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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent the work culture here sometimes

26 replies

Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 11:57

I'm fortunate to rarely be ill and I've only ever had one day off a year or something around that.
I'm being bullied by my manager and suffering work-related stress. I haven't slept properly in a fortnight, I feel sick and anxious constantly, I've been reduced to tears a few times by her and the role.

I'm waiting on a start date in my new role luckily, provided I pass referencing. I have to give my most recent reference so obviously this role, it's in the Civil Service.

I'm scared that manager could give me a bad reference. I haven't had any disciplinary or anything like that and I'm not on probation but I just constantly worry.
It still could be a couple of weeks yet and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. I'm a trainee in a role, I've got an additional assessment on Monday where she's going to test me on various jargon and I'm revising this weekend but I just feel so panicky.

I wish I could be signed off with stress but I'm scared that will affect my future employment because as I say I don't yet have the reference as far as I know. So I feel stuck. Even though it's likely only a few more weeks at most I don't know if I do it. I take Kalms and sleeping tablets, I can't cope with the insomnia and constant panicky feeling anymore.

Ive documented every incident with this manager but have never gone through this procedure before. I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies, never in something like the Civil Service.

I dislike how we're essentially punished for suffering with mental health issues and how it can affect references. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:00

I know that if I get signed off it'll obviously come up on my reference, and future jobs might think oh she won't be able to cope/she's off a lot, even though like I say I've only ever had around 1 day off a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:01

Im not doing much outside work atm because I spend a lot of spare time going over technical terms etc. Even though we're not meant to out of working hours, I'm really struggling with it.

OP posts:
km21 · 08/02/2025 12:06

Civil service have to give factual references only so dates of employment, sickness absence and any disciplinary/grievance issues. It doesn’t sound like you have much to worry about currently.

However it’s probably not a great idea to have further sick leave at the moment unless it’s absolutely necessary. Can you grit your teeth and bear it in the short term?

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2025 12:08

Yes I think the reference is only factual like pp said so you’ll be fine.

I wonder if the “let them” idea might help you get through the next few weeks.

Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:09

I could but I am just not sleeping well and constantly feel anxious. The manager says she is concerned about me not understanding everything about the role, it's true I don't, I hate it tbh and this is why I'm leaving.
But there have been other micro aggressions from her and she's demonstrated a lack of trust.
I'm trying to do whatever I need to do to get through the next couple of weeks but she keeps giving me extra work that other people in the team don't have.

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 08/02/2025 12:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Zanatdy · 08/02/2025 12:10

I’m civil service - the manager is only confirming no sickness or behavioural warnings kind of thing. Stop worrying

Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:10

I'm just scared that if I do go on sick leave, the new job will see this and think, oh she can't cope, and will withdraw their offer.
It shouldn't have to be like this but it seems to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sorry the new role is out of the Civil Service, but the current role is Civil Service.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:11

She's had a conversation with me which was 'informal' because she was unhappy I did my e learning too quickly and made me do it all again.. there's been nothing formal but I'm scared she might do something over the next couple of weeks.

OP posts:
heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 12:13

Think of it this way, if she doesn't like you it's in her best interests to work with you rather than against you so you don't have to work together any more.

Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:15

It's just a case of waiting, I have to do a basic DBS luckily not an enhanced one, and I've provided 2 other employment references from jobs I was in for longer and performed well in so that shouldn't be a problem.
My new role wants security clearance which I already have still in date, I've sent off my ID etc. So surely it shouldn't be long now. Just feel like I'm in limbo.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2025 12:21

Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:00

I know that if I get signed off it'll obviously come up on my reference, and future jobs might think oh she won't be able to cope/she's off a lot, even though like I say I've only ever had around 1 day off a year.

Recruiters aren't supposed to ask about your sick days.

rookiemere · 08/02/2025 12:22

Something leapt out for me from your opening post OP

"I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies, never in something like the Civil Service. "

It seems incredibly unfortunate that you have encountered so many bullying managers in your career and I wonder if something like CBT would help you build up your base resilience for future employment.

Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:23

rookiemere · 08/02/2025 12:22

Something leapt out for me from your opening post OP

"I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies, never in something like the Civil Service. "

It seems incredibly unfortunate that you have encountered so many bullying managers in your career and I wonder if something like CBT would help you build up your base resilience for future employment.

I mean In my 15 years of employment history I've complained twice before this one, I didn't think that was more than average?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:23

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2025 12:21

Recruiters aren't supposed to ask about your sick days.

Show quote history

I thought it was policy to ask how much absence I'd had in a previous role ? Or is that just a myth?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2025 12:27

Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:23

I thought it was policy to ask how much absence I'd had in a previous role ? Or is that just a myth?

Show quote history

I think it's not allowed any more.
I got asked once, but they put it on the diversity form to get around the law.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2025 12:28

rookiemere · 08/02/2025 12:22

Something leapt out for me from your opening post OP

"I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies, never in something like the Civil Service. "

It seems incredibly unfortunate that you have encountered so many bullying managers in your career and I wonder if something like CBT would help you build up your base resilience for future employment.

What are you trying to say? Bullying is rife. It's not OP's fault.

CantHoldMeDown · 08/02/2025 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2025 12:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I didn't realise. Is it also allowed on the application form?

Original poster
Cantwaitforaholiday33 · 08/02/2025 12:46

It just feels like if you're sick, you're screwed..

OP posts:
HelenaWaiting · 08/02/2025 13:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

The Civil Service does not provide information about sickness records in references, to avoid possible breaches of GDPR and the Equality Act, and a person's health has no bearing whatsoever on DBS or security clearance.

Moonlightstars · 08/02/2025 13:39

rookiemere · 08/02/2025 12:22

Something leapt out for me from your opening post OP

"I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies, never in something like the Civil Service. "

It seems incredibly unfortunate that you have encountered so many bullying managers in your career and I wonder if something like CBT would help you build up your base resilience for future employment.

Proper victim blaming there!

Newmum2610 · 08/02/2025 13:40

I recently completed a reference for civil service for an employee, they asked for job title, start date and to confirm that I was not related to the employee. There was nothing on the reference request to put any additional information about attendance etc

Also an employer can decline to give a reference and CS will accept your income tax records to verify your previous employment.

Don't stress it will be fine

ThinWomansBrain · 08/02/2025 13:40

"I mean in previous jobs when younger ive made informal complaints of bullying but that was in small private companies"

and the common factor is..?
any chance you are being oversensitive if you frequently feel you are being bullied?

that aside, and maybe something to think about before you start your next role, Nytol (antihistamine ones in blue pack, not the herbal ones in a green pack) are a great way of breaking a pattern of lack of sleep.
My GP recommended them years ago. You don't them night after night - just occasionally, will stop you not getting to sleep because you're stressed about not being able to sleep.