To ask this about abusive parents ?

[Devilgate]

Why do abusive parents behave like they do?

Surely they would know that their behaviour destroys their child’s self confidence.

children who are not self confident are more prone to get themselves into difficult situations thus making the parents life subsequently more difficult in turn?

They enjoy it. A bit like how some cats enjoy torturing small animals.

I’ve never understood it. It’s like wanting your dc to fail. It’s so much harder for those who don’t have the support of a good parent. The ones I know I think are extremely self centred narcissists. I know one who’s jealous of their dc. I just can’t imagine not wanting the absolute best for your own dc.

My parents were abusive but not intentionally. They were just wrapped up in themselves, affairs, drinking, violence etc. They didn’t dislike me as such, they were just immature and preoccupied with their own stuff. I have become the adult I needed in return, never gave them a day of trouble and now they see me with my own children and feel deep regret I’d imagine. My brother is eyeballs deep in therapy and doesn’t speak to them. I’ve chosen to thrive instead and just tell them they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. Pointless holding grudges.

I'm shocked by how naturally it can come if you grew up with it. I grew up in a very verbally and emotionally abusive environment and I swore DS would never experience the same - thinking it takes a conscious effort. But sometimes something truly awful finds it's way right to the tip of my tongue and I have to bite it back. If I hadn't put in the time/effort/therapy/hours of anxious worrying into exactly how I'd deal with those words if I thought them (Ie never, ever say them) I imagine I could've said plenty without really noticing.

Hmm good point - thanks for responding. You’re no doubt right.

But then small animals can’t make the cat’s life more difficult in turn, can they? But sbused children can go on to act in ways which eventually backfires on the parents.

That's the point of it - to destroy any glimmers of self confidence.

Nothing like cats, though. Cats are instinctive predators, there's no moral expectations that cats can understand and can then choose to abandon for pleasure. They're not human, they're cats.

I think few abusive parents enjoy it. Most have their own trauma or attachment issues which lead to their actions. Not an excuse at all, but definitely a reason.

@LittleRedRidingHoody absolutely agree, and well done for being brave and saying it. I’m the same. I’m in therapy and I’m trying so so hard. I’m not a violent person, at all, I’m a people pleaser, introverted and quiet. Never been in trouble in my life. But with my children, I can feel such rage and that I want to hurt (physically) and punish them. It’s almost dehumanised / disassociated. When I’m pushed to the edge (as all small children do), I want to slam her head into the wall.

I never have, by the way, I’m just saying it’s frightening that it exists somewhere inside of me.

But that’s the thing - WHY destroy glimmers of self confidence - and sorry my capitals are directed at the abusers not anyone on this thread.

Because surely parents would benefit from more confident children

Snap, well apart from me thinking they regret anything. They didn't/don't have the emotionally maturity/intelligence for that. They don't self reflect.

Hurt people hurt people

Power. The power to wipe that joyful smile off their little face.

It's not even conscious sometimes. It's just who they are and they don't even question it.

I don't think some of them see it as abuse and they lie to themselves that it's justified so they can act shocked when the child goes off the rails or struggles in life.
I think it's usually people who are very self absorbed naturally or due to addiction issues.. or people who lack emotional maturity and insight into themselves.
In short I think most abusers just either justify their behaviour to themselves or are in complete denial

How do they? If you want your children to be your therapist and at your beck and call in childhood and into adulthood you don't want them confident as they'd tell you to sod off. You want them nervous and doubting themselves so they remain there to care for you.

Why do abusive parents behave like they do?

They were abused themselves?
They are under immense pressure / stress?
They have an abusive / unsupportive partner?
They have no, or very little outside support?
They think physical punishment is ok?

I think power seeking, they usually want you to do ok in life but not better than them

My mother was never more angry than when things were going well for me. My misery made her ecstatic.

Can you explain what you mean saying that children who are abused cause problems for their parents? I never did. Unless you count my rare happy days being annoying for her. I think you mean something else though?

Some are doing their best with bad mental health, addiction and shit personalities past trauma

some think they are doing a great job as parents but have strange ideas , I am thinking extreme parenting ideas such as v strict religious or extreme ideologies

im a loving parent who would do anything for my kids but my kids are on social media 10 hours a day and dont eat fruit or veg so some would see that as woefully lax verging on abusive parenting but the fact that I worry about it and am always trying to address these issues separates me from a “ don’t care” abusive mum to “trying my best” crappy mum

Thank you. I agree. With your narcissist
comment you’ve described my mum.

called me fat, clumsy lazy, selfish - got drunk a lot of the time even when I was in primary school knowing I didn’t like it

Jay Reid on youtube explains this extremely well.

I'll have a go: some abusive parents have a mentality where they have to constantly be superior/in control of others, even if their own dc have to take the hit. Especially their dc, as they can't get away.

The fact it might make you a more difficult child (it often doesn't, as a pp said) they couldn't care less, if anything they might get sympathy for that, and even more reason to tear the child down.

Love to anyone else who went through this.

Lack of awareness sometimes. Transfering their shitty mood onto their kids
and blaming them to make themselves feel better. I remember being smacked a lot when my mum was stressed. Also, if they haven’t been loved (which is a gift), they don’t have it to pass on. They don’t know how.

That does ring true Ohbow.

They are fucked up adults, wrapped up in their own problems, frustration and failures.
Many times they were ill treated themselves by their own parents, therefore bringing their issues onto their children.
I cut the circle by not having a kid, parents were highly emotionally abusive.
Not just myself, whole generation were forced to live with these small minded frustrates /another country/.
Step sister in a MH asylum, cousin decided he didn't want to live anymore at 28.
I have one surviving parent in said country, who is 82, lives in a massive family apartment
and I cannot wait to be able to claim my inheritance and start building my own life, no husband, no anyone else. 😜

Because they feel shit about them selfs so beat us to make them selfs feel better.
But as we grow they seem to think we will forget it but we dont we grow to hate them and they wonder why.
When you tell them you get told that didnt happen or in my case you cant live in the pass.

Well dear mother i ran away from home at 14 seen you 4 times in 24 year No i wont cry when you die as i dont nore have i ever seen you as a mother i wont be at your send off i have far more better things to do that day.
All your so called friends left you in the end due to your lies and finding out you was a monster behind closed doors.
If your wondering why your life is so fucking bad now and all your kids are NC and your alone look in the mirror you caused your own karma.