Or have you ever felt like a teacher just didn’t like your DC?

[Letthemeatcakebbz]

Trying to remain quite lighthearted about this but it’s still bugging me mostly because I’m not sure what exactly I’ve done to bother the woman.

my DD, 5, has a split teaching rota. So she had one teacher half the week ( So chatty and kind from what I’ve observed so far but I try not to be the parent who’s badgering them after school so I haven’t spoken to her a huge amount. I have had a few interactions with that one though and she was just so warm and lovely about DD. It made me feel like she ‘gets’ her and my DD will be happy in her care. )

the other one literally couldn’t be any different if she tried. It’s almost like a cliche Disney comparison. And she’s the one I’ve had more time in the company of. She’s very well put together but also quite reserved and ‘clipped’ in her manner. The first red flag was that she attended a child planning meeting for my DD, a multidisciplinary meeting to discuss a child’s needs. My DD is currently diagnosed with ASD). There were five adults in the room and everyone had so much to say and share, you could tell people had got a real feel for DDs personality and her needs.
DD is a bit of a character, but hasn’t presented as challenging in school. She was much higher need in a nursery setting annd then school seems to have given her a lot more structure annd predictability and all of a sudden she’s become a lot more able to mask and manage her needs during the school day. Which obviously has its pluses and minuses. We get the overwhelm and burnout at home but she’s coping at school so I’m grateful for that.

Again, all the staff in that meeting were just really warm and lovely about her. And yet, this teacher, who is the one actually spending all day with DD , and surely would know the most about how she’s coping… said not a word. She didn’t speak through the meeting, she looked a bit flustered and bemused when asked questions and really looked like she just thought the whole thing was a waste of her time. I think for a class teacher to sit through a CPM and not say a WORD is really quite bizarre.

DD is very heavily masking at school. Which I think is ok to a point because it’s a skill that will be useful to her in life. But it does mean that her difficulties and challenges are not always ‘obvious’. She doesn’t behave in a particularly challenging way at school, and I’m beginning to get the feeling that this teacher might have taken a dislike to us as a family because she maybe can’t be bothered with being asked to be aware of her being neurodivergent , if she maybe thinks that DD is not? I have convinced myself that she resents having to attend CPMs and make adjustments for her. I know that sounds a big leap. But the only interaction I HAVE had with her was to just quickly ask her about something which is related to my daughter’s ASD, I basically said, I just wanted to ask if there’s anything relating to this behaviour you’ve seen in the classroom so I know if this is just a home thing…
And, the WAY she looked at me!? She screwed her whole face up as though really keen to emphasise how ridiculous she thought the suggestion was and said ‘no, I can’t imagine her having difficulty with that’

it felt a bit unprofessional and judgy but then again, I know how hard teaching is. My best friend is a teacher, I know it’s hard when parents are bombarding you at the end of the day with lots and lots of bits of information and requests and especially with five year olds, I guess there’s a lot of parents who really do think the world revolves around their own little darlings. I also think there is a lot of expectation on teachers to bend over backwards meeting individual needs of children, and there’s a lot less expectation on parents and children, and a real quickness to throw issues at the school and expect them to sort it. I try SO hard not to give that impression and I tried to write this one off as maybe me having got her at a bad moment, her not being quick enough to cover up how ridiculous she thinks it is that DD is considered ND when her behaviour isn’t a challenge for them yet.

I really don’t ask much of the school. Some people may actually think that I should be more demanding but there are some things which I think my wee girl is ok to be challenged by. Unless it’s really distressing, I think that sometimes it’s ok for her to find something a bit harder than other kids, but muddle her way through and find a way she can cope. I don’t automatically think they should provide a way for her to avoid anything she finds a bit overwhelming.

other instances where I’ve got the same feeling, were when my daughter told me she found the school assemblies really overwhelming because there were just too many people and too much noise. I told the teachers that I’d asked my DD to tell them if she felt this way and maybe they could (if there was a way to do so) have her taken out of the room. I do know they have thirty kids each and can’t just drop everything for one, but I was a bit shocked that seemingly this teachers response in the next assembly when my DD said ‘I’m finding it too much, I need to get out’ was apparently to tell her that everyone else had to sit nicely and she couldn’t have ‘special treatment for being bored’

I mean. If you haven’t gotten bored yourself yet of reading this, I fully accept that people may think I’m OTT and a nightmare parent who just doesn’t know it. But I really REALLY haven’t asked for any major special treatment. We have been told by teams working with my DD that we ‘should ask the school’ for various adjustments and I’ve never felt it necessary because overall, I know my DD is coping and learning how to continue doing so in a mainstream setting. Which will be expected of her throughout her life.

I just wondered if maybe anyone else has experienced having a ND child who maybe wasn’t super high need or super challenging, and felt the teacher was a bit dismissive and seemed actively irritated by the notion your child might have additional needs at times.

ive grown to dread the days it’s her in the classroom because now that I’ve noticed it, I’m forever feeling like I’m over reading any interaction. She recently took away an important part in a school production my DD had been given by the other teacher, and gave it to another child on the day because DD said she didn’t need to practice it because she already knew it off by heart. Which felt a bit icky because DD maybe did sound a bit stuck up saying that but she wouldn’t have meant to. She genuinely would have just not understood why she should stand in a corner herself to practice something that she did already know by heart without having to practice. It felt a bit like teaching her a lesson for being a ‘smartarse’ or something.

I totally understand that the big leaps in this comment might be justified based on what little of our family life I’ve shared, and I THINK this came from a good place but it’s a little misaligned to our approach.

We didn’t send our DD to any kind of childcare setting until she was three and a half and starting school nursery. So a lot of her little differences didn’t really impact her badly. She needed things done a particular way, she was very late to talk and walk, she taught herself to read before she turned two and she was reading properly and fluently by 3. She didn’t cope with transitions or change. She didn’t like any sort of heat so would only bathe in uncomfortably cold water, she couldn’t cope with having her hair touched or managed, wouldn’t wear any kind of sleeves, didn’t like to wear shoes, would become inconsolable at the sound of very specific but common noises. Lots of things which were obvious red flags.

but she was at home and had her mum with her all the time, helping her manage the world and trying to figure out the best way to help her cope with the things she didn’t naturally seem able to.

I didn’t want her ‘labelled’ because I didn’t want to rush her into a world where we saw her as anything but herself. I managed her needs because they were her needs, not because she was autistic. (And I did know she was. I always knew).

I kept that little bubble of ours while I could and she had a lovely few years where she wasn’t having to manage other people’s expectations or norms. But when she went to nursery I wanted to wait and see. Part of me wondered if it was because she HADNT had that social normality round her because I didn’t use childcare and she was a Covid baby so the world had no baby groups or interaction for her to experience.

I understand your point of view about telling her now, and I know I will have to. I don’t hide it from her necessarily. We use things like social stories to manage new experiences and she has asked why she gets one of those. I said because I think that they help you when a new experience seems a bit unknown and overwhelming, and if these help you we can keep using them.
That’s as close as I’ve come to her asking me about being different I think.

I mostly try and just help her understand herself for her. Not for ‘you have these feeling because you have this difference’. Just, well you told me this thing is hard for you and here’s some stuff I’ve thought of we can try out if you like…

I hope this helps to assure you that I don’t see it as shameful or bad. I’m not embarrassed and I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with her.

she is who she is. Nothing changed the day they gave it a name. And when we do talk to her about it , that will be the thing I focus on most. That nothings different because I’m telling you what the world calls it.

Oh I’d be so sad if she felt that way. Ffs now I have to make an effort to be kind to the woman who TOOK HER PART IN THE SCHOOL PRODUCTION AWAY. This is most annoying.

I will try to remember this though. She may well be clamming up because she has her own feelings going on.

it can’t be easy to be told a child had additional needs you are expected to meet, and then see absolutely no way to prove you are doing that because said child isn’t displaying any additional needs compared to some of your other students. That would be stressful. And might make you feel awkward interacting with their parent.

Ok. Thanks. I’m not an expert and was simply going on what we were told when I asked how sure they were with the diagnosis when it was given.

I was told it’s not common to recieve an NHS diagnosis of autism by that age, and that it meant they confident enough not to wait, which didn’t happen often.

personally I don’t think it’s particularly important. There’s a ton of undiagnosed autistic kids and I guess there will be diagnosed not-actually-autistic kids. People get very hung up on the labelling I think.

If the school more broadly is responsive and accommodating then have hope for next year. Some teachers don’t get ND in all its flavours, but when you get one who does it is magic.

one year we had a teacher who was lovely and tried very hard with dd, but just wasn’t sufficiently experienced or confident. Dd isn’t particularly difficult, but when she gets to a certain level of overwhelm she just shuts down. I remember looking at her workbooks at end of the year and so many ‘did not finish’ days. Next year we had a teacher who really understood send and it was a game changer - she was so good at noticing little things that made a massive difference, like where dd needed to sit or how to help dd get unstuck on a task before she entered the doom loop. She completed all her work, and better yet was much more happy and regulated in and out of school.

we are in a smaller class size so very lucky to get this level of attention , but even so I think some teachers are just more in tune with send than others. The fact that school more broadly has been receptive is positive, though - not all schools are!

My own experience, for whatever it is worth, is I am grateful we were able to explain my DD’s ASD to her before she was aware that it might be an issue. we were able to explain what it means to have an autistic brain in a neutral way and talk about things that are easier / harder for her in a way that celebrates her strengths but also acknowledges that some things are harder for her. She recently told me she is proud to be autistic, which is a good thing because it is an intrinsic part of her.

Like your dd she is mostly fine at school, and in social situations was doing okay in y1/2, but in y3 I see the social divide starting. From speaking with other parents of ASD girls, end of ks2 is when lots of issues tend to emerge, sometimes in really profound ways. I find it helpful that we have laid the groundwork of explaining ASD and being neurodivergent so that when we do have issues we can discuss them with that context - affirming her way of looking at the world, while also acknowledging differences in others.

This is lovely. Thank you for taking time to share it with me xx

Unfortunately as with any job there are great teachers, and not so great teachers….. I find it interesting on this thread that so many posters have ND children or children with SEND.

My DC went to a fantastic primary school. Most of the teachers were wonderful. Except for one Yr1 teacher who seemed to take an instant dislike to my DS. It felt like every bloody day I was doing the “walk of shame”. I kept asking for a SENCo review but I was told he was just naughty 😱. Unfortunately we had a lot of challenging situations in our family that year and I just didn’t have the capacity to analyse what was happening / fight harder which I feel terrible about, I knew there was something wrong though. She was SO obnoxious to me and him. I look back and think how on earth did I not march into that school and demand a SEN assessment and tell the SLT exactly some of the shocking things she’d said?

Anyway, fast forward to a severe end ADHD diagnosis, EHCP and DLA. He’s now in the most brilliant mainstream secondary with fab teachers and loads of support. That Yr1 teacher left at the end of the year and I hope to God has had a career change. Interestingly once she left a few other parents mentioned issues that they’d had with her.

I have 4 DC and have never had an issue like this. So many teachers go over and beyond. Like you, OP, my BFF is a teacher as are my Dad, mother in law (retired) and cousin. I would never teacher bash but OMG the one I’ve mentioned here was 100% in the wrong profession.

You think your kids teacher doesn't like her because she's pretty ?

I have found every year depends on how good the teacher is at managing sen. Ds is 9, so far we have had three excellent years where ds has thrived. One ok year where he maintained and three years where he has struggled. It's frustrating because we know he can thrive in a mainstream setting.