I hate this house

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

Moved in 2 years ago and I know this sounds dramatic but this house is making me so upset. I constantly eat as I’m stressed at home. In work or out I’m fine but as soon as I step inside I have a sinking overwhelmed feeling.

DH doesn’t care and does nothing to help. The lights downstairs don’t work and I go around in darkness with my phone light on. The shower had its leak fixed but has left a mark in living room. There’s so much that needs to be done. DH’s family are builders and I’m constantly told to just wait and they will fix it but they never do! I’ve ordered paints and wallpaper and I’m doing it tomorrow. DH and his mum are telling me I’m being rash and I will do a botched up job, I’m scared I will but I hate living in this awful dump. Everything is fo confusing for me such as the lights are fixed in so not just pop out the spot light and replace it has to be wired in etc. so I can’t fix that. I just hate this house it feels so horrible. I’ve stopped caring and quite frankly it looks really bad with dishes in sink from all week, toilets disgusting. Living room can’t see the floor as so much junk. I know I’m depressed but what’s the point of trying to keep this house clean when it looks so bad.

Dishwasher is also broken. Been broken for over a year. I called 2 different people up and got scammed. One charged £85 and told me it’s fixed but wasn’t and he doesn’t return my calls. The other guy I paid I don’t know how much to as he replaced a part but it’s still doesn’t work. He said he’s done all he can. I’m so fed up. I’m solely in charge of the kids school drop offs, pick ups, their homework, activities etc, plus I work, plus I’m the only one who cleans or does anything around the house. DH would be content just stepping over the rubbish like he’s done all week.

Why do you do everything plus work? This is a DH and his family problem. Best way to leave the house is to split up and move out. You're doing anything anyway.

Yanbu you need to get out.

Is there a more tragic way to go through life than feeling like it’s better to do nothing than to do something and get it wrong?

So yes, do that decorating tomorrow! You probably won’t do an impeccable job this time but the satisfaction of looking at your OWN imperfect work will be so much greater than looking at whatever you’re looking at now.

(Maybe try a coat or two of Zinsser over the water stain before the regular paint? www.zinsseruk.com/howto/paint-water-stains-odourless-method/)

Can you replace the dishwasher?

Can you also buy some lamps that plug into a wall outlet?

It honestly sounds like you're in an awful state. Take one room at a time per day and do a good tidy. It will feel like you have accomplished something. But you need to get on board with your DH and put in some rules for a safe house to live in.

Split up and move out. You’ll never get anything done.Don’t live in a squalor until his lordship and his family eventually decide to pull their finger out (maniana,maniana)
Been there,done that,sorry. Unfixable with all the promises of DIY and moon on the stick.

Why can’t you plug a lamp in downstairs?

Im struggling to believe that this is legit - I know of no sane person who would live without downstairs lights for a year

its dark at 4pm from October onwards! Do you go to bed at 4pm on Xmas day?!

@Quitelikeit youre struggling to believe my thread is legit? Are u serious? Yes im making all this up!

thavk you everyone else for your kind words and suggestions. I’m so fed up. I hate walking into this house. Our old house was so much nicer. It was normal things like actual light bulbs which I could easily change. I don’t know the name of the light fixtures but I’ll see the box and maybe someone could help me? I tried to do before but it’s really complicated you have to unsure the fixture and take the clamp out the. Do lots of other stuff.

It sounds like your house is really getting you down and you're getting no support from your DH. It's really difficult to find reliable tradesmen and you've obviously been unsuccessful in getting your dishwasher fixed. I would write down a list of jobs that need doing, starting with the lights, and work out what money you have to spend. Tell your DH that either he, and his family, have certain things done by the end of the month or you will get someone in. Ask locally for recommendations for a handyman/handywoman and get them in for one job at a time until you feel you can trust them. You could probably also pay someone to help with cleaning and organising because sometimes it's really hard to start when everything needs done. DH needs to help too as leaving everything to you is just unfair.

I just want to say I relate because I wouldn’t miss my home at all if I was able to move.

Probably more my building than the interior itself, but coming up to trashed common areas daily always brings me down.

Take pictures of the light fitting and Bnq staff will help you replace them. Declutter as much as you can, less stuff means less to clean.. can you get free storage cupboards or neutral kitchen cupboards for storage? Or those ikea pax on one wall? I hated this house when we moved in but thankfully was fortunate to be able to remortgage and repair it. I used to sit in the 6x3 kitchen on a stool for headspace while dinner was cooking. I feel your pain.. you spend so much money on it and still not enough space or light ..

Thank you for relating, in a way I’m glad it’s just not in my head! The thing is the house has so much potential and we spent so much on this but I feel DH is just letting it “rot” and doesn’t care. We could have brought a smaller one that needed less work. I know one day it will be amazing as his family will do it up and it won’t cost us a fortune but I can’t live like this for another few years! I’m embarrassed if anyone ever wants to visit. The hallway just looks so dark and gloomy. Can’t plug a lamp in as there’s no power socket there. I could look at battery operated light sources though.

I'd be stressed by that. I like my house to be functional. We've been in our current house 18m and it needs paint and other things but we did add some stuff straight away to make it work for us (fixing broken lights, a few extra plugs, plumbed the washing machine outlet in rather than had it draining into the sink).

I think you're entitled to rethink your choice of partner if he's not helping. Your other options are to move house or pay to have proper tradies come in. Get an electrician to quote on changing to light fixtures if they annoy you. Maybe just announcing you're going to book and pay someone will force your DH's hand to actually get his family in if that's his preference.

I do a bit of DIY myself including painting and wallpapering myself. It's fine -- obviously not professional but pretty good and better than living with it as is. I figure the kids are going to knock it around anyway so it doesn't have to be perfect.

I find if I don't like a part of the house I ignore it and it gets dirtier and worse. But when I finally tackle it and clean it I totally improves it. I wonder if you can break it down into manageable chunks. Before and after photos always spur me on. You can buy a new dishwasher, they are really easy to fit yourself. Or look on marketplace they are often given away free or v cheap. A coat of paint makes a massive difference. Some lamps until you can sort the lights?

I also find telling my husband that I'm going to pay someone to do something makes him pull his finger out.

Your surroundings are important and can really affect your moods so it’s not surprising you’re down if it all looks really shit.
Does DH give a reason for being so useless? Can you tell him how it upsets you and makes
you want to leave? Is there one family member who is a bit more sympathetic and you could appeal to their better nature. Could you maybe pin them down to a schedule? Anything to get the jobs done.
If this doesn’t work out you need to get a bit more drastic with DH and start talking about your other options.

Have a look on YouTube in how to fix the lights. Someone has bound to do a video. That or call an electrician. Replace the dishwasher. TBH id forget about the decorating and concentrate on sorting one room out at a time. Then get a decorator in. Give your DH the bill.

I have no advice but I do sympathise greatly. I loathed our old house. We lived there for nine long years, and for the final three I could barely function I was so depressed. Cramped, dark, noisy neighbours, zero storage, everything was falling to bits, and we had absolutely no money to move. EVERYTHING made me tearful, it consumed my thoughts. Our marrage fell apart because I was miserable and angry ALL of the time and DH had no patience for it, he thought I should be grateful for what we had and refused to entertain conversations about it. I bitterly regret spending my youngest's pre-school years in that loathsome place. We finally sold it last year, and I still avoid looking at it when we drive past now.

Buy a new dishwasher from your joint account and I'd get recommendations for builders and trades and pay for it from our joint account.

OP you can buy rechargeable lamps which would mean you don't need a socket, there are lots of them to choose from, but here's a link to some at Next just so you can see what I'm talking about.

https://www.next.co.uk/shop/department-homeware-productaffiliation-lighting/category-desktablelamps-powersource-usbchargeable?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA2JG9BhAuEiwAH_zf3nv4TQ8Uvlt7xHXxHwTo9bYd2ck8Hy5oNvbq1tMiuxzyLxMle1fYtxoCviwQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&p=1#140

What are the jobs you're planning on doing, I do a lot of DIY, so if you need any advice, please feel free to ask.

Dunelm have inexpensive rechargeable lamps. Like this. Having a tidy hall makes it so much nicer to come home. They also do cheap shoe racks.

Painting is easy, you can easily freshen up a room with paint in a weekend.

Black sack all of the mess - 1 sack per household member and present it to them to be put away … or the go nuclear mum option of put it away or you’ll bin it!

I can really understand how your feelings about your house are sapping all your energy to solve these problems, but that is a downward spiral that you need to get out of. I suggest you start with the hall so it's not an instant downer. New high energy lightbulb, a couple of coats of paint, some pictures, a mirror/plant and some hooks or an IKEA shoe cupboard. If you work room by room you may become energised to turn it into a home you can love.
Spotlights are easy to change - you don't have to wire them in. You just push the new bulb into the connector. As a PP said, there are YouTube videos for this and every DIY task. Good Luck

Gosh this sounds so stressful for you and your husband being so dismissive and unhelpful must be incredibly frustrating. I don't think it's reasonable at all to expect you to have no lights that's just not okay. I think I'd leave if things were that bad and he just did nothing about it. I think painting and wallpaper are pretty manageable to do yourself, and hopefully will make you feel a bit better but he really needs to get on board. Gently, I think leaving it messy or dirty will only make you feel worse, our house has no major issues but I've had stages of not liking it and a good clean and declutter helps- he needs to fix the big issues or let you pay for them to be fixed though

I was in a similar situation and went into psychosis from the stress of it and lost everythign. on top of it all he is a hoarder and that got me down too.

Find a B&B and tell the OH you are moving out till something is done about the house.