Wanting opinions on night feeds with husband

[Banaz]

This may be a long one but I’m really wanting opinions from others as I’m becoming frustrated.
My husband (together 19 years) has not done a single night feed since baby’s been born (she’s 3 month) she’s not been the best sleeper even during the day (she’s has short naps)
he works full time and has 2 days off through the week. He leaves the house at 2pm and gets back around 12.30am.
It takes me ages to get baby to sleep and she will usually sleep around 11.30pm-12am. she’s then up at 3-4am then takes ages to settle back down. I’m up then at 6.30am.
Now to add we have 3 other children whose school is quite far. I don’t drive so husband takes them of a morning.
our routine is I get the older kids up fed dressed and ready for school. Wake husband to drive them to school. He then comes back has something to eat then goes back to bed.
Now I do understand as he’s working but even on his days off he comes back and goes to bed and even has an evening nap. I can’t nap in the day to catch up as baby will only have short bursts of sleep of around 20 mins of a time.
on the weekends when the children are not in school or school holidays, he will stay in bed until 11am-12pm while I’ve been up with baby plus the older children.
He will from time to time help with feeding the baby but 90% is on me.
To add he doesn’t do anything around the house either. May wash a few dishes once or twice a week.
Anyway do you think I’m being unreasonable for wanting a bit more help?
apologies for my long post. I hope it makes sense.
If you got this far, thank you for reading

Working full time is exhausting. Especially when you’re keeping odd hours.

He’s doing the school runs along with working full time. I think he’s doing his fair share.

Are you a SAHM? When I was at home with the children, I did the vast majority of housework but DH would feed baby or do bathtime and bedtime with the children, he was happy to do it as he hadn't seen them all day and wanted to spend time with them. It's a bit more tricky if your DH does shift work though, that's more tiring and messes with your sleep patterns. I did all night feeds as I was breastfeeding but if DH was woken he'd make me a cup of tea and change the nappy if needed. He didn't always wake though and I wouldn't wake him. Work on getting your little one to have a couple of good naps in the day so you can rest. I would take him/her for a good walk in the pram and hopefully they'll drop off and you can leave them to sleep in there while you have a lie down on the sofa.

And he has been like this with all the kids? Why keep having more with him?

I was going to say yanbu until I read he does the school run after getting home past midnight.

You are probably both exhausted but to be really frank you have four kids so you're bound to be.

Oh get over with you

So is looking after 4 children 24/7, doing all household chores, cooking etc etc etc

Op YANBU. He needs to step up. List what you do, vs his work x number of hours, take kids to school and list how many hours sleep he gets versus you

Does he have time off at the weekend? I would leave all 4 kids with him for a day can you go to family or friends for a good long sleep?

I personally disagree with you here.

Full time is exhausting, but there are plenty (millions) of parents working full time AND cleaning / parenting their children.

Would you say the same if a mum questioned if working 5 day weeks and doing the drop off’s was her fair share? I bet you’d say different.

I am going to assume OP is a SAHM. So I would say 80% of the childcare and housework should be on OP. However I feel like DH needs to help out more and take on 20% rather than the 1% that he’s doing right now.

If DH has 2 days off in the week then personally I feel like childcare and cleaning should be 50-50 on these days. DH can have a nap one day, OP should have a nap the next.

OP should arrange to see friends one of the evenings DH isn’t working, get out the house and have some me time. No reason DH cannot do that on the next day.

I’m sorry but the hours aren’t 9-5 but many parents work full time and manage to look after their kids, DH is taking the mick if you want my opinion. Sounds like a right lazy so and so on the days he is off. Can’t believe he lets OP do ALL the childcare and housework even on his days off. What a lazy dad.

I know mums who work evening shifts who then parent their kids and clean their homes during the day. Your DH is being selfish and lazy.

He should be the one waking the kids up, making breakfast if he's taking the kids school. So you get extra sleep. On his days off he needs to do more so you can rest

I think he's doing his fair share OP.
Sorry.

He can't do night feeds if he doesn't get in from work till midnight and then gets up for school runs.

What made you have another baby if you find these early days so difficult.

Send the baby on the school runs. You go back to bed.. Dh used to get up at 5/6 with ds and I slept til 7/8.. Would the school run give you an hour op?

I think he's pulling his weight on the childcare front if he does all the school runs whilst also working full time, assuming he is actively involved at weekends once up, but I'd give him a kick up the backside in relation to household tasks. He needs to share those too. I did all the nights when I was on maternity leave as frankly it seemed odd to expect my partner to when he had to get up and go to work and I didn't, but appreciate plenty of people on here disagree with that.

4 children is a lot and is always going to be hard hard work however it gets split. What led to 4 children? (I don't mean sex here, I mean who pushed for 4, or if it was mutual, did he help with babies and housework before?)

What was he like with the previous 3?

Just to make it a little clearer.
I completely understand and don’t expect him to doing any form of night feeds the days he’s working (he’s a chef and the hours are awkward) but the 2 days he is off he still doesn’t get up. Not through the night or offer to get up with kids and do the morning routine on his own.
He chooses to do the morning school run as he doesn’t want the older children walking that far of a morning. His morning routine is I wake him around 8.15am and has a hot drink ready for him, sits on his phone and is out the door by 8.30 am back by 9am. Eats and the to bed. The kids are all ready and waiting. That’s the only thing that he does help with. When the kids are off school of a weekend or off on school holidays, he doesn’t get up until 11/12 most days.
I think sometimes am I being taking for a mug or is that the norm and I need to change the way I’m thinking.
it wasn’t always like this as he had a different job years back with our other children and the hours were more suitable plus as he’s gotten older he’s become lazier

Did you see the part where he does eff all on his days off too? And goes back to bed all day after the school runs?

He chose to make 4 kids.

He’s definitely, definitely not doing his fair share but why didn’t you talk about all this and come to an agreement before having a 4th child?! DH and I both wanted #3 but I wouldn’t agree to try until we had figured out a childcare/housework set up that worked for us both - DC2 was born before DC1 started nursery so I was happy enough to do all the nights, mornings etc when there wasn’t any sort of school run or nursery run but felt very different with DC3.

YABU to want more help. Do you think you are helping him? No, you're both parents and it is called parenting. He's doing fuck all compared to what he should and it has to stop now. Nap times have to be equal. Sometimes you just can't go back to bed and have to push through. You'd be better off splitting so you know it's all on you and no resentment.

It's disappointing he doesn't want to spend more time with his kids, especially a new baby.

What time does he usually fall asleep? I used to work in a similar industry, finishing at 11.30pm, home for midnight. I used to still need a good 90mins or so to wind down before I was ready for sleep.

8 hours sleep would then see me up for the day around 9.30/10am.

I'd take the morning school run off him (leave baby sleeping at home next to him), walk the kids to school.

Then, he can at least sleep 8 hours uninterrupted and wake by 10am to help with the baby.

I still stand by he is lazy. Yes he works full time to provide and he does the school run. Big whoop. That’s nothing, his life has barely changed.

On the morning he does the school run you’re waking him up and making him a coffee? He lives the life of luxury here.

Why isn’t he helping out on the days he is off work? If I’m honest I’m surprised you have put up with this for so long. I feel like he could do more on the days he works but whatever, but the 2 days he is off work he can’t be sleeping in and doing naff all whilst you’re running around after him. You deserve a break too and he is taking the mick.

Sit down with him and explain that the days he works will remain the same but when he’s off he needs to step up, treat him like a child if you will and give him set jobs, on the first day he’s off he can have a nap and on the second day he’s off it’s your turn to have a nap. He does all the night feeds on the night he doesn’t have to work before so you can rest.

He’s a chef you say. Does he, per chance, partake of the drinking culture that surrounds that profession?

Yes and it's well known that only people with a vagina can work full time, look after kids and do housework.

He’s not a drinker. It does take him a little while to eventually fall asleep once home from work.
we did have the discussion beforehand about having another baby but actions speak louder than words.
I honestly don’t mind at all at being in charge of all household chores I’m just drained with having a baby that isn’t a great sleeper and still doing it all alone (majority of the time)
comments like you shouldn’t of had 4 wasn’t really necessary. She’s here, I’m besotted with her as I am my other children.
After reading all your comments I’ve spoken with him and he agreed that Im right in what I’m saying. He’s doing night feeds this weekend (sigh of relief) knowing I can catch up on some sleep this week.
Thank you to those with helpful comments, I really appreciate it ❤️

I don't subscribe to this "I work full time so don't have to do anything when I'm home and you have to work/be on call 24/7" bollocks.

The very least he can do is make sure that you get one good night of sleep a week. He gets two days off, so he will get one too without the disturbance of work.

With regard to everything else he should help out when he can. He doesn't need to go back to bed in the morning AND have an evening nap. He's already sleeping probably 6/7 hours at least before he's woken up to take the kids. If there's time for someone to have a nap in the evening it should be you, considering you will have a night of broken sleep ahead of you.

Essentially, there's scope to make things a lot easier on you, and he isn't doing it, even though it wouldn't really disadvantage him. He's being selfish and inconsiderate.

Why did you continue to have children with him?