To go through CMS when ex was 3 days late paying

[Evecob]

Hi all, just want a bit of perspective.

Bit of backstory, my ex and I were together 13 years, decided to separate last september, my reasons were due to emotional, psychological and rarely physical abuse which was on and off the whole relationship. He was removed from the family home in October for assault and dangerous driving while our children were in the car. He has bail conditions not to contact me or go to the house. He now lives with his dad. This is ongoing as he pled not guilty so it is going to trial..

Our 2 children 6 and 4 live in the family home with me full time. He has not seen the kids since October. I requested proof of therapy to show commitment to change in behaviour as a boundary to seeing them but he has refused. I spoke to a contact centre to arrange visits that way, he also refused this.

He works full time and on an average/good salary. We agreed via his father by text messages for him to pay £90 less than what CMS suggested 1st of each month. This was a struggle but he agreed..

The first 3 months he paid on the 1st as agreed.. some days i noticed it was late, once i had to remind him to pay. I had to send reminders regarding other fees he kept "forgetting" so each month i find myself worrying if he will pay.

The past few weeks there have been issues. He blocked access to joint emails, and the account for my phone and internet were in his name (but I pay for), he locked me out and cancelled my phone contract. (This was great as now i have my own account and phone but he still has broadband in his name and refuses to move to my name). Anyway, this month he didnt pay CMS on the 1st as usual. I checked next day and waited until the 3rd in the morning. Still nothing. So decided to put in CMS claim.

On the 4th i saw the payment was in at last...but i already put in the claim.

I feel like it shouldnt be on me to remind him/his dad to pay it. At best he is forgetting, at worst he is using this as a tool to control me and i dont want this. However sticking to this and we go through CMS i know he will be mad and have to pay more now.

AiBU to change my mind without communicating and going via CMS?

What is the reason you haven’t gone through CMS and have agreed to £90 less than what CMS suggests?

I meant to say prior to today* I know you’ve put a claim in now.

Honestly.. fear he wasnt going to pay in the first place and guilt that i took steps to report him and he got removed from the house

No you aren't unreasonable. He fucked around and now he'll find out. He had his chance to be reasonable but he decided to play games and be an arsehole. He thought could control you with money and have you dance to his tune, you've showed him he was very wrong. Well done you. As for the broadband, if it's in his name then you can't end it, what you can do is start a new broadband contract in your name, either with the same provider or a new one. Then he'll be paying for broadband that no one is using. I'd suggest doing it soon because hell no doubt cancel it at the worst possible time for you.

Thank you for your message and advice.

I did call my current provider to get a new broadband but it kept getting cancelled because apparently you can only have 1 line to 1 house... he is keeping his address as mine and telling them he wants to keep his, so they refuse mine.

I will have to get a new provider. The only other issue us the contract in his name that im currently paying for ends in 2026 so its a hefty fee to cancel, so im guessing thats why he doesnt want to cancel it.

YANBU for going to CMS, but I’m sure I’ve read on here that they do nothing about payments being late unless they’re over 5 days late? So you may still be in the same position (though £90 up).

It’s done now and you’re better off. I had the same thing with my ex. Sometimes he’d be in a mood on the pay day and not transfer it just to spite me. He went nuts when I went through CMS because he couldn’t dangle it like a carrot on a string anymore. I didn’t care. It was security for me and the DCs.

oh lovely, he’s still controlling you. He can turn off your broadband any time, do you need it for work or the kids or anything? He controls how much he pays you and when, you’re worrying about him, chasing him, being refused the ability to control your own household bills and you’re running on fear and guilt still. This is still abuse, this is as much as he can do from afar and as soon as he’s able he’ll dial it up again.
it was a struggle to get him to agree less than he’s required to pay - it’s like he’s done you a favour by agreeing. Yanbu to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Cms can deal with him now.

The only other issue us the contract in his name that im currently paying for ends in 2026 so its a hefty fee to cancel, so im guessing thats why he doesnt want to cancel it
that seems like a him problem? He can transfer to your name, or he can keep it himself so it’s his bill in his name and it’s his problem. He’s able to decide which option works best for him so you don’t need to feel any guilt if he chooses to keep the bill.

YADNBU

Have you amended council tax records to show he is not living there?

Just take out a new contract for the broadband.

If it’s not in your name you’re not responsible for paying it.

Sod him. He's had chances, he's chosen not to take them.

You cannot be chasing maintenance every month - so perfectly fine to put in CMS's hands. His own fault he now needs to pay more - that is the consequence of him acting like a dick.

You need to sort out your broadband - he's chosen to ignore the subject, so if he ends up with a hefty cancellation fee it is again the consequence for acting like a dick.

Same goes for anything else that is in his name or he has access to. Cancel it, and set up stuff in your own name.

Yeah i have done this :) And adjusted all other bills to reduce now he isnt using up as much water and electricity.. he would game ALL the time so my electricity bill has dropped by £30!

Yeah thanks. At least there will be record of it and i wont have to chase or directly worry. Plus get what the children deserve, right? I feel foolish now for agreeing to less but i was/am trauma bonded... im doing so much better now being away from him, im happy and our kids are thriving.. but thst guilt is still there in the background. Trying not to let it get in the way of putting in boundaries ... which is whybwe are in the position we are now anyway... putting boundaries in!

You did the right thing. I have a fairly amicable relationship with my ex, agreed for him to pay (far far) less than CMS would have him due to him being constantly in debt/me being in a luckier position of not desperately needing the money. He still flakes and needs reminding that the first of the month has yet again arrived. More expensive times of year such as Christmas he makes wishy washy remarks about ‘giving me more if I need it’ but of course that means having to straight up ask him. Any time he bungs me an extra £50 he’s so very pleased with himself - it’s still at least £250 less than he should be paying…

The point of this personal rant is, that if even an ex you can just about get along with plays silly buggers, you have little chance with an abusive arse who’s obviously playing controlling games. He needs a clear message that (as a PP said), you fuck around and find out. This is for your children, it’s not about playing around to personally mess with you.

Good! And well done for putting in the boundaries

No reason at all for you to feel guilty for his behaviour!

It's never unreasonable to go through CMS, that's what they're for. The only reason you wouldn't is if the ex is voluntarily paying more than they have to and pay on time, every time. Some actually do, apparently, but for the majority of cases it's best to go through CMS.

So sorry he is still controlling you emotionally, undoubtedly his aim here is to keep him firmly in your thoughts. Arsehole!

Re the broadband, EE currently offering up to £300 to get you out of current broadband supplier, this may help?

Best of luck you you x

Message him telling him you have cancelled the direct debit for the broadband and that he either need to take over the payment or transfer the account to your name. I imagine he'll transfer it pretty quickly....

He's pushing boundaries and trying to exert control. He's now going to find out that by acting like a child he gets treated like a child. You can't hold him to his word so now he loses the privilege of being able to form an adult agreement.

None of this is on you. He dicked about with the payments, repeatedly, intentionally. His fault, now his problem

How can you communicate with him when he had your phone cut off? 😁

Consequences of actions, really.

Is there any chance he was caught up in the Barclays fuck around last Friday? If so he might not have got paid until Monday.

But saying that I would go through CMS regardless unless he's self employed and can fiddle his earning so you end up with 0.

No he doesnt bank with barclays. I gave him the benefit of the doubt by checking monday but it still hadnt gone through

It's difficult isn't it to know what's the right thing to do - I have the same dilemma - ex has been gone almost 3 years but pays late more often than not and I have to chase. If I go through CMS formally though I don't want to sour an already tenuous relationship but at the same time it's stressful every month watching for the bank notification that it's gone in

Yeah. Totally understand this. Im healing atm and trying to assert boundaries that i was never shown in childhood and i think allowing them to control this is not ok... i dont want this worry every month. But i also worry about the relationship souring more than it already is... but its on his actions.....still feels wrong which is why i needed to come here for another perspective!