To only send one child to private school?

[problem7]

I have three children. My oldest is in year three and is very happy at his state school. He has a great group of friends. He is slightly behind where he should be academically but the school have been very supportive and give additional support.

My middle child is in year one and is having a completely different experience. There are a lot of children with behavioural problems in his class and he gets physically hurt a lot, to the extent he just thinks it normal now. I’ve obviously been in the school and Head and class teacher have taken it very seriously. The children seem to leave him alone for a couple of days and it then starts again. The lunchtime supervision seems inadequate.

He’s always been a bright and curious child but he is becoming angry. He has also started retaliating at school, which although I do understand why, he shouldn’t be behaving this way. He is definitely not achieving his potential academically either.

My youngest is due to start the same school in two years time.

We cannot afford private school ourselves but my parents have offered to pay for my middle child. My oldest child wouldn’t want to move schools anyway so I don’t think they would mind but I have no idea how my youngest will fair.

Would I be unreasonable to take them up on their very kind offer? I worry it’s not fair on my other two children but I also don’t want to deprive him of something that could be fantastic for him.

Any advice greatly appreciated

Normally I would say no, it's not ok to only send one child to private school. But if that's the best option for your middle child I definitely think it needs to be considered. Being fair means doing what is right for each individual child, not giving them all the exact same things.

I think you have to treat all your children differently, because they are different people. I would have no problem sending you middle child to private school because he is unhappy, but keeping your eldest at state school where he is happy. In the same way as you might send a disabled sibling to a special school, but send their non-disabled sibling to mainstream!

However, I would think about what your youngest child will do. If your middle one gets sent to private because the state one didn't work for him, then IF the state one also doesn't work for your youngest, you really should send them to private too! Would this be possible?

I think it’s a massive step to take when you don’t know how they’ll all get on in the rest of the primary and secondary years?

Will they pay for the middle child to go to secondary school too?

how will you cope with 2 school runs and different school holidays?

Is there not a different primary school you could try first? Maybe even move all of them.

They are all very little whst if your youngest doesn't cope in state or your oldest whilst happy now ,might not be in a few years could you afford to send all three to private school if needed ?

Surely what your middle child needs is a change of school to somewhere free of the children who are causing him difficulties and/or with better supervision, not a private school? Aren’t there other local state schools?

That's not really the same i had a child in a special school and one in mainstream, it wasent really a choice ( although ultimately the best option )

Don’t do it.

DH was sent to one of the best independent schools in the UK, because it was worth the investment in their opinion. He ended up doing a PhD at Cambridge. His sister was deemed not worth the investment and ended up at a really quite crappy University. His sister is really not a nice person but I think deep down there is huge resentment stemming from this.

How do you know he'll be better at a private school, can't you just switch his state school?

Can middle child go to a different state school?

What will you do if youngest is also having a hard time in state?

We are doing that. One has SENDs, but bright - he can’t deal with the chaos of a state school but does really well in private schools (caring but mainstream primary, specialist secondary). He needs the extra support and calm, and state schools cannot provide this (we’ve tried…. disaster).
The other one is bright, naturally interested in culture/politics etc, and has time consuming hobbies, so the much shorter days and much much lower demand in a state school suit. He doesn’t need the extra sports program (he does a minimum of 8 hours sport a week anyway), the cultural offers (his natural interests anyway), doesn’t need academic support and without much effort does really well. me might be looking at a sport specific school in the future (or in case he needs more support).
Both are very happy with the solution (youngest would hate the longer days!)

No. No way but a change may be needed. I know families who have done this and the resentment has destroyed relationships.

You should do the best for each child. So if moving middle child to a better state school is out of the question then yes, go for the offer to help pay private school fees. You can't leave a child in a school where he's being regularly attacked. I don't know why the other parents aren't aware.

I think it could be ok (are there really no other state options you could try though?) but I would bring your eldest in on the discussions first. My son is in year 3 and would be a very active part of this discussion about helping their sibling and feeling bad they were unhappy. Kids don't necessarily weigh up the £ amounts, so you could couple it with a discussion about if there is anything additional he would like to do too- maybe a new club or one of those sleepaway camps over the summer- so he feels equally considered.

Things can change a lot though ,whst if the youngest child also gets attacked ,or the oldest child starts having a bad time, it wouldn't be fair on them if they have to stay where they are
I'm.more concerned why this is allowed to happen on a regular basis.

No. What is happening to the middle child could happen to the older one and the younger one and what will you do then?

Maybe it isn't, but you still delt with the fact that different things suited them, so they had to be different. Maybe it wasn't a choice, but you didn't take both your children out and home educate them both, because they couldn't go to the same school.

at some point you will have to explain to the middle child then that you didn’t protect them because there was a chance that the older child might need protection in the future.
Oldest is stable in year 3, so the chance is low. Middle one is getting physically attacked regularly….

@x2boys yes agreed. That's why I think you need to try to do the best for each child

And if the older one isn't happy next year then what? Will your parents pay for him too, or is he not bright enough to warrant this. What about your youngest?

You have other options than private school.

Do it. You'll always regret it otherwise. He can go back to mainstream school for senior school as they will be streamed. Just make sure he's in the top set, lots of coaching at home, reading lots and practice that maths. One of my kids was horribly bullied and I got them out of that school and had to go private. Behaviour was so much better, his happiness and academic results improved no ends, as did his resilience. It was a very basic small private school nothing fancy, but small classes and good behaviour made such a difference. I think it saved my child from a life of misery and redirected their life.
We also considered using parental help to move into a better school area, it was that desperate.

I want to add I would not see this as an ongoing solution to include senior school or there will be huge resentment from your other children. As a shorter term option for the rest of primary it's a great way out.

No way but a change may be needed. I know families who have done this and the resentment has destroyed relationships.

Agree

I would consider looking at other state schools before going private. Switching one child to private could cause problems between your children later on and what happens when your MC reaches secondary school age with much higher fees?

I'm more concerned about why a 5/6 year old is regularly being attacked
You could turn the question sound in why was only the middle child protected .

Thank you for all of the responses. I’ll answer some of the questions.

This would only be for primary school. He would either need to get a heavy bursary or scholarship to stay in private or he would rejoin state for secondary school. We are lucky that there is an outstanding secondary school close by that has always been our long term plan for the kids.

My parents have said it would be possible for my youngest too but it’s obviously a lot of money. I’d lean towards starting him at the same state school as my oldest and move him if there were problems.

I’ve spoken to my oldest about it and he really doesn’t want to move schools at all. This is one of the reasons we haven’t just moved area to where the state schools are better. He’s an emotional child and I worry it would really unsettle him.

Regarding other state schools close by, there is one I would consider so will have a look. The drop off and pick up times though are exactly the same which would be tricky logistically but doable with after/before school clubs. The private school starts earlier and there’s clubs for children at both schools after 3.30 so could utilise those.