How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Met a DJ online who happened to work at a venue I worked in but we hadn't crossed paths. Because of this I thought it was safe to go back to his place for a drink after our date, as we knew the same people. We started kissing and I could tell he wanted more so I slowed it down saying I didnt think it a good idea on a first date. Well, he stood me up against a wall and quick as you can even imagine...came on my leg! I was wearing black trousers and have a distinct memory of looking down thinking what on earth. He gave me a tea towel to wipe my leg and apologised. I left his house, blocked him and never saw him at work thank goodness!

Dated a really nice man for a while, eventually made it into bed.
So, at first sexual encounter, he tried to have anal.
I pushed him away and he said "but my first 2 wives liked it".

Omg that's absolutely horrific.

'Did you date Basil Brush ??'

@Missmarplesknittingbuddy

😂😂😂😂😭 hahahahahhaa

And a male friend went on a date with a woman his own age (early 50’s) who he’d been chatting to online.

He arrived at the pub and there was no sign of her so he bought a drink and sat down. Then an old lady with a walking stick approached his table and said ‘hi, I’m Sue’ - turns out she’d been using her daughters photos!
He got up and said ‘sorry but I’m going home. And she burst into tears and started screaming after him ‘age is only a number’ as he made a hasty retreat

Original series, TNG or DS9?

(Let's be honest, nobody's going to bring out Enterprise or Voyager)

Have men got worse as years have gone on ?

God so many horror stories but the ones that spring to mind are a guy I met for a drink, spent the entire time boasting about how much money he made (whilst allowing me to buy all the drinks) then when I was ready to go (quite sharpish obviously) he asked if I wanted to wait outside with him as he "knew an alley behind the pub". I went to sit at the bar until my taxi arrived and asked the barman to walk me out.

Another one I met and things were going quite well until he showed me the you tube videos of him singing propaganda songs for EDL

I also had one guy move the time back and hour, show up with all his mates then disappear off for half an hour leaving me with his friends and returned to ask me if I wanted to go back to his. When I said no he said he didn't fancy me anyway and wanted to get back with his ex. Obvs I was gutted.

This thread is hilarious 😂. There are some absolute bell ends in this world aren't there!

I have a few

the guy who kept calling me on bumble, like every 10 minutes. I finally answered and he started telling me about his ex who we moved in with after 6 weeks and then she got a restraining order, police called etc. he kept saying was a really nice guy. . He only had 10 mins to talk as staying at a friends as they didn’t let him use his phone. Blocked

the guy who would only communicate via selfies with trout pout. I asked for more texts less pictures sec stopped replying as no conversation. A week later he sent abusive WhatsApp saying I was rude for not replying. My reply was I was not interested. Blocked him and then he started texting me on normal text as I was rude for not setting a date up after matching.

meeting with a guy the looked older than his pictures for him to accidentally tell me he was 10 years older than stated. Asked if anything was true on his profile. Nothing was even down to owing a cat. He thought he sounded cute and it would be a funny story to tell our grand kids. I drank my expensive wine and left.

@Missmarplesknittingbuddy great comment. I haven't laughed so much in ages!

I met dh pre dating apps and OLD wasn’t a thing at that point.
Every time I read threads like this I’m partly
so relieved I avoided this and partly jealous I don’t have any good stories to add 😂

After I split with my ex, I had a few dates through OLD.

The Funny One: he was French and I was keen to improve my French (no joke). The messaging promised some good chemistry but when we met up he was much older than his photo suggested. He had said via text that he didn't want to go for coffee and preferred lunch but on meeting changed his mind. I, however had not eaten and was starving. So, we went to a cafe he recommended. I ordered a salad. Conversation wasn't as fun as online and totally stalled when a snail was seen wandering across my salad. He told me not to make a fuss and seemed unhappy when I politely raised it with the staff who were lovely and no problem. We split the bill and I said I needed to be off and he said "I'll walk you back to the station!". Even after I said "no, that's fine" he followed me. You'd have thought that would've put me off but no....

The Chancer One: again all seemed to be fine online and in person this time he seemed better looking than his photo gave him credit for. Conversation was easy. We met about 5 mins from my home and he'd driven about 90 mins to meet me. He offered to drop me home. I accepted (I know, I know). He came in for coffee - I had made it clear it was only coffee and that I don't sleep on first dates. I went off to the loo and returned to find him wanking off on the sofa. He didn't seem surprised and asked me if I wanted to join in. The alarm bells went off and I politely declined and said he should probably go. He did. He apologised by text but funnily enough we didn't meet up again.

And after that, you'd think I'd stop with the OLD and just invest in a Rabbit. Well, I tried "one last time". And we've been together 8 years now. Frogs and Princes springs to mind but the ratio of Frogs to Princes seems very very high.

I’m not changing or altering a bloody thing about this story and nor do I care if it’s outing, I’ve wanted to tell this story for the longest time. I can remember it like it’s happened today despite being easily over 10 years ago now.

I’m young and single and relatively skint.
I’ve taken some holiday from work and my son is in after school club until 5 so I have a mooch on pof and this very cool looking firefighter starts chatting. He asks me what I’m up to, I explain I’ve a few hours to kill and he offers to buy me lunch.
I agree because - bored and skint. So he picks me up outside my local pub.
I get in the car and it’s a very dull day and he has sunglasses on, like he did in the picture. But he’s about 20 years older than the picture.
He also smells of cigarettes, stale boozey smell and massive BO. But he’d driven off almost immediately. I realised I’d just gotten into a car with a stranger who could be anyone. He takes the shades off to reveal two extremely small and inverted eyes which didn’t bother me, I felt I understood the glasses a bit more but he takes one look at my 23 year old self (he’s easy hitting 50) and says that he thought I’d be slimmer.
I change the subject and ask about work. He volunteers as a firefighter. Allegedly. I ask about his interests. He (not even the biggest red flag) likes Bernard manning and chubby brown. He asks did I like comedy. Yes indeed, but more George Carlin/Dave Chappell. Tells me he doesn’t know who they are so they can’t be that funny. (idiot) then he tells me, a woman who at this time works with musicians, who can play an instrument herself and has spent all my leisure time watching bands or going to festivals that he hates girls who like music or football. Fucking peach this fella was. We’re getting further away from my house and we’re driving past a McDonald’s that’s on a retail park and there wasn’t any busses home from there, but he pulls over and asks do I want to go the drive through. I say not really and out of nowhere he tells me he’s still sleeping at his exes for the kids sake so if I wanted to fuck him it would have to be in the woods. I tell him that’s not a concern, I won’t be fucking him. He asks do I want to be bent over the bonnet of his car and I didn’t feel unsafe, he wasn’t threatening, just an idiot. But I obviously wasn’t happy. I told him he needed to drive if he wanted lunch with me and gave him directions to a pub near where I both had my gran, friends local and my mums work place. He reluctantly agreed but carried on the sex talk. Over the car park of this pub my grans was in running distance and I said I had a headache and asked could I go into the the shop for paracetamol. This is when I felt a bit uneasy because he said he had his uniform to wear to fuck me senseless in and knew where there were woods locally we could go, he really didn’t want me to leave the car when I said I wanted to get some medicine. So I gave him a pound and asked him to get it. He agreed. But locked the door of his car. So I hop in the back seat, roll the window down and climb my self out, then run towards my grans for my bus fare home. He was in a good sized lunch queue and because I’d got out the back of the car he didn’t see me run off. He then messages me, still on pof luckily not my number, asking me was it because he was ugly I legged it and to apologise can he drive me home?! Cheeky prick, his looks weren’t the reason I fled from his stinking and filthy vehicle. I’m okay with anyone no matter how they look, but not knowing who George Carlin is was a cardinal sin.
I replied with his face being nowhere near as ugly as his personality and to never contact me again.
Anyway my lovely grandma made me tea and toast and gave me a lovely cuddle. So a lovely way to spend my day off.

If he’d been pleasant, not a liar, an genuine firefighter, actually single, not smelly, willing to go somewhere other than maccies, not sexually aggressive in conversation, not rude about my looks and passions and interests, had he not awful taste in comedy and not been a massive creepy misogynist who was taking 20 years off his age and didn’t leave me worried I was about to be discovered by a dog walker in the wooded area next to my grandmas, he’d have still not been a catch 🤣

Sadly I have many.

1. First date, getting on amazingly - 2 hours in and he tells me he used prostitutes extensively after his divorce without a flicker of shame. Eew.
2. First date, and he turned up looking completely different from pics - 20kg lighter and absolute bag of bones, no teeth, shaky and with terrible skin. The poor man was clearly an addict but had posted photos from prior. He couldnt sit still and was very unwell.
3. First date - he was 30 stone but pics were 10 years younger and 15 stone lighter. Out of politeness and awkwardness I stayed for ages but it was very awkward. He was also a prick.
4. Loads of handsy creeps who almost immediately start talking sexually and touching me inappropriately. Ive been asked off the bat if Im into threesomes, bdsm etc.

Im not sure what it is about me if I look filthy or what (you start to second guess yourself), but I feel Im just a normal 50 year old and just waaaay too old for this shit so I dont bother anymore.

Years ago now but I had one who got very drunk at happy hour while I had some work that ran late, met me for a beligerant date, we were walking towards transport after an hour at a bar. He tried to kiss me, then grabbed my left boob. Just that one. Awkwardly left. I ghosted for obvious reasons. Months later he messaged and asked where it all went wrong, so I told him. He responded "so there is a chance this could still work?". Urgh.

This is about a bumble match within a two months of separating from my XH. I had a free evening and had been chatting to a man for a few days who seemed lovely. I was feeling bold (I hadn’t had the confidence to go on a date yet) and suggested meeting for a drink at a local leisure spot out of town. I told him I would be driving as I wasn’t drinking at that time.

He asked for a lift because I was passing near his house. I said “No, I’ll meet you there.” He tried again and I said “I’m not comfortable giving you a lift, I don’t know you yet so I’d rather meet you in public first.”

He sent me a barrage of abuse. I blocked and deleted all the OLD apps. I’m seeing someone now and I very quickly engineered a situation where I had to say no to him, to see how he would react. Thankfully he acted like a perfectly decent human being! If this relationship breaks down I won’t be using OLD for sure!

Trust me to encounter a Basil Brush purist, or are you the posters former date ? 😁.

Huh? What do you mean am I posting for an article @Spooky2000 what article?

Oh godddd, I used to get this so much!
My OLD profile clearly stating that I didn't have/didn't want kids... And honestly, the number of absolute ars*holes who'd match with me, purely to have a go at me about it... Jeez, it left me gobsmacked! Like, why would you bother?
Guys who'd aggressively demand to know why, seemingly completely oblivious to the fact it could be for any number of deeply painful, personal reasons, or not being able to, or, you know, just a personal choice.
I remember one particular gem informing me that 'My purpose in life is to have children and I'll put a lot of men off by denying them the right'
Riles me up even thinking about it now!

However, being 41 now... The last few years, not so much! 😂
(although Plenty Of Muppets still abound. Stories for years.)

I've had a few strange encounters but this one sticks out for me. If the man reads this he will know it's me but oh well 😂

He lived 45 minutes drive away from me. Most of that 45 minutes is on the motorway. We got on well despite the distance and decided to meet. We even went on the phone. Didn't go on video.

We planned to meet on a day but he decided to arrange the time on the actual day as I was poorly with flu. I had tested negative for covid. He was adamant he wanted to meet that day instead of another so he said to let him know when the best time is on the day if I was well enough. This was when covid restrictions were being lifted so we decided to go for a McDonald's instead as the pubs were quite limited. (very classy I know)

I woke up around 0800am and messaged saying I was still poorly and that I was gonna get a few more hours sleep. He said that's fine and to get a few hours sleep and to message when I wake up. I woke around 11am I had a few missed calls. And a few WhatsApp messages from him. He had driven the 45 minutes to the nearest McDonald's to my town (he only knew the town not the actual address) and we have a few McDonald's round my area. And he was messaging going "do you have a red car I can see a woman like you in a red car" "I might drive and see if I can spot you" things like that. He even took pictures around the area and sent them to me saying "look where I am".

I messaged back and said that the day before he told me to message him to let him know whether I was well enough or not and to tell him the time on the day. Same with the morning messages. I also said why have you driven down to my way when I hadn't yet responded. He knew I was poorly as he heard me on the phone.

It was weird. I never met him. I told him the constant calls and messages were weird and that it was weird he had tried to spot me driving around.

Later that evening I found him on Facebook and blocked him in case he tried looking me up.

I bloody hope not - boom boom !!

If his name was Matt, it's a very, very lucky escape. I minded, left quickly. and then read about what happened when he took his PC in for repair about five years later...

Desperate.

First date with a bloke Id chatted to briefly in a bar. Turned up to the bus stop outside the McDonald's we'd arranged to meet at and he was fifteen minutes late. I was just about to leave when I saw him come around the corner and then approach and talk to two girls before he then saw me and came over - turned out he couldn't really remember what I looked like except I was blonde and had mistaken one of the girls for me (who was about a size 18 and I was size 10!) to be fair to him we were pretty drunk when we first met.

We then went to a bar where he proceeded to tell me he had just escaped death the month before running away from the collapsing twin towers in New York. "Yeah yeah what a bullshitter" I thought. At this point he was irritating me slightly as he didn't shut up and then to top it all off his glasses suddenly swung apart in the middle - it turned out he was late bc his glasses had broken before he left the house and he'd tried to mend them with glue. I must admit I found this hilarious and I started to quite like him.

We've now been together for 20-odd years!

(And the twin towers story turned out to be true!)