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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH not happy that I’ve cut her hair?

49 replies

ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 15:36

My DD8 recently expressed that she wants her hair cut short to her shoulders. It was pretty long down her back but she struggles to brush it properly and hates anyone else brushing it (She’s audhd btw).
This means every few days I’m having to convince her to allow me to comb out any knots or matts.
I told her I would book her into the hairdressers but she didn’t want to go and asked me to do it for her.
I’m not a hairdresser by any means but I’m very creative and artistic, so I’ve always taught myself a wide range of skills ever since I was young. I’ve always cut my own hair successfully with no wonkyness and my friends always comment that it looks nice and that I’m really good at it.
I’m not one to be too into the latest styles or trends with hair/make-up, not too fussed about having highlights or colours etc and so it’s always been just a basic trim or tidying up my fringe to keep my hair healthy.

I spent some time looking up videos on YouTube and TikTok of how to cut girls hair before sitting DD down and gave her the haircut she wanted.

She absolutely loved the result and couldn’t wait to go to school the next day to show off her new hair. She kept giving me cuddles afterwards and saying thankyou over and over again before telling me she always wants me to do her hair in future.
Two of my friends have already said that you can’t tell it hasn’t been done by me and that I’ve done a really good job with it.

The problem is, Exh wasn’t happy with it. Saying I should have took her to have it done properly and making comments about how I’m not a hairdresser and he will have to take her to get it fixed.

He hasn’t even seen it yet as DD hasn’t been to his house since she had it done. DD has already said that her stepmum will definitely have something nasty to say about it and she became upset for a short while about this because she knows it’s the usual expected attitude from her.

In my opinion, if you can cut your child’s hair at home and they are happy for you to do so and it turns out okay, then surely that’s okay? Not to mention the fact that it saves money too and that she trusts me to cut it for her too.

AIBU for this? Or am I just getting caught up and doubting myself with a toxic ExH and his wife? I’m questioning myself whether I have done something wrong.

OP posts:
User67556 · 08/02/2025 15:38

Of course YANBU unless your friends are just being nice and it actually looks wonky and uneven.

IamnotSethRogan · 08/02/2025 15:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable although I do see lots of threads from women on MN about their ex cutting their childs hair without discussing it with them.

It sounds like he's a bit of a nightmare but maybe you should have had a chat with him first. Not to ask because it's your daughters decision but just to let him know.

Octonaut4Life · 08/02/2025 15:47

It's her hair and she's happy so really can't see that he has any right to an opinion, she's not a very young child who can't choose for themselves.

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 15:50

Is he more annoyed about the haircut in general or the fact you did it?

Unless it's really wonky and doesn't look right then I think it is fine you cutting it.
However if your daughter came back from his and he had taken her for a haircut without asking you and had a considerable amount cut off, would you be completely fine with this?

TwentyTwentyFive · 08/02/2025 15:51

Well isn't he a charmer, how can you possibly think you've done anything wrong. She's delighted with her haircut and instead of being delighted for her like any decent parent he's not even seen her and has decided it's a problem that he needs to fix. I can't see it being long before she decides he's not worth the effort if this is how he regularly behaves.

Borris · 08/02/2025 15:57

I don't think you're wrong cutting her hair but I would have let her dad know beforehand

MrsJHernandez · 08/02/2025 16:00

If your daughter is happy, I don't see what the problem is. Ex hasn't even seen it and is already being negative and upsetting everyone. Does he really care about DD's hair, or just does he enjoy getting at you?

As far as I'm concerned, it's none of stepmum's business and she should keep her comments between herself and her husband.

Chuchoter · 08/02/2025 16:05

Sounds to me like they were planning to take her to the hairdressers to get her hair done as a one up over on you and now you've 'spoilt' it for them.

Poppins21 · 08/02/2025 16:08

Think it depends what it look like- if it’s ok and your daughter is happy.

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 16:08

Only thing that's important is that she likes it, which she does.

It's not like you gave her a tattoo or a nose job ffs

Notgivenuphope · 08/02/2025 16:09

She absolutely loved the result and couldn’t wait to go to school the next day to show off her new hair. She kept giving me cuddles afterwards and saying thankyou over and over again before telling me she always wants me to do her hair in future.

this is so lovely. Exh is being ridiculous. Why would he want her with straggly long hair that she can’t maintain herself?
It’s just power play OP. I bet she looks great

SnoopySantaPaws · 08/02/2025 16:19

User67556 · 08/02/2025 15:38

Of course YANBU unless your friends are just being nice and it actually looks wonky and uneven.

I suppose it depends whether you're talking about being unreasonable to have cut it or whether his opinion is unreasonable!

@ChloesBiscuitTin I don't think you have done anything wrong. It sounds like something you've done a pretty good job of and it's what your DD wanted. She wanted a cut and she wanted you to do it so I don't think you've been unreasonable at all.

It's not too hard to see why he's an ex or why he's attracted a woman like that. He's judging it before even seeing it which is pretty pathetic. If he knows his DD at all, he would know how stressful she would find a hairdressers appointment and understand why you did it. As the other parent, he should at least wait until he's seen it to see if you have done a good job or not before even suggesting taking her to the hairdressers to get it.'fixed.' He's an arse wipe you are well rid of.!!

I have to admit, though I like long hair and I would have been a bit upset at the other parent having it cut short without giving me the heads up and without me being able to ask DD what she thought first and what she wanted... put it this way if the dad had taken her to a hairdressers and had long hair cut short, I would have gone mad!!🤣🤣. Old-fashioned and sexist, probably, almost definitely, but I'm happy to admit to it!!

Give DD something she can say if they aren't very nice about it!!

ClockingOffers · 08/02/2025 16:36

None of his business.

Your daughter asked for a haircut and you sorted it out for her.

End of story.

If he brings it up again, you need to shut him down immediately and don’t pander to his nonsense.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2025 16:47

You're being unreasonable.for giving his nonsense any consideration.

I always cut my chiden's hair when they were younger. It's just what you do if you can (I'm not a hairdresser either).

And I do my partner's now too.

I do see lots of threads from women on MN about their ex cutting their childs hair without discussing it with them.

I do see your point but it's kind of one of those things I see as a resident parent thing - if you're only going to play at being a dad EOW and not even turn up to parents evenings, arrange GP appointments etc, your motivation for doing something like this is not going to be 'acting in the child's best interests'.

HarryVanderspeigle · 08/02/2025 16:53

He is unreasonable for saying haircuts need to be done by professionals. If she had been much younger and you lopped it all off without discussing, I would see why he might be peeved. But an 8 year old should be able to choose whatever hair they want.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 16:53

Moonnstars · 08/02/2025 15:50

Is he more annoyed about the haircut in general or the fact you did it?

Unless it's really wonky and doesn't look right then I think it is fine you cutting it.
However if your daughter came back from his and he had taken her for a haircut without asking you and had a considerable amount cut off, would you be completely fine with this?

There’s been loads of times that she’s come back and said she’s been to the hairdressers as they will take all the stepkids together too with her before they go on holidays or something. She only has a trim with a few layers put in. I’m never cross about it because she’s happy and I’m happy they have taken her. Or she will come back to mine with her hair in plaits and I’ve always made sure to comment to her that her stepmum has made her hair look really nice. Unfortunately she only ever has unkind things said about me to her hy her stepmum. I’ve just always made sure to not react or do the same back as I know how damaging this is. I’ve raised this with them and it stops but only for a while before something else is said.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 08/02/2025 16:57

Exh wasn’t happy with it.

Is it their hair? No, tough shit then. Dd is happy with it, DD wanted the haircut, DD got the haircut. EXH needs to learn about body autonomy.

Don't enter into any conversation about it, it's toxic and designed to drag you into an argument.

The crux is DD wanted the haircut, DD got the haircut. Discussion over.

Cerialkiller · 08/02/2025 16:57

I cut my dd5 hair. Exactly the same, watched a you tube tutorial and went from mid-back to cute bob with a fringe.

I presume that exh knows about DDs sensory issues and therefore should understand about not going to the salon. The important thing is that 1, DD asked for it and 2. DD likes the result.

If DD continues to worry about her dad and step mum just reiterate the same to her. 'the important thing is that you wanted it Nd that you are happy with it now.' hopefully this will help give her a phrase to repeat back to them.

My fear is that ex and sm will criticise the hair cut, finding fault that isn't necessarily real and upset dd to the point that she agrees to keep the peace or genuinely changes her mind under that scrutiny.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 16:58

TwentyTwentyFive · 08/02/2025 15:51

Well isn't he a charmer, how can you possibly think you've done anything wrong. She's delighted with her haircut and instead of being delighted for her like any decent parent he's not even seen her and has decided it's a problem that he needs to fix. I can't see it being long before she decides he's not worth the effort if this is how he regularly behaves.

Oh she is definitely already showing signs of not wanting to go. Mostly because of the attitude they have towards her. My other DD decided to stop going through for the same reasons but DD8 is too young apparently to make that choice.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 08/02/2025 17:01

Ignore him. She sounds delighted with it.

theduchessofspork · 08/02/2025 17:02

Just ignore him, he’s taking nonsense.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 17:03

MrsJHernandez · 08/02/2025 16:00

If your daughter is happy, I don't see what the problem is. Ex hasn't even seen it and is already being negative and upsetting everyone. Does he really care about DD's hair, or just does he enjoy getting at you?

As far as I'm concerned, it's none of stepmum's business and she should keep her comments between herself and her husband.

Oh it’s quite obvious from past behaviour that he only has an issue with it because I have done it. If I had taken her to a hairdressers then it wouldn’t have been a problem at all. There’s been many cases of where I have posted certain things on social media of something I have done or achieved and stepmum has shown jealousy and insecurities. They had a fall out once and he confided to me that she has a lot of insecurities towards me. Tells him during arguments to go running back to me etc. sometimes in front of the kids from what DD8 has told me. DD8 was made to change her clothes once because her shirt had a slogan on it saying “Mummy’s bestie”. I try ignore everything and tell DD8 to ignore such things. I tell Exh about these things and he says he will have words with her to stop it but it soon starts again.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 17:05

He doesn’t get an opinion on how it looks until he’s seen it. Right now he’s just having a strop.

I had a friend whose mum cut her own hair and she had the most amazing Goldie Hawn style fringe and layers that no hairdresser had ever managed for me. So I don’t agree that home cuts necessarily need fixing.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2025 17:05

Oh dear. Was she the OW, OP?

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 17:08

SnoopySantaPaws · 08/02/2025 16:19

I suppose it depends whether you're talking about being unreasonable to have cut it or whether his opinion is unreasonable!

@ChloesBiscuitTin I don't think you have done anything wrong. It sounds like something you've done a pretty good job of and it's what your DD wanted. She wanted a cut and she wanted you to do it so I don't think you've been unreasonable at all.

It's not too hard to see why he's an ex or why he's attracted a woman like that. He's judging it before even seeing it which is pretty pathetic. If he knows his DD at all, he would know how stressful she would find a hairdressers appointment and understand why you did it. As the other parent, he should at least wait until he's seen it to see if you have done a good job or not before even suggesting taking her to the hairdressers to get it.'fixed.' He's an arse wipe you are well rid of.!!

I have to admit, though I like long hair and I would have been a bit upset at the other parent having it cut short without giving me the heads up and without me being able to ask DD what she thought first and what she wanted... put it this way if the dad had taken her to a hairdressers and had long hair cut short, I would have gone mad!!🤣🤣. Old-fashioned and sexist, probably, almost definitely, but I'm happy to admit to it!!

Give DD something she can say if they aren't very nice about it!!

Show quote history

I was really sad too tbh to have her choose to get it cut short but she was so excited and had mentioned it for quite a while now plus it’s definitely more practical for her. I certainly wouldn’t have done it either if I didn’t feel capable of doing a good job but I’ve done my own hair for so many years that I felt confident. I know if she hasn’t have told him that it was me who has cut then they would have been more than happy for her sadly.

OP posts: