Husband always groping me

[Bella8209]

Married 15 years, 2 kids under 10. Husband has always been touchy type with me but it’s been ridiculous the last probably 4/5 years. It may seem comical but he grabs my boobs from behind if I’m at the kitchen sink, if I’m bending down to fill dishwasher he slaps my bum. And thinks it’s funny. And he does it in front of the kids and now they think it’s funny and are doing it too.
Last night as I was putting kids to bed, I was leaning down to put clothes in daughter’s bottom drawer and he came in and slapped my bum. I’m not proud but I lost it and kicked him hard in the shin. He’s now moaning today that his leg is sore and bruised. I know I shouldn’t have kicked him but I’m sick to death of this. He wonders why I have no libido and I know part of why he’s like this is because we haven’t done it in over a year but I feel my light is permanently out because he turns me off with his behaviour. He’s not the most hands on around the house either, I feel like I have 3 kids most of the time. Am I overreacting. I don’t want to break up my family but I’ve asked/told him time and time again to stop doing it and stop setting bad examples for the kids, but he just can’t help himself.

Well I guess you shouldn’t have kicked him, but maybe he will keep his hands off. Make it very clear you do not want to be groped. It’s gross

Have you told him he's disgusting you with the way he treats you and that's why you don't want to shag him?

Why does he do fuck all, did he not want a house and 3 kids, did he think they'd sort themselves out or something?

He is touching you without consent. He is groping you without consent.

You have explicitly told him not to do it. That is sexual assault.

Being married does not = continuous consent.

He can control it. He thinks your body belongs to him.

It doesn't. He's sexually assaulting you in front of your kids and he's teaching his kids that consent means nothing. That means your family is already broken.

Again. He's normalizing sexual assault to your kids.

I know part of why he’s like this is because we haven’t done it in over a year but I feel my light is permanently out because he turns me off with his behaviour. He’s not the most hands on around the house either, I feel like I have 3 kids most of the time.

My fanny would have healed over before - no way would that man ever get into my body again.

1. Its not because he has not had sex. Its because he is a sex pest. who has no respect for you.
2. He is lazy.

A frank discussion is needed. What does he do when you tell him to stop and never to do it in future?

One sexual assault and the other physical assault . You either need to split or both get therapy .

You are not over reacting. He can help it, he is choosing not to. He dies not respect you or your boundaries. He is showing your children that this behaviour is acceptable. It is not. You have nor consented to him touching you and you have told him to stop. He hasn't. This is sexual abuse. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

It sounds like a Benny Hill sketch. I couldn't be doing with it at all. 🙄

But not having sex for a year probably isn't helping. V clumsy way of him trying to initiate sex? Tell him He needs to do more domestic work so you can have a relaxing bath and glass of wine and hopefully feel more up for sex.

Have you considered Relate counselling or similar? You need to talk about it together in a way that he realises there's a genuine problem - he currently can't see it, imo.

"But not having sex for a year probably isn't helping. V clumsy way of him trying to initiate sex?"

It isn't helping his ears to work?
She has explicitly said she doesn't like it and asked him to stop. Even if they hadn't had sex in 10 years, he has no right to touch her body like that.

He shouldn't need the reward of sex being dangled like a carrot to make him get off his arse, do his share of housework and childcare and not sexually assault his wife.

He sounds really resentful. He's assaulting you regularly and hiding his aggression behind being playful. He's abusive.

He's also using his male privilege to leave everything to you because he feels you're less than. He doesn't respect you.

If you were bending over in the supermarket and a man whacked your bum, it's the same thing. It's unwanted contact and assault.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that someone gets unmitigated access to your body.

Yes, he can help himself, of course he can. He's choosing to do this despite you presumably having told him very firmly you don't like it. That should be enough to stop him. I don't know what else you can do, the kicking him obviously isn't ideal but it's understandable when you've had enough.

You say you don't want to break up but I think I'd be drawing a firm boundary and saying if he doesn't stop this right now, you'll be considering whether you want to stay with him. Unless of course that would be an empty threat and you're willing to stay with someone who completely disregards your feelings and feels like he can grope you whenever he wants. I know I wouldn't be willing to put up with that.

@YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt - did you read my last sentence before you decided to respond? I explicitly stated that he doesn't seem to be listening to what she says (aka not using his ears) and perhaps they need some kind of input as he clearly just isn't taking on board anything OP says (even if he does get kicked in the shins!)

*Am I overreacting. I don’t want to break up my family but I’ve asked/told him time and time again to stop doing it and stop setting bad examples for the kids, but he just can’t help himself."

He can help himself, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't see his behaviour as sexual assault, which it is, because he thinks he has a right to touch you anytime he likes despite you explicitly telling him he is doing it without your consent.

I don't know how you get him to stop if telling him to stop doesn't work. Maybe your reflexive kick might make him think twice. I think if you discuss it again you need to talk about it in terms of consent.

I understand why you don't want sex with him, constant groping kills my interest stone dead too. The touching is never gentle or erotic it's always like fighting with a horny teenage octopus, not sure why men think that would get any woman in the mood.

If he refuses to respect your wishes then you may have to consider the future of the relationship.

@FOJN

Fighting with a horny teenage octopus!

That's a great image 😂🐙

Well he can help himself unless he has some mysterious condition that makes it physically impossible for him to stop groping you.

This is sexual assault as it is obviously against your will. It is also damaging for your children to witness this behaviour as they are starting to copy him. If they talk about this at school, it will definitely ring alarm bells and possibly lead to intervention from Social Services.

Make it very clear to your husband that if this continues you will report him to the police.

He always says he will stop, and he does for a while. Then it starts again. I genuinely didn’t realise this was classed as sexual abuse. I’ve been at the end of my tether for a while now but I don’t want my girls living with us like this. I need out. Been trying to keep our family together for years to save uprooting them from all they know. But I’ve had enough.

I know it's easy to just say leave, you have children.
Maybe you should have aimed higher 🤭
I don't have kids and husband and myself have separate assets, so it would be a divorce for myself.
At 45, I don't desire to be pawed at anymore.
I'm not sure how to approach this with your husband and I'm surprised he didn't stop this crap within 15 years.
😕

Sit him down and ask him what he'd do if he watched his daughters boyfriend do this to her after she had explicitly told him no.
You shouldn't have to frame it like this but I'm genuinely interested in why the fuck he would get any humour or enjoyment out of repeatedly touching someone who doesn't want to be touched.
In fact, say that. Over and over again.
'I'm really concerned that you seem to find it either funny or pleasurable to touch me when you know I don't want to be touched. I would never want to touch someone who didn't want to be touched. I would kill anyone who tried to touch our kids when they don't want to be touched. I've told you over and over again I don't like it and yet you still do it and appear to be enjoying it. Why the fuck do you enjoy it, when you know I hate it? Genuinely, why?'
I'm genuinely disturbed by men who behave like this.

Thank you. This was the confirmation I needed to end things. He isn’t going to change, I can see that now

Kids learn young what societal norms are from parents in the house.

Point out that he’s showing your kids that it’s acceptable for a man to touch a woman sexually whenever and however he pleases and that a woman should be accepting of that.

Ask him if he realises he’s teaching his son that touching women uncontrollably is ok - is that a good life lesson for a young man or a n early prison sentence?
Ask him if realises he’s teaching his daughter that if a man wants to touch her then she should always submit to the advance - is that a good life lesson or creating an incredibly confused and vulnerable young woman?

Maybe he doesn’t realise.
When you explain the above he’ll either understand it immediately and put it right.

Of he’s a liability of the highest order.

Obviously any sort of physical contact should be agreed as part of your relationship. My DH often gives my breasts a gentle squeeze, just as I will tweak his bum in passing. I'm sure he would stop if I asked him, but I'd probably be disappointed if he didn't bother any more. But that's just us.

Some men don't have a clue.

1. They don't realise if they treat their wife like a mother/maid she'll stop wanting sex with their child/husband.

2. Feeling like a piece of meat (or a hole to be filled) is the least sexy thing possible.

It’s bad enough that he’s doing this at all, but it’s appalling that he’s doing it in front of the kids. I’m not surprised you don’t want sex with him.

I actually quite like a surreptitious grope from my partner, but bloody hell, if he was just randomly grabbing at my tits or slapping my bum all the time while I was doing tedious household stuff, I think my fanny would snap shut like a clam and stay that way.

Perhaps it slightly humorous language but the reality of it turns my stomach and if I'm honest I see OP's kick as self defence. I don't condone violence but I don't think there is anything wrong with defending yourself against sexual assault.

Quite honestly this was one of the reasons that contributed to me leaving my ex husband (among a lot of things, also have two young children, were v young then) I honestly found it grotesque and made me want any physical intimacy with him less and less each time (it was constant). He had no respect for me or any form of boundaries and that showed up in very dangerous ways once we did finally separate properly.