In laws coming round

[Jackofallmasterofnone]

Okay, where to start. A few years ago I sent a very polite message to my mother in law asking her to stop turning up unannounced at our home. She'd caught us mid movie day with the kid, caught me in a state of undress, interrupted us being intimate etc. plus I'm a grown woman with my own family and I don't enjoy entertaining others for a couple of hours with no notice.

Anyway, since then, she's just stopped coming around all together. All I'd asked for was a quick text saying "thinking of coming over in 10, are you about?"
She thinks this is unreasonable and has talked about behind my back to the extended family but never raised it with me, she just didn't reply and stopped coming over. My partner had tried to deal with it first a few times but she brushed him off and he was taking too long to put his foot down, so I sent the text.

MIL and I get along perfectly well even after the text, although it obviously upset her.

Skip forward a few years and we've got two more kids, she and her husband still don't bother. My partner is upset by this for obvious reasons.

We lost a pregnancy in September and his Mum and brother were less than supportive, let's leave that there. It's left me with quite a sore spot towards them and no apologies from them despite me trying to smooth things over from my end, it hasn't been reciprocated, just more ignoring the situation and pretending it's all normal.

So that's the background.

Over the last few kids birthdays and Christmas there's been a row between my partner and I.

My partner says he feels there's a rift between him and his family and they don't see the kids, I understand this, but I don't feel that's my issue to sort. I feel he should arrange visits with his family. I used to arrange things with his family but frankly, since the incidents mentioned during the miscarriage I'm taking a back seat, I told him this and he's fully supportive of that.
I will still go and be cordial during these visits, but I just won't sort them out.

Because of this we're seeing his family less than ever.

It's our child's birthday tomorrow, he's having a friend over all day, going out to the arcades and having a sleepover.

Partners sister just text, the night before, saying when shall we all come over tomorrow.

I'll admit I didn't have the most delicate reaction. This happens regularly on events, like Christmas and the kids birthdays. I've made plans, the child is looking forward to said plans, then a bomb drops the night before/day of event, saying we're all descending, what time (not from MIL of course, texting to ask to come around is beneath her)

So I basically say, why are we putting your family ahead of our kids? It's their birthday, why am I going to interrupt their fun for an hour or two just because your family insist on seeing him that day?
Can't they come the following day in the afternoon when we're all free and he can see them? Otherwise we're either ruining his birthday expectations or we're being rude and he's not sitting with them.

That is all they do aswell, sit and expect cups of tea while speaking about things in their own lives. I don't think his parents have once asked how we are/how the kids are. So no fun for a kid.

Plus, our son's sleepover friend barely knows us, let alone 4 other people and 2 small children who will suddenly be in the house. I don't think that's fair, they will feel, at best, uncomfortable.

If this has been mentioned and arranged in advance then I could have carved out some time. Admittedly, since stepping back from organising I've let them take a back seat in my head and didn't consider making the time for them, which is on me. I also feel that should have been considered by my partner and he shouldn't be giving me grief about it now though.....

So AIBU to ask my partner to sort seeing his family around our family plans rather than rearrange our plans, last minute, to suit them?
I feel like he's putting them above anyone in our own home because he didn't want to be the bad guy...... But he doesn't realise he's then putting his own family a very definite second place.

Anyway, I'm coming off here now. Thank you for all the advice and opinion. I just wanted to get an outside perspective because this keeps on happening. I know that's not fully possible without all the nitty gritty info but there's only so much I wanted to share on here. Thanks again.

You need to direct your ire at your husband. He is the one who has been too lazy to organise anything with his family. Of course they're going to want to see your son for his birthday so he needs to take control of the situation.

In future, I would meet any texts from his family like this with a response like this: 'I asked DH to organise a time with you. Today doesn't work but I'll let you figure out a different time with him.'

Or just do a family party where both sets of family come and see him.

You're giving this far too much thought. It's on your boyfriend to sort contact with his relatives.
Does he sort visits with your relatives? If not, why would you be involved with doing this for him?
Is he typing long posts about relatives online asking for advice, or just getting on with his life?

Thank you, it is directed at him, I love that they want to come see our son, it's just the lack of foreplanning that I struggle with, that's on him.

The texts go to him, not to me, so I don't feel I should be the one to respond or I look like I'm steamrolling him.

Best think me and dh did was agree ils were never mentioned...
Made for a more harmonious life.
Then we went nc.. Bliss. Get a calander and fill it in weekly. Tell dh when the dc are free for him to go visit his family.

I don’t know people lead very busy lives these days. I don’t know anyone who pops over.

Sounds like your DH needs to step up with his communication and be more proactive … surely he knew they’d want to see your son for his birthday so could have thought to text in advance and make plans!
Also they could of as well!
Just seems like a family who don’t know how to communicate and your stuck in the middle.

I would take a massive step back especially when they’ve treated you poorly and carry on with the plans you’ve already made.

I hope your son has a wonderful day!

My DIL does now and again . If I told her not to do that I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy . Anyway , I like it . I’ll never say no to seeing my grandkids .

This. I always think people that are ok with random visits must have such regimented, tidy lives. Also, the kids have their weekend plans. Why do they get pushed aside for relatives visiting? Hardly fair. The birthday is planned. Bloody well stop glory-seeking and pick a different day!

Thats all very main character energy. So they come over and you’re watching a film? Big whoop. You’re having sex? Funny anecdote. You’re in your sloppy clothes? Who gives a shit? Jeez. No wonder your MIL stopped bothering.

I’m slightly more sympathetic about your not wanting them to hijack your kid’s birthday but this is where emotional intelligence helps. If you’d even met them half way along the line, and communicated with empathy and cooperation they might too. Yes, it’s DH job but you clearly married a dud and it’s you posting on MN about it.

That text you sent was awful - I wonder if you’ll be that MIL one day and I wonder how you’d feel? No, not the bravado answer ‘I’d be fine with it’ but the real sucker punch of some random telling you that you had to make an appointment to see your own flesh and blood…

Yabu.

@Jackofallmasterofnone the Relationships board is a supportive place as opposed to AIBU. I totally get it. The difference between my family visiting, who will make themselves drinks when they want one and make you one too to my PIL who expect to be waited on hand and foot even when you have just given birth is poles apart.

Even in Dh's childhood home, we are banned from the kitchen, even worse for Dh it is like he never lived there. My Mum had a key to my house but she would never have turned up unannounced she would always ring or text to ask if she could come over. My family act like family, PIL act like guests.

Your partner needs to text them back to say you cannot do tomorrow but how about Sunday and give a time slot. Take control of it.

Totally agree!!

I'm so glad I live a life where I can just pop round to my parents and kids whenever I fancy. So sad your kids won't have lovely childhood memories of their Grandparents and wider family, building those bonds that last a lifetime was the priority for me bringing up my kids, not movie night and 'getting intimate'.

Hopefully your in laws have a wonderful close relationship with the other child, maybe DH will get a shock when he sees their will when the time comes.

You didn’t have the decency to explain yourself to her face to face in a more softer expression but decided to send her a cold hearted text out of the blue . I don’t blame her to stop visiting. I wouldn’t have bothered either !

They arent going to change
Your DH wont send a text saying you are busy but how about xyz
You dont want to send a text saying you are busy DH will send some times you are all free

I dont see how it can be resolved..I think you are being reasonable, I think DH is less reasonable as he is hiding from managing his family, but its understandable he doesnt want a row…but if no one communicates with the in laws they wont ever learn what your boundaries are (planning more in advance than the night before)

Someone is going to have to compromise. How about a joint message from the both of you to the in laws… is there a way to jointly message that you are comfortable with?

I don’t know anyone who gets unannounced visits by their family. Even if it’s just a phone call to ask if somebody is around and can be visited … if they’re already away or have plans, that’s also fine.

so if they call a day in advance and OP and the kid have plans, then they need to find another slot. Don’t really get your problem. If you want to be spontaneous you have to factor in the other side might not be available on such short notice.

I disagree completely with you. I get on really well with my children, their spouses and the grandchildren, who we look after quite a lot. I would never just turn up. A short phone message is much better. Life is not like it used to be. Usually both parents work and are very busy. They are entitled to their own private life. They could have friends round or be out. We also have keys to our children’s homes but would not let ourselves in unless it had been prearranged.
Why can’t you send a message? What would you do if you turned up and they were having some private time?

If they were having ‘private time’ (retch) they either wouldn’t answer the door or they’d get over it. The world wouldn’t end.

Yes, it’s probably better to message in advance, but it shouldn’t be an excommunication crime to pop by on the off chance either. 🙄

Why would you pop in without send a one minute text …Are you free. Can we pop over?
Can you just not accept that people don’t always feel like having visitors?
Sorry but I didn’t just mean sex when I said private time. It could be an important private discussion that needs to be had at that moment. Clearly some people on here don’t have them often enough.

Did you read the bit where the in-laws turned up unannounced when OP was having sex? OP is not asking for a formal booking in the form of a ‘2.15pm-5.30pm on the 27th August’ appointment, just for them to not turn up at the front door totally unannounced. A text at 10 saying can we head over in a hour, perhaps. Surely it’s not difficult to understand that?! Perhaps you also just turn up on the step at people’s homes and have no idea how rude it is, who knows.

I think you need to remember one day you will be an in-law and especially if you have a Son .
Treat the in-laws how you want to be treated .
I would be gutted if I couldn’t see my Grandchild on their birthday . I don’t think you should have to plan to see them , it should be just a given , it’s their day and their family will want to see them , especially if they have had a lot of involvement in their lives .but then I also know not every family is like mine .

I think family are important and most kids have 2 sides . Sometimes it’s nice to be nice . I would be making time for your child to be seeing their family and I would hope my future DIL would treat me with the same respect .

The world didn’t end and no one died when OP texted to let her MIL know that a brief notice of the intention to come would be welcome.

The reactive anger when OP snd her husband ask for a little respect for their time snd privacy is just astounding to me.

I don't ever just turn up at my parents' house, or siblings' either. Would be a bit of a waste of time, they might be out / working / busy / not in the mood. My Dad sometimes texts if he's in London for work to see if he can drop by for a cup of tea and chat, but he's never just rocked up. And he's not offended if we say not tonight, he just texts next time he's around. I would be a bit annoyed if, say, I was trying to finish dinner, DH was held up at work, there was a spelling test learning crisis, I had an early start the next day and someone just turned up unannounced!

I think it’s best to work with everyone and let everyone close know the expectations. It changes as children grow older. IME I have to tell DH what is happening and write a plan. When DC are small then GP help with parties and join in, help with same, help to tidy after and take things back to house then DC open presents and we all have easy food and cake as DC open gifts. As they get older 7/8 + then GP are not involved in activities/ parties so we have a separate birthday tea with them. This has worked well with DSis and hopefully will be similar this year for us. We don’t have a huge family though - DSis and her children, DB and partner and both GPs. My DS and DB children are now 8 and older so don’t have big events so GPs come for cake and tea then their children have cinema, air thrill, sleepovers or whatever but GP not involved (and absolutely wouldn’t want to be 🤪.