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Original poster

SIL won’t give my nearly 2yo space and blames me for “mollycoddling”

44 replies

gratitudeandcoffee · 03/02/2025 18:12

For context, my SIL is in her late 20s and single/no kids yet. My daughter is the first child in this generation of the family (though there are a couple more on the way now) so it has been most people’s first experience of having a baby/toddler around.

SIL is obsessed with my daughter but to the point where she still wants to cuddle her constantly, and doesn’t really seem to understand the fact that she’s a toddler now, not a newborn. Sometimes DD doesn’t want to be interrupted when she’s exploring or in the middle of an activity, and she definitely doesn't want toys to be snatched out of her hands and then forcibly restrained by an adult who wants a 20 minute hug. This has happened several times now in the last few months and it always ends in me having to console a grouchy or hysterical child afterwards. DH originally said we should just let DD get used to it but I really dislike this approach. I hate having my child crying for such an easily avoidable reason and I don’t want to teach her that she should be forced to tolerate behaviour from adults that makes her uncomfortable.

DH now agrees with this reasoning and so yesterday when a similar thing happened and DD started crying, we explained calmly to SIL that she needs to give her some space and not smother her with affection when she just wants to have independence. Well, it couldn’t have gone worse. SIL started raging and swearing at me, saying that we mollycoddle DD, that crying doesn’t mean DD is upset so we shouldn’t respond, that we’re raising an entitled brat and that we’re denying SIL the relationship she wants with our kid.

I disagree with her take but I’m not crazy, right? Or should I be making DD put up with these situations and picking up the pieces afterwards as SIL suggests?!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 03/02/2025 18:18

SIL can choose to be a grown up and put the child first. Or not see her.

Pelot · 03/02/2025 18:19

She's ignorant and selfish. In no world should a child be forced to physically interact with an adult and her distress ignored.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/02/2025 18:23

SIL would get my foot up her arse, wtf is wrong with her, seriously does she have some sort of social deficiency op?

Limit their relationship, you have control here, no one gets access to your DD without your say so, make sure you keep advocating for your DD, this is a horrible person for your DD to be around.

TeddyBeans · 03/02/2025 18:24

My DD would likely headbutt you if you held her down for 20 minutes and she would most definitely scream and cry and kick and perform all sorts of physical displays of discomfort. She absolutely wouldn't choose to come near you again for a while.

If your SIL wants to damage her relationship with her niece then let her carry on. Your DD is a person with bodily autonomy and deserves to be treated as one

TomatoSandwiches · 03/02/2025 18:24

Next time you see your SIL rip whatever she has in her hands away and give her a 10 minute bear hug, ignore her cries for freedom, this is essentially what she is doing to your DD.
Children deserve to have their autonomy respected, they aren't second class citizens.

RollerSkateLikePeggy · 03/02/2025 18:25

Perhaps your husband should go up to your sister in law, and give her a big, suffocatingly strong hug and not let her go for 20 minutes and see if she likes it!

SheridansPortSalut · 03/02/2025 18:25

There's something wrong with your sil. Thats not a normal or reasonable reaction.

CosyPoet · 03/02/2025 18:28

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CosyPoet · 03/02/2025 18:29

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TheFormidableMrsC · 03/02/2025 18:30

SheridansPortSalut · 03/02/2025 18:25

There's something wrong with your sil. Thats not a normal or reasonable reaction.

Raging jealousy probably.

Viviennemary · 03/02/2025 18:31

Your sil sounds an immature brat. I wouldn't let her near you child till she learns how to behave.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2025 18:33

gratitudeandcoffee · 03/02/2025 18:12

For context, my SIL is in her late 20s and single/no kids yet. My daughter is the first child in this generation of the family (though there are a couple more on the way now) so it has been most people’s first experience of having a baby/toddler around.

SIL is obsessed with my daughter but to the point where she still wants to cuddle her constantly, and doesn’t really seem to understand the fact that she’s a toddler now, not a newborn. Sometimes DD doesn’t want to be interrupted when she’s exploring or in the middle of an activity, and she definitely doesn't want toys to be snatched out of her hands and then forcibly restrained by an adult who wants a 20 minute hug. This has happened several times now in the last few months and it always ends in me having to console a grouchy or hysterical child afterwards. DH originally said we should just let DD get used to it but I really dislike this approach. I hate having my child crying for such an easily avoidable reason and I don’t want to teach her that she should be forced to tolerate behaviour from adults that makes her uncomfortable.

DH now agrees with this reasoning and so yesterday when a similar thing happened and DD started crying, we explained calmly to SIL that she needs to give her some space and not smother her with affection when she just wants to have independence. Well, it couldn’t have gone worse. SIL started raging and swearing at me, saying that we mollycoddle DD, that crying doesn’t mean DD is upset so we shouldn’t respond, that we’re raising an entitled brat and that we’re denying SIL the relationship she wants with our kid.

I disagree with her take but I’m not crazy, right? Or should I be making DD put up with these situations and picking up the pieces afterwards as SIL suggests?!

What was your response?

And did you point out that relationships are two-way streets and DD gets a say too

MoonWoman69 · 03/02/2025 18:33

She's overstepping big time. Next time she does it, if she now dare, just tell your SIL to put her down, as she doesn't like it and neither do you or DH! Who thinks ever going this is ok?! It's one thing saying "Come and give your auntie a cuddle" it's another one forcing them to! Strange woman!

Dror · 03/02/2025 18:35

Did no one correct the woman on her swearing and calling your kid names?
Your husband should tell her she will not be seeing your 'entitled brat' again.

Advocating for a child's bodily autonomy, teaching them about consent and the PANTs rule is essential.

Redcandlescandal · 03/02/2025 18:35

SIL sounds deranged.

I would be keeping my distance from her until she can behave like an adult.

Poor DD needs protection from this batshittery.

2025ishere · 03/02/2025 18:36

Of course you’re right and she’s wrong. But taking her on face value thst she wants to build a relationship with your DD but is pretty dense about how to do this could you suggest nice activities they can do together, eg one of those magic painting books where you just paint with water and it turns to colours, or pushing her on a swing, reading her a new book, decorating biscuits, something she really likes or something new. Yes, on one level you shouldn’t have to but it might be an investment in a relationship for the future that is worth it for everyone

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/02/2025 18:37

I have a 3 yo, and no, you absolutely should not cuddle young children against their will. My DS loves cuddles, but not for 20 minutes at a time when he is busy doing something else. Can you encourage your SIL to explore, play, read or sing with her niece? Or does she absolutely just want to cuddle on her terms? Because no, I agree with you, she cannot do that.

Dror · 03/02/2025 18:38

2025ishere · 03/02/2025 18:36

Of course you’re right and she’s wrong. But taking her on face value thst she wants to build a relationship with your DD but is pretty dense about how to do this could you suggest nice activities they can do together, eg one of those magic painting books where you just paint with water and it turns to colours, or pushing her on a swing, reading her a new book, decorating biscuits, something she really likes or something new. Yes, on one level you shouldn’t have to but it might be an investment in a relationship for the future that is worth it for everyone

No child should be forced to be around the woman who raged, swore, demanded unwanted physical contact, and called the child names.

Vaxtable · 03/02/2025 18:40

You sil is batshit

continue as you are and tell her she either accepts what your daughter wants or just not see her

Billyblue47 · 03/02/2025 18:41

SIL needs to respect DDs autonomy. She doesn't want to be held. It's unwanted physical contact. Sil doesn't get to force DD to be held because that's what sil needs or wants. What about DDs needs and wants? I'd be very clear SIL either listens and stops forcing DD to do thing she doesn't want to do or she won't have any contact with DD. TBH I'd probably stop contact anyway because of the shouting and swearing. It's your job to protect your child and advocate for them.

CynicalSunni · 03/02/2025 18:41

O gawd i had an aunt like this except it wasnt hugging it was tickling. I dont mean little tickles every few minutes. She would sit and hold me down and tickle me for prolonged periods. I was literally screaming at her to stop. Any time i entered a room i went the long way round to avoid her.

She always beckoned me over and my parents made me. It was awful.

One day i just kicked her really hard in the shoulder. Blaming the fact i couldnt control my limbs cause she was tickling me. I did it o purpose.

Still hate that aunt now haha

AnneShirleysNewDress · 03/02/2025 18:42

As SIL called your DD an entitled brat she surely won't want a relationship with DD now!

You've done the right thing, no child should have an adults affections thrust upon them when they've expessed that they don't want it. I had an aunt who behaved in a similar way (I was the only girl in the family) and I swore I'd never let and adult behave like that with my DD's.

Yawningisinfectious · 03/02/2025 18:43

If your SiL won't listen to common sense and act in the best interest of your DD then you need to protect your DD from her.
If she won't respect your DD 's personal space and autonomy over her own body then quite simply your SiL shouldn't be allowed to see her.

Lollypop701 · 03/02/2025 18:43

What about the relationship your dd wants with her aunt? Or is allowing your daughter a choice the Mollycoddling bit. Buy sil a doll and tell her if she needs a 20 minute cuddle this is only way she’s getting it at your house

Sounds like aunt is a mini dictator who is going to ruin her own relationship with her her niece…

Original poster
gratitudeandcoffee · 03/02/2025 18:44

My response was to take DD and leave the room.

Five minutes later I could still hear SIL bitching about what a terrible parent I am so I went in and yelled my head off and swore at her, which I do regret. I could've expressed myself more maturely. In future my plan is to avoid her as much as possible and/or just take DD off her.

OP posts: