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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is due to ADHD?

34 replies

Bollocksmorelike · 07/02/2025 19:50

My colleague has ADHD. It can be challenging to work with her as she talks over me, interrupts me and often stops listening as soon as she has finished her sentence, so if I talk she ain’t listening 😆. She struggles with time management and is quite chaotic.
But I like her, we are all fond of her in the office and support her as best we can.
Anyway, my question is, can the following be excused due to ADHD.
She will regularly suggest that I buy her a coffee, or a snack. Absolutely no problem, happy to do that. But then two/three hours later she will say she is popping out for a coffee/snack but won’t offer to get me anything. I have mentioned on her return (as she carries her hot coffee passed me) “oh, did you get me one?” and she looked genuinely shocked and said “oh god, I didn’t even think about you, I will go back and get you something “. Yet the habit doesn’t change.
This is not a financial issue, we have free drinks and snacks, but prefer the take aways from down the street.
It does feel like she is focused on getting her own drink and hasn’t thought about the etiquette involved. But my OH thinks she is just a CF and she knows exactly what she is doing.
So AIBU?
YABU…..she is totally taking the piss, deliberately.
YANBU…Cut her some slack, it’s the ADHD causing this.

OP posts:
somewhereinsuburbia · 07/02/2025 19:51

Doesn't sound like it to me, sounds like selfishness

ssd · 07/02/2025 19:55

Surely ADHD isnt a one size fits all?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 07/02/2025 19:56

Occasionally I could forgive, but if its every time? I’m thinking shes a CF.

What do you say when she says she’ll pop back out and get you something? If I were you I’d always pull her up on it and when she says “oops, I’ll go back out” say yes thank you, I’ll have a latte and a muffin.

Don’t let her get away with it and then you’ll see if she’s hoping to get away without reciprocating or she’s just genuinely in her own little world.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 07/02/2025 20:01

No she just sounds rude. I would stop buying her coffee and a snack if she’s too tight to ever get you one

Tiredforfive45 · 07/02/2025 20:02

It sounds like their is more about inattentiveness and self-focus rather than deliberate selfishness. ADHD can definitely contribute to this—people with ADHD often struggle with social reciprocity, not because they don’t care, but because they’re hyper-focused on their own immediate needs and impulses. When she asks you to get her something, she’s in that moment thinking about what she wants, but when she goes to get herself a coffee, she’s likely just focused on her craving and not making the mental connection to offer you one.

That said, ADHD isn’t a free pass for everything. If this is happening repeatedly and she’s aware of it but still not making an effort to change, it might be worth addressing directly. Next time she forgets, instead of joking about it after the fact, you could try preempting it: “Oh, if you’re going out for a coffee, I’d love one too!” and see how she responds. If she still doesn’t get the hint, then maybe your OH is right, and she’s just a bit of a CF!

LadyQuackBeth · 07/02/2025 20:08

I wouldn't put it down to cheekiness, you just communicate differently. She asks directly, so expects you to ask directly if you want something.

If she's ND it might explain why she's not picking up on your method of communicating, if there's one.

Try asking instead of harbouring a grudge, it's better all round.

BusMumsHoliday · 07/02/2025 20:10

Honestly, could be either. Maybe a bit of both. She may genuinely not remember you buying last time, or that might be true sometimes.

It doesn't really matter why she does it, though. If yes annoying you, you can a) calmy say that it upsets you that you often buy a snack and she doesn't reciprocate b) every other time she asks for a snack say, "ok can I borrow your card because I got the last lot" c) start saying "no, I think we should stop treating each other its hard to keep track" or d) do nothing and keep seething . All of those are perfectly polite and don't depend on attributing the behaviour to her ADHD.

MumChp · 07/02/2025 20:10

Even ND can learn to fit simple routine. She is 100% rude.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 07/02/2025 20:13

But it sounds like what she's doing/you're doing are the same?

You're not offering to get her something, she's asking. I'd assume that when she says she's popping out, she's thinking you'll ask her if you want something, same way she does with you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2025 20:16

She asks, but doesn't offer. Can you apply the same logic? Ask.

ND people struggle with mind-reading. She's happy to ask, she should be happy for you to ask.

xyz111 · 07/02/2025 20:17

LadyQuackBeth · 07/02/2025 20:08

I wouldn't put it down to cheekiness, you just communicate differently. She asks directly, so expects you to ask directly if you want something.

If she's ND it might explain why she's not picking up on your method of communicating, if there's one.

Try asking instead of harbouring a grudge, it's better all round.

Agree.

op, just ask her to get you something!

arcticpandas · 07/02/2025 20:19

Just ask her! Obviously she is a bit in her own world and doesn't think about others so just tell her straight out to get you a coffee.

Fayruh · 07/02/2025 20:22

My friend has adhd and has also never offered to buy me anything from the shop, even though I have before. Also we both went to a party recently and I overheard him tell a colleague he would offer me a lift so I could drink, as he wouldn't be drinking that night. Well, he never offered me that lift so I had to ask him for it 😂 he must have just forgot, so I do think these things could be due to adhd.

YourTruthorMine · 07/02/2025 20:25

I have ADHD and autistic traits and would 100% buy you the coffee, I might not offer you a lift, as driving to new places would set off a panic attack

Createausername1970 · 07/02/2025 20:31

Yes it could be. Or she could be stingy.

Either way, knock it on the head. Wait for her to go the the shop and ask her to get you something. Tell her it's her turn. Be polite but spell it out. If it is ADHD she will possibly look a bit surprised/confused, but will realise. If she is being stingy she will probably look cross or annoyed.

crankytoes · 07/02/2025 20:31

she will say she is popping out for a coffee/snack but won’t offer to get me anything
So why don't you ask her then? Like she does you.

Why are you just quietly waiting in the hopes she'll think of you. It is very adhd to get singularly focussed and not think of anything outside of that.

When she says she's popping out just ask her. It's weird waiting fir her to get back to ask

Amanitacae · 07/02/2025 20:41

I've got AuDHD - 100% this could be me.

By the time I've realised that I need to head out for lunch, water, coffee, toilet, whatever, because my body's signals have FINALLY created a strong enough signal to make me aware of it (usually minimum of 2 hours after I should have considered the action) I am so focussed on what I need, with the knowledge that if I get derailed again I might not do 'the thing' for another 2 hours, that asking someone else what they need wouldn't be front of my head.

I would be delighted though, if someone interrupted that with 'oooh could you get my XYZ' offering me the chance to help/offer/be generous when my own brains power doesn't always allow for that to happen.

Amanitacae · 07/02/2025 20:42

YourTruthorMine · 07/02/2025 20:25

I have ADHD and autistic traits and would 100% buy you the coffee, I might not offer you a lift, as driving to new places would set off a panic attack

Agree also 100% re. this sentiment about the lift!!!

Original poster
Bollocksmorelike · 07/02/2025 20:47

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify a few things!
I am not harbouring a grudge or getting annoyed 😆. It is more an observation, I am interested more than irritated, and I like to understand my colleagues better if I can.
I always offer if I am going but she suggests it to me, so I may say I am just popping to my car to get something and she will say “oh maybe you could go to the cafe whilst you are out, grab us coffee and cake”.
I do ask if she says she is going but often she says it to another colleague as she is leaving the next room. Or she will get it delivered without mentioning it.
I’m definitely not being weird and quietly sitting there waiting to be seen 😆

OP posts:
alwaysworthatry · 07/02/2025 20:51

honestly I'd forgive it. i have adhd and it genuinely doesn't occur to me to offer a lot of the time. A lot of people with adhd ignore their own personal needs until they're desperate (hunger, toilet, thirst) so by the point its clicked for them, thats all they can think of. fulfilling their own needs instead of thinking about others. if you asked directly though I'm sure they'd be happy to get you something.

You may find that they get you one next time anyway as adhd people will also often ruminate and worry about offending people after the fact.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/02/2025 20:56

Another AuDHD person here. I mean... does it matter why she's behaving rudely? She is, so adapt your behaviour accordingly. "Ooh, it's because of my ADHD" gets old very quickly.

ObviouslyBlooming · 07/02/2025 21:00

The fact she is happy to go back to get you a coffee tells me it’s her being inattentive, head in the clouds type of scenario rather than being a CF.

Id spark her if you want a coffee and you see her going that way.
And I’d avoid mentioning ‘oh did you get for me too’ as it must make her feel pretty shit of not having thought about it.

Jk987 · 07/02/2025 21:11

Suggesting that you buy her a drink is plain rude! Can't blame ADHD for that one!

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2025 21:13

If she is like me she is thinking of all the steps here is my routine.
Get cup.Coffee and sweetener.
Grab my coat and phone for time check.
All while my brain is noisy.
Have t break and reverse scenario.Put coat back.Loo and hand wash.
Trying to fit in other people's needs is just more on the to do list.

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 21:18

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 07/02/2025 20:01

No she just sounds rude. I would stop buying her coffee and a snack if she’s too tight to ever get you one

This, she's absolutely selfish and rude, and sounds appalling me-centric!
Am so bored now with such behaviour which seems to be 'I'm going to behave awfully then 'reasons' mean you can't address it!