In laws coming round

[Jackofallmasterofnone]

Okay, where to start. A few years ago I sent a very polite message to my mother in law asking her to stop turning up unannounced at our home. She'd caught us mid movie day with the kid, caught me in a state of undress, interrupted us being intimate etc. plus I'm a grown woman with my own family and I don't enjoy entertaining others for a couple of hours with no notice.

Anyway, since then, she's just stopped coming around all together. All I'd asked for was a quick text saying "thinking of coming over in 10, are you about?"
She thinks this is unreasonable and has talked about behind my back to the extended family but never raised it with me, she just didn't reply and stopped coming over. My partner had tried to deal with it first a few times but she brushed him off and he was taking too long to put his foot down, so I sent the text.

MIL and I get along perfectly well even after the text, although it obviously upset her.

Skip forward a few years and we've got two more kids, she and her husband still don't bother. My partner is upset by this for obvious reasons.

We lost a pregnancy in September and his Mum and brother were less than supportive, let's leave that there. It's left me with quite a sore spot towards them and no apologies from them despite me trying to smooth things over from my end, it hasn't been reciprocated, just more ignoring the situation and pretending it's all normal.

So that's the background.

Over the last few kids birthdays and Christmas there's been a row between my partner and I.

My partner says he feels there's a rift between him and his family and they don't see the kids, I understand this, but I don't feel that's my issue to sort. I feel he should arrange visits with his family. I used to arrange things with his family but frankly, since the incidents mentioned during the miscarriage I'm taking a back seat, I told him this and he's fully supportive of that.
I will still go and be cordial during these visits, but I just won't sort them out.

Because of this we're seeing his family less than ever.

It's our child's birthday tomorrow, he's having a friend over all day, going out to the arcades and having a sleepover.

Partners sister just text, the night before, saying when shall we all come over tomorrow.

I'll admit I didn't have the most delicate reaction. This happens regularly on events, like Christmas and the kids birthdays. I've made plans, the child is looking forward to said plans, then a bomb drops the night before/day of event, saying we're all descending, what time (not from MIL of course, texting to ask to come around is beneath her)

So I basically say, why are we putting your family ahead of our kids? It's their birthday, why am I going to interrupt their fun for an hour or two just because your family insist on seeing him that day?
Can't they come the following day in the afternoon when we're all free and he can see them? Otherwise we're either ruining his birthday expectations or we're being rude and he's not sitting with them.

That is all they do aswell, sit and expect cups of tea while speaking about things in their own lives. I don't think his parents have once asked how we are/how the kids are. So no fun for a kid.

Plus, our son's sleepover friend barely knows us, let alone 4 other people and 2 small children who will suddenly be in the house. I don't think that's fair, they will feel, at best, uncomfortable.

If this has been mentioned and arranged in advance then I could have carved out some time. Admittedly, since stepping back from organising I've let them take a back seat in my head and didn't consider making the time for them, which is on me. I also feel that should have been considered by my partner and he shouldn't be giving me grief about it now though.....

So AIBU to ask my partner to sort seeing his family around our family plans rather than rearrange our plans, last minute, to suit them?
I feel like he's putting them above anyone in our own home because he didn't want to be the bad guy...... But he doesn't realise he's then putting his own family a very definite second place.

Well I hope you're raising your son to make arrangements with his own family rather than expecting your DiL to do it. Hardly a big ask, men aren't expected to do this crap for their wives.

I cannot imagine a man posting on here because he'd made and arranged all these plans for his sons birthday, and when his wife fails to invite her parents, being told he should have done it and how sad it is for his wife and her parents that he didn't.

I expect would-b visitors to arrange mutually convenient times to get together regardless of who they are. That's hardly "drama."

We all don't go through life as passive doormats.

Why are you making life so hard. Have a family birthday party for your child. Pizzas fine. Ice cream cake. Omg. Life shouldn’t be this complicated.

What complete and utter hogwash.

He needs to be on side completely not pander to their demanding behaviour
Have another chat with him

https://captainawkward.com/2022/05/16/1377-hosting-two-families-with-different-conceptions-of-time/

Might be helpful

It sounds as though the in laws will never be able to do right by you. That their responses, actions, their very presence, irks you. I agree with other comments, let your partner deal with his in laws.

@Jackofallmasterofnone

"you have asked them for an explanation of their behaviour"??!!!

God you're hard work. No wonder they don't want to pop round anymore.

Why are you making everything so difficult?!

I agree with you that this should be on your husband to sort, but I like this message as it involves doing the bare minimum to ensure they get the message that it's not convenient for them to come over, while also passing the buck very clearly to your husband to make an arrangement with them. It sounds as though your husband will either do nothing or agree for them to come tomorrow (today?) otherwise.

Have you read any of the OPs threads properly?
Why should anyone put up with the drap she's been handed by the MiL?
A child gets a say in it's own boirthday, surely? Or do you think it's acceptable to force children into a family jelly and ice-cream scenario?

This
My family walk in my house ,I walk in there's uninvited i wouldn't want it any other way.
No wonder your MIL is peeved.

You’re being unreasonable in deliberately letting it turn into a problem for every event.

You know it’s coming - you can include it in the planning for the day and get him to do the communicating.

Current set up is deliberately being difficult and regularly causing problems.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting them to regularly just turn up with zero notice and expect to be hosted for a couple of hours. Where you fucked up is - you were the one to tell them to stop. That was 100% your DH’s job and if he hadn’t been such a wet wipe and left it to you, I suspect your relationship with your in laws would be a lot better.

As for the birthday - I think you should have organised it with family in mind and kept space in the day for them to be able to see DC. My DD is a self absorbed teen and even she wants to see grandparents on her birthday. But as it stands, DH should just respond and organise something for the day after once the friend has gone home, doesn’t need to be another big drama.

Op i use to have this exact same issue. The inlaws had zero respect for our space or plans. I made a point of arranging a day in advance for them to come over with a date and time inviting them over because they would ruin everything you planned. But why can't we pop over, go to the restaurant earlier, can't you go another day... comments like this that would drive me insane.
As for your husband, its his fault you're in this mess. Too much of a coward to open his mouth himself so you end up being the bad guy and on top of it all he has the nerve to be annoyed with you and not them. A reasonable person doesn't come over without asking first. You're not in the wrong op but sadly as they are all family they will gather round you like a pack of wolves rather then admit wrong doing.

I think it’s quite normal for family to want to pop in on a birthday, why make it so difficult?

Can’t you invite them over sometimes? It would then be convenient for you and they would feel welcome

Obviously their behaviour when you miscarried wasn’t great. I’m sorry about that.

With regards to the planning/dropping in- this is just a clash of culture/expectations. You like to plan but they like spontaneity. They feel that the shouldn’t have to make an appointment. My lovely SIL is not British and she explained how hard it was for her to adapt to this, she thought it was so strange and unwelcoming that people had to book in to see family. It’s worth thinking of it from their point of view.

If you don’t want this rift to deepen you need to think about how you can manage this. Good luck.

Yes he needs to sort it. His family. He sorts it. He is an adult.

We had this early on in our relationship, pre kids. Caused a few rows but DH eventually got the message. We do however have a shared calendar so at least we could see what the plans are and ask each other before committing.

It is very reasonable to ask for a quick text beforehand to check OP and family are free before coming over. It's OK to value your privacy. The drama is coming from MIL who has thrown her toys out of the pram and now refuses to visit at all. What an overreaction.

Totally agree

You make arrangements with the most important people in your child's life first I.e. your husbands side of the family. Prioritising a random child that might not be in his life in a year is all wrong. You sound spiteful and like you want to punish them and have control over them.

I’m with you OP, I don’t like people turning up unannounced and so our families always give a quick check that it’s convenient. MIL has a key but even then would never just turn up without checking first.

I gave a key to my dad’s house, who only lives a few minutes away but I never just turn up. I think it’s rude to just turn up somewhere.

I think re birthdays you need to preempt it really. A couple of weeks before, ask them over at a time which suits you. Control the situation. If you wait then it’s kind of understandable that they’ll then ask the day before as they’ve not been offered a time.

But your DH really should step up and communicate with his family! It shouldn’t all sit with you.

What the hell are you on about?

Knock the Christmas entertaining on the head too.

Do nothing going forward.
Leave EVERYTHING to him.
Good luck, they sound awful.

Are you an entitled MIL by any chance...? It's not an appointment, it's called making arrangements. You think just because you're related you're entitled to barge in whenever you fancy?