SIL won’t give my nearly 2yo space and blames me for “mollycoddling”

[gratitudeandcoffee]

For context, my SIL is in her late 20s and single/no kids yet. My daughter is the first child in this generation of the family (though there are a couple more on the way now) so it has been most people’s first experience of having a baby/toddler around.

SIL is obsessed with my daughter but to the point where she still wants to cuddle her constantly, and doesn’t really seem to understand the fact that she’s a toddler now, not a newborn. Sometimes DD doesn’t want to be interrupted when she’s exploring or in the middle of an activity, and she definitely doesn't want toys to be snatched out of her hands and then forcibly restrained by an adult who wants a 20 minute hug. This has happened several times now in the last few months and it always ends in me having to console a grouchy or hysterical child afterwards. DH originally said we should just let DD get used to it but I really dislike this approach. I hate having my child crying for such an easily avoidable reason and I don’t want to teach her that she should be forced to tolerate behaviour from adults that makes her uncomfortable.

DH now agrees with this reasoning and so yesterday when a similar thing happened and DD started crying, we explained calmly to SIL that she needs to give her some space and not smother her with affection when she just wants to have independence. Well, it couldn’t have gone worse. SIL started raging and swearing at me, saying that we mollycoddle DD, that crying doesn’t mean DD is upset so we shouldn’t respond, that we’re raising an entitled brat and that we’re denying SIL the relationship she wants with our kid.

I disagree with her take but I’m not crazy, right? Or should I be making DD put up with these situations and picking up the pieces afterwards as SIL suggests?!

Agree this is not a normal response. If she tried that on with my 2 year old she would get her arse handed to her by me AND my toddler. Sounds like a bit of space and firm boundaries are needed.

Good grief. Well there is an entitled brat in this scenario and it's not your daughter.

Your SIL behaved appallingly and her insistence on hugging your daughter even when she is crying is strange. SIL clearly has no respect for boundaries so I would very tightly manage her contact with your daughter and if SIL is incapable of behaving like a rational adult I would tell her you won't be negotiating the terms of her relationship with your daughter because there won't be a relationship.

Or you could tell her to just gtf out of house and not come back until she's grown up which might be a bit more straight forward.

Meh. Expressing yourself maturely is not always everything it's cracked up to be. With someone that crazy you need to make sure they've understood you.

Nope.

I teach my toddler body autonomy. No one is being forced to hug anyone

I'm not sure many would condemn you.

Although this is MN so the professional contrarians will no doubt arrive shortly. 😁

Next time, remove your child so she doesn’t have to witness your SIL’s rage that she can’t force your daughter into cuddles or to interrupt her play. Your Sil needs to be kept away until she starts to acknowledge that she needs to start respecting boundaries.

Give the brat a dolly. That's clearly what she wants. And possibly a dummy, too. . .

Nobody else corrected her on that because everyone in the family is terrified of her except me it seems. I'm not really sure how it happened, since DH is one of four and he and the other two are so lovely, but she is the most spoilt person I've ever met in my life. She's struggled to hold down jobs and relationships because of it which doesn't surprise me but it hasn't inspired any change or introspection haha

Genuinely she can’t have access to your child. Just don’t see her.

SIL sounds unhinged. I'd tell her in no uncertain yerms and go lc or nc.

This.

Give her some of her own medicine and then ask her if she thinks it is a nice way to treat another human.

When adults don't listen to what toddlers are communicating, they find other ways to communicate. Like biting the auntie that grabs them.

It's a bit concerning to hear about the swearing and yelling at each other. Adults shouldn't be swearing at each other and continuing on their relationship as if that's not quite messed up. If someone swore at me and called me a terrible parent would never have any interaction from me ever again. I'd consider if that's the dynamics you want modelled to your DD and cut off contact with any family member that can't treat others with respect.

Sil is swearing and calling your not quite 2 year old names and having a big tantrum because she restrains your child when she was told to stop.

That's the SIL your child never sees. Your kid's development of body autonomy is more important than your SIL's feelings. She wants to control your child by physically restraining her. That she threw a tantrum complete with swearing and calling your daughter names because she didn't get her way shows she's doesn't really care about your daughter, is fulfilling her own needs, and is emotionally volatile.

Does she think you guys will cave because she had a mad fit? She showed her ass there.

She's putting her needs above your DC. She doesn't deserve to have a relationship with the way she's acted, but I think you could have handled it better. She sounds like a cow.

Time to go no-contact.

I’m guessing with the employment issues you’ve mentioned that she lives with her parents and that’s why your child is exposed to her so often? If so, your PIL can come to yours to see your daughter from now on.

Your SIL needs to learn the lesson most 5 year olds understand - you can’t pick up the toddler and haul them about just because you want to. If you have to see her again stay close enough to your child to physically prevent this.

Your sil is talking about herself here. It’s amazing how often unreasonable people do this. Her parents mollycoddle her. You shouldn’t respond to her. She’s been raised to be an entitled brat. She’s denying your dd the relationship your dd wants with her.

Your dd has declined this kind of relationship.

I think your response was reasonable.

The family sound really strange and your husbands initial response is very weird.