To ask this about abusive parents ?

[Devilgate]

Why do abusive parents behave like they do?

Surely they would know that their behaviour destroys their child’s self confidence.

children who are not self confident are more prone to get themselves into difficult situations thus making the parents life subsequently more difficult in turn?

Because they aren't doing it to you.

They live the definition of a selfish life and usually don't have the cognitive skills to think about reaping what they sow, and when they sow a problem the shrug their shoulders and ignore it.

They literally just care about instant self gratification. It's not about you.

Good point. When my daughter was young and I would brush her hair, everytime she wiggled I had to squash a response to hit her around the head with the brush. I never did but because my mum always did with me it was in me. I was so surprised when the feeling came over me. I’m naturally calm so it was easy to repress but it was there nonetheless.

This is so good for what you’re talking about:

https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9781742377018/buddhism-for-mothers/used

My father enjoys it. He'll be horribly cruel and then laugh at your reaction.
My mother, she just doesn't like to see anyone happy, or having what she thinks is a better time than she is. And again, she enjoys cruelty.

She liked to tell me I could go and play at a friend's house, for example, and when I got back she would scream at me for hours until she was literally frothing at the mouth, about how she'd never said any such thing. I'd made it all up out of selfishness, etc. She'd only stop when I "admitted" it.

Power and cruelty.

Control. Pure and simple. If they knock you so much then belittle you then all you have is them meaning they have more power and control over you as your self esteem is at rock bottom so you cling to them as they are really the insecure ones. It is horrific but it happens. Happened to me, my mum thought she could control me all my life but she could not. I will never do it to my kids. It is abuse.

My parents are simply very immature people. This means they treat their children like a grumpy 2 yo might, biting when they are frustrated. Or a raging hormonal teen screaming “it's not faaaaiiiir!”
I don't think overall they want to hurt me, more that they are lashing out because they are feeling big feelings. And had no business having children.

What did you do to get over these feelings? Just squash it down? Did it ever go away and is your relationship with your DC as an adult affected? (Ie did you manage to develop a dynamic without these feelings?)

Yes I think it was immaturity in my parents as well

I think they were not shown love as children, and they repeat what they know. I would bet very few are thinking about the long term consequences of their parenting in the way you describe.

I really can't imagine how any parent would want to harm their own child. Don't they feel that rush of love when they are born?
But if they have grown up in an atmosphere of violence themselves, I can see why past trauma would make them more susceptible to repeating patterns of behaviour.

Some people have no capacity for happiness and resent it in other people.

Just listening to him now. Thank you for suggesting.

I know with my mum after reading about it, she expected me to act like her parent. She wanted me to focus my energy on how great she was and also be there as an emotional punching bag if she needed to rage at something. She broke my confidence because anything I did which indicated I was going to grow up and be my own person meant I couldn’t be her captive cheerleader.
I don’t even know what it would have been like to have a supportive loving mother and sometimes I look at other mother daughters and wonder

^ I think this. Emotional immaturity and ‘needing’ their children so they never let you be your own person

There is no excuse though & I think my own Narc parent could have done a lot better

I have been reading ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ and it’s helped me a lot