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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my husband can’t handle his drink

29 replies

FishOnTheTrain · 07/02/2025 14:31

ive been with him for 10 years. He’s always been a sloppy drunk but when we were younger it was more acceptable I guess, because we were all the same!

now we’re in our 30s and he’s still binge drinking. Not really regularly but a couple of times a month. I just can’t stand him when he’s drunk. He slurs his words and is just a mess. He loses so much stuff - keys/phones/wallets etc.

last night he went out and lost his credit card. He’d already lost his debit card. so now he had no bank card and is using one of mine.

a few months ago we moved into a new place and he lost his house key within 4 days of being there.

am I just being uptight?

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/02/2025 14:43

No, you're not being unreasonable. Being married to a problem drinker is awful. Embarrassing, inconvenient, puts you on edge every time there's an event involving alcohol, ruins parties, weddings, Christmas, upsets your children when you have them, and doesn't change. Sometimes even escalates so it's more frequent or the behaviour is worse. The best advice I'd give anyone is to never marry or stay with a problem drinker. However, before you get to that point you'll no doubt want to try to fix it or find a way to cope. So my suggestions would be that if he won't stop drinking then you get him to only drink when you're not around and not come back till he's sober, and that you keep an idea of the frequency you'll tolerate, and if it goes beyond that, think again.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:45

Using someone else’s bank card is illegal, I think?

randomchap · 07/02/2025 14:50

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:45

Using someone else’s bank card is illegal, I think?

Hope not, otherwise every time I go get cash out for my elderly mum I'm breaking the law.

If your dh is drinking so much that he's losing important items etc then he has a problem.

How often does he do it?

FanofLeaves · 07/02/2025 14:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:45

Using someone else’s bank card is illegal, I think?

Not if you give them permission, surely?

Thats beyond binge drinking OP, plenty of people like a drink and don’t lose their vital possessions. Most people would have to drink an absolute skinful to get in a state to lose stuff like that on the regular.

Daschund1 · 07/02/2025 14:52

Twice a month is often!

AnonymousBleep · 07/02/2025 14:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think it's that unusual for people in their 30s to be sloppy annoying drunks either. I was talking about this to my brother (we are both in our 40s) and he said he's just got to the stage in life now where he doesn't drink to get drunk, and it's sort of the opposite, he wants a nice drink but not to be drunk at all.

I guess just tell him he's an annoying drunk and don't let him take anything other than his phone out with him!

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:56

Hope not, otherwise every time I go get cash out for my elderly mum I'm breaking the law.

Could be wrong but I think that the terms and conditions of their cardholder agreement has to explicitly allow for it.

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2025 14:57

A couple of times a month is once a fortnight, so I would call that regular. I wouldn't put up with it myself.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2025 14:58

last night he went out and lost his credit card. He’d already lost his debit card. so now he had no bank card and is using one of mine.

The answer is to take cash and no cards when he goes out drinking. Get your card back off him and let him have some cash. When it's gone it's gone.

If he behaves like a child he gets treated like one.

WaltzingWaters · 07/02/2025 14:59

I’m not your typical “thou shan’t have more than a glass of wine a month” mumsnetter- I love a drink! But this is too much. If he’s regularly losing important items, it’s surely time he realises he’s a liability and should tone it down. Is he able to go out and just have a few drinks?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/02/2025 15:04

He is a problem drinker, and twice a month is alot!

My Dad was/ is a bit like this. Not a nasty drunk but really embarrassing and just annoying to be around after a few drinks. My Mum didn’t leave him because of it, and let it carry on around us whilst we were young- they’re still together now and it’s still a problem!

Hes not going to change without an incentive - so if you stay with him and keep facilitating it he will just carry on.

myplace · 07/02/2025 15:09

He needs to speak to someone about it being a problem and get health advice.

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2025 15:11

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:56

Hope not, otherwise every time I go get cash out for my elderly mum I'm breaking the law.

Could be wrong but I think that the terms and conditions of their cardholder agreement has to explicitly allow for it.

I don't think its exactly illegal BUT it would break the T's and C's of the card issuer if you gave someone else your PIN. No idea about contactless though.
Anyway, its not that your H "can't handle his drink" its that he drinks too much and either can't or won't stop doing so

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 15:16

A couple of times a month? That's very regular indeed to be getting so off his tits that he's losing his bank cards, keys etc every time. There's 'going out for a few drinks' regularly, which is fine, and there's 'going out and getting so drunk you can't function and don't know what the fuck's happening around you' regularly, which is not fine.

I'm relaxed about drinking but what you're describing isn't normal.

nodramaplz · 07/02/2025 15:29

... like having a big child!
No thanks

FoxtonFoxton · 07/02/2025 15:35

YANBU.
I'd find it both embarrassing and hugely unattractive. I wouldn't be offering him my bank card either.

Tessasanderson · 07/02/2025 15:43

He sounds pathetic tbh. He is a grown adult. IF the drink causes him to lose stuff he needs to stop drinking. If he becomes and even bigger idiot when he has had a lot to drink he needs to stop drinking. If you dont like him when he has had a few drinks......he needs to stop drinking.

I will repeat, he sounds pathetic.

godmum56 · 07/02/2025 15:44

Well assuming you want to keep him, then he needs to experience consequences. He loses stuff, he replaces it, he loses his key, you change the locks, don't give him a key and if he isn't home when you go to bed,he stays outside. BUT if you have changed and he hasn't then will he change and should you stay?

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/02/2025 15:47

YANBU - this is unacceptable behaviour for anyone aside from maybe a student in freshers week. Why does he get in such a mess? Can he just have a couple of pints and stop or does he only drink a couple of times a month so every time he gets in a state? Bottom line is, if he can't handle it he needs to stop doing drinking.

Lovelysummerdays · 07/02/2025 15:49

Id be really unimpressed. I’ll be honest I am lacking in self control around booze / lightweight / don’t have a natural stopping point. So I don’t drink as a general rule and if I do I’ll be very disciplined. A glass of fizz/ a port with cheese and that’s my limit.

I think it’s part of being an adult to recognise problem behaviours and adjust them which is why I don’t smoke cigarettes, drink lots or booze and I gave up coffee as negatively effecting me.

BigFatLiar · 07/02/2025 15:58

While the drunkenness is a problem I must say in some way you're being unfair as you say he's always been like this so its not something new.

You can feel annoyed by it but its more a case of you've changed and he's still who you married. Ten years on and the fun nights out mate is increasingly annoying.

LazyArsedMagician · 07/02/2025 15:59

FanofLeaves · 07/02/2025 14:52

Not if you give them permission, surely?

Thats beyond binge drinking OP, plenty of people like a drink and don’t lose their vital possessions. Most people would have to drink an absolute skinful to get in a state to lose stuff like that on the regular.

Show quote history

It's not illegal, but it breaks the T&C of the account and if the person who's card you used then claims fraud, the bank might decline to pay out as they've not shown reasonable care with their personal details.

Get a TPA on your mum's account if you do it regularly @randomchap

randomchap · 07/02/2025 16:01

LazyArsedMagician · 07/02/2025 15:59

It's not illegal, but it breaks the T&C of the account and if the person who's card you used then claims fraud, the bank might decline to pay out as they've not shown reasonable care with their personal details.

Get a TPA on your mum's account if you do it regularly @randomchap

Show quote history

Thanks, I will do once I've googled what a TPA is. I'll chat to her later

Iloveyoubut · 07/02/2025 16:05

randomchap · 07/02/2025 14:50

Hope not, otherwise every time I go get cash out for my elderly mum I'm breaking the law.

If your dh is drinking so much that he's losing important items etc then he has a problem.

How often does he do it?

Show quote history

“he’s still binge drinking. Not really regularly but a couple of times a month” from OP’s original post.

BunnyLake · 07/02/2025 17:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2025 14:45

Using someone else’s bank card is illegal, I think?

I used to do my (late) elderly mum’s shopping for her when she couldn’t do it. It may be against T&C’s but unless someone reports it I don’t see an issue, especially with contactless. Either that or my mum starved.

Personally I wouldn’t give him my card or assist in making things less inconvenient for him, if he loses things when drunk.