Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take up a job offer even if it risks my relationship

40 replies

Woodenbeams · 08/02/2025 19:27

I’m late 40’s. DP is the same age.

I have grown up kids. Dp’s are school age.

we live south east, but I’ve been offered a great job in Edinburgh. It’s everything I’ve wanted job wise and have always wanted to live in Edinburgh.

i would do it for a couple of years before moving back. But will this jeopardise my relationship? We would have to be long distance- his career is in London and he couldn’t move his DC as he shares custody.

we haven’t been together that long, but our relationship is the best I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to mess it up, but I also want to get everything out of my career after having it on a back burner while raising kids.

i feel like this is my time to achieve some work related goals. I worry about letting my career slide for a relationship that could always end ( divorce has made me very cynical)

But I think this relationship is very special ( as is DP). He is willing to try and make it work, but I don’t think either of us can guarantee it will

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 08/02/2025 19:31

Do it! What’s fir ye will nae go by ye.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/02/2025 19:35

Job over relationship every time. He won’t pay your rent. If he’s a keeper you can make it work. Never ever compromise a life goal because you are worried about a relationship. No relationship is worth derailing your life for.

Onlyvisiting · 08/02/2025 19:37

I'd say go for it. If he has school age kids then a distant relationship until they are older will probably work best for them anyway.

Runningoutofthyme · 08/02/2025 19:39

Might not work out if you didn’t take the job

so my advice would be do it!

sonjadog · 08/02/2025 19:42

I did something not dissimilar. It ended my relationship which I was very sad about and which probably wouldn't have happened if I had stayed where I was. But I would still have done it, no doubt about that. While I was very happy in my relationship, there were other parts of my life that weren't working for me any more and I have had the chance for huge personal growth by moving and taking the new job. I wouldn't be without that.

Bloom15 · 08/02/2025 19:44

I am rather unambitious and definitely work to live rather than the other way around. But if that isn't you and you want to make the jump then do it.

Dweetfidilove · 08/02/2025 19:45

Based on the OP, I'd say go for it!

roses2 · 08/02/2025 19:46

It's close enough to fly back week ends once a month or so. As previous posted said with school age kids it might be good to take it easy relatio ship wise for awhile anyhow.

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/02/2025 19:47

Is your partner on board with this? It will make a bit difference.
I've seen it work many times, so I think you should definitely go for it! Particularly if you're happy for it to be for a couple of years.

Icepinkeskimo · 08/02/2025 19:52

Go for it absolutely, grab this opportunity with both hands.
It is always better to look back on your life and remember the things you’ve done, rather than the things you’ve denied yourself.

Bushmillsbabe · 08/02/2025 20:00

You could fly back once a month, and DP could visit when he doesn't have his children. Could definitely make it work if the commitment is there

Original poster
Woodenbeams · 08/02/2025 20:11

Runningoutofthyme · 08/02/2025 19:39

Might not work out if you didn’t take the job

so my advice would be do it!

This is very true. There are no guarantees that things will work long term.

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 08/02/2025 20:16

Take the job if he’s a keeper and a good one you can make it work. The trains are available absence makes the heart grow fonder put your career first always

Original poster
Woodenbeams · 08/02/2025 20:17

@roses2 @Bushmillsbabe do you think once a month is enough? I think I would be ok with it, but will need to ask DP.

I think I’d not think twice if we’d been together longer.

@sonjadog your perspective is very interesting. I’m just hesitant- many of my former relationships I wouldn’t have thought twice about leaving. It’s just so good to finally have met a good one, I don’t want to damage it.

OP posts:
Lollapaloozalondon · 08/02/2025 20:19

Job over relationship always. It's genuinely true that when you love yourself and nourish your goals etc love comes and stays with you. If it's meant to be with your partner it'll naturally work and won't be complicated. People work away all the time, army soldiers etc and things work. Equally if it doesn't you'll be so happy in your new job that you won't be affected by it too much so it's a win win.

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2025 20:23

Now is the time to start prioritizing your pension. If that means moving and risking a relatively new relationship, then move.

As someone in her 50s, I can not emphasize that enough. I can see the finish line and I should be ok because I have been saving diligently, but every year is getting harder. Not all of us are blessed with excellent health as long as we hope.

Bushmillsbabe · 08/02/2025 20:25

Woodenbeams · 08/02/2025 20:17

@roses2 @Bushmillsbabe do you think once a month is enough? I think I would be ok with it, but will need to ask DP.

I think I’d not think twice if we’d been together longer.

@sonjadog your perspective is very interesting. I’m just hesitant- many of my former relationships I wouldn’t have thought twice about leaving. It’s just so good to finally have met a good one, I don’t want to damage it.

It would hopefully be twice a month if he came to visit you once too. Longer trips when you or he has annual leave.
Lots of video calls, and he could bring the children to visit in the school holidays (if you are at the child meeting stage).

If the commitment is thete on both sides you will make it work. If it isn't, then it's not worth prioritising it over your dream job anyway

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/02/2025 20:26

It's Edinburgh, easy to get to from London. Overnight trains, fast trains, flights. Go for it.

StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 20:27

Job over a short term relationship every time.

tidyhousetidymind · 08/02/2025 20:28

Bloom15 · 08/02/2025 19:44

I am rather unambitious and definitely work to live rather than the other way around. But if that isn't you and you want to make the jump then do it.

Me too, family is everything, I'd never put a job first.

Beachcomber · 08/02/2025 20:32

I'm from Edinburgh. Don't live there now sadly but I would jump at a good work opportunity there. It's a fantastic place to live and work in.

Marine30 · 08/02/2025 20:33

Sounds like you’ve worked long and hard for this job OP. Go for it. A good relationship can survive and adapt to new situations. DP sounds like he’s onboard so go for it.

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 20:34

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/02/2025 19:35

Job over relationship every time. He won’t pay your rent. If he’s a keeper you can make it work. Never ever compromise a life goal because you are worried about a relationship. No relationship is worth derailing your life for.

Absolutely his. At your age you must prioritize career and money.

tidyhousetidymind · 08/02/2025 20:37

Like so many other words or sayings there's more to it than just the few words that all of us know and revere in this case the complete saying is. “absence makes the heart grow fonder too much absence the heart will wander”
In other words out of sight out of mind.

BookASpaceCadets · 08/02/2025 20:41

Does the job have any flexibility for working from home/compressed hours - flight time to London is about 1.5 hours I think, if you could compress hours to have a long weekend every month, and work from home a day or two when he visits, or you visit him I can easily see it working if you both want it too!