SAHP and division of household tasks

[Theo92r]

This might be in the wrong place, perhaps it should be in parenting or relationships?

I've been reading threads about how working parents split the load with the SAHP when at home/not working and realised that can't be further from the case for me.

I'm the SAHP. Partner WFH. 3 kids: newborn, toddler, and a teenager. I'm on shift 24/7 atm with nightfeeds, but even before the newborn was here, my day would start when toddler was up (usually 7am) and finished after I clean the kitchen after dinner (we eat late due teenager's sporting commitments 4 evenings a week) so I'd finish cleaning most days between 9pm-10pm). They also have a full day of sports every Saturday, so I don't get much respite then either. My partner would sometimes help with dishes, bedtime, laundry, very occasionally he'll cook. But this has always been infrequent and irregular, and often only if I asked. 90% of household stuff has always fallen on me regardless or whether partner was at work or not. He does all taxi-ing for teeneager mind you, and often is the one to drop us off at hospital appointments since I don't drive. During weekends, he'd rarely sort breakfast even on the Sunday we're all at home together in the morning.

I actually didn't realise other SAHP had a different set up! Stupid really. But I suppose I saw my mum and aunts do the same, and assumed it was the norm.

Just wanted to discuss with other SAHP!

Due to the large age gaps between my 3 DS, I stayed at home for over 20 years (although I also volunteered for 20 years).

However, during that time I made sure I got a lie-in on either a Saturday or Sunday and that my DH did some regular housework chores.

Then when the boys were old enough, I made sure they did some too.

It was important to me that they saw a division of housework between me and their dad, and that they didn't just see it as 'women's work'.

They're adults now and only our 22 year old DS lives at home, but he'll always do some housework on one of his days off if he's home, and I'm back at work full-time so it's shared equally between me and DH.

Being the earner whilst the spouse is a sahp isn’t a free pass to get out of all childcare/household responsibilities! Yes the sahp should take on the majority of responsibilities during the day when the other person is out at work but in the evenings and weekends, they need to be involved in household chores and childcare, however they choose to split that - eg specific tasks belong to specific people or just general mucking in. Yes they’ve been at work all day, but the sahp has also been working - on parenting and housework all day.
When you have a young baby it’s especially important that the working parent helps out as it can be difficult to get much done with a baby around and it can be utterly exhausting for the parent that’s with them all day long.

This is interesting! It definitely was more balanced beforw child number 2 came along. I went back to work between child 1 and 2 and me and partner shared the load (both financial and at home) more evenly. It hasn't been until became a SAHP that this disparity has arisen. Perhaps I need to get back to "real" work!

You don't need to get back to work unless you want to.

But you both need to have a serious think about how your DC view you both and the contributions you make to family life.

Plus, if you love someone it's not cool to treat them like the household servant.

Even if I was working 24/7 and my DH wasn't, I just couldn't let him do everything for me.

It's no way to treat someone you view as your equal.

There's no normal and it's whatever works for you and the family.

If the current arrangement doesn't work for you then it's time to have a conversation. Your teenager can also chip in.

Some of the issues are due to your Ds having commitments 4x evenings and all day Saturday. Presumably as you don’t drive it’s your DP who’s ferrying him around to these things?
So while he's doing that you're on toddler bedtime duties? I would tell your DP that you're going to take turn to have a lie in at the weekend - but if hes got to get up to drive DS, then how would either of you actually get one?
When I cook I clean as I go along so that after we've eaten all that needs to be done is pop the plates in the dishwasher. It wont take him or teen DS more than a couple of minutes to do this. As a SAHM, I would expect you to be doing the lions share of the household tasks although a newborn in the mix would mean DP needs to do more until the baby is a little more into a routine.

So the only way for that to work would be to both equally take on paid employment!

Shamelessly place marking. I’m pregnant with no 3 and my DH is utterly shit and I’m trying to leave him. I do everything for our kids, everything in the house and the only thing I get from him is I work. I hope your partner is better than mine OP.

I don't think both people need to take on paid employment in order for someone to be able to treat their partner like they aren't a servant. That's insane!

When I was a SAHM, my DH pitched in whenever he could because that was the right thing to do and it was easy enough for him to do this. If OP worked then her DH would have no choice and would cope fine like lots of other working parents do up and down the country. It's really petty and disturbing if your life partner won't help out doing shared household duties and looking after their own kids because our of principal they think you should be doing it.

Not true.

I’m not saying they should split 50/50 or even anywhere near, but that he needs to not leave everything to her.

It’s unfair and a very poor example to the kids.

I think I've been on autopilot mode since child 2 was born. I've burnt myself out, but I don't see how logistically it could work any other way with child 1's commitments? I'm at home 4 evenings a week, and an entire Saturday with 2 under 2.

It's difficult without the village/extended family/support network you can rely on.

I was a SAHM for seven years. I did absolutely everything. We had two children and dh was out from 7am to 9pm.

After 16 years doing a demanding job in the City, quite honestly I had never had so much free time. I didn't find it the least bit arduous and both dc were poor sleepers.

It literally took minutes to make and tidy after breakfast, I tidied as we went along, spent hours at the park and baby/toddler groups, the laundry was a doddle. DH had what the DC had for tea - they grew up eating what we ate.

I was fortunate in that I had a cleaner but I did the ironing until I went back to work.

I always did all appointments, parents' evenings, domestic load, baths and bedtime, etc. The house was always spotless, tidy and organised.

No family close by at all and when the IL's visited there were two house guests.

By the time dd was at nursery I ran a creche, Sunday School, organised a school activity and helped at school with reading. That's when I decided it was time to go back to work and be paid for my services. When I did I still did everything because DH worked longer than me outside the house. We had equal free time.

"I had a cleaner"

"My house was always spotless"

🙄

Start with the principal that you should have equal amounts of time off, if you don’t, then that is not equal and needs to be fixed.

I’d expect him to at least one of Friday and Saturday night as part of his load.

🥇

Here you go.

Home alone* that's meant to read

The teenagers sports commitments are dominating family life. What can be re worked there? Taxis? Go with friends taking it in turns. Doing less? I appreciate you will want to support your teenager but no one person should be more important than the rest of the family. There must be a compromise.

Depending on times can dh put other children to bed so you're clocking off earlier? Before they even go to the sports?

I really disagree with the idea that whoever is at home needs to be doing eveything under the sun as if they are a single just because the other person (usually male)works. Before you Met your husband he would of worked, fed himself kept the house clean done his own washing. He didn't procreate and lose those skills. If anything when children come along you learn to do everything quicker and efficient.

The person who is staying home is doing childcare. Yeah if it works in they can put a wash load on but if they can't because they've been too busy taking care of the child/children then it gets done as a team when the other parent is back to either do it or take the kids.

If your partner doesn't see how unfair things are then I'm afraid he won't change unless they face some hard consequences and does the hard work of self refelction. Because its not kind and loving to treat someone unequally and like a slave. Its disrespectful.

Unfortunately if their immediate environment friends and family all echo back your normal then it's unlikely he will see it. It will be easier to say your being unreasonable because Janet down the road has always slaved away for her husband. ( yet they always act shocked when janet suddenly just ups and leaves her husband and would rather be single)

I'm a SAHP now with a high needs teen, but we both worked for many years.

I think a lot of it comes down to attitude and respect. I cook nearly every night, usually while DH is still working, then he washes up every night. While he does that he'll encourage me to chill out for a bit but some days I will sort washing or something. We will divvy out jobs like dropping teens vs cooking dinner depending on who fancies doing what, and I get a lot of say in this. My husband will often ask me to pick which job I'd rather, and he does the other. Other times I will do the same to him. I do a lot of the mental load stuff but he will always try to fit in covering appointments etc rather than assuming I will do it, and he always checks with me before booking in a work thing that puts any expectation on me, such as needing me to pick up DC. We both try to lean in and do more than our fair share, and not take each other for granted. I feel this is much more important than how many meals I cook in a week.

We do a lot of thanking in our house, even for mundane and frequent jobs.

If your husband is working an 8 hour day and you are doing a 16 hour day then that's not right. However if a SAHP is getting a lot of chill time in the day (not going to be happening with such young children) then it might be reasonable for them to cook, wash up and do bedtime. But right now, with a newborn and 2 other DC, I would expect it to be all hands to the pumps just to get through the day, and you should not be cooking, washing up and doing bedtime after all day with a newborn and toddler. The question for you is whether this drudgery you feel is a temporary thing while you have a newborn, with everyone doing their best to stay afloat and giving what they can, or is it endemic of a bigger inequality problem in the marriage.

So you had a cleaner who kept your house spotless, allowing you to get on with other things without getting frazzled and run down.

When I did I still did everything because DH worked longer than me outside the house. We had equal free time.

No, you did everything because your husband was happy to sit back and treat you like a mug.

Terrible example to set your DC.

I was a sahm when kids were preschool age and I did do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, housework etc. DH would do bath and bedtime, look after them more on a weekend so I could both chill and also do housework. We took one lie in per each per weekend. He also used to get up with toddler and baby between 6am-8am when I was dealing with broken sleep. I did all night feeds. We were a team though. It was hard, but I usually felt that DH pulled his weight.

Newborn and toddler is brutal though. It’s all hands on deck for those stages (which I barely remember). DH would’ve done a lot more cooking, cleaning, toddler wrangling at that point.

My kids are older now and have evening activities, so I would find that challenging to fit in with little ones schedules. We take turns taking them to things and making dinner etc.

I’m a SAHM, with a bit of voluntary work on the side. I do all laundry, all cleaning, 90% of the cooking and grocery shopping, all school stuff, all the kid related admin (booking activities, buying clothes, parties, play dates, building relationships with other parents etc etc), all the child taxiing around and about 50% of the household, holiday and car admin. I do children if they’re awake in the night, though these days that’s only if they’re sick. And I do the majority of the emotional labour, school liaison and medical appointments with our autistic child who needs a lot of input.

DH does garden stuff, 95% of the financial stuff, about 50% of household, holiday and car admin, all bins and recycling, 90% of the dishwasher and he gets up with the kids most mornings. He cooks and shops occasionally. And of course he works 9-6.

When we had newborn and toddler though it looked a bit different - we split the night wakings, he did much more cooking and shopping (and we ate a lot of takeaways or convenience foods) and the house just didn’t get cleaned much! Weekends were shared for who got free time and DH certainly did a turn at soft play or park trips with little ones on a Saturday morning.

I think having children at such different stages is going to be tough however you slice it - when I had baby and toddler they were asleep in the evenings and I had nap times to use. I had no commitments to anyone so if I wanted to spend the day in pjs because the baby didn’t sleep that was fine - life entirely revolved around baby schedule. It was still really hard work until youngest started their 15 hours at nursery age 3 and I got some free time. If I was simultaneously parenting a teen with all their commitments and school and different parenting input needed I wouldn’t have coped.

It’s not a support network thing though - you surely don’t imagine most people have a “village” or extended family that’s doing their laundry and ferrying a teenager and caring for a newborn on a regular basis? It’s a “choosing to have a newborn and a toddler while already having a teenager” thing. Having two little ones just is brutally hard work for a while anyway but if you’re going to run your life around a teenagers commitments as well then of course it’s hard. As the children grow up in a couple of years it should all become easier.

Totally agree with this.

Possibly combined with a husband choosing to be absent. Does the teen really require him there all day every Saturday? Are you the teen's mum too, did you sometimes do the Saturdays before the baby was born?