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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH not happy that I’ve cut her hair?

49 replies

ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 15:36

My DD8 recently expressed that she wants her hair cut short to her shoulders. It was pretty long down her back but she struggles to brush it properly and hates anyone else brushing it (She’s audhd btw).
This means every few days I’m having to convince her to allow me to comb out any knots or matts.
I told her I would book her into the hairdressers but she didn’t want to go and asked me to do it for her.
I’m not a hairdresser by any means but I’m very creative and artistic, so I’ve always taught myself a wide range of skills ever since I was young. I’ve always cut my own hair successfully with no wonkyness and my friends always comment that it looks nice and that I’m really good at it.
I’m not one to be too into the latest styles or trends with hair/make-up, not too fussed about having highlights or colours etc and so it’s always been just a basic trim or tidying up my fringe to keep my hair healthy.

I spent some time looking up videos on YouTube and TikTok of how to cut girls hair before sitting DD down and gave her the haircut she wanted.

She absolutely loved the result and couldn’t wait to go to school the next day to show off her new hair. She kept giving me cuddles afterwards and saying thankyou over and over again before telling me she always wants me to do her hair in future.
Two of my friends have already said that you can’t tell it hasn’t been done by me and that I’ve done a really good job with it.

The problem is, Exh wasn’t happy with it. Saying I should have took her to have it done properly and making comments about how I’m not a hairdresser and he will have to take her to get it fixed.

He hasn’t even seen it yet as DD hasn’t been to his house since she had it done. DD has already said that her stepmum will definitely have something nasty to say about it and she became upset for a short while about this because she knows it’s the usual expected attitude from her.

In my opinion, if you can cut your child’s hair at home and they are happy for you to do so and it turns out okay, then surely that’s okay? Not to mention the fact that it saves money too and that she trusts me to cut it for her too.

AIBU for this? Or am I just getting caught up and doubting myself with a toxic ExH and his wife? I’m questioning myself whether I have done something wrong.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 08/02/2025 17:12

Borris · 08/02/2025 15:57

I don't think you're wrong cutting her hair but I would have let her dad know beforehand

Erm.... Why!?!? It isn't HIS hair

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 17:13

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2025 16:47

You're being unreasonable.for giving his nonsense any consideration.

I always cut my chiden's hair when they were younger. It's just what you do if you can (I'm not a hairdresser either).

And I do my partner's now too.

I do see lots of threads from women on MN about their ex cutting their childs hair without discussing it with them.

I do see your point but it's kind of one of those things I see as a resident parent thing - if you're only going to play at being a dad EOW and not even turn up to parents evenings, arrange GP appointments etc, your motivation for doing something like this is not going to be 'acting in the child's best interests'.

This!! I can clarify he doesn’t ever and hasn’t ever attended anything ever! Parents evenings, school plays, out of school club performances, appointments, sports days…
she is with me 75% of the time and even the days that she goes through on weekends he is barely there as he has booked work in (extra work paid in cash) when the arrangement was that those few days are for him to see her. She will either not want to go if he isn’t there or he takes her to his parents to stay instead when she gets upset about being home alone with stepfamily

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/02/2025 17:15

@ChloesBiscuitTin well it is bugger all to do with the step mum isnt it??

supersop60 · 08/02/2025 17:15

It's not a law that you have to go to the hairdressers.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 17:15

toomuchfaff · 08/02/2025 16:57

Exh wasn’t happy with it.

Is it their hair? No, tough shit then. Dd is happy with it, DD wanted the haircut, DD got the haircut. EXH needs to learn about body autonomy.

Don't enter into any conversation about it, it's toxic and designed to drag you into an argument.

The crux is DD wanted the haircut, DD got the haircut. Discussion over.

Edited

Plus the fact that she said she really really didn’t like going to the hairdressers too. She hates going when they take her as she feels stared at and darent ask for exactly what she wants

OP posts:
Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 08/02/2025 17:32

Saying I should have took her to have it done properly and making comments about how I’m not a hairdresser and he will have to take her to get it fixed.

Let him knock himself out.

PassingStranger · 08/02/2025 18:07

Why cant people just be nice.
The correct thing to say is well done, glad daughters happy.

People are always sadly looking to get at their exes.
Ignore. Exes are pathetic. Is that all he has to worry about.

Borris · 08/02/2025 20:04

@WeeOrcadian I just know that I would be miffed if ex h cut our daughter's hair without telling me first. Therefore I'd expect the same courtesy in return.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 08/02/2025 20:13

She absolutely loved the result and couldn’t wait to go to school the next day to show off her new hair.

Right there is the only opinion that matters, the only person who matters.
If your exH can’t see this is about his daughter and not about him then he’s a moron.

FairFuming · 08/02/2025 20:23

I have an 8yo DD too, she cut all her hair off aged 3, she had beautiful long ringlets and ended up with a very uneven mullet I took her to the hairdresser to try and even it out and she was only annoyed that the hair dresser might reattach the hair. She had a pixie cut for years and only in the last 2 years has decided to grow it long. She had decided she wants it cut short again next time. She's chosen her own hair cut since she was 3 because ultimately it's her hair not mine and it's easier to get the cut she wants rather then fix it.
Your ex should count himself lucky you did it before she took the scissors to it herself! Also I'd preempt her going to his with a message saying it doesn't matter what you think of her hair. It is her hair and she loves it, if she comes back disheartened or upset but any stupid judgemental comments from either of you then it will probably permanently damage your relationship as she is already worried about this happening due to past behaviour.

OliveThe0therReindeer · 08/02/2025 20:35

I’ve always let my children have whatever hair style / colour they want. It’s such an easy way to let them feel in control of something that matters to them and it will always grown back. I try to let them have choices about things that ultimately don’t matter like clothes, hair, how their bedroom is decorated etc

Im hoping this means that they will be less likely to rebel over some big issue that I DO care about . So far it’s working🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

So I think you have done the right thing @ChloesBiscuitTin in letting your Dd choose her own hair style. Your ex is obvious just bitching as usual and you should ignore him.

elozabet · 08/02/2025 20:37

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 16:08

Only thing that's important is that she likes it, which she does.

It's not like you gave her a tattoo or a nose job ffs

This

MissUltraViolet · 08/02/2025 20:46

She loves it, that's all that matters.

You sound like a very calm and tolerant person. Dads reaction is ridiculous and I would tell him to fuck off but it's awful that DD is already worried about nasty comments her dads partner will make.

I couldn't cope with that, at all. He should be ashamed of himself that he has put his daughter in the position of feeling like that for even one second.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:35

PassingStranger · 08/02/2025 18:07

Why cant people just be nice.
The correct thing to say is well done, glad daughters happy.

People are always sadly looking to get at their exes.
Ignore. Exes are pathetic. Is that all he has to worry about.

I would love a good co-parenting relationship with him but he’s always made it so difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:38

Borris · 08/02/2025 20:04

@WeeOrcadian I just know that I would be miffed if ex h cut our daughter's hair without telling me first. Therefore I'd expect the same courtesy in return.

If Exh had taken her to the hairdressers without me knowing and she had come back with her hair cut short then I wouldn’t be angry at all as long as I knew that it was her decision, her choice to get it cut. It’s her hair and her choice. As long as she’s happy with it that’s all that matters. I can’t be mad at him getting her hair cut if that’s what she wanted. It’s hair. It’s grows back

OP posts:
Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:42

FairFuming · 08/02/2025 20:23

I have an 8yo DD too, she cut all her hair off aged 3, she had beautiful long ringlets and ended up with a very uneven mullet I took her to the hairdresser to try and even it out and she was only annoyed that the hair dresser might reattach the hair. She had a pixie cut for years and only in the last 2 years has decided to grow it long. She had decided she wants it cut short again next time. She's chosen her own hair cut since she was 3 because ultimately it's her hair not mine and it's easier to get the cut she wants rather then fix it.
Your ex should count himself lucky you did it before she took the scissors to it herself! Also I'd preempt her going to his with a message saying it doesn't matter what you think of her hair. It is her hair and she loves it, if she comes back disheartened or upset but any stupid judgemental comments from either of you then it will probably permanently damage your relationship as she is already worried about this happening due to past behaviour.

Exactly. It’s her hair. He needs to realise that this wasn’t an impulsive thing I just decided to do. This wasn’t something she has mentioned for a while now and again I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t confident. I’m not a hairdresser but I know my creative abilities and if anything I knew if it did go wrong then I could always take her to the hairdressers to get it fixed too and took this into account with the amount I cut off. I feel strongly about allowing her to make the choices that she wants to about such things. There is so much more other things in life to worry about other than a haircut which can grow back anyway. Like I said above, if it was done by a hairdresser I really don’t think it would be an issue at all

OP posts:
Utr90 · 08/02/2025 22:43

Borris · 08/02/2025 15:57

I don't think you're wrong cutting her hair but I would have let her dad know beforehand

The OP carried and gave birth to her. He doesn't get a say.

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:43

OliveThe0therReindeer · 08/02/2025 20:35

I’ve always let my children have whatever hair style / colour they want. It’s such an easy way to let them feel in control of something that matters to them and it will always grown back. I try to let them have choices about things that ultimately don’t matter like clothes, hair, how their bedroom is decorated etc

Im hoping this means that they will be less likely to rebel over some big issue that I DO care about . So far it’s working🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

So I think you have done the right thing @ChloesBiscuitTin in letting your Dd choose her own hair style. Your ex is obvious just bitching as usual and you should ignore him.

Thankyou. If anything I think it’s avoided her trying to do it herself. She is audhd and this would definitely be something she would have tried to eventually do if I had said no.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 08/02/2025 22:47

At the age of 8 your DD should have self agency over her hair (within reason - I'm not suggesting free reign for a mowhawk or dyed green - basically school suitable).

She wanted shoulder length hair and you facilitated that and did it well by all accounts. Job done and he's being an arse.

A simple one length hair cut isn't rocket science as long as you have a good pair of hairdressing scissors and have watched how to do it on YouTube. DH (who is not artistic or creative) did mine on a last min holiday after it was driving me mad and I'd not been able to get to the hairdresser before we went. He just chopped it off a bit above the longest layer. It looked great (though I wouldn't trust him with layers!).

Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:48

MissUltraViolet · 08/02/2025 20:46

She loves it, that's all that matters.

You sound like a very calm and tolerant person. Dads reaction is ridiculous and I would tell him to fuck off but it's awful that DD is already worried about nasty comments her dads partner will make.

I couldn't cope with that, at all. He should be ashamed of himself that he has put his daughter in the position of feeling like that for even one second.

Thankyou. This certainly does reflect the kind of person I am. Her stepmum has always always come out with the most awful comments about me over the years but I don’t show my frustration and hurt in front of my daughters. I tell them adults say unkind things sometimes and hopefully they will learn not to. I never retaliate by saying such things about her stepmum. If anything my only wish is that she could one day develop a positive relationship with her stepmum because I’ve always believed the more people/adults that love your kid unconditionally the better. I’d hate to think anything would ever happen to me and she would be left to live with someone who would be so awful. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s so sad because she is such a good kid. It’s so damaging to hear someone speak badly of their parent. It’s the only person she hears bad things about me said to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChloesBiscuitTin · 08/02/2025 22:54

BreadInCaptivity · 08/02/2025 22:47

At the age of 8 your DD should have self agency over her hair (within reason - I'm not suggesting free reign for a mowhawk or dyed green - basically school suitable).

She wanted shoulder length hair and you facilitated that and did it well by all accounts. Job done and he's being an arse.

A simple one length hair cut isn't rocket science as long as you have a good pair of hairdressing scissors and have watched how to do it on YouTube. DH (who is not artistic or creative) did mine on a last min holiday after it was driving me mad and I'd not been able to get to the hairdresser before we went. He just chopped it off a bit above the longest layer. It looked great (though I wouldn't trust him with layers!).

It really was so easy and I already have all the hairdressing equipment and proper scissors and clips etc to do it. I don’t go to the hairdressers myself simply because I love my hair as it is and only need to trim it. I don’t look a state or unkept at all and always hoped to raise my daughters to believe that it’s not necessary to follow trends or materialistic fads to feel good about themselves and their hair and skin is beautiful. DD8 is a tomboy and shorter hair suits her and more practical for her too especially as she finds it difficult to brush through it independently and gets frustrated at the need of me brush out the back. I would admit fully if I had messed it up but I really haven’t at all. We had fun doing it and pretended humorously that we were in a salon. It was a good experience that has once again been impacted by his and his wife’s words. I hate how they are with her and don’t realise it’s impact on her self esteem

OP posts:
Twixtmasjigsaw · 09/02/2025 09:15

I know a lot of AUDHD kids who struggle with hairdressers . My friend cuts her son's hair for this very reason.

Assuming it's straight, why on earth would this be a problem?

SweetnsourNZ · 21/06/2025 13:16

Your ex and his new partner sound like a pair of bullies, quite frankly. Can you not reapply to the courts to have visits stopped? Maybe document what your daughter tells you and ask the elder one to back you up. I usually favour's co-parenting but this sounds awful. Your poor sweet girl.

SweetnsourNZ · 21/06/2025 13:23

My son is adhd/autistic and doesn't like going to hairdressers either. He's 19 now and has long hair which he ties in a ponytail for work.

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