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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel relieved

30 replies

Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 18:50

i have a child with my ex boyfriend. He left when child was 3 and went on to marry someone 12 years younger than him (after never wanting to marry) and has 2 children with her. Recently I stopped him from seeing my child, probably not in the most orthodox way but I was so upset seeing my son go there every other weekend and coming home upset because his father is a completely different man with his new family and my son (now 8) can see the difference that was made between me and his now wife and between my son and his two younger half siblings. I got a message from ex today saying he is not going to seek regular contact from here on in. My son hasn’t seen him in weeks and doesn’t care, I’m relieved I never have to deal with him again. I’m just worried about the long term implications on my son?

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 08/02/2025 18:55

Yes, I'd be worried too.

I’m relieved I never have to deal with him again.

You're assuming far too much at this very early stage.

Your son is only 8 and may well change his mind.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/02/2025 18:59

I don’t blame you. I never understand people pushing for their children to have a relationship with the other parent when they’re clearly so awful. Being rejected hurts, but it’s unavoidable and probably better for your son to just get on without his dad rather than have to endure years of being treated as second best. Sometimes a clean break is in the child’s best interests.

Original poster
Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 19:01

To be fair my son seems relieved to. There were so many weeks he didn’t want to go to his dads, and I don’t blame him. My ex gave up so much to be with his wife, things I begged him to give up and he wouldn’t which made me feel like shit at the start and still does sometimes but the fact he can do that on his own flesh and blood?? How does a child cope with that? Ex is besotted with his wife it’s embarrassing and I feel like they’ve pushed my son out anyway which is so sad for him.

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 08/02/2025 19:11

This isn't about you and your feelings though, it's about your son and his dad. You stopped a father from seeing his son and he has now said he won't seek regular contact (perhaps because of the negativity?). He will always be the little boy's dad and it's a shame you can't be the bigger person for the sake of this relationship. My grandchild had the same - dad with new wife and 2 children - and they struggled to find where they belonged but Mum (even though she couldn't stand the new set up) persevered with monthly visits and now, at 16, it seems to be ok (however, once they're driving it might be a different story but that will be child's decision!)

Original poster
Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 19:13

But then how do I manage my son being upset every single time he comes home from his dads?

OP posts:
paddingtoncoffee · 08/02/2025 19:21

My son still loves going to his dads, but I absolutely lnow that I would take his feedback as a 9year old seriously - sounds like you're doing the same for now

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 19:23

Sorry but this sounds wrong you stopping your son from seeing his dad. How are going to explain that in the future if he wants to see him again and his dad explains that you stopped him?
You are not giving him chance to allow your son to be part of his family, I understand you are hurt he met someone new and has created a family with them, but your shouldn't let your feelings stop your son from having a relationship with his dad. He probably feels uncomfortable knowing you will be upset if he has fun with his half siblings and seeing his dad.

Original poster
Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 19:58

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 19:23

Sorry but this sounds wrong you stopping your son from seeing his dad. How are going to explain that in the future if he wants to see him again and his dad explains that you stopped him?
You are not giving him chance to allow your son to be part of his family, I understand you are hurt he met someone new and has created a family with them, but your shouldn't let your feelings stop your son from having a relationship with his dad. He probably feels uncomfortable knowing you will be upset if he has fun with his half siblings and seeing his dad.

He doesn’t have fun though. He comes home upset and it takes a few days for him to come around again. Granted he knows things are far from amicable between me and his father and even less so with that woman he married but I hate the way they make my son feel. I’m afraid either way. I’m afraid he’ll turn round in the future and asked me why I forced him to go when it made him feel the way he does

OP posts:
Fordian · 08/02/2025 20:03

My close friend had similar. H of decades walked out, leaving her with older teen DDs and a 10 year old DS.

It was agony for him, visits with his dad, as dad took him shopping for new bedding and toys for his new GFs sons, a little younger.

A holiday with dad, new GF, her two DSs where dad played perfect daddy to these boys, footy, chase, in and out the pool- ignoring his own DS.

He's never forgiven his dad and now, 27, is NC.

Original poster
Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 20:11

Fordian · 08/02/2025 20:03

My close friend had similar. H of decades walked out, leaving her with older teen DDs and a 10 year old DS.

It was agony for him, visits with his dad, as dad took him shopping for new bedding and toys for his new GFs sons, a little younger.

A holiday with dad, new GF, her two DSs where dad played perfect daddy to these boys, footy, chase, in and out the pool- ignoring his own DS.

He's never forgiven his dad and now, 27, is NC.

See this is my fear. He’s already noticed his dad goes on days out as a family with his family but never did with us

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 20:19

Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 19:58

He doesn’t have fun though. He comes home upset and it takes a few days for him to come around again. Granted he knows things are far from amicable between me and his father and even less so with that woman he married but I hate the way they make my son feel. I’m afraid either way. I’m afraid he’ll turn round in the future and asked me why I forced him to go when it made him feel the way he does

Show quote history

Why doesn't he have fun? How much contact does he have with dad and is he involved in their family days out?
He is old enough to understand the situation that you are not together, and it's ok for him to feel upset that he didn't experience the family days out with a mum and dad together like his half siblings have, but you should encourage him to think about the good days out you two might have had and to think about what fun he could be having with his dad and family. It doesn't have to be a negative that his dad has other children and this is the norm for many children these days.
I would also talk to dad to make sure that your son is involved in these trips and special days out.

Original poster
Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 20:27

@Moonnstars He only is with dad every other weekend and it hurts him going on these days out because he’s asking me why his dad never done this with us. He was only 3 when we split but says he remembers us arguing all the time literally because my ex had a separate life to me and son (mainly due to hobbies that he gave up when he met his wife). So I think he’s going to be upset either way because it’s not about the inclusion, it’s the fact his dad is a different person. When he was younger and going to their house he used to say to me about how his dad kissed his wife in the car at traffic lights etc and I’ll admit that hurt me because that’s not the man I knew at all and he knows this.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 20:33

Your sone would have been hurt either way @Blanketapproach. Going to his dad’s and seeing the prize he could have won EOW is painful. Being estranged from his dad will be painful. At least this way your son can start healing sooner, rather than as an adult when he would have probably gone LC/NC anyway.

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 20:58

Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 20:27

@Moonnstars He only is with dad every other weekend and it hurts him going on these days out because he’s asking me why his dad never done this with us. He was only 3 when we split but says he remembers us arguing all the time literally because my ex had a separate life to me and son (mainly due to hobbies that he gave up when he met his wife). So I think he’s going to be upset either way because it’s not about the inclusion, it’s the fact his dad is a different person. When he was younger and going to their house he used to say to me about how his dad kissed his wife in the car at traffic lights etc and I’ll admit that hurt me because that’s not the man I knew at all and he knows this.

Edited

Again this is all understandable feelings and perhaps this is where his dad needs to step in. Maybe it will be hurtful but he was unhappy in that relationship with you and has now found happiness. That sucks for you but there needs to be more reassurance for your son that both parents love him. Why does he only see dad every other weekend? This lack of contact doesn't help, and surely he should be seeing him weekly? Dad needs to step up here.

Endofyear · 08/02/2025 21:51

It does sound like some of your resentment has rubbed off on your son. If he was only 3 when you split, I highly doubt he has much memory of you being together and his dad not coming on days out etc. More likely that he has heard you talking about it and referring to his stepmother as 'that woman he married'. Can you talk to his dad about how he's feeling, that he feels left out with his dad's new family? I would do everything I could to encourage a good relationship with his dad and also with his half siblings.

Lifestooshort71 · 08/02/2025 22:03

Blanketapproach · 08/02/2025 20:27

@Moonnstars He only is with dad every other weekend and it hurts him going on these days out because he’s asking me why his dad never done this with us. He was only 3 when we split but says he remembers us arguing all the time literally because my ex had a separate life to me and son (mainly due to hobbies that he gave up when he met his wife). So I think he’s going to be upset either way because it’s not about the inclusion, it’s the fact his dad is a different person. When he was younger and going to their house he used to say to me about how his dad kissed his wife in the car at traffic lights etc and I’ll admit that hurt me because that’s not the man I knew at all and he knows this.

Edited

This will hurt and I'm sorry but it's important your son knows that his dad not having fun days out with the 3 of you wasn't because of the way he felt about his son but because of the way he felt about you. Sometimes parents are not meant to be together and are happier with other people but it doesn't mean your son can't be part of his dad's life. How would punishing your ex help? Can you put your hand on your heart and say that you've not encouraged him to be negative about his dad's new family? I know it's painful. My daughter went through it and never once criticised the lying cheating bastard to his son. I'm not as strong as her and refer to him as The Knob.

WonderfulUsername · 08/02/2025 22:14

Almost every post is about your (understandably) hurt feelings OP.

But for you son's sake, you need to separate them.

When my DC used to go and see my ex, they'd come back with various gripes etc (as I'm sure they griped to him about me).

But I had to handle it carefully so as not to make them biased in any way.

I could quite easily have said "Ahh there there love, that's awful, come and have a cuddle with mummy" over the slightest little thing, but that wouldn't have been fair on anyone.

I'm not saying you're doing this, I'm just asking you to check in your mind whether you are or not.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2025 15:04

The problem with this is, your ex may have only been seeing him out of duty, and might be relieved he's been given a let off. By you now refusing access, he will use that against you. When your son is older, ie teen and older, if he is angry that his df hasnt had contact with him, your ex will use the fact that you refused access, therefore blaming you. Likewise with family, he will absolutely make you the bad guy. Just be prepared for that.

Honeyroar · 09/02/2025 15:21

Sadly your relationship didn’t work. It wasn’t enough. That’s life. And it hurts. But that’s the way life goes. Not all relationships are good. And then sometimes you meet someone else in the future that it does work with. It might happen for you too in the future if you can let the past go. And your son will see that mummy loves/is loved by someone more than daddy. And you have to tell him that it’s life. We might have different families and partners, but he is still loved. Be a bigger person here, give your son a chance at a relationship with his dad too. Perhaps tell your ex that he is feeling a little at odds and perhaps needs a fuss/talk. But don’t let your feelings influence his and his relationship. He’s losing his dad and his siblings if you do, which is a shame.

Puppypower90 · 09/02/2025 15:25

I can't help but read your post and feel like you having sufficiently shielded your son from the emotional harm. He's likely picked up on the dynamic from both you and his dad.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/02/2025 15:28

He’s already noticed his dad goes on days out as a family with his family but never did with us

Children at 3 don’t have a concrete sense of time and chronology so it’s unlikely he remembers dad not going out as a family etc it’s more likely he’s heard you talking about it and says he remembers. He’ll be negotiating this relationship in one form or another his whole life and the more you can help him with that, the better for him.

You sound deeply hurt by your ex, but that’s your hurt to carry, not your sons. It’s not for him to try and navigate changes your ex did or didn’t make for you - it is your job to help him understand that adult relationships are complex and it’s not a reflection on him that dad did or didn’t do things he does now. People change and grow in relationships with others, his dad has changed.

What is his dad like with him now? Regardless of days out etc when you were together, what’s his engagement like with his son when they’re together?

Sunblocker · 09/02/2025 15:32

I pushed and pushed to try and maintain a relationship between my girls and their Dad. It has damaged them both to be upset and let down by him over and over again. You are right to listen to his feelings but be prepared for the fact he may change his mind in the future. The rejection they feel is horrendous and I still have to help them deal With it many years later.

purpleme12 · 09/02/2025 15:34

You can't stop him from seeing him.
Yes he might be upset coming back about things but I don't think that's a good enough reason to stop him from seeing him
It sounds like it's you who made that decision, not him. (Even if he is ok right now)

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/02/2025 15:36

Not all children benefit from contact with an absent parent. Some experience actual harm from it.

MaggieBsBoat · 09/02/2025 15:42

To be honest, it’s clear your ex loves his wife but he didn’t love you. This is just the truth of it. This is why he is able to do things for her which he wasn’t with you. But this is ok. It isn’t ok for him to treat his son with you differently though this is also hard to do especially if his son hardly sees him and his relationship with you is a somewhat bitter and possibly acrimonious one. Whatever else your son will pick up on this.
I was in a similar situation and I took the opposite road. I enforced a relationship because I felt that it was a right that both parties had - even when they didn’t appreciate it. My son is now an adult and is nc with his father, but I have no blame on me that is his decision and his father thanks me for always facilitating his relationship with his son. I have come out well and they have made their own relationship work or not work in the way that fits them.
I think you may reap what you sow later I am afraid.