How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

No stories but here to be nosy

And I'm hoping to get back out there! 😭

There were probably loads but I erased them from my memory. A more recent one, first day chatting on Tinder, catching up on what we've been up to over the weekend. I say that I ran out of food and scraping the bottoms of my cupboards to make something or other. The next thing he comes up with "oh great, so you can cook for me"... err, no mate.

I went for a coffee date with a guy from OLD a couple of years ago. We got on well and arranged an evening out for dinner a few weeks after.

Several days before he texted me "I know nothings going to happen but it would be great if you could wear some sexy lingerie"

Of course when I called him out he said it was "A joke" Just like they always do when they say something deeply inappropriate.

Ive told this story before but waaay before tinder.
Or the Internet in general.

This bloke came up to me to ask if he could get his end away because he hadn't had a fuck for years.

That would be a hell no.

I mean, I like to think I'm a compassionate woman but even I have my limits.

I turned up to a guy wearing a tight brown leather jacket and a baseball cap on backwards. He was 38.

I had one ask how much it would cost to put a baby in me...

When told where to go, he said he was genuinely asking as believed redheaded women produced superior babies.

I had no idea where to go with that lol. What an absolute creep.

We spoke during Covid and hit it off big time. He had his own business and seemed like a really great person.

When we could finally meet up he turned up with a black eye. He was a secret drug dealer on the side.

Never saw him again.

I met a guy for one date, he was ok I thought but then he started to try and introduce me to his fetish, cross dressing, no thanks 🤮

Ahhhh this reminds me of a V recent one! (Note, this is trouser cannon guy.)

When I said I wasn't looking for anything further, he asked if we could be FWB. I declined.

He then called me a melt.. for not wanting to shag him. So I called him out on it and got a very similar reply to what you got. 'It's a jooooke.'

Cor they have a lot of nerve done they, with a sprinkling of gaslighting.

Interested use of Vulva. Normally people use vagina where they really should have used vulva- but here I feel vagina would have been more appropriate.

Married for too long to have ever done any online stuff, sorry!

I'm sorry but your comment made me laugh 😂😂😂

Yep, let me tug my briefs to the side and stick it right in!

Romance is so alive isn't it..

He said 'boom' at the end of sentences - 'I'm going into town - boom !'
Also used 'I'm on fire' a lot. Pity he wasn't

Was his name Chad?

No I meant vulva.

I meant my clitoris, bare labia and vagina would dry up and simply erode away.

It was intentional.

Yes I think you’re right. How would your vulva clamp shut?

also have no OLD stories as I’ve been partnered since 2007 but I am amazed by all the sleazy men crawling around the internet & up to my teenage DD so I can imagine the horrors out there.

I bet that was lovely for you. Boom!

I had similar but a guy would call himself by his initials.. his initials were TSG and he would say 'TSG has done it again!'

'Good work by the TSG.'

Boak.

Muslim here but so many "marriage suitor" frog stories...

1. One guy tried to get money out of me and shouted at me when I said no.
2. Another sang to me on voice notes
3. Promising one lied about his visa status
4. Guy was really fat and gross. And kept asking it "lf I had fallen in love with him yet". He only shared a head shot with me before we met.
5. Guy tried to propose in a coffee shop with a coffee stirrer (the wooden one). Sweet at the time, but laughable now when I look back.

My friend had a date with a seemingly nice European guy, met for drinks a few times then was invited to his home for a meal and film. Sadly the guy put ‘centipede’ on as a starter movie and then moved onto some kind of snuff porn thing. Let’s say my mate managed to leave pretty quickly whilst the guy was in the loo.

One of mine turned up looking like Mavis Riley in a trouser suit. He was clearly flirting with the androgynous look but had tipped over into daytime drag queen.

Please keep these coming , I’ve got Covid and feel rotten , so could do with a few laughs to cheer me up 🤣

I think it would be a bit like a Venus flytrap,but without the fly inside!

Not really OLD, but the best I've heard is this fella went up to my mate and said, can you tell me the way to the town hall

No idea where it is, she said

Can I have a shag instead, he said

I mean come on

Pre-internet dating .. in fact pre-Internet .. none of your WhatsApp or any of that.

Met this guy in a club, he was gorgeous, manager at a fashion store in the local city. I put in the work over a few weeks.. always talking to him when I saw him.. weeks of this.

Anyhow, finally had a break through .. back to his for (hopefully) a great night. Get to his bedroom, when he asks me … did I mind if he put in his Star Trek outfit he had in his wardrobe. Yes, I very much minded…

He used his son's photo who was about 27 ... Turns out he was about 47 and he couldnt figure out why I wasn't interested. Hm I'm 23 pal.

Some of them are such actual pond life.

I datsed a guy briefly during my OLD period who was almost a foot shorter than me. (I know, I know). Initially I thought he was funny and charismatic enough that I could get past it but I couldn’t.

After two dates I politely blew him out but wished him well. He flew into a rage saying he knew it was about his height etc. I backed away but said I liked him and no hard feelings and he called me a bitch.

So that was the end of that you might think until six weeks later he messaged me on Instagram saying I know it’s never going to happen between us but can you send me a photo of you in high heels???

I then blocked him on Insta and he popped up on Facebook/WhatsApp, you name it. He was continuing to try to contact me on various social platforms for a further four years, well into my current relationship.

Madness… if I had behaved like he did he would have reported me to the police.

Women are always being accused of being hysterical and irrational but men are far worse in dating.