Do I have an easy life?

[Afirethatdoesntstopburning]

Because it feels bloody hard to me.

Dh thinks I do, because I work part time.

I stay with my Dc during the day, who has additional needs, this includes behavioural issues and aggression some days, it’s very difficult. I do all the food shop and meals and general washing and daily tidying/cleaning. I have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight to do a big clean.
Three evenings per week, I go out to work when Dh gets home.
I do all bills, bank things, hospital & Drs appointments, all other sorting and planning etc.
At weekends, I generally do the same as during the week, make all the dinners etc, Dh will sometimes take Dc out alone, if I arrange it.
I don’t really have any time for exercise, washing my hair seems a special occasion at times.
I have no family nearby, I see mum friends sometimes, with my Dc.
Dh thinks I have it ft NJ heasier as he works Mon-Fri 9-5.
After a long day with Dc and then going to work, I feel exhausted and like I have the worst of both worlds. Dh sees it that i’m at home and relaxing

Feel so trapped

I meant all mums ( not single mums)

No, i’d find it far easier going to work then caring for DC all day then working 3 evenings, and doing everything day to day. He is having a laugh if he thinks he has it harder as he is in paid work longer. I bet he has no idea how it feels to work all day, then have to consider what to cook for the family, do that (once collected kids on way home, often from 2 different places), helped kids with homework, baths and bed, then a bit more tidying, preparing for next day. Has he ever done all of that? No, and then done it every single day. Bet he walks in and his dinner is on the table.

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No you don't.

You're need a weekend away and your blokes needs to take over.

It's so easy right?

You'll never get your point across until he's had a taste of it.

Two weekends even!

Sorry you're so upset, I feel like this and my kids don't have any additional needs! I have had loads of chats about making things 'fairer' but it isn't an option - I'm the favourite ... tonight the kids refused to sit anywhere but almost on top of me at dinner - both adorable and frustrating! Making a ton of assumptions without knowing you, I would guess that your DC would miss you desperately if you stopped doing the lions share of parenting, but there are other ways your DH could help. My OH cleans the kitchen every night so there's one thing less for me to do. That started after I had to work a couple of full days in a row ... funny that!

No, that doesn't sound like an easy life. Tell DH to book 2 days off work, you watch the child for the 3 days he is thete but do nothing else, go and stay in a hotel, don't do any of the shopping, cleaning, life admin etc and see how he gets on. He shouldn't have any issue with this given it's so easy.

I assume you have experience of working a full time 9-5 and he doesn't have experience of what you are currently doing?.

If so he cannot determine which is "harder" . But you can.

That's definitely not easy. You're working so, so hard and it's awful that you're dh doesn't appreciate what you do.
Some men are pretty stupid and horrible. They forget that they and their partner are meant to be a team and act like their partner is their competitor, their enemy or just a hindrance.

Who's looking after dc while OP works?

You need one full afternoon a weekend at least. Every weekend. How you are still managing this I don’t know - it’s bloody relentless.

I go to work for a break.
The real work is at home. ESPECIALLY with dc with additional needs.

I would not stand for this level of indifference and total lack of gratitude from my dh. You are at the coal face op. If in doubt, take a long weekend/ week off and let him do it all.

He does, but he comes home to dinner done, nothing else to be done, they watch some tv then go to bed. The nights i’m there I do bedtime

I'm not quite sure why this was directed at me but her DS is 3 or 4 so probably asleep for most of it.

Could you work the weekend rather than weekdays to try and balance things out a bit. So you’re looking after your child while your partner is at work and they’re looking after them while you work. Rather than you doing everything all day every day!

Looking after a child with additional needs is never easy.
My youngest has ADHD and was violent and aggressive when he was younger. I’m a tough old bird and can cope with a lot but that kid damn near broke me!

Your DH has incredibly outdated ideas, OP. Staying at home with DC with additional needs is no joke… I’ve done both and FT office work was a walk in the park by comparison. If going away during the week is difficult, could you manage a weekend away so DH is the only one in charge for a bit? Don’t ask him, tell him this is happening (provided he can be trusted to keep DC safe). It will get easier once DC starts school but it sounds like your DH is the main problem here. YANBU at all!

OP what sort of jerk is your husband?! He sounds awful, how can he think you have an easy life. You do difficult childcare, chores, life admin, plus work. I'd say HE has the easier life. Sorry OP, l know it sounds extreme, but I couldnt be with someone like him, who doesnt respect you at all

No you wouldn't... its easy to make sweeping statements behind a screen.

It sounds like your current set up is hard for you both. Presumably three nights a week your dh is parenting on his own after full time work too? It sounds like you have no other childcare support and are trying to fit in as much paid work as possible around it?

I suspect it will be better when school starts. Is there any possibility of you both changing hours so that you can share pick up and drop off? It might be easier of you both work during the day and share parenting and household chores at night

Until then is there any chance of respite care?

Why do you have everything done for him the nights he’s there and you’re not? Make sure he makes dinner, tidied up, gives them baths etc, and has some laundry to do. Then he might have a better idea.

everyone thinks everyone else has it easier than them but if you swapped he’d be telling you how difficult he has it- was listening to friends saying how other friend has a nice set up work wise, she was telling me how difficult some of her colleagues are and wishing she had other friends’ job!

So that's his experience of being home with the kids; he thinks it's that easy.

Time for you to get much busier doing your own things at weekends so you get a break! He needs to experience it first hand.

Oh good grief this sounds like hell.

Leaving him is not the first option. You need a conversation about what is fair.

To me I believe fair is you both having equal spare time. So if he leaves at 8 and gets home at 6 and you 'work' at home that time then evenings and weekends should be split.

If DC go to nursery and you're relaxing rather than working during that time then fair you do more after school or at weekends.

Do not fall into the trap where he has kids on sat morning whilst you do shopping then you gave them on Sunday whilst he plays golf - that is not equal!

I hope he will listen and engage. I feel due to his comments he won't. The alternative is you working full time then it would obviously be fair to split all other childcare and chores 50:50.

In reality most women still carry the lions share but not to the extent that you do and not with such an unappreciative partner.

Good luck.

Why is it a competition about whose life is hardest? Surely you started out as an equal team. It so easily can be unbalanced but you’re meant to pull together. Can you each talk about what you are finding hard and try to find some positive solutions to make life run so you are both happy with workload and also get equal down time.

Everyone needs some time to themselves to go for a walk, see friends, have a bath whatever. Also can you find some babysitters who can manage your DC and have some good times together so conversation not all about domestic drudgery. You need some things to look forward to. Good luck with opening up a discussion.

I'd go away for the weekend and leave him to it-see how easy he finds it then!