How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Crikey are you a bot or just naturally incomprehensible?

As I walked into the pub the first thing he said was ‘you’re actually quite pretty. We just need to sort out your hair and clothes’. I turned around and walked out.

He had very little hair, was wearing a T-shirt that needed ironing and his profile photo must have been at least 10 years out of date!

This makes me want to DIE.

These are making me laugh and glad that my dating era was pre internet because in those days men used to just proposition women face to face and you knew at once what they really looked like and to a certain extent what they were actually like. Which is not to say that I haven't encountered some utter horrors but at least in the old (as opposed to OLD days ) you could hopefully make a quick escape.

Messaged a guy for quite a while, then met up a few weeks ago. Had a couple of drinks, we were out 2 hrs max.
When I get home he starts with the overtly sexual messages, and how he’s all hard thinking about our date. I put him straight, that I have no interest in fake sex with someone I’ve had 2 drinks with. He continues to message with inappropriate stuff (although nowhere near as bad).
Last night I’ve had enough and tell him I’m not interested and wish him well. Apparently I’m still in love with my ex. Er, no pal, I’m just not interested.
Then he asks if we can just be FWB when DD is at her dad’s.
“No thanks” says I before deleting and blocking.

FFS. What is wrong with them?

Met a man on tinder who didn’t live too far away. Went for a coffee. Proceeded to tell me he wanted to impregnate me with twins. Swiftly left and he tried to follow me home. Dodged down some side streets and blocked 😂 Ironically he got someone else pregnant not long after with twins

Gosh, the way you speak about other people is really nasty.

Yes we are all having a giggle, but slut shaming is vile. There's nothing wrong with adults engaging in however much consensual sexual activity they desire.

There's also people from all walks of life on dating apps, people who I am positive you wouldn't label as "losers"... Not that anyone really deserves to be called that unless they are a truly horrible person.

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps He gave me the ick with his spelling of "genuinely", never mind the rest!

There’s a guy on Instagram who takes real OLD DMs and turns them into songs. I’ve lost a good long while laughing (whilst also despairing at the horrendous attitude of some of these men). His name is lewky or something similar. Well worth a look!

It amazes me how almost all of these men debase themselves...

No, because that would be Boom Boom. Two booms.

The worst date I ever had was with a man who claimed to be a non-smoker but reeked of cigarettes. He also turned up drunk - it was an 11am meet. He tried to stick his tobacco flavoured tongue in my mouth and I excused myself to go to the ladies. I left by the back door and immediately deleted and blocked his number. I still shudder with distaste at the memory.

A friend of mine met a man who claimed to be landscape gardener with his own business, and a waterfront apartment in Leeds city centre. He turned out to mow grass verges for the council and still lived with his parents. Worse than that, he slept in a single bed, and had a poster of Kylie Minogue on his wall. He was 47.

I had a date who was a bit bouffant and suited (not my type at all) but then it transpired that he couldn't walk past a mirror without admiring himself.
We were in a pub with loads of mirrors, all over each wall behind the bar and more in the restaurant part.
Even worse, every time he caught sight of himself, he'd do a sort of head flick, to shake all that (bleached) hair, open his mouth slightly and open his eyes wide, in a sort of coquettish pose that would only suit a teenage girl of under fifteen years.
I wonder if he would be doing a trout pout nowadays.
He also looked at me like this a few times, over the meal.
I didn't know if I was expected to swoon at his feet, or what. It was so hard not to laugh in his face.

I know someone who had a second date with a guy who asked outright if she would be willing to rim him ‘in principle’ because that was a real deal breaker for him and he didn’t want to waste his time.

But then the same guy also had the nerve to tell her that she wasn’t really the kind of girl he would want to introduce to his mum.

A match I'd been chatting to and getting along fairly well with, although a few red flags were waving- such as he instantly replied to my messages, I mean within seconds as if he was staring at his phone all day.

Anyway, he sent me a daft tiktok, but his account name was his real name. I googled it with his location and the first few results included a local news report of a court case- he was found guilty of harrassing his ex. The details of his harrassment did not make for pleasant reading. I'm so glad I googled him. Always do this.

Actually I'm ancient enough to have had a serious thing for Mr Spock, back in the day!

Not me but my friend went for a date with a bloke who paid for dinner with a 50% off voucher and told her it was his treat but she could only have a main course as that’s what the voucher covered.
When they walked to the car park, he asked is she wanted to get into the back seat of his car and unleash his beast - he was 56!!!

This was before Internet dating so I am that old. Met him at work and went to on first date. Was very boring. He then informed me that i was going to meet him at a cafe for coffee. I made my excuses and he said he expected me to be there. I said I wouldn't be there. He went ballistic when I didn't turn up. I had to deploy the 'shh an't shhhh ear you, it's a ba shhh ine' or ignore him for him to get the hint. He sent me an 'anniversary' text a year after our date. He came from Dubai - i had frequent nightmares about being kidnapped for a few years! I'm so glad that date was boring 😄.
Then of course there is the 'i was in the army' type bloke. Special ops. Can't tell you about it. The 'I'm full of shit' date. I feel sorry for those men genuinely in special ops - they must find it hard to keep a date.....

I met a guy, he was much older and fatter than his pics. He was also really boring
I cut it short and we walked out to the car park together. When I unlocked my car, he got in the passenger seat and asked me to flash under my dress, I said no, and he tried to persuade me. Then had the nerve to look affronted and confused when I asked him to get out because he was making me uncomfortable.

@dottiehens
Reported

Another mate went on a date with a man who arrived wearing a very obvious wig.
He went to the bar and on the way back tripped up a step and his wig slipped without him realising and he sat opposite her with a wonky wig!

PMSL 😂😂

I got into a virtual fight with one charmer on Tinder who described himself as an 'empath' and said he specifically wanted a woman "without any baggage". He was divorced and had three kids himself. I'm child-free and unmarried but the sense of entitlement and lack of self awareness was too much to bear. We ended up exchanging insults and blocked each other. Twat.

I actually met my DP on tinder so not all bad but I did once get a message stating “ I would fuck you until the council came and complained about the smell” absolute boke

Is this for an article, perchance?