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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's normal for opposite sexes to develop feelings in close proximity

34 replies

laaadylaa · 04/02/2025 10:45

Just curious what people's opinions are on this. I know people say men and women can be friends with no feelings and I don't necessarily disagree.

But would you say it's normal, when in close proximity to someone day in day out, of the opposite sex, to develop feelings or attraction?

Admittedly I'm trying to stem my own guilt and bit. I'm married and I love my husband, we have a good relationship 99% of the time and I am not in any way considering leaving.

However, I work very closely with a man at work and I can't help but feel a bit of tug toward him sometimes and I feel so bad about it. We don't flirt and nothing would ever happen but we do banter and talk a lot at work and I feel like if I weren't with DH I'd like to be with this man. I sometimes find myself day dreaming about what it would be like with him.

I'm normal aren't I? I'm not some hideous wife?!

Unfortunately no option of not working with him so I'm just being careful in our conversations not to let anything get inappropriate and hoping this fades (but it's been years!)

OP posts:
Catza · 04/02/2025 13:26

I can think of a dozen men I worked with and lived with in houseshares and I can honestly say that I don't think it is normal. We currently have a male lodger. He has lived with us for 3 years. He is a nice chap but I do a happy dance every time he buggers off to see his family.
I am not saying you are a horrible wife but these feelings is not something to expect just due to proximity of another male.

Ferrazzuoli · 04/02/2025 13:29

It's pretty normal I think to fancy a colleague and have feelings of "if we were both single....". If you don't flirt or do anything to jeopardise your marriage then this is pretty harmless.

HRTQueen · 04/02/2025 13:31

Of course its normal to have these feelings, equally its normal not to

emotional and sexual attraction to others does not stop because you are happily married

put people in close proximity and many will start to have feelings that they didn't expect to

its a choice on acting on them

Kaminari · 04/02/2025 13:33

HRTQueen · 04/02/2025 13:31

Of course its normal to have these feelings, equally its normal not to

emotional and sexual attraction to others does not stop because you are happily married

put people in close proximity and many will start to have feelings that they didn't expect to

its a choice on acting on them

Spot on

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/02/2025 13:34

Of course it’s normal. It’s literally how humans have evolved to operate.

Icanttakethisanymore · 04/02/2025 13:37

It's not inevitable to develop feelings for someone of the opposite sex just because you see them a lot but obviously it can happen and I wouldn't say it's abnormal or a problem either. You are not a terrible wife!

pimplebum · 04/02/2025 13:38

It’s called a crush if it stays in your head

an affair if it ends up in your pants

I am bi sexual and have not had either with any work colleagues mainly because they are all knobs

Noodlesand · 04/02/2025 13:48

I think it's normal, particularly with work colleagues, because generally at work, everyone presents their best, most competent self.

Have had an on-off crush on my manager for a few years. We are on very similar wavelengths, pretty much on the same page and have the same thoughts about work-related issues and a lot of other issues too. Also have similar family dynamics and both had a parent die from the same illness within a couple of years.

There is some chemistry there, but neither of us would risk the massive fallout of doing anything... If we were both single however...

wipeywipe · 04/02/2025 13:52

I think it depends, I've worked with men & not experienced it but my work isn't that intense & teams are bigger. It's very common in the police & hospitals so I think an element of what you say does exist.

Plaided · 04/02/2025 13:53

Half of my friends are male and around half of those I have met through work and still friends with. I’ve never fancied any of them, so I don’t think it’s inevitable, and we have worked in close proximity together for a number of years on various projects.

I have fancied a couple of men at work, but not been friends with them, just a harmless crush - they were pretty dull personality wise!!

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 04/02/2025 13:56

Only ever had a crush on a male colleague once, when I was single. No other feelings. But I’m head over heels for DP and I have male friends outside of work that I’ve known for decades and not had feelings for. So maybe I’m trained not to inevitably develop feelings for any man I work/live with in close proximity.

So I don’t think it’s normal OP. It sounds like you've caught feelings!

minipie · 04/02/2025 13:57

I think it’s not unusual. I can think of times this has happened. Once we stopped working together so much any such “twinges” disappeared entirely. It was clearly about proximity and interaction rather than anything real underlying it.

I can see why so many actors end up with their co stars, imagine not only working so closely together but having to act out a developing relationship too. Plus they tend to be attractive!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/02/2025 13:59

It shows how perception is so different. I opened this thread thinking of the misogynistic men that I sometimes have to be in close proximity with and it's true! But my feelings are of revulsion.

OP, if you can't damp down those feelings then stop bantering because that road leads one way and you're toeing it already.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 04/02/2025 14:06

Not for me. I've worked closely with men, who I've really liked and joked with but there's not been attraction.

MyCatNamedCookingFat · 04/02/2025 14:16

Well no, there are lots of men I've worked with and never entertained the thought.

But if I liked them anyway then the circumstances of daily contact allow feelings to fester.

It's up to you to nip it in the bud.

Blobbitymacblob · 04/02/2025 14:21

I think it’s normal, and really important to turn in to your marriage if you want it to survive. It’s not the feelings that are the problem but how we justify acting on them.

Frangela · 04/02/2025 14:22

No, workplace attraction is not normal just because they have the correct set of genitals and you’re straight, no. You’ve just encountered one of the people other than your DH that you could potentially have had a happy longterm relationship with — we all run across them from time to time. ‘The one’ is a fiction. We could all have happy relationships with a number of people. Just acknowledge it and move on.

I once worked with someone I realised could have been a potential partner were I not happily married, and I knew he felt the same about me. We never discussed it, and just got on with life as normal colleagues. Neither of us would have contemplated leaving our spouses, or having an affair, so there was nothing to discuss. I moved jobs. We’re still friends, but no longer live in the same country.

Crushed23 · 04/02/2025 14:30

Most men repel me, so I wouldn't say it's normal, no.

I tend to get crushes on men I barely know because I make up their personality and mannerisms in my head and imagine they're the perfect guy for me.

MocktailMe · 04/02/2025 14:30

I have long been of the opinion that if we ran an experiment pairing 1 million pairs of straight men and women alone in a log cabin for 5 years probably 990,000 would emerge as a couple.

I think this happens a lot when you work in proximity. Don't act on it.

MarkingBad · 04/02/2025 14:36

Not for me, I made a pledge from starting work there there would be no workplace romances because I saw from jobs I had before leaving school what utter crap can rain down from them, but I can see it with other people.

Like many others though I have been the object of co-workers crushes, which is very uncomfortable because I've been subjected to serious SAs at work and it's hard to back away without shouting sod off sometimes. I tend to be bright and breezy and not stick around when someone I know will start getting onto personal and home stuff or banter that develops into something else but I've seen other people not be able to get out of a conversation and struggle with a colleague who clearly fancies them because they are trying to be nice and not get into trouble but they often end up being in trouble because the other person is developing feelings and imagines they are too.

The problem with what you are describing is it only takes one thing to tip, an argument with a partner, grief, a money worry where one of you starts to lean on the other and you can find yourself in a hot water situation. He may not feel the same way but if he does or is the kind to take advantage of an opportunity, it rarely ends well.

We can all fancy people but developing feelings even over the course of years can affect all kinds of unpleasantness if you do not watch yourself. Emotional affairs are as hard if not sometimes harder to get over as physical ones for the APs and their own partners.

ItGhoul · 04/02/2025 14:37

I don't think that it's something that just always automatically happens when you're in close proximity with someone a lot - but I certainly think it's normal to have crushes on people now and again and to idly wonder what things would have been like in a different life if you'd ended up with them instead of your partner. I don't think it means you're a terrible wife - the key thing is that you're not acting upon it.

I'm very happy with my DP and have been for the past 22 years. I adore him and would never cheat on him ever in a billion years. But there have been a couple of occasions when I've got to know someone at work and thought 'If I wasn't with DP...' about them. I can also think of two men I know solely through social media who I would definitely consider asking out on a date if I wasn't already taken. If DP ever broke my heart and left me, I know full well they are totally the two men I would approach for a date on the rebound!

Ultimately, it is very normal for people to be a bit attracted to someone other than their partner. Let's face it, it's biology. If you were to act upon it or start flirting and having intense emotional conversations all the time etc with them, it would be shitty behaviour, but just having that feeling about someone without doing anything about it is very normal and not something to feel guilty about. It sounds like you're being very careful and sensible in terms of not letting it go any further.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 04/02/2025 14:49

No. I work in a male environment as one of 2 women.
I work well with the guys above me as well as the ones below me. Yes we have laughter and bunter it's actually a great team and things work well between us.
But there are crushes or secret attractions as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe you need to reflect on your relationship with DH and explore your own unfulfilled fantasies to find out what is causing this.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 04/02/2025 14:51

there are NO crushes

HRTQueen · 04/02/2025 14:53

Crushed23 · 04/02/2025 14:30

Most men repel me, so I wouldn't say it's normal, no.

I tend to get crushes on men I barely know because I make up their personality and mannerisms in my head and imagine they're the perfect guy for me.

That amused me

I am able to completely change their personalities in my head

probably why I end up so disappointed in relationships and with my crushes

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/02/2025 14:54

I've worked in male dominated environments and for many years worked with one particular colleague where extensive travel was involved to the point that I spent considerably more time with him than with dh.

Never ever have I felt even the stirrings of sexual anything with any of my colleagues. I consider them to be great friends, and love them as such, but would no more be able to imagine being in a sexual relationship with them than I could with a family member.

I agree that you probably need to spice things up with your dh if you have feelings that are having to latch onto inappropriate places. It's not uncommon, life gets monotonous and repetitive sometimes, but the solution is to address it at home rather than deflecting it onto a third party.

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