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Original poster

Feeling sad about DH's moods and effects on the family

76 replies

kiddiedad · 08/02/2025 21:45

He's always quite miserable, but lately, it's been really bad. He's just always got a face like a smacked arse, sorry about that horrible term- but it's just too fitting, not to be used.

He works long hours during the week, so the only time we have together really is at the weekend. Our kids are nearly 3 and 5 years old.

Yes, they fight a lot and it can be stressful, but they're our kids !

If it was up to him, he'd just stay home all weekend with them- shut the door to his office / lie down in the bedroom and just leave me to it. He also never gets up with them in the morning.
I asked him last week and he shouted to stop breaking his balls...as I had been sleeping in another room with the kids, hence the raise voiced, I guess or maybe not.

Anyway, he just moaps around. I ask him if he's ok, if I can help- let's talk etc, but he doesn't want to. When we do go out- today we went out to a pub lunch he wanted to go to, he's really quiet ( it was a long drive ) and was ok in the pub during lunch but then back to silence again. The kids were shrieking in the car and he was getting very annoyed and shouted at them to be quiet. They were quite loud but it was just kid noise really.

The kids were begging to go to a soft play or to do something fun, which I would have taken them to but he was absolutely having none of it. We got home and he just retreated to the office, then spent some time in the bedroom. He usually takes our oldest to bed but when we asked her tonight if she'd rather stay with me- she said she wanted to stay with me.

Both my kids are extremely attached to me. They love their dad but I fear if he continues to act like this and retreat, they will pick up on it. He just has no patience for them, especially when we are out. But even at home, he just retreats. It's been getting worse since the start of the year.

I'm not sure how to get him out of this particular funk. I try to make him happy but he's never happy. My kids seem like happy kids but my oldest has said stuff like ' I don't want dad to pick me up, I just want you to pick me up '.. I know kids say this kind of stuff but I'm worried if he keeps retreating / not having fun with them, they'll notice.

He has zero desire to do anything with them. That's how it seems anyway. And if we do take them somewhere ' just for them ' he wants to run away at the first opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 09:52

What a miserable way to spend your weekend.
I’d tell him you’ve noticed he’s irritable and the kids seem to be getting on his nerves, you’ve asked him if he’s ok and he snaps. So for a few weeks you’re going to give him a break, you’ll take the kids out for the next 2/3 weekends to give him time to think about everything.

Honestly, I feel like I already live my entire life, trying to give him a break and it has not worked so far. Most decisions I make are based on trying to get him to cheer the fuck up and it just doesn't work. He's had loads of time to himself the last few weeks. It seems to make it worse, if anything.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 09/02/2025 09:59

Well you're clearly not enjoying this half life, why would you it sounds rubbish. He won't address his issues (whether that's depression, laziness, unhappy at work, checked out of the relationship) so you need to address yours. You are unhappy and this is no way to live. You are missing out on all the childhood joy with your kids. Tell him you are unhappy and he either needs to step up or step out. Make it clear that you want engagement at weekends, child centred activities, date nights, a partnership....whatever you want your life to look like. Make it clear that if he thinks he can't provide this then it is only fair to let you know so you can get on with living your life without him.

VeryDeepEverything · 09/02/2025 10:01

What was he about when you met? What gave him joy then?

Sounds like he's on a treadmill mentally and you giving him breaks doesn't help cos fundamentally that's just a pause on the grind rather than actively refilling his cup?

Agree that you need to live as best you can alongside this, but I'd be sad to see my DH like this and would want to get to the root cause.

Having been in low places myself in life, sometimes it didn't take an awful lot to allow me to feel myself again, but, if I am in a situation where I have no outlet for doing what makes me myself then I feel it.

LizzieSiddal · 09/02/2025 10:03

kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 09:52

What a miserable way to spend your weekend.
I’d tell him you’ve noticed he’s irritable and the kids seem to be getting on his nerves, you’ve asked him if he’s ok and he snaps. So for a few weeks you’re going to give him a break, you’ll take the kids out for the next 2/3 weekends to give him time to think about everything.

Honestly, I feel like I already live my entire life, trying to give him a break and it has not worked so far. Most decisions I make are based on trying to get him to cheer the fuck up and it just doesn't work. He's had loads of time to himself the last few weeks. It seems to make it worse, if anything.

Ok but what about the second part of my post where I said you give him an ultimatum?

“However after all that time he’s been given to think, you really do expect him to have some sort of plan. Will he be joining in 50/50 at the weekends and stopping being so miserable? Will he have decided married life isn’t for him and he wants to leave? Will he have decided he will seek help form the Dr/counselling.”

You’re at the stage where only giving him an ultimatum will change anything. If you don’t want change then just carry on as you are, which is miserable.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 10:07

He is a selfish, miserable, disengaged twat. It sounds partially his nature, based on his miserable-as-sin family.

Honestly, he’s showing no signs of change so fuck him off. He’s ruining both yours and your children’s lives.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/02/2025 10:08

You both work full time so its unfair he leaves all the parenting stuff to you. Maybe he should have thought about this before having kids.
It could be depression but if he won't help himself how can anyone else?

Davros · 09/02/2025 10:13

@Twaddlepip has got it right. Even if it is depression, it sounds like he's been depressed his whole life so it's more likely his personality and ingrained behaviour. Either way, he should do something about it. I think you should stop fussing around him and trying to make it better, it hasn't worked, and carry on doing things with the kids alone as much as possible. Ultimately you might realise that it works better without him involved. Good luck

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 10:17

kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 09:48

He's like this on and off. This latest episode has lasted since the beginning of the year.

He's never been a happy go lucky kind of guy. I mistakenly thought it was because he was in transitions in life but actually I do think it's his personality too.

He's very negative. He's never excited about anything really. His family are the same. They never have a nice word to say about anything really. You invite them to your new house and they can barely even say it's nice.

He hates his work but he also won't change it. It's a dead end. If I come up with things he could change about his work, he doesn't want to hear it and apparently I don't get it anyway. I have said he can leave his job and we will manage but he just won't do it.

We met quite young, we were only 22, leaving uni. He had a lot of job rejections and didn't really know what he actually wanted to do anyways. He didn't handle that well at all. Then he got into something and he just hates it. But he's quite successful.

Anyway, like I said- he won't leave the thing he hates. He has no patience for the kids really, especially lately.

Everything is an effort. If I talk about a family holiday or trip and what does he want to do this year, he gets annoyed - it will be rubbish anyway because the kids are too young. I then suggest we will just stay home but that's not right either.

To be honest he's always been a bit of a squasher of dreams. I really wanted to find a life outside the UK when we graduated but he just always blocked it - he thinks I am ' all talk ' when I have dreams and it's kind of soul destroying to live with that constantly. You need to talk about dreams at first to then start planning to make them a reality, he doesn't get that.

He recently thought that getting a huge purchase for himself would be the key to unlocking his unhappiness, but now the novelty has worn off, he's miserable again. Moaping around in his dressing gown, smoking one cigarette after another outside in the rain.

Honestly his whole being is so unattractive to me. He's just not a happy person. He's a good looking, successful man. He's not gross in any way, he dresses really well, but his entire being is just so negative.

I get pissed off and have a go at him about his demeanour sometimes, because I'm so sick of it.

Show quote history

You can't live like this. What would he do if you gave him an ultimatum? He either stops taking things out on your and the children and starts behaving like a proper dad or you separate. He has just withdrawn from family life and left you to do everything. That is totally unacceptable.

pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 10:22

You must be still quite young. I would get out and leave him to his misery. Life is hard enough without dragging a man like thst around.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 09/02/2025 10:26

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StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 10:34

Live your life without involving him. Go out at the weekends and do the things you want to do without him. He’ll either decide he wants to be involved in family life or not. If not, then there’s a decision to be made about your marriage.

thescandalwascontained · 09/02/2025 10:39

kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 09:48

He's like this on and off. This latest episode has lasted since the beginning of the year.

He's never been a happy go lucky kind of guy. I mistakenly thought it was because he was in transitions in life but actually I do think it's his personality too.

He's very negative. He's never excited about anything really. His family are the same. They never have a nice word to say about anything really. You invite them to your new house and they can barely even say it's nice.

He hates his work but he also won't change it. It's a dead end. If I come up with things he could change about his work, he doesn't want to hear it and apparently I don't get it anyway. I have said he can leave his job and we will manage but he just won't do it.

We met quite young, we were only 22, leaving uni. He had a lot of job rejections and didn't really know what he actually wanted to do anyways. He didn't handle that well at all. Then he got into something and he just hates it. But he's quite successful.

Anyway, like I said- he won't leave the thing he hates. He has no patience for the kids really, especially lately.

Everything is an effort. If I talk about a family holiday or trip and what does he want to do this year, he gets annoyed - it will be rubbish anyway because the kids are too young. I then suggest we will just stay home but that's not right either.

To be honest he's always been a bit of a squasher of dreams. I really wanted to find a life outside the UK when we graduated but he just always blocked it - he thinks I am ' all talk ' when I have dreams and it's kind of soul destroying to live with that constantly. You need to talk about dreams at first to then start planning to make them a reality, he doesn't get that.

He recently thought that getting a huge purchase for himself would be the key to unlocking his unhappiness, but now the novelty has worn off, he's miserable again. Moaping around in his dressing gown, smoking one cigarette after another outside in the rain.

Honestly his whole being is so unattractive to me. He's just not a happy person. He's a good looking, successful man. He's not gross in any way, he dresses really well, but his entire being is just so negative.

I get pissed off and have a go at him about his demeanour sometimes, because I'm so sick of it.

Show quote history

Honestly? I'd be done.

He's clearly not willing to help himself while you carry the load. You, too, work full time AND do all the heavy lifting at home by the sound of it. If you ask him to do something (his share!), you're 'breaking his balls'? Um, fuck that .

I wouldn't want my children to grow up with such a miserably unhappy parent in the home that you all have to walk on eggshells around. You need joy in your lives, and you won't have that with him refusing to help himself and forcing you to just sit there and accept this behaviour from him.

Original poster
kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 10:40

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 10:34

Live your life without involving him. Go out at the weekends and do the things you want to do without him. He’ll either decide he wants to be involved in family life or not. If not, then there’s a decision to be made about your marriage.

I do that but sometimes he wants to come and the absolutely ruins it with his attitude.

He's so keen to get back home, he won't let the kids have fun. He just doesn't think of them first.

I want my kids to have fun! We don't see them a lot during the week. At least at the weekend I want to take them places and make it about them. They get so excited. It's so easy to make them happy, to create a bit of magic for them. To let them have one more ride on the little car outside the supermarket, to take them to the soft play / play ground they love/ to take them to a museum / sightseeing etc. he gets really bored / tired / stressed doing things like that. He wants to drag them to stuff he wants to do - like explore a new restaurant an hour away or go to a furniture shop 1.5 hours away. That's fine, we can do that - but let your kids run around on a playground too on a day they've spend 1.5 hours in the car to visit a furniture shop. If you see a pond on the way with ducks etc, you stop and let them have a wonder around - if there's a field with some animals and you can safely stop- let them look.

I am always thinking how to create a bit of magic for them and he doesn't think like that at all. He just wants to do what he wants to do and then come back home immediately, retreat to his man cave and that's that.

OP posts:
rugrets · 09/02/2025 10:46

I was married to someone like this. It was exhausting at first never knowing which version of him I'd get (in terms of the short bursts of happiness and the "old" him) and then it just became constant weariness that I'd be looking at his face looking like a slapped arse. Kids got on his nerves - 3 including twins - he isolated himself from us - only happy when doing what he wanted when he wanted. After spending a week of the school holidays parenting he threw the towel in - and his toys out of the pram - and left. It's a relief OP I can tell you not having to deal with the constant negative atmosphere in the house. He was happy for a time ....now's he miserable again and I couldn't care less. Get rid of him OP he will only continue to drag you and the children down x

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 10:51

kiddiedad · 09/02/2025 10:40

I do that but sometimes he wants to come and the absolutely ruins it with his attitude.

He's so keen to get back home, he won't let the kids have fun. He just doesn't think of them first.

I want my kids to have fun! We don't see them a lot during the week. At least at the weekend I want to take them places and make it about them. They get so excited. It's so easy to make them happy, to create a bit of magic for them. To let them have one more ride on the little car outside the supermarket, to take them to the soft play / play ground they love/ to take them to a museum / sightseeing etc. he gets really bored / tired / stressed doing things like that. He wants to drag them to stuff he wants to do - like explore a new restaurant an hour away or go to a furniture shop 1.5 hours away. That's fine, we can do that - but let your kids run around on a playground too on a day they've spend 1.5 hours in the car to visit a furniture shop. If you see a pond on the way with ducks etc, you stop and let them have a wonder around - if there's a field with some animals and you can safely stop- let them look.

I am always thinking how to create a bit of magic for them and he doesn't think like that at all. He just wants to do what he wants to do and then come back home immediately, retreat to his man cave and that's that.

Show quote history

Then you leave him at home. Tell him straight, “We’re going without you because you’ll have a face like a spanked arse all day and ruin it for everyone else”. Let him sit at home and reflect on the consequences of his actions.

Truetoself · 09/02/2025 10:56

I am not often in the camp of LTB- but it seems that tou have trued to fix what's broken and he is not open to the idea. Are you in the position to give an ultimatum? If he won't agree to marriage counseling then you are off?

Ppzd · 09/02/2025 10:58

I'm not sure how to get him out of this particular funk. I try to make him happy but he's never happy.

Can I just start by saying that it is NOT YOUR JOB to make him happy! It's his, and his only. He needs to sort himself out (therapy, hobbies, exercise, better diet, introspection...) but it is not yours to fix!
Personally, I'd do things by myself with the kids, without him. I'd drop him off at home after the pub and go to soft play/whatever with the kids. Meet with friends, kids' friends, classes etc. without the moody fucker.
Then I'd try and talk to him calmly saying that it's OK to feel down, depressed etc but it's not ok to make everyone else pay for it. Tell him he needs to find ways to make his life happier but also make more effort with you and the kids so your family life is happier.

gianfrancogorgonzola · 09/02/2025 10:59

Can you remember why you began the relationship and decided to marry him? Are those qualities still there, at all?

It sounds like the relationship has run its course tbh. Would he be shocked if you asked him to leave or accepting?

CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 11:04

@User67556 why did you tell the OP to get a job? What the heck's that got to do with it. Very presumptuous of you

ValerieDoonican · 09/02/2025 11:05

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 10:51

Then you leave him at home. Tell him straight, “We’re going without you because you’ll have a face like a spanked arse all day and ruin it for everyone else”. Let him sit at home and reflect on the consequences of his actions.

Show quote history

👏👏👏

Turquoisesea · 09/02/2025 11:07

I would just sit him down and tell him his negativity is ruining family life. He is expecting to just carry on doing the things he enjoyed pre children with no concern for anyone else’s feelings. He has to compromise and it sounds like he’s unwilling to do that. I would tell him from now on you are going to do things with the children by yourself as it’s unfair for him to come along and ruin things for everyone every single time. Tell him he can only come if he decides to be an adult and put the children’s needs first for once. The only thing is if you divorced him your poor kids would have to spend every other weekend with him without you there to smooth things over. He’s got a lot to be thankful for, a wife, a good job, children. Sounds like he needs a reality check and start counting his blessings instead of his miseries!

CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 11:07

Honestly his whole being is so unattractive to me. He's just not a happy person. He's a good looking, successful man. He's not gross in any way, he dresses really well, but his entire being is just so negative - OP I couldn't be with someone like this he sounds like a miserable sod and it's affecting your whole family

ValerieDoonican · 09/02/2025 11:08

That posted a bit weird. This wasthe bit I was applauding: Tell him straight, “We’re going without you because you’ll have a face like a spanked arse all day and ruin it for everyone else”.

Because he has no right to ruin everone else's fun.

User67556 · 09/02/2025 11:12

CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 11:04

@User67556 why did you tell the OP to get a job? What the heck's that got to do with it. Very presumptuous of you

Because it read as though she was a SAHM and my thoughts are she needs her own financial independence if they split and also because he is clearly feeling some sort of pressure and maybe needs some contribution financially to the household. Turns out she does work so 🤷‍♀️

soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 11:15

He sounds like a dementor, sucking the joy and life out of everything and everyone around him.

Leave.

This is the best it's going to get and it's fucking awful.