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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate having someone here all the time?

73 replies

tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 11:41

My brother is currently living with us. It’s stressful.

The thing I’m most struggling with is that he’s constantly here. He comes down in the morning and takes root on the sofa and that’s it, he rarely moves! I’ve managed to shoo him upstairs for a bit but I’m somehow still aware of his presence and this also used to be the case when DH was working from home during Covid. I can never totally chill out.

Is it just me? I think it might be!

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/02/2025 12:29

Does he work from home?

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 12:30

My brother doesn’t work. DH wfh but only twice a week which I don’t mind. It was when it was all the time it felt a bit relentless.

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 04/02/2025 12:41

Not the same but 8 out of recent 12 months we have had builders, plumbers or (at present) decorators. Every day, exc the weekend, when DH and my teens are home. All of them are lovely but I really would like to be alone sometimes so I can get on with work. I find it really distracting having the front door opening and closing randomly, other people’s music (altho current decorator uses earbuds so for once it is quite, beside random dropping of stuff, machinery and hoovering…)

I am so done with it all as unless I feign a headache at the weekend and ‘go to bed’ I NEVER get to just be alone and quiet, unless is it 10mins in the car on the way back from the school/college run.

I know I am a grumpy, churlish person - clearly - but I totally get it.

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 12:42

If you’re grumpy and churlish - so am I!

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 04/02/2025 12:57

I don't understand how your brother is buying a house if he doesn't work? I feel your pain though, I have been in similar situations with a daughter in law and most recently my dad - he was ill, we weren't close but I felt I had no choice. He had almost died and had to be resuscitated so I thought he only had a few months. It turned into three long years and I knew it wouldn't be over until he died! It was a horrible time probably the worst three years of my life. There was nothing I could do short of murdering him lol. But that time eventually passed as will this time for you.

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 13:00

@MrsSlocombesCat inheritance. He used to live with our dad; he died quite a while ago now but brother stayed in the house but wasn’t really coping. But that’s awful re your dad, I totally understand Flowers

OP posts:
ToughButWorthIt · 04/02/2025 13:08

This is (unfortunately) a personality issue. I had a similar issue and thought it was me being unable to tolerate another person in my space. Actually, it was the particular person and their personality making me feel very not relaxed and uncomfortable in my own home. I only realised this when there was another person in a similar situation and it didn't bother me at all. In fact I liked having them around. On a base level, unless you are an abnormal hermit type most people like the company of people they like.

Sorry it's not hugely helpful but other than trying to minimise time you spend together and speaking to him about it so that you both organise your day so you have time out of each others sight, you will just have to tough it out.

Rest assured though it's not you. You just have a personality clash.

CheekySwan · 04/02/2025 13:09

I'm changing the times here so not to out myself but say I finish work at 2, DH and DSS used to finish work at 5 but with commute wouldn't get home to 6. This would give me time to get chores done, washing done, housework, nip to the shops, time for a bath in peace and half hour in charge of the TV remote. They have changed jobs and now one gets in between 2-3 and the other gets in at 3.30 and its driving me fucking insaaaaaaannnee. DH thinks it's funny I spend so much time in my room but it's the only place I can relax.

NormaleKartoffeln · 04/02/2025 13:11

You have to be honest with him about how you feel.

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 13:11

@CheekySwan that would drive me mad as well.

OP posts:
Crocsake · 04/02/2025 13:16

I feel you. My husband works from home, albeit in the garage which is separate from the house so technically he's not even in the home but I hate it.
I'm here trying to go through the day with toddler and he's popping in and out, son know he's there so wants to see Daddy. I feel like I have to update him every time I leave the front door.
Son goes down for lunch time nap, husband comes in to sort some lunch and then just kind of hovers around me. Sometimes I really want to scream "will you just piss off, I want to be on my own!"

It feels horrible to say but I love it on the rare occasions he tells me he needs to visit a job that's a long way away because it means I know I'll be home alone for the day.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/02/2025 13:26

@tryingtohidehere if he has bought a flat then should he not be at work?? why is it your responsibility to house him????

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 13:28

Crocsake · 04/02/2025 13:16

I feel you. My husband works from home, albeit in the garage which is separate from the house so technically he's not even in the home but I hate it.
I'm here trying to go through the day with toddler and he's popping in and out, son know he's there so wants to see Daddy. I feel like I have to update him every time I leave the front door.
Son goes down for lunch time nap, husband comes in to sort some lunch and then just kind of hovers around me. Sometimes I really want to scream "will you just piss off, I want to be on my own!"

It feels horrible to say but I love it on the rare occasions he tells me he needs to visit a job that's a long way away because it means I know I'll be home alone for the day.

It’s not horrible. I used to have my days off as Thursdays and Fridays and changed them to Tuesdays and Wednesdays so DH wasn’t here as I had the same problem. But now my brother is here!

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/02/2025 13:32

If his autism is preventing him from learning to cook (how? All the high functioning autistic people I know can cook and clean and work, albeit in carefully chosen professions) how the hell is he going to manage when he's got his own place?

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 13:35

Vroom - it’s not about cooking.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/02/2025 13:37

Can he help you with the kids and cleaning?

Maybe look after them while you go for a walk? To a cafe?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/02/2025 13:44

tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 13:35

Vroom - it’s not about cooking.

Well, it sort of is. If he can cook then he can use some of that lounging about on the sofa time to cook for your family and do other chores around the house. If he can't do any of that - how is he going to look after himself when he's in his own flat?

YourHappyJadeEagle · 04/02/2025 13:48

All I can suggest is you keep on at the conveyancers. Phone every day if necessary.
Are you waiting for searches? Conveyancers outsource these and they’re so slow. I did my own last time as I got fed up waiting. Sorted in a couple of days.

Devon24 · 04/02/2025 13:53

He needs to leave and live with your parents or with a lodger for a while. It’s clearly unsustainable.

Devon24 · 04/02/2025 13:53

He needs to get a job!

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 14:08

They’re dead @Devon24 . He can’t work. Or cook, but it isn’t about cooking. I can cook; I don’t want or need a cook. Just peace and quiet 😂

OP posts:
Miaowzabella · 04/02/2025 14:20

Park the kids on the sofa before brother wakes up. Bribe them to stay there and put on the most irritating cartoon you can possibly find, on a loop.

Catandsquirrel · 04/02/2025 14:37

Nicer weather will be coming soon and it'll feel more palatable to take the kids out for longer. Hang in there.

pananamana · 04/02/2025 14:42

tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 12:20

Thanks @Catandsquirrel . When I’ve tried that he just starts endlessly and exhaustingly apologising. And it is hard for him as well; we’re rural, he can’t drive, so even going somewhere like the library is difficult logistically. It’s just a shit situation for everybody and I realise that is probably eye rolly for people if you are solution focused.

well, at the very least you could put a small desk in his room and he can stay in there more? I assume he has a laptop to watch telly if that is what he wants to do?

Original poster
tryingtohidehere · 04/02/2025 14:45

It’s really hard to explain.

Today for instance he’s been on the phone a lot, he’s very loud so even when he’s not in the same room you can hear him. He’s been in tears twice, wants me to look at things he’s done. It really is like having another kid and not another adult. And this is the problem - people do say things like ‘well go out and let him have the kids!’ You can’t.

Its very emotionally draining .

OP posts: