Was I unreasonable for changing my mind?

[ElsaLion]

Today, me and my husband took our daughter to a school open day. Because our son is only 2.5, we had decided the day would be too long for him, so had arranged for my mother (who lives nearby) to come round and look after him for the time we were out.

I should pretext this by saying every time my mother babysits/looks after our children (very infrequently), she has always been extremely demanding and we have to go to great lengths to set everything up/get everything out and prepared. She doesn’t even want to find food in our cupboards or fridge, everything has to be laid out beforehand and prepared by ourselves. She also refuses to assemble the pram for our youngest, so we have to do this as well. In the past she has brought the pram home, covered in mud and dragged it all over the floor and carpets.

For this visit, she had insisted that the pram be set up in order to take our son out. Overnight, we had a lot of rain and this morning it was very muddy and wet everywhere. We therefore decided it wasn’t the best weather for the pram to be used, so left it in the cupboard. On arriving, she demanded that we set up the pram, and when I refused, started screaming abuse at me, accusing me of being ungrateful, of disrespecting her wishes. I explained my reasons for not setting it up and said that she could take our son for a walk in his wellies instead, but she continued to shout at me (all in the presence of my children, who by now we’re getting upset). She then threatened to leave unless I set the pram up, at which point I welcomed her to leave and said we’d manage with the children on our own. Only when she realised her threats were futile, did she stop screaming at me, but continued to accuse me of being selfish and ungrateful. By now we were late leaving, our son was very upset, and my mother just stormed off into the next room and left me to comfort my children.

Perhaps I’m overplaying an insignificant situation, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and found the whole incident deeply upsetting. Was I unreasonable for refusing my mum’s request?

Your mother sounds very odd to me. Has she always been prone to get very upset over odd things or things not being done exactly as she demands? Is she anxious about looking after a toddler?

Jesus wept, no one needs this much grief for a simple favour. I'd have told her to fuck off out my house! Why are you allowing her to scream at you in your own home!?
I know it's hard when you might need help with childcare but I'd exhaust every bloody avenue possible before I'd ever ask her again. I'd rather miss something than ask her. I'd just cut her out as a possible option.
Deal with her as little as possible and ask her no favours .

I think you're unreasonable to put up with another adult screaming at you. You deserve more respect than that. I'd rework the relationship. Ask her to leave immediately of r walk away if she starts screaming. It's not okay.

I wouldn’t leave this unstable woman with my kids . Make other arrangements or take them with you.

How many children are we actually talking about? If it's one or two, it's more of an issue she got stressed, but if we're talking about 5 under 6, it's hardly surprising that she wasn't prepared to deal with all of them on foot or leaving them unsupervised whilst searching cupboards for food.

OP states quite clearly it’s one child aged 2.5.

I wouldn't leave your children with someone this unstable.

@2025ishere I think it’s more down to me being her only child, and until a couple of years ago we were quite reliant on her at times for lifts etc as we didn’t have a car. Thankfully that’s now changed, but she became used to demanding whatever she needed, and we little choice but to oblige. She’s also the only relative who lives nearby, so anytime we’ve needed help, she’s been the only person to whom we can turn.

@RickiRaccoon Thank you, I’m glad that I called her out on the threats to leave earlier.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Just our son, our daughter was attending the open day with us.

Do you not use the pram at all when it’s raining? Maybe your mum feels more comfortable child in a pram over the child walking? No need for shouting from her though

The OP has advised it was 1 child of 2.5 years.

Her behaviour is awful. But before it happened, I would've just set up the pram. She asked you to. Perhaps she feels extremely nervous and not able to keep your son safe if he's walking about outside.

She was obviously wrong for shouting.

I don't think she is unreasonable for anything else you mentioned (and you are). If she is helping you out and is simply asking that you get food and pram sorted, then it's the minimum you can do.
And I'm not sure why you trying to control whether she uses the pram or not? or what the rain has to do with it!

@Coconutter24 We often use the pram in wet/muddy weather, but from past experience my mother has sometimes shown a general lack of respect and care for our home. As I said in my OP, she's often returned the pram in a muddy state and dragged the mud all over our carpets etc, despite when she's agreed to put a towel down before bringing it inside.

I wouldn't leave my children with someone that unhinged!

That's not insignificant at all. If anyone acted like that in front if my children I would never leave my children alone with them.

YANBU. It sounds like there is something MH wise going on. She wants to be the hands on granny in theory (and more importantly tell everyone how hands on she is) but cannot cope with the stress of it. For now I don't think she should be alone with a child maybe keep it to brief visits only. She sounds awful screaming like that, was she always abusive and difficult? Perhaps that's why you are an only child, maybe she couldn't cope and it's brought it all back. If this irrational behaviour is uncharacteristic then I would be looking at supporting her to explore MH issues while keeping your kids well away.

YANBU, OP.

Putting something down on the floor is such an easy (and sensible) thing to do: the fact that she doesn’t despite being asked sounds like a real 2 fingers to you. That, and the screaming today tells me that she doesn’t respect you.

I would be having a word about your boundaries and saying if she doesn’t like them, she knows where the door is.

It sounds like your mum acted true to form. You need to work on other ways if managing child care etc.

The carpet comment makes me think maybe you are a bit highly strung for doing favours for?

Please please read the book

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

your eyes will open.

next time please don’t let your mum’s tantrum get you dancing round her and affecting you all. Shoo her back home. She would be very manipulative to your son after that display and that’s a terrible influence to leave with him.

Your mum sounds an absolute nightmare. Think you urgently need to start looking into alternative childcare. The extra expense will be more than made up for by the reduction in stress. And your kids will be in the care of a calm professional, not someone who is shouting and frightening them.

That way when your mum does spend time with the children, it will be on your terms- that she behaves in a civilised manner.

Christ don't leave your dc with her at all. She sounds like a nightmare

Pay for childcare or take him with you

She sounds like a nightmare. I'd have propelled her out of the door and told her to go home.

She shouldn't be trusted to look after your children, even once in a blue moon.

Thank you everyone, you've given me/us a lot to consider. I think perhaps we had grown so used to the demands and disregard for our home that we weren't prepared to challenge it. I think arranging different childcare/babysitting will be the way to go in future, because I honestly don't want my children I to witness such an awful conversation again.

I know you challenged her and told her you'd manage them both (at which point she started to back down)
Did you end up taking him or leaving him there?