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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just to move on… aibu?

27 replies

Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 16:51

Two weeks ago, I found out that my husband had been messaging a much younger woman. He said she was beautiful, incredible and the reason why he liked going to this place where she hangs out.

I saw him texting her and took his phone. When I confronted him, he laughed in my face and took himself off upstairs to bed. He then admitted the next day that he was drunk and has been drinking a bottle and a half of wine a day in secret for the last 6 months. There was nothing beyond flirting in his words but he knows how wrong this is.

He has since stopped drinking, been to AA and spoken to his sponsor daily. He has been present and helpful and he is so apologetic. He has been through a terrible trauma this year, but even so, I am oscillating between anger, frustration and sorrow. How to I begin to heal?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 07/02/2025 16:55

I’m sorry OP sounds terrible. I suggest counselling for you individually and as a couple. It is an incredibly hard thing to recover from.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 07/02/2025 17:04

He laughed in your face and then have you a lame excuse. I wouldn’t be entertaining him.

DoYouFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 07/02/2025 17:05

I'd fuck him off just for laughing in my face.

Original poster
Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 17:06

He was drunk and doesn’t remember that bit. Allegedly.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 07/02/2025 17:11

It begs the question - what else could he have done and 'not remember'?

rach7979 · 07/02/2025 17:11

He remembers

Ph3 · 07/02/2025 17:12

I think he probably remembers but he is either too ashamed to admit it or gaslighting you.

DoYouFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 07/02/2025 17:14

He could be using the 'I don't remember' card for a lot of things. I wouldn't trust him.

LandSharksAnonymous · 07/02/2025 17:15

Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 17:06

He was drunk and doesn’t remember that bit. Allegedly.

Being drunk is never an excuse and nor is trauma.

We all go through terrible times - but that doesn't give people a free pass to be a scumbag who cheats on their partner (even emotionally) and then laugh at them. He didn't lie to you once. He lied to you every day for months - hiding his drinking was lying.

It doesn't matter if he's stopped drinking, or speaks to his sponsor daily or goes to AA. Also, he's been sober two weeks? That's nothing. You could have another 50 years together - do you really trust he'll be sober that whole time? I wouldn't. He's still a liar

You won't heal until he's out of your life.

Nothatgingerpirate · 07/02/2025 17:27

How to begin to heal?
You drop him.

Original poster
Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 17:35

I’m not dropping him until I can see that he can’t resolve his issues. Surely that’s the right thing to do? At least let him try?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 07/02/2025 17:51

Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 17:35

I’m not dropping him until I can see that he can’t resolve his issues. Surely that’s the right thing to do? At least let him try?

If that’s what you want to do OP that’s your right - but to mend your relationship nothing but full accountability for his actions will do.

alwaysMakingItsofar · 07/02/2025 17:54

That's not nice on so many levels. He isn't serious with you

Original poster
Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 18:02

Ph3 · 07/02/2025 17:51

If that’s what you want to do OP that’s your right - but to mend your relationship nothing but full accountability for his actions will do.

Show quote history

I agree. He’s making the right noises but I’m so suspicious. The girl in question was literally half my age. I struggle to forgive that, but I feel like I should try. Nothing physical happened. I believe that… but the emotional is equally revolting.

OP posts:
ChoccieCornflake · 07/02/2025 18:55

You don't have to try you know. You can, if you want to, but it's also OK to say that's it it's over.

[edit for typo]

arcticpandas · 07/02/2025 19:03

You're a better person than I am OP. He would be out on the spot after that incident. Just keep in mind that alcoholics tend to relapse. Not every alcoholic does what your dp did though so that's not an excuse.

Endofyear · 07/02/2025 19:19

If you really want to try and forgive him, I would get support for yourself. Arrange some counselling for you and you can contact Al Anon for support too. Try and take a step back from helping him if you can - this is something he has to take responsibility for and he needs to do a lot of work on himself and to also regain your trust. Look after yourself and spend time with good friends and family too - don't let yourself get isolated. Make time to exercise in the fresh air, get enough sleep and try and eat well. You are deserving of good things in your life 💐

Saggyknickers · 07/02/2025 19:22

So he's become a changed man in 2 weeks?

JustWalkingTheDogs · 07/02/2025 19:28

Tell him to leave and if he's still sober in 6 months you'll reconsider the relationship. It'll give you time to decide if you do want a relationship with him, and to make sure he's serious a be out giving up the booze

Andwhoisasking · 07/02/2025 19:32

People can so easily say leave when it’s not their life they are imploding. I’m on the fence with this. If it were me - I’d be gone but I have a career and alcoholic parents. However, I know how alcohol does make you do things and wipes your memory. Although not an excuse, if he’s making all the right noises - I’d not be hasty but also I’d be sceptical.

reallynormal · 07/02/2025 20:09

So in 2 weeks hes tried cheating been a drinker laugh in your face.
Now getting help hes very sorry to you cant remember that he laughed at you BECAUSE he was drunk but can remember the rest and helpful and present.

More fucked up than an episode loose women.

Ph3 · 07/02/2025 20:11

Freakinout80 · 07/02/2025 18:02

I agree. He’s making the right noises but I’m so suspicious. The girl in question was literally half my age. I struggle to forgive that, but I feel like I should try. Nothing physical happened. I believe that… but the emotional is equally revolting.

Show quote history

Emotional is hard as well. I am sorry. Infidelity is generally due to something missing in themselves - which isn’t of any consolation I know but try to remember that. It’s not on you

RentalWoesNotFun · 07/02/2025 22:20

He may have realised that he will be homeless and won't see much of his kids if he fucks about hence he's trying to not lose the house and kids.

Not sure what he feels for you.

He might want to keep you with all his heart, or she might have a boyfriend and told him to do one so you're better than nowt, or he might just be using you for his own comfort and still thinking/seeing her in secret. Who knows.

I'd be right in at his phone though checking it out as I wouldn't trust him. And once the trust has gone is it take over ....??? I don't know.

Original poster
Freakinout80 · 08/02/2025 08:59

What a mess. I keep going over the risks of being together and it makes me feel terrified. I’m 80% sure that he is minimising his messaging to spare my feelings and/or protect himself. But I feel if of i don’t let him try this one last time, I’m throwing away 10 years. I’ve told him for the next 10 years, if we stay together, things will be on my terms. He has said he’s more than happy with that. I’m not so naive as to think this will prevent him cheating or drinking. Nothing can ever prevent anyone from doing anything. What boundaries should I be putting in place?

OP posts:
ChoccieCornflake · 08/02/2025 10:32

Sorry to be blunt, but google "sunk cost fallacy". At the moment you would be ending a 10 year relationship. Which is a heck of a lot better than staying with him and then having to end a 15, 20, 25 year relationship.