How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man

I married a man I met on tinder. 9 years and two kids on and very happy!

Can your vulva actually 'clamp up?'

Misses point of thread.........

Edit: I see I am not the only one to think your 'vulva clamping shut' makes no sense! 😬 Your vulva can't clamp shut. As pps have said, the word should have been vagina!

Priceless!

Thank you 🙏

Cinema date 1990’s. Arranged by phone after we had met in a bar.
He was late and when I got in the car there was a box of Maltesers on the seat. He had pre-bought them in the shop to ‘save’ buying them there.
When we got there we were late, the film had already started and he suggested going to a very fancy bar.
Then told me I could get that drinks in, as he was the transport… and had bought cinema snacks.
Three rounds in I asked to go home.
As I went to get out of the car I took the Maltesers and he was fuming - he wanted to take them back for a refund. £1.99!
I went in and had a cuppa with my mum and we scoffed the lot. Told everyone in work the next day.
Years later he randomly came into my work to do a presentation to a hundred of us, I’d told one friend and then it got round. And just as he got all his gear ready she shouted…
‘Welcome to the stage, Malteser Man!’

No, but Ethan Peck as Spock in Strange New Worlds... Oh. My. God. 💓💓😋

Not matchmaking....we have our own apps for Muslim singles so its very much like OLD but also gotta keep it halal 😄

Anyone who writes “off of”. Sorry but it’s true.

Totally off topic but my first car was a Volvo and my cockney mate shouted across to her boyfriend in our local "ere! Charlotte's got a Vulva!". Well yes...

Sorry, as you were.

Me too - I remember my now husband telling me vaguely about his ex etc. I knew her name and everything about them because her FB was all open. Despite them having broken up 5 years before. I knew his family, her family, his work life. Google is a wonderful thing.

Special OPs os the scammers playback. Thank goodness its such an obvious red flag!

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · Today 18:28
Not quite the same type of story but when I was 18 I dated a guy who told me his cousin ( R) was a member of a famous band . He looked quite similar , had the same last name and his family came from the same place in the UK , so I believed him . We went to a club in London and my BF was ordering drinks at the bar and "his cousin R " walked in . As he and his entourage walked past I got up and spoke to R and told him his cousin( my BF ) was here . At that point my BF returned and R looked blankly at him and said " that's not my cousin , never seen him before " .

Couldn’t make that up if you tried! Ha bet he was gutted!

Well, tbf, I have a second cousin who is a REALLY famous singer and married to a REALLY famous actress, but who wouldn't know me from Eve.

I've posted about this incident before but this threads suits....

Arranged a first date with a guy . I turned up to find that the guy had brought his toddler along to the "date". I should have just left immediately but I sat and had my coffee in stunned silence whilst he basically interviewed me for the job of stepmother.

Not online dating but a guy at uni was chatting with me in my room lying on my bed. He had this god-awful belt on with a massive buckle which I couldn’t help but notice. He saw me look so I said “your belt is interesting”. He replied “yeah i really like it. I wear it as it’s sexy and makes my package look even bigger” Wtaf 🤢. He was 100% serious and was so cocky. He would also try to act macho and puff out his little pigeon chest around other guys to make himself look bigger. Needless to say it didn’t develop into a relationship!

Or Anson Mount as Pike...

I've had a man call it this throbbing member.

Absolute fanny drier.

Omg I have watched some of those about 30 times ! I got obsessed at laughing at them over Xmas. Just so so funny.

Pity he wasn’t 🤣 LOL

He might need some antibiotics, that sounds unpleasant. Possibly septic.

I was much less assertive in my younger days. Got chatting to a guy on POF. All seemed fine while we were texting. Then he asked to call me. In the space of half an hour he:
said he didn’t mind me being at uni as long as there weren’t lots of guys on my course.
told me a “hilarious” story about sliding a homeless man a “bank note” that was actually a piece of paper saying something horrible.
made a joke about KKK - I thought I just didn’t get it until he confirmed his racism by saying he hates his bus because it’s always full of n words.
I was afraid to speak up on the phone but made my excuses and text shortly after saying I was no longer interested as I can’t stand cruelty or racism. He then tried to argue with me saying that I hadn’t told him I didnt like racism 😳 as if that’s something you need to say about yourself! Well thank fuck I didn’t or he might have masked his nastiness til I had the misfortune of meeting irl!

Any article, in any mag. It just seems a bit like gathering stories together for an easy article, tbh. "Women and 21st century OLD" or similar. "Some of the stories told..." for example. shrug

I was thinking the same!

A long time ago, pre-DH, I was set up on a blind date with a friend's BF's workmate. He was quite nice and we got on OK. I gave him my phone number. He sent me a padded post bag via my friend, but it was empty. When he phoned I asked what it was for, and he said it was to post my worn knickers to him, as he was going to "talk sexy" to me on the phone and he wanted to know the effect it would have on me.
He didn't get my knickers, or a second date.

A long, long time ago, pre-internet. My best friend at uni had a car; something verY, very few students had in those days. She also had the hots for a guy that we both knew - I could never see what she saw in him, but hey, each to their own.

Then one day he asked her out! Well, as she clarified to me after the event, he actually asked if she'd like to go with him to (beauty spot 20 miles away). In her car, of course, because you couldn't get there by public transport. Whatever. Of course she agreed and spent several hours getting ready to slay him on this long-dreamt-of date.

He turned up with a bunch of mates! He had sold it to her as a date, but really he just wanted to go to said beauty spot with his mates! And she, poor lamb, took them and brought them home (isn't it sad how we acquiesce to things when we're young and naive) - but never again! Strangely she seemed to go off him after that :)

Was seeing a guy for three months. Things were going fairly well so we had a night away - out in town and then to a hotel. I realised he liked the sound of his own voice and liked to talk about himself but he was kinda sweet and seemed respectful.

Next morning we’d planned to go for breakfast but he made excuses. I was a little deflated - took myself off for a coffee before getting a train home. He’d only stolen my bank card. He ghosted me and then two months later I got a message out of the blue asking if I ‘needed a good seeing to’. True colours huh? So I just said a very polite ‘no thanks’ and blocked him.

Didn’t want to bring up the theft in case he was a nutter. And I felt an absolute tool for spending the night with someone I’d only known a few months.