To hate having someone here all the time?

[tryingtohidehere]

My brother is currently living with us. It’s stressful.

The thing I’m most struggling with is that he’s constantly here. He comes down in the morning and takes root on the sofa and that’s it, he rarely moves! I’ve managed to shoo him upstairs for a bit but I’m somehow still aware of his presence and this also used to be the case when DH was working from home during Covid. I can never totally chill out.

Is it just me? I think it might be!

Have you also had an assessment? It's genetic and if you are and find out about how it impacts women generally it may help you give yourself some grace with why you find certain situations like this (or other things) overwhelming or harder to handle.

If he can't cook, how will he eat at home, can he shop in person or online?

Owl - no. I am fairly confident I’m not autistic and if I am it hasn’t impeded on my life. I do know my way around autism a bit.

@CaptainFuture jeez.

He mostly heats things up or has takeaways. Like most / many people with autism food is a bit of an issue. He also has very dubious hygiene so no thanks to eating anything he cooks.

Oh I hear you. I'm an introvert and need a huge amount of silence and space. Having people on top of me/in my space is torture.

shed room in the garden?

You have to have a chat with him about not dominating your space.

You’re kind to have taken him in but it’s not reasonable to lounge on the sofa all day. Esp when you have young kids!

Hi OP, what are your own ideas for helping the situation? What do YOU think will help?

This is not going to end when your DB moves into a flat because he is autistic and struggles to organise daily life.

What is your plan for the future?

YANBU @tryingtohidehere You will just have to wait it out though I guess!

I HATE having people around my house, let alone having people staying. (I am fine with meeting up at a pub or restaurant, but stay the fuck away from my house!) I even hate it when DH is off work (when he is supposed to be in,) because I have often made plans. Even if those plans are sitting with a cream cake and a cappuccino and binging a show on Netflix, he upsets the applecart. I LOVE it when he is on afternoons, and is gone from 2.00pm to 10.30pm. Even nights isn't too bad, as he is gone from 9pm to 6am-ish, and I have the evening and night to myself.

I am absolutely DREADING him retiring, and being stuck in the house ALL. THE. TIME! 😫When he's home, he hangs around like a fart, following me from room to room, asking questions, chatting shit, and just getting in the way!

And before anyone says 'it's his house too!' Yeah you're right, but the problem is that when a MAN is at home in the day/all the time, he dominates the house with his presence, (and often LOUD voice) and many of them can't seem to occupy themselves for any great length of time..

When my DH is at home, I can barely do anything, as he just pesters me, keeps talking, sits on his arse (watching TV,) or sits on his arse on his computer. And when he's watching TV or on his computer, he keeps reading stuff out to me that he's looking at/watching. Running commentary for every fucking thing he is watching.

Also, he NEVER goes out (without me.) If he didn't go to work, he would ALWAYS BE THERE. I can tolerate him (just about) by doing my own thing, going out by myself when he's home on long walks, spending hours in the garden between April and October, and putting my headphones on to listen to music to block out his waffling.

Yeah, we do chat together sometimes, and go for the odd meal/drink at the pub several times a month, and out to the shops/daytrips etc, and we DO have some good times together. But if he's at home too much, and doesn't stop talking, and keeps following me around, chatting shit and asking tedious questions, he really gets under my skin - and on my nerves.

(Yes, yes, I know I sound like I don't like him very much before anyone says anything! Well, maybe I don't - some of the time! 😂)

No WAY could I have anyone else staying with me. Fuck that shit! 😬 I am NOT a tolerant person. I don't know I have given that fact away or not😆

!

I promise I am well aware. However having space from him is enough.

He is in his forties as am I. He sort of falls into a funny nothing space of not really being able to live independently and not qualifying for additional support. (Even if he did, he wouldn’t accept it.)

Yes I get that having space is enough for you. But it's not just about you is it?

As a burned out f/t carer for adult autistic DC I just want to be left alone. But I have to soldier on. You need to think ahead.

What is your plan for when he moves into his flat, can't manage independently but refuses external support?

It’s unfair of you to post this again because people will respond in good faith, not knowing that you will shoot down everything they suggest as you did on the other threads.

At the very least, edit your OP to link to your previous posts so that others can decide whether or not to engage.

It isn’t unfair at all, but you’re welcome to ask MN if they’d like to do that. Posters are allowed to post about the same thing more than once and none of my threads have been seeking advice.

By posting here you are de facto doing just that. You know that people will respond trying to help. You know that because it’s happened on 2 other threads.

I don’t have a plan Pocket. It’s very difficult. But it’s also not a new situation. We just manage as best we can. But today he’s been whining and complaining all day and I’m drained by it and I’m sharing that here.

The adult thing to do is to talk to him and tell him that he can't just sit around with no job doing nothing and he needs to be up and out early and be actively trying to sort himself out. The childish thing ( of you can't talk to him) is to keep a running jobs list. Keep telling him to do jobs every time you see him. Even if you don't need help make him do things so he can't relax. Run to the shops, pick the kids etc. Come in and sit where he is and make a phone call. When the kids are out have loud sex. A few weeks of that should do it.

I understand it's not as easy as that for him, my DB is the same but I do think wrapping him in cotton wool is not the answer and he is probably more capable than you think.

Well it's better if you give the full details on the initial post so people can support without taking time offering solutions or scroll past.

I think if he's there as a favour to him then he absolutely has a responsibility to alter his behaviour so it doesn't stress the OP.

Not shit in his room 24/7 but also not being in the main part of the house all day.

It's for him to modify his behaviour to suit the OP if she's going him a favour

So conversations are only allowed to happen once?

OP ignore posters complaining that you've posted before.

IRL it's completely normal to revisit conversations on different days or even with different people.

Posters that complain seem to have some delusion that MN is their personal forum. They don't have to read every chat. If they know the story and are bored then they don't face to engage.
I haven't read your other posts. Neither have many other people. It seems to escape the complainer's understanding that MN isn't their personal entertainment channel.

It's not like there is some limit and you are using up space. There are thousands of threads. You are allowed to post as many times as you want.

Some people have a deluded view that it's all about what they want to read. So so weird.

This would drive me round the bend too, OP.

Could you take a leaf out of the Ecuadorian Embassy's book when they were hosting Julian Assange for all those years, and change the WiFi password? Or, less confrontationally, announce that you and DH are having a digital detox for the next six months and hide the router, or remove a cruical part and declare it broken (your DH can use his phone as a hotspot on the days he's working from home). I bet that he will suddenly become very interested in the local library (perhaps you could drop him off there each morning and he could catch a bus back in the afternoon).