Dad put on end of life, to take time off work?

[nosent]

For context my mother was diagnosed with an autoimmune liver condition last year & placed on the transplant list. She was given her liver transplant on 28th dec 2024 and I have been her primary carer since. I also have 2 small children under 2.

My dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in 2024 as well. He was admitted to hospital in January of this year with pneumonia.

As my mum had been in hospital for 3 weeks post-transplant I was visiting her every day & working from the hospital so nearly doing full time. My brother was visiting my dad who was in a different hospital.

Yesterday they called to say they are putting my dad on end of life care & expect him to have weeks- months left. Obviously this is really upsetting & along with the stress of my mum I am struggling to cope.

I work 85% full time (every 3 Fridays off) and my husband works away in the military Mon-Fri.

Ideally I would like to spend time with my dad in hospital if he is at the end of life, but logistically with work it doesn’t work. My mum can’t visit him as she’s on a high level of immunosuppressants, so he is spending a lot of time alone.

I can’t afford to take unpaid leave as my children are in nursery 4 days per week, mortgage etc.. Would I be unreasonable to get signed off work for a few weeks by the doctor so I can get myself together & focus on my dad?

Not unreasonable at all. Contact your GP.

What an awful situation OP. So sorry you are going through this.

Imo this is one of the things that sick leave is for. Take the time off.

Your GP will sign you off. Not unreasonable at all.

Family should always come first. Get signed off so you can spend time with your dad and continue the care of your mum whilst still looking after your children. You have a lot to deal with right now, something has to give or you will burn out and be no good for your family or employers. In my opinion work is the only thing you can let go, you need to continue to care for your children and you need to be there for your parents too. Your irreplaceable to them, you are not irreplaceable at work.

Any decent GP will have no problem signing you off. Family come first. Spend as much time as you can with your Dad, sadly my experience of oesophegal cancer it happens fairly rapidly.

It sounds like you are genuinely stressed and not able to cope with being in work on top of your personal life at the moment, so going off sick sounds like it is the right thing for you to do

End of life though can sometimes go on for a lot longer than anticipated, and sometimes can be a lot shorter so it's not as simple as x diagnosis for a parent means go off, it's individual on how you cope and what else is going on in your personal life

Not unreasonable at all.

I always say that your employer would replace you tomorrow if you popped your clogs. We like to think we are indispensable to the workplace but we rarely aren’t, we are just cogs in a machine.

On the other hand you’ll never get back the time with your dad. Take the time off.

Get signed off by your doctor. Take the time off.

Do it. No-one on their death bed ever wished they had worked more. Take the time, do it let your poor dad die alone.

Yep. I had no problems getting signed off by my GP twice, once after my DH's diagnosis, to nurse him through his chemo, and again a year later to nurse him through his end of life care.

I'm sorry, you have an awful lot on your plate. I also think it's worth a trip to your GP, there's only so much someone can cope with at once.

On a different note (and sorry if this is unhelpful), is there anything you can do to facilitate contact between your mum and dad? That must be very tough for them, as well as you and your brother. I was wondering things like asking if your dad could be moved to a side room if possible (if visiting in those circumstances would be possible for your mum, as in she wouldn't be exposed to a main ward), or if your dad would be suitable and would want hospice care (which would have less people so maybe lower risk for your mum), or perhaps zoom/facetime.

I hope everything works out for you and the next few weeks - months are as easy as they can be in the horrible circumstances you're all in.

@nosent you should do what you need to do but I just want to flag up this comment “ they called to say they are putting my dad on end of life care & expect him to have weeks- months left“. I would perhaps clarify with the ward what exactly are they meaning , end of life care would generally mean a short time ( as opposed to palliative care which could even be for years) but this comment suggests they are not looking at imminent end of life and there may be quite a lengthy time ahead. I’m ex-hospice and know that making a prognosis can be very difficult but would highlight that on a number of occasions we had people transferred to us for end of life care, only for us to discharge them home or to a care home because the person improved enough with TLC in the more restful space of a hospice. If things at work may become difficult at a later stage when you would need to take time off again, then just bare this in mind.

Hospitals must still have the ipads and tablets they used in lockdown for contact - or do you have ones that can be used? Its not the same but its better than no contact. I would also speak to Sister at both hospitals and ask them if they can co-ordinate them being in the same place somehow. Worth a chat.

I would take a couple of weeks now (sick leave) to sort out some ways of dealing with all this and allow yourself to start grieving. You don't say what you do but could you reduce time a bit more to help and still manage financially?

When my Mum was dying and I was helping care (along with others) I know my Dad helped me out financially with some costs as it was a big help to me as self employed and in tricky times as well.

Not unreasonable at all, and completely understandable.
Will your company give you paid time? Or is this going to create other consequences that you may need to consider before committing to it?
As others have said, I would also ask your dad's hospital for clarity on exactly what they mean. And keep asking if you need to. Sometimes it can be a lot to take in at once.
Is there a way that is safer for your mum to be able to see him? When my dad was dying in hospital, she was bed bound at home. Although it was a risk to her, getting her in to say her goodbyes was so important. And seemed to help him to relax and slip away.

Its a lot to deal with. Take care of yourself too.

My dad got cancer - was doing ok, then collapsed and died 3 wks after diagnosis. We got the call from hospital to say he'd died. He was only there to start his chemo. I never got to sit with him, talk to him or say goodbye. So - take the time - and spend the time with your dad.

Not at all unreasonable.

My husband was once very ill in hospital and I was stressing about going sick (after having used up all my leave entitlement). My manager rang me back on his own phone off the record and said if this company wanted to get rid of us it would without a second thought, so don’t put your job above your family. Get yourself signed off, look after your husband, and we’ll sort it all out later. So I did., Funnily enough two years later covid hit and the company, who I’d worked for 23 years, offered voluntary redundancy or a lesser contract. They were awful to us. I ended up leaving.

Take the time off. I was my mum’s carer while my dad was on end of life care. It was an exhausting time. You have to try to look after yourself too. And don’t beat yourself up if you can’t be there every moment. Do your best. He will know.

It’s reasonable to ask for as much unpaid time off as you need right now to be with your Mum and Dad.

If you are genuinely stressed and ill with all this (and I wouldn’t be surprised if you are), then as others say see your GP who will sign you off sick.

If your company has a policy around paid compassionate leave then take some. This varies a lot though as I think it’s entirely discretionary. Some places it’s none. Some places eg civil service you may get a couple of months.

However if your employer doesn’t offer paid compassionate leave and you aren’t sick yourself then expecting to be paid while not working is understandable but not reasonable.

Kindly though It sounds like things with your parents could go on for weeks or months. Depending on your employer may exhaust your allowance for fully paid sick and compassionate leave quite quickly.

Given everything is there anything you can do to put yourself in a position where if you to you can afford some unpaid time off? Do you have an emergency fund saved up? Can you ask for a short repayment break on the mortgage? These things are there for the “rainy days” and it’s definitely pouring for you right now.

Absolutely do this OP, you will never look back and regret spending this time with your dad. Your work would suffer anyway and your stress levels must be off the charts. I'm really sorry for what you are going through 💐

My dad suffered a cardiac arrest last year, it was unlikely he would pull through (he did by some miracle but it was touch and go for a good month), my GP had an online form to fill in for a sick note, I just put the details of what had happened, said i wasn't sure how long I would need given the dire situation and they just sent me a line for 4 weeks. Didn't have to see anyone, was just an email through. At a time of much stress I was incredibly thankful it was one less plate to spin and I could focus on visiting Dad and supporting my mum with whatever she needed.

You GP will happily sign you off sick.
Whether you get paid for this depends upon your contact

You sound stressed OP. Anyone would be in your situation, you’re juggling a lot. Sign yourself off sick for a week, book in with your GP, and go and have a good cry in their office. I’m sure after a few weeks off sick you’ll be in a better head space and be more focused on work (the official line). If not, you take more time. Don’t return before you’re ready.

We work to live, not the other way around. Family first. Create some memories with your dad, whatever that looks like in his final chapter x

Yes this seems pretty clear OP, given your circumstances I would take the time off so you can try and manage all of this. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I was very lucky in the same situation I went off sick from work and they were extremely understanding have you spoken to them 1st you may not need to be signed off. I was able to stay with my dad day and night until the end. Which was nearly 2 weeks. I then did end up being signed off as I returned to work to soon after so my only advice would be don't rush back. It can take its toll on you being around someone on end of life care trying to be constantly positive in a situation that isn't going to get better really does wear you out. Big hugs x

YANBU but, can a doctor actually sign you off sick if you're not sick?