To be upset that DP doesn't want to come on family trip

[Pinkdreams]

My family are all getting together next month, we have a big family from england, Ireland and wales. We have rented some caravans at haven. My DD is 10 months and will be her first time away, I asked my partner to come but he is unable to take annual leave during this time, there's only two shifts he would miss out on it would be possible to find cover if he asked but he is saying he doesn't want to. It's one of them, if he wanted to, he would. I feel rather sad as it's our DD first time away and I feel like family time is important, aibu to be upset by this?

Maybe he doesn’t want to use up favours at work to go on an extremely last minute caravan trip in the UK in March, which is really just an extended family reunion for you.

My DP comes from a big family (his mum is one of 7) and they are all lovely people, I enjoy an afternoon BBQ but I really couldn't cope with a haven caravan holiday. Given the weather in march it's likely you will be stuck in a caravan a lot of the time, I would find it claustrophobic.

This seems like a great use of your maternity leave, but it would be a terrible waste of his annual leave/the limited favours he can call in to switch shifts.

I think I'd volunteer to work more if my husband told me I was expected to go to caravans at Haven with his entire family.

Not everyone likes these big gatherings.

YANBU to be feeling upset. I’m guessing he hasn’t exactly been champing at the bit to think of holiday ideas for you as a family even if he doesn’t personally fancy a Haven in March. It’s obvious you want to go on this trip (even if it’s not other posters’ cup of tea and some are being quite sneery about it) and sometimes being a parent and a good partner means doing things to support your partner’s family connections. He has a family now and sometimes being a grown up parent involves recognising than his time might not be all his to freely choose how to spend it in the same way as when he was single or had no kids. I’m also guessing that you’re probably on maternity leave / looking after the baby most of the time and would fancy a break with the chance to have some others around you to help with the baby. I too would be upset if my husband wasn’t prepared to put himself out a little bit so that I could do something important to me.

Same. I despise caravan park holidays, we went on loads as a family for years and now my answer is a flat out no thank you. Not even if someone else is paying.

Yeah this, really.

Your family can’t have been expecting everyone to be able to make it if it was last minute and they didn’t even let you know before they booked it?

Are you genuinely being realistic about him swapping shifts? Swaps, especially at short notice, often use up a lot of "goodwill" with coworkers. Most people save them for when they are really, really needed.

He’s not stopping her from going!

of course he’s not - but she would like him to be there with them as they are a family. It’s understandable to feel upset if he’s effectively saying he doesn’t fancy it.

In his shoes I'd be annoyed that your family just booked and assumed without any discussion, also March and on a caravan site? No thanks and I love big family holidays, but you couldn't pay me to go to Haven/Butlins etc, especially for a wet weekend.

Thankyou I feel like you're the only person who understands! Usually I wouldn't go but I am on maternity leave, my partner works a lot and long hours so I am alone most of the time, DD is teething so been grumpy for weeks, my grandma who has had health issues is coming and I haven't seen her since DD was born and like you say it's actually a break having everyone entertain DD , what used to sound like hell to me actually now sounds like heaven

A caravan stay with a large extended family-in-law in March... that sounds like a lot. Getting along and liking your parents and other family members in other settings doesn't mean that this sort of trip doesn't sound more like torture than a fun break. I have a giant, noisy extended family and I love them and enjoy smaller visits, but I'm an introvert and multi-day full-family events are still something that I honestly dread and find utterly exhausting. I go to at least part when I can because they're my family, but I absolutely understand on the occasions when my DH and DC want to opt out, and I've gotten comfortable myself going for only portions and leaving before I'm miserable.

I feel rather sad as it's our DD first time away and I feel like family time is important
This is completely unfair. Your DH hasn't gotten any say in this trip - he could just as easily turn your statement around and say that he's upset because your DD's first time away and family time are important so it should be a trip the two of you plan together not something you let your extended family take over and dictate.

If the site is close enough and there's a day he isn't scheduled to work then perhaps ask if he'd be willing to come for a visit then leave. Otherwise I think you need to be ok with it.

To be rude. I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than do a big family haven holiday with my in-laws. Do you even have your own caravan or are you sharing? If you’re sharing you can add pins in eyes to the shit clap.

Nothing against haven either Will and do happily take the children. But as a big shared family trip nope nope nope. Just the logistics of all having to meet up for certain things and well if your going to pool hey wait for us and we will go too. Oh but we can’t all book the same time. Let’s move yours.

You think he does. He might actually hate em.

Surpriseeee, you've only replied to the one person that agreed with you lol.

It sounds like it would be an awful way to spend annual leave, it was booked before anyone even bothered to ask whether he could go or wanted to go and he has decided he doesn't want to or can't go.

Go spend some time with your family and leave him to it.

I just feel… if the reasonableness of the ask of “joining in with a family trip where you really want him to be there” turns on whether it’s a Haven in a wet English spring or an all-expenses-paid to St Lucia, then does he really get to decide when the conditions are pleasant enough to merit gracing you with his presence?! It shouldn’t matter what the holiday is! It should be enough for him that you want to spend the time together as a family. Sorry that he’s not prepared to do it. There’s another thread in AIBU about a man being a miserable mood-hoover on family days out and posters are falling over themselves to try to justify his response. This feels similar. What else might he decide he doesn’t want to do because he doesn’t fancy it, even though it’s important to someone else. Go on the trip OP, have a lovely time, but bear in mind that a lot of men are really crap at “kin-keeping” / maintaining family connections and expect the woman to do it all, and it already sounds like this sort of thing isn’t going to be important enough for him to bother with and will fall to you.

I don't think he is being unreasonable tbh that's two days of precious time off that firstly he wasn't consulted about and secondly doesn't sound like there's much in it for himself at all.
Just go with DD, enjoy your catch up with extended family and he can have a little break at home between shifts and maybe you can ask him to think about planning your own little holiday later in the year just the three of you.

YABU

He probably doesn't want to go away with someone else's family. I completely understand why he wouldn't want to.

It should be enough for him that you want to spend the time together as a family

Nope. Of course it matters what the trip is, and accusing him of not caring about spending time with her and the baby because he doesn't want to go on this specific trip with OP's large extended family booked last minute without asking is emotionally manipulative. This trip is not the only way to spend time as a family.

My DH loves fishing, as does his family. I absolutely loath it. If he demanded I use my holiday time to go sit in a fishing boat for days and then accused me of not caring about our family time when I said no I would tell him to fuck right off. Family time is something that belongs to both of us and we make decisions about it together based on what we both want.

Claiming that one (and only one) person's preferences are irrelevant is not ok. OP's DH should absolutely have at least an equal say in how his time off work is spent.

I'd sooner stab myself with sharp pencils

It sounds like he is pretty lukewarm about the holiday and doesn't want to call in favours by swapping shifts for it.

I get that, I am thinking of ducking out midway through week's holidays with DH relatives. I like them, but not sure I want to use up 6 days of precious leave ( Fri to Fri) for it.

Book your own nuclear family holiday, I bet he wants to come to that.

OP, what suggestions does he come up with for how he spends his annual leave / has family time with you and the baby? What ideas has he initiated?

A caravan holiday with all my inlaws and then back to work to work double shifts to make up the time, no OP that would be a hard pass from me as well.