Would it be so wrong to just tell this person that I don't want a close friendship because of a personality clash ?

[planesailin]

One of my DS's school friend's mums - we started to get to know each other a few months ago and having a few play dates here and there ( our kids are in reception and of the opposite sex ).

After getting to know her a bit better, it has become very clear that I just can't be friends with her.

She's just too bossy, judgemental, arrogant and forceful for me. I can't be friends with people like her, I know, from experience.

I've been keeping a low profile and not engaging much but of course still totally polite.

I think she is the type who'll ask if something is wrong, as we don't see each other much anymore. Usually I just say stuff like ' I'm busy ' etc. I never tell people the reason for fear of causing upset etc. ( I'm not saying this happens a lot, but it's happened before that I got friendly with someone and then realised it's not a friendship for me).

Then the person has asked me what's wrong and usually I brush it off and continue to stop asking them to hang out and eventually they get it.

I'm considering just telling her that whilst I think she's a nice person, I think our personalities clash.

Has anyone ever done that ? It's just a bad idea isn't it ?

She will have no idea how I feel about her because I didn't really react when she was judgemental / arrogant and forceful with me.

I'm not sure OP but I have a similar situation with a parent in my DC class. We met at an activity and live close by and seemed to have things in common so was happy enough when she suggested we meet up and did so a few times but we just don't get along. I don't know how else to put it than to say I don't enjoy her company. I find myself making excuses not to meet as she was hard work when she came to our house for a play date and unwelcoming after we went to hers. She suggests meeting up alone and with her DH (and mine) and he is fine but I don't really want to socialise with these people. I will see her sometimes but find myself making excuses as she wants to meet quite often.

Just disengage and continue to be busy. Do NOT tell her the truth or you could have the whole playground on your back.

No, do not do this with someone you are going to have to see twice a day for the next 7 years.

Given how you have described her personality I think it would be a bad idea to tell her that. She might want to know exactly why and then bad mouth you and twist into you are a bully or something.
I would just quietly back away with no drama. Just be unavailable and in a rush whenever you hear from her or she’s on the playground. Polite but distant.

Hi OP

Don’t think she’s going to get it if this is what you do. You could end up being asked to explain in what way your personalities clash!

Can you tell a white lie to indicate how tied up you are, with no free time to spend?

Hope it works out.

Do not tell her this! You could face seven years of bad reactions in the playground and repercussions for your DS

Just be unavailable- make excuses. She’ll drift away eventually.

I had someone like this in my life.
A string of events happened to me/my family and instead of being there for me, she expected me to just keep giving. I told her that I couldn't continue to fill her cup when mine was so very depleted at that moment and let me tell you, it did not go down well at all. They don't get it. It's not in them to understand because they're selfish.
So my advice would be not to be direct about it, just maintain a quiet, polite distance without the drama and stress.

Yes your instinct that it’s a bad idea to tell her the truth…is correct.

Too bossy, judgemental, arrogant and forceful = honesty is not the best policy here.

Just be ‘very busy’ if she tries to make another date with you.

It's such a bad idea isn't it. But if she pushes me I am afraid I'll actually get into it and explain exactly why. I hope she doesn't push me to tell her.

No, don't go into details. You're stuck with her and your son is. Stick to polite distance and being busy. Don't worry about how believable it is or whether you're particularly comfortable making excuses, key thing is to keep it neutral so there's nothing to create about if she's that type.

Don't do this, as it's not true, you just don't like her.

She won't really know what you mean so you're giving her room to a) argue and b) draw her own conclusions, which is actually probably worse for her than telling her straight.

Yeah you guys are right. It's just going to cause drama but I can very much imagine her really putting me on the spot. I'll just lie. What else can I do.

Just let it fizzle out naturally, you’re going to see this woman in the playground until year 6! Don’t make things awkward now.

It's the best option. Folk never like to hear the truth about themselves. Just be busy.

If it really does come up you could say ‘isn’t it great how we are all so different here at school but the kids get on so well…’ or something better than that.

You guys aren’t close so you don’t owe her an explanation. It might be different if you’ve known her for years and used to get on really well but a behaviour change had caused you to feel this way. Just quietly drift away

Work out a line or two that you are going to say and say it on repeat. Every time you feel driven to get into it, say your line.

I met a woman in a hobby group recently, she seemed fine though a little nervous, she is new to the area so understandable. We ended up swapping numbers after being in the group a few times. My goodness what a complete over sharer and just not my type at all. She isn’t coming back to group as the only people she liked weren’t there one week which includes me and another woman. I’m just going to be very busy. I think she is looking for very close confidantes immediately. I’m not explaining in detail ever.

Why are play dates even a thing? They are with these other children all day at school. That's enough surely? All sounds very stressful.

Make up a white lie, eg your Mum/dad/sister hasn't been well so you're very busy looking after her and her house, so no time for a social life at the moment. She'll get bored and find someone else to hang out with.

I’ve been reading about narcissistic personalities recently. Apparently they “enlist” those to be in their entourage because when they’re rude, these people accept it. They defer to them. The worst thing you can do is “shame” them by rejecting their friendship. They have very fragile egos. I would make up excuses and back away quietly.

I seem to attract these types. You know why ? Because I am too polite or too much of an idiot to show my first boundary at their disrespect. They then think they can do what they want with me.

That’s exactly it apparently. I’d really recommend watching “Avoid the narcissist trap: telltale signs to look for” on YouTube. It’s an eye opener for me.

I was bullied for years at the school gate by a “bossy” type. I always wondered why. In hindsight I wouldn’t have “deferred” because I come from a difficult family.

The worst thing you can do is dent their fragile ego apparently. Back away gently…

Don't do this, just be vague.