Hairdresser/friend dilemma

[NoForwardingAddress]

I've been going to my hairdresser for about 7 years. We met as our kids were at school together. We've become friends too and socialise alone and with our kids regularly.

She used to be good. The problem is, for whatever reason, she's been doing a poor job for maybe the last 8 ish months. I don't know what's changed with her, I just feel like I've now had a run of 4 or 5 bad dye jobs and not great cuts either. I have highlights, and where they used to look natural, they now look stripey and yellow. Today, I finally took the plunge and tried to diplomatically ask for finer more natural highlights, she said she'll tone it for me. It wasn't until she'd blow-dried it that I saw she's essentially covered all my highlights with brown dye/toner, so I now look like I have no highlights at all 😩 wtf. It's really dull and drab looking and doesn't suit my skin tone.

My husband has said I need to stop going to her but it's just so awkward as she'll know I'm seeing a different hairdresser as I obviously see her all the time. I love her as a friend and don't want to upset her, but my hair looks rubbish. I don't know how she can't see it looks bad.

How do you think I should approach this?

When is your birthday? Or for Mother's Day /Easter treat. - say dh has booked you in at a new place in town as a treat.. And you feel obliged to go!!.

If she is a good friend, it's best to be absolutely honest.
I did a project mock up for my friend and she turned around and said "This is lovely but isn't quite what I had in mind. I have another person who was recommended to me which might be a better fit for this project. But thank you so much for your help". Zero issues with that! I have confidence in my skills and there are other professionals with different skills. All cool.

Maybe she doesn't want to do your hair anymore so is doing a bad job in hope that you'll stop asking?!

That's a really good idea! This could be a goer.

And then what? You are going to continue coming up with another lie every time you need to see a hairdresser?

I have actually considered this as I just don't how she can go from great to not great, and apparently not see the difference herself 🤔

However, she always prompts me booking my next appointment. Either at the end of my appointment she'll get my next one in her diary, or she'll text and ask me when I want to book in. If she didn't want to do my hair any more, I think she'd be unlikely to do that?

I’d say something like - “i feel like im in a bit of a rut with my hair at the moment so i think I'm going to try a different hairdresser for some new ideas.” And leave it at that. Tell be a bit awkward but not for long

Hmm yeah, good point 🤦‍♀️

Half truth. Tell her someone has recommended a new hairdresser and salon and that you are going to give it a go in an effort to modernise your style / look / try something new. If you’re middle aged maybe reference this as a reason for wanting to do things differently.

I can't understand why she's suddenly bad?

Do you have other friends who use her? Have they noticed anything?

Does she have vision problems? Using cheaper products? Rushing it?

Are you not a bit worried about her?

I agree if she's a real friend you should definitely work out a way of raising it with her. Pretending DH has booked somewhere else is the kind of thing you say to someone who isn't a friend but whom you don't want to have to be honest with
.

Honestly, it sounds like she is taking shortcuts because you are a friend or are using inferior products.

I would either go hi x, just wondering if you have changed brands over the last few months. I am not getting the same results as before. Just wondering if I am not suited to your current brand.

Or just say hi x. Sorry finances are tight over the next few months. Just to give you the heads up I having to do my own hair. Sorry, I will probably fry it off but needs must. Then wear it in a messy ponytail with a hat or headband for a while.

Or just be honest, politely but constructively.

And then , if asked, you should say actually you really like the way this new hairdresser does your hair so you’re going to stick with her

This is evidently a unique aspect of British culture that I will never understand. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings so you disrespect them by lying instead... and if she finds out that you are lying, you don't think the feelings are going to be hurt and friendship damaged. It's a very odd approach indeed.

Here is a cracking lie that could work long term

tell her you have a family / friend of friends / neighbours daughter who is at hairdressing college and needs to do several models for free over the next 6 months and you feel obligation to help her
so you can meet your friend and show off the students do and say “ what do your think? it’s not as good as you but hey ho I’m doing a favour
your friend may get the hint that this student is doing a better job than her and leave you alone
after the 6 months you can say the students friend has asked you to model for her and so it goes on …
just be v secret where you do get your hair done , dark glasses , fake name etc

I have another friend who uses her, but literally just has a teeny trim and blowdry every 6 weeks, never looks any different. She's a friend, but she's also got a big mouth and I wouldn't trust her not to say something to someone, which would be much worse if it got back to hairdresser friend

I don't know any of her other clients personally. She post photos on social media that look fine, but so do the pictures she posts of mine. She often puts like a sparkly filter over the photos she posts so it's hard to tell what the hair would look like IRL.

She seems fine in herself. No vision problems and not rushing. Perhaps it's cheaper/different products. But I don't know how she's not noticing the difference herself.

Some good excuses here. When it happened to me, I told my (lovely but incompetent) hairdresser that a group of colleagues had found a really good/cheap hair stylist right close to work who could fit me in at lunchtimes and it was really good for me to have that time saved after work/Saturdays so that I could see more of my family (or whatever)

Does she charge you? X

I think you have two options here:

1. Go with the “Other half bought me a voucher and I was really happy, so I’m going back” angle.
2. Be honest and say you weren’t very happy last time, but felt awkward saying because you’ve become friends. You want that to continue, so you’re going to go elsewhere from now on.

Let’s be honest - she won’t be happy with either version. But there’s no magic option where you get your hair done by someone else and she isn’t offended. You’re on a hiding to nothing with that. My personal opinion is that you’d be better off with option two - with option one, she’ll probably keep trying to tempt you back.

As a side note, my aunt is a hairdresser and used to do most of the family’s hair. Her DIL opted to go to a salon instead and it didn’t go down well, but once it was done, the worst was over. My mother, however, is still having her hair done by my aunt, who is now 80 with shaky hands and who shouldn’t be cutting hair at all - but Mum can’t bring herself to say it’s time to stop, even though she’s never quite happy with her hair anymore.

@pimplebum that could be an idea. The only issue is that she has something to do with the hairdressing college near us, so would probably ask my fictional relative's name. But I could say it's in our nearest city or somewhere else not too implausibly far away.

Yes, full price. No mates rates (not that I'd accept them if she offered).

I would say she's on the cheaper end, though, compared to when I used to go to a proper salon. She has a home salon, so I assume that's why she's cheaper.

@BucketBouquet thanks for your response. I do think me going elsewhere will definitely offend/upset her. But then looking in the mirror at my hair upsets and offends me 😩

I had this issue too. I ended up saying, I'll text you.to.book.in,.as.i.need to.check.my calendar. Then I started going elsewhere. When she asked who did my.hair, I said my husband bought me a hair and pamper session at a new place. That ended.it.all.

so maybe there could be a few things, she could be undercharging because products have gone up a lot. She’s rushing because you’re a friend and less likely to say anything, I’m not sure?

Maybe you could say, hi I feel really awkward and this is hard to say because obviously we’re really good friends, but, I can’t not say anything because I’m feeling really down about it, but, I really am not happy with my hair. So I don’t know what to do? I don’t want it stripey like a tiger, and I don’t want it dull. I want nice blonde vanilla highlights, and it’s not that! So I don’t know if it’s because you think that’s unachievable or because I don’t pay you enough, I really don’t know, so can you do that or would you be offended if I went somewhere else because it’s actually really getting me down. My hair is my crown I don’t take off it’s not like I can just change it like my clothes and it needs to look how I want it to? So what do you think is going to be the best thing?….maybe something like that

@Snicksnacksnora tiger stripes is the perfect description!

I don't feel like she's going any quicker than before, but she does go on about how busy and fully booked she is, so maybe she is rushing things a bit.