To be really upset about this?

[annaisstrong]

I have just ended my marriage after 25 years. Dh is a social drinker so likes to drink heavily at weekends with his friends and during the week he will have a few beers with his friends, his life has evolved around beer and his friends as long as I've known him.
We have children and I had hoped he would drop drinking with his friends all weekend and opt for more of a family life once the children were born but no.
After many years of his excessive drinking and near breakups because of it I finally had enough and have asked for a divorce.
He has met someone else now and started going to the gym together, lost loads of weight and he has also given up drinking beer because apparently this new girlfriend doesn't drink so now he is living exactly the active life I wanted with him but with her and her children.

He still lives in the family home at the moment so I see him every day, he's happy, active and sober exactly what I wanted.
Aibu to feel sad that I left a man I loved because he wouldn't change but now we've separated he's changed and living the life I wanted with him?

Yes, you have every right to feel gutted. Suspect his mask will slip with the new girfriend though and he won't be able to resist slipping back to old ways.

I don't think it will help to dwell on it. He obviously needed a big shock like the end of a 25 year marriage to realise he needs to change. He wouldn't have changed without the divorce. Try to remember him as the man he was, not the one he is now. You divorced him because of who he was, it was the right decision. It's actually good that he has learnt his lesson and hasn't just continued with his lifestyle, a lot of men would just use their new "freedom" to continue their self-destructive behaviour.

Oh op. This must be awful for you.
Rest assured, it won’t last.

Alcoholics never change until they make up their mind that's what they want to do. No amount of other people asking them to will ever work.
He probably has given up his drinking and boozing buddies for the time being. But how long it will last is anybodies guess. Possibly until the novelty of his new gf wears off. She won't have realised yet she is taking on an alcoholic
You are well rid of him. You and your children deserve better.

I agree with other posters that it probably won't last.

How old are your children? It must be hard for them too if he is playing happy families with his new partners children. Is he seeing his children regulary?

That would infuriate me! How quickly can you get him to leave the house? I agree he won't keep it up, though.

He will eventually revert to to type , he’s just getting her hooked . Seriously @annaisstrong you have absolutely done the right thing .

He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever. He's doing it to impress his new gf and probably to spite you.

Can't you tell him to leave the house? I bet he'll be back on it within a few months. So you haven't lost out on the new perfect improved version of him. It won't last.

Just focus on your own needs, spend time with friends and hobbies and know you're best off without him.

If he’s still in the family house - presumably with you - his changes are still pretty superficial. I hope for your sake you can live separately soon.

Are you sure he isn't actually doing this for you? And the divorce has given him the kick up the arse he needed?

Have you pointed the irony out to him?

I think you a right to be upset and find it hurtful. I would focus on getting him to move out and look at ways you can move on yourself.

What I don't like about this thread is women almost willing him to fail in order to try and make you feel better. "He's a life long alcohol dependent. There's no way he can just switch it off and turn sober forever" and "I agree with other posters that it probably won't last." People regularly give up alcohol, and manage to do so successfully. The break-up might have been the wake-up call he needed, he may have been unhappy for a long time and been using drink to cope, he may have just got stuck in a rut.

You focus on you, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the comments here assuming he'll fail, this attitude is prevalent in society and deeply unhelpful.

I know deep down you're all right, still needed to hear it though, I was starting to think I've made a big mistake but I don't think he'd ever have done it for me or his children.

You and the children weren't enough for him to do this being alone wasn't enfor him to do this his girlfriend will be his crutch unless they split up or he gets comfortable basically he is at a high chance of relapse (lots of alcohol dependent people in my family so I have seen it a lot)

Get your house in order and move on with the divorce and living separately as soon as you can because if he crashes your going to be stuck with it

I agree. If he does sort himself out it’s a good thing for the children and everyone, one way or another. Alcohol is a bastard.

They don't even live together yet, so it probably won't last. They are in a dating phase. You've done the right decision, don't fret over it.

I hope for the children he can change his ways but I don't think he'd describe himself as an alcoholic as in his mind he does what his friends do and their partners don't mind.
However he's met someone who lives a different lifestyle and is adapting to a new life so I've no reason to doubt that he could change but wasn't prepared to for his family.
I don't think he's craving drink as it was habit and lifestyle.
It's just sad that he's enjoying a lifestyle that I wanted us to have while we were married.

Actually, I was one of those posters and I shouldn't have put that. I didn't want to hurt the OP's feelings but he may have been unhappy. It's sad that he didn't deal with it better though.

I hope he does keep staying healthier for his children.

A relative of mine's Husband was the same and he became Mr Perfect with his new partner. I did feel sorry for his children when he started playing happy families with his new partner's children though. He wasn't around much with his children even though he was married to their Mum.

My relative did go on to meet someone who she adores and they are much better suited. Her ex is still with his new partner and seem very happy.

He had settled into what was a comfortable life and existence for him.

You divorcing him was the boot up the arse he needed and he realised if he was single and was going to be back in the dating game he needed to sort himself out.

Alternatively perhaps too he had the midlife thing of realising he isn't young any longer and needed to adjust for his own health and not because someone else wanted him to.

He might not be physically dependent on alcohol but if he had carried on as he was he would have run into trouble eventually. He has already damaged his relationship with you, without realising.

Alcohol was costing him more than money.

I would find that very bitter and upsetting.

However, if you hadn't gone through with the divorce you would still be married to an unfit, heavy drinking husband. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do now, you won't have to spend the rest of your life tied to what would become an increasingly sickly and miserable alcoholic. In other words, if you are going to make a comparison, compare to what your life would in reality have been, not what it could have, would have, should have, been.

He's all on his best behaviour with the new woman at the moment and trying to make himself attractive to her. That will wane eventually. Don't waste your time wishing things were different - the fact is he wasn't willing to change for you and his children, he sounds like a selfish twat. Keep your distance from him as much as possible while you have to share living space. Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel - you will soon be free of him and can live a new life. Start planning what you want to do with that freedom!

Yes I understand how you feel. My ex was an alcoholic, we split up and he lived the sober life that I had wanted for us, with another woman. They married but they're now getting divorced. He isn’t drinking though and our kids are grown up now but it hit really hard at the time that he was giving her his better self (or at least for a while as she has instigated the divorce). You will feel better in time but it does hit hard.

He may be single now but I have zero interest in him. I couldn’t care less if he’s sober or if he finds someone else, all fucks have been given a long time ago.

It doesn’t really matter if it'll last, it’s the fact he wouldn’t change for his wife and children.

his life has evolved around beer and his friends as long as I've known him.

So essentially you were OK with it?