been really bad. He's just always got a face like a smacked arse, sorry about that horrible term- but it's just too fitting, not to be used.

He works long hours during the week, so the only time we have together really is at the weekend. Our kids are nearly 3 and 5 years old.

Yes, they fight a lot and it can be stressful, but they're our kids !

If it was up to him, he'd just stay home all weekend with them- shut the door to his office / lie down in the bedroom and just leave me to it. He also never gets up with them in the morning.
I asked him last week and he shouted to stop breaking his balls...as I had been sleeping in another room with the kids, hence the raise voiced, I guess or maybe not.

Anyway, he just moaps around. I ask him if he's ok, if I can help- let's talk etc, but he doesn't want to. When we do go out- today we went out to a pub lunch he wanted to go to, he's really quiet ( it was a long drive ) and was ok in the pub during lunch but then back to silence again. The kids were shrieking in the car and he was getting very annoyed and shouted at them to be quiet. They were quite loud but it was just kid noise really.

The kids were begging to go to a soft play or to do something fun, which I would have taken them to but he was absolutely having none of it. We got home and he just retreated to the office, then spent some time in the bedroom. He usually takes our oldest to bed but when we asked her tonight if she'd rather stay with me- she said she wanted to stay with me.

Both my kids are extremely attached to me. They love their dad but I fear if he continues to act like this and retreat, they will pick up on it. He just has no patience for them, especially when we are out. But even at home, he just retreats. It's been getting worse since the start of the year.

I'm not sure how to get him out of this particular funk. I try to make him happy but he's never happy. My kids seem like happy kids but my oldest has said stuff like ' I don't want dad to pick me up, I just want you to pick me up '.. I know kids say this kind of stuff but I'm worried if he keeps retreating / not having fun with them, they'll notice.

He has zero desire to do anything with them. That's how it seems anyway. And if we do take them somewhere ' just for them ' he wants to run away at the first opportunity.

OP posts:
Checkhov · 09/02/2025 11:29

He's a selfish lazy miserable git. You and the kids would be a lot better off without him around ruining everything. It is always horrible upsetting things when you spilt up, but frankly he's there upsetting things all the time anyway. Once you rip off the plaster, you can begin to all be happy, whereas if you stay as you are, you'll have this for the rest of your lives.

EasyTouch · 09/02/2025 11:32

Way back in the day, I used to be the girlfriend of one of these.
Then I caught him giving me the filthiest of looks and everything crystallised for me.
I'd suggest leaviing before you catch him giving you one of these looks.
No cajoling, managing expectations or pats on the head can change one of these Vibes Crampers.
He'll always be the one at the party, embarrasingly talking about politics instead of having fun.

GretchenWienersHair · 09/02/2025 11:35

I have no advice unfortunately but here to handhold. I’m in a very similar situation and have posted on here a few times about it. True to MN style, the general consensus is usually LTB and, I understand why people say this, but it’s really not as simple as that. DH undoubtedly does a lot around the house as well as working his difficult hours, but he is so miserable all the time and can’t seem to communicate with any of us without an aggressive undertone. It’s exhausting, I’m fed up with it and the DCs are completely fed up with it too.

During the times when both DCs are occupied, I put my headphones on and listen to my favourite songs, podcasts or audiobooks so I don’t have to communicate with him. But my DCs are much older than yours so can probably occupy themselves for longer periods of time. I really don’t know what to suggest other than a proper chat with him, which I’m sure you’ve already tried numerous times.

Sending love and support your way!

Cattreesea · 09/02/2025 11:36

I feel sorry for your kids to have to navigate the moods of their selfish, miserable, father. This is not a healthy environment to grow up in.

They deserve better and so do you.

Give him and ultimatum: he sorts himself out and speaks to his GP if he is depressed or you are leaving him.

Bristolinfeb · 09/02/2025 11:39

LostittoBostik · 08/02/2025 22:16

I had a big blowup with my DH about this over Xmas. It was a hard conversation in which he said the things I observed (you're checking out of family life, your mood is rubbing off on the whole family) were all in my head. I did two things in this chapter that do seem to have genuinely helped:

  1. I told him, when he said that, that there was one thing that was absolutely true and unquestionable: I'm deeply miserable.
  2. I started going to solo therapy when he refused couples therapy
  3. I stopped expecting anything from him and lived my life with the kids as if he wasn't there. The first couple of days he got up and discovered we'd all already left the house and got on with things without him really reinforced the point that his choice to separate is his own look out - and he's the one losing his family over it

You can probably find my post on here - it was only just over a month ago.

Since then things have been a lot better between us. We're still not having much sex - I'm still not certain this is anything more than a temporary change in his behaviour and I don't feel up for it yet - but the whole mood of the house has changed.

The mantra 'you can only change yourself' really stuck with me. I'm glad I'm in therapy and although it's costly I think I'll keep going for a good few months

You sound like a strong and pragmatic person.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/02/2025 11:43

You do deserve better OP as do your kids.

I don't give a shit if he's depressed. MN is full of stories of these depressed men, moping around and checking out of family life because it's all about them.

Maybe he'll be happier living alone with only himself to suit?

You'll certainly be happier without the fun sponge sucking the very life out of you OP. Imagine a life free of tiptoeing around not having to gauge a man's moods and your heart sinking every time you see his miserable face.

I think it's time for a serious chat.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 09/02/2025 11:57

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Original poster
kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 12:01

@Wemaybebetterstrangers why did you emphasise the outside bit ? You don't believe he smokes outside ?

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 09/02/2025 12:02

Sounds a lot like my life 10 years ago. I tried to save things, desperately. Then 5 years ago I divorced, life is much better.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 09/02/2025 12:16

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everythingthelighttouches · 09/02/2025 12:18

OP it really sounds terrible. It sounds like he’s always been like this and you’ve really tried.
I don’t see a happy future for you with this man. Or for your children, who you clearly love dearly and want to have a happy life.

I’m think you should seriously consider leaving him.
Have you considered that, genuinely?
How old are you?
Does he earn vastly more than you?

Glitterbomb123 · 09/02/2025 12:19

I do think most men would just prefer to work and earn for the family, and not have to worry about much parenting. There is a reason why it was like this for years and years. I don't believe it makes them bad dads, times have changed and societal expectations have changed, but men haven't really changed. There are enough adults who love their dads and have good relationships even if they weren't 'hands on' when they were little. More recently women are expected, or want, to work just as many hours and then need the man to step up more.

I'm not saying it's ok, but realistically I do believe most men would prefer it that way. Some just can't deal with it and others can.

Is he loving to them? Does he enjoy doing anything with them at all? You may find he enjoys them more when they're older and not so 'full on' but of course it's up to you if you're willing to wait and see..

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 13:00

Glitterbomb123 · 09/02/2025 12:19

I do think most men would just prefer to work and earn for the family, and not have to worry about much parenting. There is a reason why it was like this for years and years. I don't believe it makes them bad dads, times have changed and societal expectations have changed, but men haven't really changed. There are enough adults who love their dads and have good relationships even if they weren't 'hands on' when they were little. More recently women are expected, or want, to work just as many hours and then need the man to step up more.

I'm not saying it's ok, but realistically I do believe most men would prefer it that way. Some just can't deal with it and others can.

Is he loving to them? Does he enjoy doing anything with them at all? You may find he enjoys them more when they're older and not so 'full on' but of course it's up to you if you're willing to wait and see..

That's not true. Women have been returning to the workplace after having children for decades now and most dads have stepped up to become more actively involved in parenting as a result.

I don't know why only men are allowed to find parenting hard and to back off until they are older. Women struggle too but don't get to opt out of parenting like some dads seem to do.

OP works full time too and does everything with the children while her DH skulks upstairs. No wonder OP feels resentful.

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 09/02/2025 13:12

kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 09:52

What a miserable way to spend your weekend.
I’d tell him you’ve noticed he’s irritable and the kids seem to be getting on his nerves, you’ve asked him if he’s ok and he snaps. So for a few weeks you’re going to give him a break, you’ll take the kids out for the next 2/3 weekends to give him time to think about everything.

Honestly, I feel like I already live my entire life, trying to give him a break and it has not worked so far. Most decisions I make are based on trying to get him to cheer the fuck up and it just doesn't work. He's had loads of time to himself the last few weeks. It seems to make it worse, if anything.

@kiddiedad I've just seen this update and it really resonates with me. The more "space" DH has, the worse it is. When he's involved and doing lots, it's generally better. He had 5 days away in Jan for my brother's 40th and the weeks after he got back were awful, he had no patience with ds and was withdrawing more and more.

I eventually snapped last week and we talked about it but nothing has really changed and I'm feeling a bit "in limbo" now with no idea what to do.

bigboykitty · 09/02/2025 13:15

User67556 · 09/02/2025 11:12

Because it read as though she was a SAHM and my thoughts are she needs her own financial independence if they split and also because he is clearly feeling some sort of pressure and maybe needs some contribution financially to the household. Turns out she does work so 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

So your assumptions were completely wrong!

Madamecholetsbonnet · 09/02/2025 13:15

He sounds like a fun sucker.

Life is too short to live like this. 💐

PlanningTowns · 09/02/2025 14:08

Depression can be very selfish and isolating. But if he is not willing to seek help to even establish if it is the issue then, sadly to say, it would be ultimatum time.

unless you change and accept his behaviour (and you have clearly tried) or he changes to so some level of positivity then it will never get better.

have you actually asked him what he wants, what his aspirations are and what his preference is at a weekend. Because if it turns out is is staying in bed or hiding away in the office, then to be honest you’ll be better off without him because you could get rid of the walking on eggshells and Debbie downer attitude and have a much lighter life

piscofrisco · 09/02/2025 14:24

He needs to see a dr op and get a handle on his depression

Devon1987 · 09/02/2025 14:28

Depressed or not, he is not pulling his weight childcare wise and sounds like a miserable selfish sod. I’d read him the riot act, either cheer the fuck up and be a dad or fuck off some where else. They are only small once and he is ruining it.

Glitterbomb123 · 09/02/2025 15:15

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 13:00

That's not true. Women have been returning to the workplace after having children for decades now and most dads have stepped up to become more actively involved in parenting as a result.

I don't know why only men are allowed to find parenting hard and to back off until they are older. Women struggle too but don't get to opt out of parenting like some dads seem to do.

OP works full time too and does everything with the children while her DH skulks upstairs. No wonder OP feels resentful.

Show quote history

I don't think only men are allowed to find parenting hard. I think everyone is allowed to find it hard.

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 17:23

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Then that’s an issue the OP would need to deal with. But she cannot let him carry on ruining family time at the weekend.

HereWithoutYou · 17/07/2025 07:59

Wrong thread, sorry

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 17/07/2025 08:02

Don’t give him a choice tell him he has to get mental health support and book a dr appointment. The effect of growing up in a house with an adult with mental health problems cannot be underestimated. Your kids may be arguing more as a reaction to the stressful atmosphere.

Naunet · 17/07/2025 13:28

Well he's a selfish, lazy, self obsessed twat, and it's working well for him because you run around doing everything and trying to find ways to give him even more of a break. Just stop, take some time for yourself, tell him to step the fuck up and be a parent rater than rewarding his entitlement.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 17/07/2025 13:55

I was married to one of these. The homing pigeon anxiety.

Must get home ASAP. Don't want to go out. Why do we need to go out. If a kid cries because we're leaving a fun thing, it means they hate it and we must never take them to soft play again. Etc. Why are you making plans for the kids, they won't like it. It costs too much. They don't need it. Etc. Why are you buying that for them, they don't want it, I bet you're just buying it for yourself. Etc. (He had a knack of making me feel ashamed for buying the kids things, as though I had grotty intentions somehow. What a guy.)

He was a miser and a misery.

Now we are divorced and he's with someone he actually likes (!) and he's... happy. Not welded to the couch watching Auto trader and refusing to leave the house. Now he voluntarily goes out and does all sorts.

You can't fix this. I'd get out now. Life will be immeasurably improved. You'll feel so much lighter and happier, and so will your children.