DH broke my trust AIBU to call him out on it after the years of abuse I have endured from him

[Jammydonut01]

I'm really broken right now, I have been with DH for 9 years now we have 3 DC under 5, I had my 3rd child just 6 months ago. To the outside world we have a pretty good life. DH goes to work while I stay at home and take care of DC, taking them to school, nursery. Doing the housework, cooking etc.
My mum does help out alot too with school runs or cooking since I have had the baby.
But what Seems to the outside world as perfect we are far from that tbh. Since the start i have been through abuse at the hands of him, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual. Mostly when I have answered him back on his big headed ways for example i have to leave the house with no skin showing or he has to pick a certain outfit and force me to wear it. I had to live with his ways and fulfil his needs. DH is a narcissist and has belittled me so much im emotionally scarred, telling me I'm not good enough due to me having anxiety, I'm not capable like other women, no one would accept me if I left him. There's been times where I have been left to just cry on the floor because I believed his words 💔 I can't speak about another male if I do its probably cause he thinks I'm having an affair, if someone's coming over to do the maintenance work he has to call up a family member to come watch over me because I might run away with the guy. For context I have never cheated and since being married to Dh I can't look another man in the eye that's how shaken I am. He really thinks little of women and has an attitude that women are only good for sex.
He will constantly look through my phone and monitor my every step. Even though I have never done anything to cause any sort of suspicion. But he himself will never openly give me his phone because apparently he doesn't want me to see his male friends. However when I'm speaking to my mum or sister he will burst in to the room trying to listen in on my conversations, I feel like I've been stripped of my privacy and rights as a human.

On the weekends, we both go and do the shopping together and he is constantly telling me your lucky no other husband would spend time with his wife like this.
The one thing I can say is DH is not financially abusive and we have joint accounts, his wages all go in those accounts. He tells me you can use the money I work for you and the children, I'm not like other men out there. I do however keep up with all bill/ rent payments as he is useless with that stuff. If he has contracts with phones etc he is always telling me to call them up to cancel them for him or book him GP appointments whenever he needs to see the doctor.

When he gets home he plays games and sits all the way through it during lunch, dinner, maybe sometimes the night. It's like I have to book an appointment everytime I want to speak to him, because he doesn't like being disturbed. I do the cooking, cleaning, feeding the children, all while carrying a crying, teething baby. It's difficult when I'm trying to tend to the toddlers who are very over active and feeding a crying baby. It gets so much that I have to beg him to help or there will be no dinner tonight, and that's when he decides to hold the baby for a while.

His behaviours have really turned me off men, for those of you who say leave I have tried in the past but keep coming back because this is all I know. I have a really supportive family but i dont like being a burden to others, if i tell my parents they come over to talk to him he turns everything on me and makes me look crazy just because i stood up for myself. My parents know im not in the wrong, but I guess everyone's afraid to stand up to him. This is my life and I have accepted it I made the stupid decision at the start and have to sacrifice my happiness. Since having my DC they are my number one priority and I keep myself busy with them, I live for them and they are my everything.

I thought everything was fine recently until he got my phone to do some work last night, he added his Gmail account to see if a certain game would work on my phone. Along with that most of his phone messages came up on my phone that he wasn't aware of. After giving it back he forgot to sign out of the account. When I checked my phone later I was surprised as I saw alot of messages that weren't mine. Most pretty innocent but a few caught my attention. There was messages to someone about asking about blow jobs, sex and negotiating prices. There was a few of these..
Tbh I'm lost for words because never would I think in a million years DH would be doing something like this. I dont even know if he went along with it after the women sent him the address. I'm in shock because he's being manipulative and controlling all this time so I thought he would have a clean attitude too considering he wants me so pure. And on top of that I've been having sex everytime he demands it. I've been heavily pregnant and crying but he would carry on.
The dates for these messages were from 6 months ago approximately when I just had the baby.
I'm sorry for such a long post but I really wanted to know what I should do, I have confronted him about it and he's still not admitting it and is saying I don't know how they got there. And now all of a sudden is saying that his friend's account got shared with his and its his friends messages.

Don't confront him. He's dangerous.

Call Women's Aid and plan your escape.

Hello,

I do hope this time you find the strength to leave for good.

Leaving an abuser is hard, but you owe it to yourself and your children to try.
You've already had some great practical advice about where to get support so I want to focus on your anxiety/ OCD.

These things are real and they can be quite terrifying when they happen, but you can get past them. If you do contact women's aid for support, do mention your mental health.
There are also quite a few safe places, you can go to and ask for help: your go, some banks, libraries. You don't have to go through it alone, and you wouldn't be a burden. These places have been set up to help people in your situation.

You wouldn't think someone with a broken leg was a burden on the hospital or someone in a fire was a burden on the fire fighters. You are also in an emergency service that you are finding difficult to escape, so please accept the help that is available.

My heart breaks for you that you think this is a normal and acceptable relationship, it really really is not. Nobody deserves to live like and be treated like this. You absolutely do not deserve this, your children do not deserve this and he really really does not deserve to have you in his life.

This man is a misogynistic bully - do not believe him when he says you cannot do better. Do not believe him when he says other men do not share their wages, or do grocery shopping with their wives. Do not believe him when he says you are not capable of making it by yourself. You left once, you know what it takes - absolute strength which you have, and you know how you felt last time so this time you can plan for that this time. Have you seen your GP for medication to help with the anxiety? I strongly suspect that when you are out of this situation for good your anxiety will radically improve.

Using sex workers is the tip of the iceberg - but if this is the final straw then take it and use it to find your anger and strength and leave for good
.
Honestly, if this were a family member of mine going through this you would be more of a burden to me if I was having to stand helplessly by and watch, than being able to proactively support you to get out of this situation and go on to live a fulfilling and happy life.

To have endured this, you are stronger than you know and more than strong enough to endure the challenges of walking away. For your children and yourself- before they too think this is normal and go on to replicate what you are going through with their spouses when they grow up - you must leave.

Get yourself STI checked at a GUM clinic. Do not confront him - even if he hasn’t followed through with the actually using a sex worker which is highly highly unlikely, the intention is there and that is cheating. If he hasn’t done it now he will do it soon. And he’ll either deny it, turn it round and blame it on you. What good will that do you?

Please leave, take the children and build yourself a happy and independent life free of him. 💕

I'm so sorry to read your story. It's deeply wrong the way you are treated and you deserve much more.

If you can't leave this man for yourself please do it for your children. Do you want them to watch the dynamic of your relationship, internalise it and believe it's normal?

You can be in control. Maybe you will need to go somewhere safe like a women's refuge?

If your daughter came to you as an adult saying that this was what her marriage was like and she needed a place to stay, I really don't think you'd consider her a burden - you'd welcome her in and give her the time she needed to recover. Obviously I don't know your parents but I would hope they'd be just as keen to care for their daughter and their grandchildren.

You said you have ave joint accounts, so use that money to get away. No I e is going to find you a burden. You need to get you and the children away from this pig of a man.

I would imagine that your anxiety would melt away if you were away from this absolute piece of shit of a man.

He is abusing you.

Use your phone to phone Women's Aid, phone the police and report that you're being abused. Share the news far and wide. I say this because bullies (which is what he is) hate having their behaviour under the spotlight. He is abusing you and because you have young children in the house, they are watching their mother being abused by their father.

Please find the strength to reach out to someone today. Don't leave it another day.

You're not being a burden, you're fleeing an abusive and intolerable living situation! Your parents will be relieved and happy that you've escaped. Please take your children and leave. Speak to women's aid and see your GP for help with the anxiety and panic attacks. It is your living situation that is causing the anxiety and fear of his reaction that is causing panic attacks. These are temporary symptoms that you can get help with. It's absolute madness to stay with this man. You need to leave 💐

Thank you everyone for all the replies. He's still pleading he is innocent, i can't shut him out completely either he's doing all sorts of chores round the house and trying to include the children by asking questions about what they did today etc. to get me to to speak with him. Maybe it's the guilt, my parents are very supportive but I need to mention I have a sibling a few years younger than me who has MH issues and very abusive with alcohol, for my parents he is the first priority and care so even if I do stay there I wouldn't feel safe with my children around their uncle like that. Also that's why I mentioned I wouldn't like to burden them even though my mum has told me plenty of times I'm welcome to stay there as long as i like.

I met DH when I was 19 and I was very naive had slow self esteem and throughout the years he has made it worser, leaving me with depression and MH issues. After each argument he would treat me, like going out to eat and I was chasing that high because I thought that's as good as I would get. I really though he would get better he kept saying I love you I could never lay my eyes on anyone else, and I believed him.

I've taken most of the advice on board and will contact the women's refuge as well as getting an appointment with my GP for my anxiety. I have three daughters and don't want them to go through what I did, my dad was like this to my mum growing up he physically and emotionally abused her and me as an older child witnessed it all and would wake up during the night with panic attacks. It's a cycle and my mum never did anything she just stayed quiet sometimes I do get angry because not only did she fail to protect us she didn't stand up for herself either. After my dad got treated for his MH he changed his ways but the damage was already done. He does regret it now and hates that it'd happening to his daughter, my DH is physically bigger and alot of my family are scared to stand up to him.
Sorry for rambling on. I hope I can make it out of this easily for my children.

It sounds like you're going through the cycle of abuse and are in the reconciliation phase. There are four stages:

Tension building, Abuse, Reconciliation, Calm. Victims sometimes kickstart the abuse because the tension phase is too difficult and they want to get it over with. Not all abusers are the same, some skip all the phases and are abusive all the time.

You have a lot of insight and can see that you are emulating your parent's relationship. Please see your GP and get checked for STDs, many have no symptoms. Your GP can refer you to services and it's good to have evidence.

Obviously contacting a domestic abuse organisation is good as well.

Best of luck OP. I got out of an abusive relationship when I had a baby. It is scary but when you have children, your priority becomes those children. You have the power to protect them (and yourself). They don't. There is no doubt he will try to control your daughters' lives when they are older.

It wasn't easy - I never expected it to be - but it was necessary. I told myself I didn't have a choice which made it easier (if that makes sense?) Like needing an operation but instead rooting out the tumour that is your abusive husband.

I really hope you get out and experience the freedom of not being controlled by an abuser.

If this is the thing that gets you to leave then fine. But you plenty of other good reasons to go. Just go.

I'm so sorry you have put up with this abusive narcissistic bellend for so long.
I was honestly so sad and angry reading your post.
Is it possible you can start making plans to leave? It's a terrible example for the children also, they will start to pick up on his behavior.
I would leave ASAP if it is possible.
There are so, so many red flags going on here.
You don't have to settle for this life.

You really need to separate and I’m sure you know this. See if you have any local domestic abuse support services. If you feel you really can’t leave because of your anxiety speak to a service, do some safety planning with them, consider whether a NMO and occupation order might be easier for you to manage (this will mean you staying in the home and getting him out). Do get your and your children’s important documents together and leave at your mum’s in case you need to do anything suddenly. You can do this. All the very best