Scared of possible surgery, DH says I’m overreacting.

[Amioverrrreacting]

I’ve spoken to a lot of friends and family about my health problem the last few days, so I apologise for being vague about it!

But something was discovered on a scan that I paid for privately because no GP would actually take me seriously, and I have been bumped ahead of the queue and have an NHS appointment next week to see a surgical consultant.

After googling, there’s a 5% chance this “thing” can be cancerous. Not a huge chance, but the fact that the NHS consultant is seeing me in less than a week freaks me out a little.

I also cried today because I’m scared of surgery, I’ve never had any before. DH keeps saying “all is fine” and then I asked him to stop saying that. He got irritated and said he’d been really supportive but now I’m overreacting about it all.

I said, “overreacting because I’m scared of surgery?” And he said yes.

AIBU??

I don't think you are over reacting OP.

My hip replacement was my first operation and I was terrified. Not of the surgery itself but I totally convinced myself I would never wake up from the anaesthetic. Of course I did.

My second operation was the surgery I needed last year on my broken leg. And I wasn't frightened at all before hand. Not even of the anaesthetic.

So I think your fear is natural for your first operation.

I'm sure you will be fine OP.

You can’t help it if you are scared, I’m going through something similar and am having surgery on Monday. The whole thing has happened really quickly for me so I’m telling myself it’s the efficiency of the NHS rather than something sinister.
I have had many operations and honestly you really don’t need to worry, all the staff are lovely and will talk you through what will happen on the day. You can request to be one of the first on the list (the order they operate on people) if you think this will help your anxiety. Afterwards you will be given oxygen and I always have this for a longish time as it makes me feel calm. Then you’ll rest for a bit and will be encouraged to eat a little something and have a drink. The staff will help you the first time you need to get up and use the loo.
If you have any questions please ask.

You are not being unreasonable, your husband is.
It makes no difference if the chances of something going wrong is minimal, the point is you are scared of the unknown... and he should be supportive.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone, it makes me feel so much better to hear that. DH made me feel like I’m not being brave or something. Now we’re not talking.

I’ll have to take sick leave, I won’t be able to drive, have a shower. I have a weekend away with friends that I might not be able to go, depending on when it is. Even the small logistics suck - and an operation and fixed is the best case scenario!

I think he’s annoyed with me because an operation may fix the problem. It’s not that I don’t want the problem fixed, it’s that I don’t want the problem because it scares me!

I am really scared of all health stuff as my mother died very young and it’s a real fear of mine that I will die young too (as ridiculous as that sounds)!

In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve even been dramatic about it all. Just scared and want to talk about it to him because we’re married.

Honestly OP, I'd be exactly the same as you. In fact, I've just been told I need fairly simple, routine surgery under local anaesthetic and I'm bricking it too. In all of my 60+ years the only time I've been in hospital it to have my 2 DCs and they were both natural births. I've never even had a plaster cast!
My DH, though is relatively sympathetic though, as he had his 1st ever surgery in his early 50's so was similarly scared.

Good luck with your surgery OP.

I’m not excusing your DH but he’s probably worried too and lots of men like to ‘fix’ things and many aren’t so good at listening and just being there for us.
I think once you’ve seen the consultant and got dates and stuff this will help a bit, at the moment everything is up
in the air. I was like this until I got the phone call this morning to say my surgery is on Monday. Now I am like this is happening and it’s happening on this date so I can plan my week.
If you can try and keep busy, it will help take your mind off things a little bit.

Yanbu OP

I had my first ever surgery recently and I was absolutely petrified, I was just thinking of every worst possible outcome.

What I can say is I was so wonderfully looked after. Every person involved in my care was so empathetic and compassionate towards me. I cried walking to theatre and the theatre staff talked to me about my children and other things to distract me. My whole body was shaking and my teeth chattering, I just couldn’t control it.

One theatre nurse held my hand once I’d laid down on the table and I just didn’t let go, she was so kind and just talked to me, the last thing I remember was her comforting me and something the anaesthetist said and then I woke up! I was in recovery, absolutely fine and slightly confused. The lovely nurses right beside me waiting for me to come round.
I was honestly dumbfounded how ‘quick’ it was, my op took 2.5hours but it felt like 10 seconds for me. it was surreal.

So although I cannot take away your fear (as my friends, husband and mum tried to with me) I can honestly say it was nowhere near as bad as I had led myself to believe.

Also take it easy afterwards, I thought I’d be on my feet, back to normal straight away and I was absolutely humbled! My first trip to Asda afterwards I dithered along at 2mph no matter how hard I tried to go faster, listen to your body and take your time to get back to full health.

Best of luck with the op and recovery x

@TheAzureSwan I had done exactly the same thing! Absolutely convinced myself this was it!
I even said to the nurses that I have to wake up and they had to make sure I did as my children are disabled and no one else can look after them the way I can. I think that’s why the nurse was holding my hand, I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with her holding my hand still I was hanging on so tightly 😂

Your DH is a twat. I’m so sorry you have all this to worry about. Your fears are completely understandable.

I had major surgery for a large ovarian cyst. They did a complete hysterectomy. I was scared shitless. It turned out to be a rare ovarian cancer. That was over ten years ago and I’m still in remission. Even if you have cancer, it’s not necessarily a death sentence. There are so many great treatments these days.

The staff are brilliant and will look after you. They are used to patients being scared. It’s normal.

Sending hugs, 🤗❤️🤗

OP I had an op just before Christmas and was also terrified. I had my tonsils out over 30'years ago but nothing since then until this op and I was a nervous wreck.

I was so well looked after, I cried beforehand on the anaesthetist and the surgeon and all of the nurses and they were all so lovely and reassuring, and my recovery was very straightforward. I don't think if I had to have another op I would be anywhere near as scared. You will be fine.

It sounds like your husband is trying to comfort you by saying it'll all be fine but that's not what you would actually find comforting as for you that feels like he's not listening and understanding your fears. If you've not been through something like this before it's probably worth a discussion at a time neither of you are upset to explain what you do/don't find supportive as everyone is different.

Have you had counselling for this? If not you should. Also maybe see GP for meds etc to help with this health anxiety.

I sympathise as its terrible to feel scared but I have spent my life dealing with someone else's health anxiety and it has had a HUGE negative impact on my life so I also sympathise with your husband.

She doesn’t need counselling or meds for a perfectly normal human reaction.

Her DH needs to find a bit of empathy, that would help.

Op says herself she has health anxiety due to her mothers early passing not just because of this issue. If she lives with that fear all of the time she needs help or will always be afraid.

Id say it depends on what the surgery is. An ingrowing toenail YABU, a kidney removal YANBU!

I had cancer a few years ago and was terrified before my first surgery. I've since had 5 more surgeries (not all cancer related) and am now more worried about the anaesthetic sickness I always get afterwards.

Before my first surgery, a nurse told me the statistical risk of anything bad happening under anaesthetic. It is tiny. So tiny it isn't worth being scared of. I still get a bit anxious beforehand, but I don't actively worry anymore.

I don't think it's right to dismiss someone's feelings like that @Pleasegodgotosleep

@Amioverrrreacting
I understand you feeling apprehensive about your operation. I had surgery recently and was quite worried about the anaesthetic, but it is as others say. Someone will put a cánula in the back of your hand, they asked me to breathe in some oxygen but I held the mask myself so I was in control, then the next moment I was coming to. You are likely to feel a bit 'out of it' for the next day or so but that does make you rest. Good luck .

I'm petrified of anything medical and hate even visiting hospitals. I dread the day if I ever need anything doing. I did have a very quick GA but was only under briefly.

I have a therapist and we talk about it from time-to-time. But I’m not a hypochondriac,I never talk to my husband about health problems unless they’re really real, like this is (I keep the other fear inside). I do not want meds!!

DH is one of those people who waves away everyone’s illnesses, constantly. Our children’s, mine. He doesn’t like hearing about anything to do with negative health and thinks everyone is always “fine”. It’s irritating and why I rarely talk to him about any of it.

He also dismissed all of this until I got a private scan.

Your dh has no emotional intelligence. And clearly doesn’t know how to just express empathy instead of making it about himself - because that’s what telling you you’re over reacting etc…is A way to calm his own insecurities down.

You’re not over reacting. It’s extremely stressful to be in that limbo between knowing there is ‘something’ and seeing a consultant and then having the surgery and it’s results.

Seeing that he isn’t going to have an overnight change of personality, I’d ensure you have some support at hand from other people.

In that case, I think she’d do better with a dh who is actually listening to her rather than gaslighting her she ‘is fiiiine’ even she isn’t.

The lonely truth is, I don’t have any people around me. I have lots of friends, but I’m not someone who feels like I can let people “in”, they’re good-time friends. I have a therapist but that’s once a week and I don’t know her at all, she’s a therapist.

My children are young and they’re my world. But I don’t want them to know anything is going on or worry or catch any anxiety.

My father is still alive, but he’s a bit like my DH tbh “you’re fine” etc. I wasn’t close to either of my parents growing up. I always felt a little insane around them; they would twist truths to their own preferred mental narrative (“you could have been an Olympian!” type nonsense).

Tbh, I never understand why people are scared of surgery. You have a problem, you go in for it to be dealt with, you have the best sleep of your life, then you wake up with an improved situation (albeit, possibly needing physio, medication etc). What's scary about that? You miss all the gory stuff and wake up ready for some lovely morphine.... it's f**king brilliant!

@Cynic17 I totally agree

Your DH is being an arse. You have every right to feel a bit worried about it all, although I am sure everything will be fine. It is a natural feeling. If your DH isn’t willing to be a supportive partner tell him to sod off and find someone else (friend/family) to lean on instead.

My DP had a similar attitude when I called him in hysterical tears after being told by my GP I likely had a perineal abscess on my episiotomy site 12 weeks PP and would require immediate surgical drainage. He couldn’t understand what ‘all the fuss’ was about as this would resolve the recurring infections and discomfort I was experiencing. Obviously never occurred to him that I was terrified of being cut open again ‘down there’, having to heal from it, leaving my PFB EBF baby overnight without warning and having countless more people examine me. Despite explaining this he was still dubious so in the end I lost my temper with him, told him he was being a and called my mum instead.

As it happened the gynae team at the hospital told me the GP was talking nonsense, prescribed some antibiotics and instructed me to go commando for a few weeks as my knickers were probably rubbing a bit on the wound. DP has since admitted he was a prat and has been working on being less of a prat.

Hope all goes well for you.