To only send one child to private school?

[problem7]

I have three children. My oldest is in year three and is very happy at his state school. He has a great group of friends. He is slightly behind where he should be academically but the school have been very supportive and give additional support.

My middle child is in year one and is having a completely different experience. There are a lot of children with behavioural problems in his class and he gets physically hurt a lot, to the extent he just thinks it normal now. I’ve obviously been in the school and Head and class teacher have taken it very seriously. The children seem to leave him alone for a couple of days and it then starts again. The lunchtime supervision seems inadequate.

He’s always been a bright and curious child but he is becoming angry. He has also started retaliating at school, which although I do understand why, he shouldn’t be behaving this way. He is definitely not achieving his potential academically either.

My youngest is due to start the same school in two years time.

We cannot afford private school ourselves but my parents have offered to pay for my middle child. My oldest child wouldn’t want to move schools anyway so I don’t think they would mind but I have no idea how my youngest will fair.

Would I be unreasonable to take them up on their very kind offer? I worry it’s not fair on my other two children but I also don’t want to deprive him of something that could be fantastic for him.

Any advice greatly appreciated

My oldest has luckily never had to be protected. The difference between the classes makes it feel like a different school completely sometimes.

Personally I would select a different state primary for your middle and youngest to start at and leave your eldest where they are if you’re adamant they can’t be moved. That way once the eldest goes to secondary you’re left with the younger 2 in the same school.

I think for me, the fact that your oldest child doesn't want to move school makes the situation totally different. Because not moving the child who doesn't want to move, and moving the child who does want to move IS doing the best for BOTH children. Moving the one you feel is most unhappy, but not moving the other because you think they are happier and can't afford to is not!

I know a family of 2 brothers where this happened and there is no resentment as adults. In fact they are both in equally successful careers. The fact that your eldest doesn’t want to move makes things easier . Honestly I would take them up on the offer, so sorry your child is going through that, bullying is awful.

“We are lucky that there is an outstanding secondary school close by that has always been our long term plan for the kids.”

In that case, I wouldn’t hesitate to send the second one to a private school - although it will still be a bit of a culture shock when he gets to secondary!

This just doesn't work with 3 children. I'd move to another state school for your middle one.

If it’s your only option for a child who is absolutely suffering, I think it’s fine. But personally in your situation I’d give the school a big push, get the governors involved etc. you know it can be a good school - it has been for your other child - help them fix it. Then consider alternative state provision before jumping into such inequity between your kids. But as a last resort - you do anything you have to.

Also, for your parents kind offer - without taking anything for granted, might they be willing to support all your children with extra curricular? I think the strongest protection against difficulties at school can actually from having friends and fun outside of it. That way you can build all your kids up for a fraction of the cost? Just an idea, and like I say, not all grandparents would agree.

There wouldn't be a cat in hell's chance I'd send the youngest there

Get both of them in a different school. The management and behaviour policy is inadequate

I would agree. Your DC would probably not really be aware of the difference between private and state at primary level, only that your middle one was unhappy at their school so went to a different one. The awareness comes in at secondary level and as there is a good state option for them all there shouldn't be a problem.

I love how people just assume that there is another primary school reasonably close by that has open spaces (and less problems with behaviour)….
State and private is easy in terms of drop off/collection as state school days are so much shorter. Two state schools is going to be an issue.

I’d never want my DCs’ education to be dependent on extended family members’ goodwill and wealth. It’s tens of thousands of pounds, if not a hundred, for one DC. Too much risk for the DC. Also won’t be ideal for DC2 returning to state for secondary when many peers will be in private.

I’d seek to resolve the problem with the school or move to another state school.

I think the difference at primary between state and private is even more marked. How will your state kids feel when their brother gets weeks and weeks more holiday than them? How will you sort childcare? In primary the curriculum is so much broader and taught by specialist teachers. The privately educated brother will get amazing sports, clubs and forest school. His classes will be half the size. It's enough that the kids really will notice.

Yes I will speak to the school first. I do feel for his class teacher as she is lovely but it must be hard to teach when there is so much bad behaviour in the class.

Yes they would and do support with extra curricular activities so I/they are very lucky.

Unless it’s an offer open to all of them don’t do it because then it just amounts to favouritism. Your eldest isn’t suffering now but what if that changes in a year? If you can only afford to send one which child’s happiness and safety is more important.

What if DS2 doesn’t cope at the new private school, given that he is retaliating?

Not a chance I’d treat my children differently, it’s all or nothing, I’d rather look for a different state school for that child.

i know a family who sent one child private and the others state school, total waste of money, she really rebelled and ended up a parent at 17. She resented being different from her siblings and even now struggles with her siblings due to being treated differently as a child.

Yes that is certainly a concern. However after being hit with hands and objects, spat at, pulled, scratched, pinched, had his personal items taken, been pushed over and called vile names on numerous occasions, he has only retaliated twice (that I know of). I do tell him it’s always best to tell a teacher but I can’t blame him for snapping back. I just really don’t want that to become a more regular occurrence as I’m worried he will think the only way to deal with it is to hit harder or strike first.

I am normally against only sending one child to private school but where there is a clear need to protect him from physical attacks and to prevent the emotional damage you are starting to witness, it is the best option.

As long as they all end up in the same state secondary school, you are eradicating the unfair advantage and opportunities a private education would offer. So it all balances out in the end and there shouldn’t be any resentment among the children as they grow up.

Given how severe the situation is, you need a quick solution. If a state school transfer isn’t feasible now (i.e. the next halfterm) you have 3 choices

• accept that your middle child is getting no decent education AND is getting hurt on a daily basis to potentially protect the feelings of the oldest (which will certainly build up resentment in the middle one)
• homeschool
• go private for the middle one - but explain to them why (i.e. to protect from abuse - the oldest doesn’t have that problem)

Not a great situation, but it is where you are. Treating children equally doesn’t mean providing exactly the same to each other- it’s about providing what they need. Oldest needs the safety of his class, middle one needs rescuing from his!

Your poor little boy! I would certainly look at moving schools, to the other state or take up your parents offer - whichever works best for you. (We went different routes for our 2 boys and they were both entirely happy with it. Perhaps we were fortunate as they are both very different personalities - one wanted/needed to move, the other didn't.) However it's clear that this situation isn't going to change quickly and is affecting him a lot.

Best of luck.

Are you in a one form entry? It can really distort the experience depending on class. I’ve got one in a very challenging class and one in a lovely class. I wished I’d moved the one in a challenging class earlier. The issues emerged in year 1 and have got worse each year. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t move her for year 3 into prep. I used to always be of the view that things needed to be equal but the variation within a single school can be just as big.

OP - I have personal experience of this. My younger brother was sent to private school (my grandparents helped pay for it) and I went to a state school because my brother wasn't doing well at school and I was. I didn't mind it at all and was happy with the set-up. Both my brother and I did really well in our schools and went to top unis. I'm very proud of my little brother and have a great relationship with my parents, so clearly it did no harm.

I’m one of four. My parents sent the youngest child (and only boy) to private school. It has fucked all of our relationships our entire lives because one child was prioritised, given a higher status, more opportunities in life and in every way was elevated above us. Do not do this OP it is not worth it.

I wonder if family would pay for wraparound care if the other state school suits and has a place?

Otherwise, yes. I'd go ahead. Sounds as if your eldest has an age appropriate understanding of the problem already, and they'll be back together at secondary.

I think parents sending the message that girls are inferior by sending boys only to private is a completely different scenario. I suspect that where people single one child out as special, schools are only one part of the favoritism and imbalance. This is a different situation.